Willow had gone...left without saying goodbye. Giles stared at the note in his hand, wondering what could have possibly come up in the middle of the night. Granted, he knew that she'd needed to get home before her parents found her missing, but even so...she should have woken him, at least. If she had, then he could have... Could have what? Kissed her goodbye? Turned several shades of red and stammered like a schoolboy? Quite frankly, he didn't know what he could have done, or how he would have reacted if he'd had to face her this morning.
He tore the glasses from his face and pinched the bridge of his nose as the reality of what he'd done struck him full force. He'd had sex. With Willow, his friend and research assistant.
A seventeen-year-old virgin. What could he have possibly been thinking? *You 'weren't' bloody thinking, that's the problem...* She had shown up at his door looking like something out of one of his fantasies and his cock had stood at attention, every ounce of self-restraint flying out the window, right along with his common sense. *Bloody priceless.*
Willow's note said that she didn't regret what had happened, but he certainly felt torn himself. On the one hand, he'd behaved in a completely irresponsible manner- worse than Ethan on one of his tears. He'd caused her pain, taken something that- in all conscience- hadn't been meant for him. Her innocence should have been meant for the man she loved, the man that she could share her entire life with. Someone who wasn't old enough to be her bloody father. Someone like...Oz.
On the other hand... Thinking about Oz made him realize that he was hesitant to examine what the other hand held. "Bloody hell!" Giles threw the sheet off and stalked to the bathroom, intent on trying to wash away his guilt in the shower. He relieved himself and then stood in front of the mirror, staring at his reflection in surprise.
He'd expected to see the usual worn and tired countenance that normally peered out at him, expected to see his shame etched clearly in every line of his face. Instead, his eyes were clear and bright, his features softer...more youthful. He looked rested, as if the weight of the world had been lifted from his shoulders. He looked the way he had ten years ago, before he and Meredith had parted and gone their separate ways. And he had another redhead to thank for it.
Giles turned away from the mirror and started the water for his shower. As he stepped under the forceful spray, he finally let himself think what he'd been avoiding since he'd awakened.
Last night had felt good...more than good- it had felt bloody marvelous. He hadn't realized how starved he'd been until Willow had walked through his door smelling like rain and jasmine, heating his blood with just a single touch. The way she'd responded to his kiss, the way her body had melded to his...the way she'd breathlessly said his name... He never stood a chance.
The hot water sluiced down over his body, reminding him of Willow's wet heat. He'd only gotten the slightest taste of her before she'd pulled him away, but it had been enough to hint at the sweetness between her thighs. How he wished she would have let him finish, let him feel her climax against his tongue, let him show her how pleasurable a first time could be. There were so many things that he could have taught her... Perhaps he'd given up too easily, perhaps he should have been more persuasive.
No. It wouldn't have been right. She hadn't wanted a teacher, hadn't wanted passion and romance. She'd wanted to feel a hard body next to hers. The fact that she'd wanted that body to be his didn't mean that she'd needed anything else from him. She could have just as easily gone to Xander, given their history, but Giles reasoned that she'd wanted someone with experience, someone with less of an emotional investment. He cared for Willow a great deal- loved her even- in the way that close friends often do, but they were not, and in all likelihood would never be, lovers. They were battle-scarred soldiers in the fight against evil, and last night they had clung to each other in desperation, trying to heal their much-wounded inner spirits. Nothing more, nothing less.
Giles turned off the water and grabbed a towel, rubbing it briskly over his skin. His thoughts turned toward the note that Willow had left, and the "something important" that had suddenly come up. What could it have been? And how was she feeling this morning, after everything that had happened? He needed to know that she was all right, that he hadn't hurt her with his lack of restraint. He hoped that his failure to reign in his carnal impulses- Ripper's impulses- hadn't damaged their relationship beyond repair.
Cursing Ripper's tendency toward "self-gratification and screw the consequences", Giles headed back to his room to dress and prepare for another day at the library, where he would return to his usual routine of being a responsible, stodgy Watcher. He would cross-reference and research the latest paranormal activity, and last night would be relegated to the back of his mind, a place that he was certain he'd be visiting time and again, for the rest of his natural life.
Willow watched from the bushes as Mrs. Summers backed down the driveway and drove off. It was still early, barely six a.m., but she remembered Buffy saying that her mom had been putting in extra hours at the gallery, to make up for the days she'd spent at home, caring for her daughter. Thanking her lucky stars, Willow bounded up the steps and rang the bell, wondering how she was going to break this news to the Slayer. She looked down at the papers in her hand, a frown marring her brow.
After quickly making sure that her translations were correct, she'd scribbled a note to Giles and ran back upstairs to retrieve her clothes. She'd hastily dressed and left the note on the pillow, taking a moment to observe him before she left. He'd looked so young, his features softer and more relaxed than they were during his waking hours, and she'd had to fight the urge to kiss him as she'd left, the translated pages gripped tightly in her hands.
Her first stop had been home, where she'd slipped into her room and made up the bed. She'd showered, changed, and bolted down a bagel and cream cheese, then scribbled another note, this one to her parents saying that she was meeting Buffy for breakfast. And now here she stood, waiting for Buffy to answer the door so that she could turn the Slayer's world upside down.
Willow shifted her weight from one foot to the other, feeling her underwear chafe against swollen, tender flesh. The slight pain between her legs reminded her of Giles and what had happened between them just a few short hours ago. She wasn't sorry that she'd gone to him and she fervently hoped that he believed what she'd written in the note...and that he didn't regret being with her.
They had both needed it, had needed to feel the comfort that only the warmth of another human being could give. She'd been frozen before, unable to feel much beyond the pain of grief- a pain that was so great it made breathing difficult. Being with Giles had jarred something loose, like the piece of apple lodged in Snow White's throat. She could breathe again, think clearly again, and not feel as though everything was going to crash down around her. No, she wasn't sorry. Not one bit.
Despite the pain of entry, the experience hadn't been awful. Giles had done his best to make it easy on her, or at least as easy as she would allow. And he'd kissed her with such passion, made her feel as though it was 'her' that he wanted, not just a substitute for Jenny. He'd treated her like a desirable woman, not some charity case. He'd been wonderful, really- far more understanding than she could have hoped for, all things considered.
She shuddered to think how awful the whole thing 'could' have been. He could have rejected her completely out of hand, or could have been angry that she'd even suggest such a thing. He could have felt that she was using him, could have felt hurt that she would risk their friendship in that way. That was the only thing that had given her pause- their friendship. She prayed that what she had done wouldn't ruin what they had, or make things unbearably difficult when they saw each other again. Last night she hadn't even considered what could happen to their working relationship or their friendship; she'd just closed her eyes and jumped without a parachute. At the time it had been freeing, now...
Now she hoped that it hadn't been the wrong thing to do. The sound of the door opening startled her out of her reverie. "Willow? What are you doing here so early? Is everything okay?"
Willow looked at the Slayer's tired face and sighed. "I need to talk to you, Buffy. It's kind of important."
Buffy gave her a puzzled frown and stepped back from the door. "Come upstairs and I'll get dressed. Mom already left for the gallery."
"I know, I saw her." Willow followed Buffy upstairs, unsure of how she was going to divulge what she'd discovered. She felt grateful when Buffy decided to take a shower before starting their talk, figuring it would give her a few more moments to gather her thoughts.
She settled herself on the bed and quickly scanned the journal entries, hoping against hope that she'd made a mistake. No, she hadn't- it was all still there, in black and white. Willow sighed and closed her eyes, letting the distant sound of the shower's running water lull her into a light doze. Too many nights of too little sleep had finally caught up with her, and she wanted nothing more than to be home in her own bed, instead of sitting here waiting to drop the bomb on her best friend.
Willow drifted off, only to come awake abruptly just a few short moments later. Disoriented, she tried to pinpoint what exactly had roused her, then winced as the familiar sound of Buffy's retching reached her ears. She felt her stomach clench in sympathy, sighing in relief when the noises stopped. After awhile, the Slayer appeared in the doorway- pale and weak- but trying to shrug it off.
"I guess whatever this is isn't going away anytime soon, huh? Maybe I should have Giles look into it, I've never been this sick before in my life." Buffy entered the room and collapsed on the bed next to Willow.
"I thought you were feeling better."
"So did I, but every so often I still throw up." Buffy sighed. "I wonder if this is what morning sickness feels like," she mused. "Not that that's even a possibility, thank God."
Willow closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Buffy?" she squeaked.
"Mmmhmm?"
"M-maybe it is." She sat perfectly still, waiting for her words to penetrate.
"Is what?" Buffy said absently.
"A possibility."
The Slayer rolled over and looked at her. "What are you talking about, Willow?"
Willow stared down at the papers in her hand before passing them to Buffy. She met the other girl's eyes. "Maybe...maybe you are...you know...pregnant."
Buffy laughed in disbelief. "Very funny, Will. You know that vampires can't have kids, and I've only been with Spike in the last couple months..." Her voice trailed off as his words came back to her- "I know y'er not on the bloody rag..." She lay the papers down on the bed and her hand unconsciously went to her stomach as she sat there in shock. When had her last period been? *Think, Buffy! It couldn't have been that long ago...* After she'd killed Angel, the day that Spike had called her for the first time... Nearly two months ago...
She shook her head. "No, it's some kind of Slayer flu. Giles will figure it out and I'll be cured, no problem." Her expression was stubborn. "I can't be pregnant, that's all there is to it."
"Anne was," Willow pointed to the pages lying between them. "I translated some more entries, it's all right there. Guillaume got her pregnant... She believed that it proved he had a soul." She tried to hand the papers to Buffy. "Just read it."
Buffy knocked the papers away and leaped from the bed. "I don't want to read it!" she screamed. "You made a mistake, that's all!" She looked at Willow, panic stricken. "I can't be pregnant, Willow. I just can't," she whispered, her eyes welling up with tears.
Willow walked over and pulled the Slayer into her arms. "It'll be okay, Buffy. I'll help however I can... We'll get through this, you'll see." She crooned more words of comfort, and when Buffy calmed, Willow tugged her over to the bed and made her sit down. "First, you need to read Anne's journal. See if there are any parallels between Anne and Guillaume and you and Spike. Then we'll get you a test and figure it out from there." She placed the papers in front of Buffy. "I'll go and make you something to eat while you read."
Willow left the room before the other girl could protest, wondering how they were going to deal with the situation. Giles would have to be told, there was no other way. Imagining his reaction was enough to make her want to crawl into a hole and hide. And what about Spike? She felt completely overwhelmed by everything that had happened- overwhelmed and exhausted. She could only imagine how Buffy felt. With a heavy sigh, Willow headed for the kitchen, trying not to think about the days ahead.
After Willow left, Buffy stared at the blurry pages for several minutes before wiping her eyes. *I can do this...it's a mistake, that's all. I'll know as soon as I read it.* Trying to ignore the pounding of her heart, she took a deep breath, braced herself, and began to read.
>From the Journal of Anne LeMaire
31 May 1435
I have never been so happy, or so torn. I love Guillaume
with every part of my being, cannot bear to be apart from him, and yet,
it is a bittersweet love. We cannot walk in the daylight, or speak of our
love in the presence of others. We cannot sleep the entire night in one
another's arms, nor can we greet the morning sun together. We are wedded
in our hearts, but not in the eyes of God and it is entirely possible that
we are both damned, and will burn in hell for all eternity...just for loving
each other. I often wonder how long it will be before we are discovered.
Just the thought fills me with a terror that is far greater than any I have
ever known.
Buffy swallowed, remembering all too well the intense pleasure of being with Spike, tempered by the worry that someone would find out. How it tore at her to leave him each dawn, knowing that their time together would always be too brief. How the thought of being without him had utterly terrified her, and how even now she didn't think she'd ever get over him. With the exception of being written over five hundred years ago, Anne's words could have been her own.
13 June 1435
I find myself hurrying in my slaying duties so that I might spend more time with Guillaume. He is all that I think about, all that I dream about. It is becoming harder to focus my attention on staking vampires and destroying demons when all I long for is to be with him. Lucien is beginning to take notice of my distraction, questioning the number of kills and my long absences. My excuses ring false, but there is no help for it. There is only Guillaume...and my desire for him. Nothing else matters.
29 June 1435
I am so tired... It is becoming more and more difficult
to hide my involvement with Guillaume. Marie-Therese has been casting odd
glances my way- knowing little smiles. She assumes that I have fallen in
love with one of the local boys...as if that could ever be true. She has
not voiced her suspicions, but has taken to musing aloud on the joys of
holy wedlock whenever in my presence.
Lucien is swift in his correction of her. He brooks no argument regarding my status as a maiden. In his eyes I am pure, and must remain so. It is the lot of the Slayer to give her life to her calling, much like the nuns cloistered in the convents. It is at times like this that I feel the weight of my betrayal- the weight of my lies- to the only family that I have ever known.
What fate awaits me if I am found out?
17 July 1435
Already the heat of summer is unbearable. It saps my strength...makes me weak...something I can ill afford. I have little appetite and my stomach churns at the smallest provocation. I do not ever recall feeling this way in summers past, perhaps there is something wrong? A stomach ailment of some sort? Has the heat caused the food in the larder to turn? I will ask Oncle if he has a powder that will ease the nausea. I cannot perform my slaying duties if I am unwell.
26 July 1435
Something is terribly wrong. I awoke this morn violently
ill- retching uncontrollably until my stomach had emptied itself. Marie-Therese
looked frightened, praying as she sat with me and bathed the sweat from
my brow. Oncle said that without a fever, there is little threat of contagion,
and that perhaps it was the evening meal that turned my stomach so. He prepared
a warm tincture of peppermint and after consuming it, I did indeed feel
much improved. But I have not been well for some time, surely there is a
cause? I can only pray that the episode is
over and that my good health will return.
Buffy's hand covered her stomach as Anne's words brought back the vivid memory of the first time she'd thrown up, the morning after she'd gone to Spike at the mansion. She had thought it just a reaction to losing Oz and then Spike, just her body protesting the weeks of stress that she'd gone through. It had never occurred to her that she could be pregnant. Why would it, after Angel had insisted that it wasn't possible? And why would he have told her that if it wasn't true?
1 August 1435
The illness has not passed. I do not want to alarm Marie-Therese or Lucien, and have not told them that I am still suffering from this affliction. I have managed to conceal the fact that I am retching nearly every morn, but how much longer until they take notice of my pale countenance?
Guillaume is fraught with worry. He refuses to drink from me, saying that it would only weaken me further. He says that I have grown thin and haggard, and he blames himself. When we are together, he holds me whilst I sleep, and when he makes love to me, it is with such gentle care, as if he is afraid that he will hurt me. He said that I must tell Lucien soon, for I cannot go on this way. Perhaps I have been bewitched, or cursed in some way? Guillaume is right, I cannot continue for much longer.
5 August 1435
Mother of God. I- I believe now that I know what is wrong. But it cannot be...it is not possible according to vampire lore. I have read the Council's manifesto and it clearly states that such a thing is unheard of, but...what other explanation can there be?
Today I went with Marie-Therese to visit with Claudine DeLacey, who is heavy with her first child. We brought fresh food for the larder and swaddling for the babe, tending to chores that were too difficult for Claudine to manage with her swollen belly. I rested my hand there and felt the babe move, asking if it hurt. Claudine laughed and said that it was a great improvement on the early months, when she had been so ill. When I asked what she meant by ill, she told me that she had been very tired, and that she could hardly keep down her morning meal. These early signs are quite common, she said, and are often what tell a woman that she is quickening.
I felt myself go entirely cold at her words. Her tale was a near replica of mine- the fatigue, the nausea, the retching- all of it the same. And she treated it in so casual a manner, as if it was of no import. Could it be true? Could I be carrying Guillaume's child? In the manifesto it said that unsouled creatures, creatures who are of the demon, are incapable of creating life. Is this then the proof of Guillaume's soul? Is the Council wrong? Or have they been lying to us all along?
The Council lying. Now there was a stretch. Buffy gave a sharp laugh as she thought of the cloak and dagger machinations the Council was always engaged in. Giles had to nearly beg for information at times, and even then they were always less than forthcoming. She had heard him grumble over and over about the "Machiavellian Empire," as he often called the inner circle of Watchers. Mysterious and notoriously pretentious, they seemed to take particular delight in letting Buffy and Giles charge into battle unprepared. *Wankers.*
She felt the familiar pang of longing run through her at the unconscious use of Spike's slang. She wanted him- needed him- with her, holding her, telling her that everything would be all right. If it was true...if she was pregnant...she would need his strength in the days ahead. She didn't want to face this alone.
6 August 1435
Last night, I told Guillaume what I suspected to be true- that he retains his soul and that I am carrying his child. He reacted with disbelief at first, for he had never heard tell of a vampire being capable of breeding. I told him that I believe it is my blood that nourishes his soul, and gives it the strength to overcome the demon. Perhaps it is this strength that has allowed his seed to grow within me. Guillaume allowed that he has felt an uncommon peace of late, that the demon does not rage within him as it once did. If this is so, if Guillaume truly does have his soul...perhaps I can make Lucien see that we are meant to be together. Now that there is proof...
As Guillaume removed my clothing, he noted the changes in my body. My loss of appetite has kept me quite thin, although my breasts are larger-swollen and tender- and the tips are no longer light pink, but a darker, dusky rose. Guillaume stared at me for the longest time, until I could feel myself growing warm under his gaze. He said that I was beautiful and that he could not wait to see my belly swell with his child. He made the most exquisite love to me then, caressing and kissing...tasting every part of my body, until I begged him to enter me. We moved together as one, our souls touching, and as I felt Guillaume spill his seed within my womb, I heard him whisper that he loved me. And that he would kill anyone who tried to part us.
10 August 1435
Marie-Therese has been watching me closely and I fear that she suspects that I am with child. If she tells Lucien he will demand to know the name of my paramour. He will be furious to discover that I have disobeyed him and if I tell him that my lover is not human... I shudder to imagine the extent of his distress. Will Guillaume's soul be enough to placate Lucien? He does not appear to want me betrothed to anyone at all, I do not see how he will accept this.
Guillaume wants to take me away from here. He wants our babe safe from the Council and from the witch hunters, but there is something that concerns me...something that I have not spoken of. What sort of child will this be? Half-human, half-vampire? How I wish that I could confide in Lucien so that he might help me. I am so afraid...for myself, for Guillaume...for our unborn child. What will become of us?
The journal entries ended there. Buffy surmised that Willow had stopped translating as soon as she'd realized what the entries had revealed. Laying the papers down on the bed, she got up and crossed the room to the mirror. She stood there, staring at her reflection, trying to find some sign that her body had changed. If anything, she was thinner than before, her stomach almost concave. Her breasts were sore, but she'd just correlated it with the fact that her body felt like one big bruise to begin with. Everything felt sore...trampled on...and it showed.
Buffy had avoided looking in the mirror for two weeks. Now that she was faced with her appearance, she nearly sobbed at the sight of the stranger who stared back at her. Her hair was limp, the shimmering strands of gold faded to a dishwater blonde. Her eyes were huge, surrounded by deep purple shadows, set in a pale and too thin face. Weren't pregnant women supposed to glow? She wasn't even giving off a faint glimmer. Instead, she looked beaten, defeated by life.
"Buffy?" She turned to find Willow standing there with a tray in her hands. The redhead walked over to the bed and set it down. "I made scrambled eggs and toast. I thought that juice would be too acidic, so I brought ginger ale instead."
Buffy waited for the familiar heaving of her stomach but it never came. The food smelled delicious for a change and she offered Willow a weak smile. "Thanks, Willow. It does look good." She sat down and picked up the fork, tentatively taking a small bite of the eggs.
Willow looked at the papers on the bed. "You read them?" At Buffy's nod, she continued, "And did you see any similarities? Do you think that...do you think it's possible?"
Buffy stared down at the food, her hair covering her face. "I think so," she whispered. She looked up, letting out a sound that was half-laughter, half-sob. "What did I expect? Did I really think that I could ever have anything resembling a normal life? I should have known better...I should have known the Hellmouth would find some way to fuck everything up."
"Listen, nothing is definite yet. We need to confirm whether or not you're pregnant, then we'll worry about the rest of it. One step at a time." Having someone other than herself to focus on gave Willow a welcome sense of relief. She could be the strong one for a change, instead of grasping onto everyone else like a drowning victim. And it enabled her to shove her anxiety over the night before into the background, and only deal with Buffy's problem at hand. "Buffy... if you are pregnant...we're going to have to tell Giles. He needs to know."
"I-I know I have to tell him, but... Oh God, Will...how? How am I going to tell Giles that I've been lying to him this whole time? What will he do when he finds out that I've been sleeping with Spike?" Buffy could feel the tears starting again and it made her angry. She was sick of crying, sick of feeling helpless... sick of feeling sick. She was pathetic- taking to her bed like an invalid, giving up- she deserved Spike's contempt for the way she'd gone to him, begging his forgiveness. Willow was taking control of her life, why couldn't she?
She angrily brushed the tears away and picked up the fork again, determined to get the food down and keep it there. She needed her strength, needed to find herself again...beginning now. Scooping a forkful of eggs, she shoved it in her mouth and chewed, ordering her stomach not to revolt. She looked up to find Willow staring at her and swallowed, praying that it wouldn't end up flying right back out again. When nothing happened, she grinned, and the redhead grinned back. "One step at a time, right?" Buffy said.
"Right," replied Willow, relieved to see that Buffy was getting some of her inner strength back. She was going to need it, if what they suspected was true.
Buffy continued eating in silence for a few moments, until her stomach couldn't handle any more food. She set down the fork and looked up at Willow. "Thanks, Will. I hadn't realized how hungry I was." She rested her hand on her stomach, wondering if there really was a life growing inside of her. "I have to see Spike again. Whether or not I'm pregnant, he still should know that he has his soul. And even though he's given up on me, maybe...maybe I'm not quite ready to give up on him. I need to find out if there's a chance that he still cares."
Willow's face lit up. "Oh, Buffy...I'm so glad. And Spike does still care, I know he does."
"Thanks for saying it, but somehow I doubt that it's true. You haven't seen him, he's...different now. The last time I saw him...he was so full of anger...and he looked...he looked as if he hated me." Her voice had dropped to a whisper, as if the words were too painful to say out loud.
"I have seen him," Willow said calmly.
Buffy stared at her in shock, then her eyes narrowed. "What do you mean, you've seen him?" she asked in a low voice.
"I- I mean that I've...seen....him," the redhead stammered. "The day of Oz's funeral, w-when I was out walking...I found myself a-at the mansion." Willow cringed at the dark look on the Slayer's face. "I went in...and...talked to him."
"And you didn't think to tell me this before now? Do you have any idea how dangerous that was?" Buffy got up and began to pace around the room. "God, Willow! You could have been killed! Did you even think?"
Willow was reminded of Giles' rant the night before and suddenly became angry. "I'm not a child, Buffy. I can take care of myself," she said through gritted teeth. "Besides, do you really think that Spike would hurt me? You said you loved him...don't you trust him?"
Buffy whirled around and looked at her helplessly. That was it, wasn't it? The reason why he hated her now? Because she hadn't been able to trust him, because she hadn't had faith in him. Was it still an issue? She loved him...but that didn't mean anything without trust.
"I- I do love him. And I was foolish not to trust him before, I know that now. I should have known that he would never hurt my friends...I should have been able to feel it in my heart- I do feel it- but I've hurt him so badly. I don't know if he'll ever forgive me. When I said that you could have been killed, I meant by his fledglings. He only killed Angel's, you know, and they weren't the only vampires living at the mansion."
"Well, the mansion seemed empty, except for him." Willow got up and walked over to Buffy. "I told him that you were sick and he looked...scared...for a minute. He tried to hide it, but I saw. He still cares, Buffy. I'm sure of it."
"Well, I'll find out for sure tomorrow, won't I? One way or another, I'm going to see him...and make him listen to me." She said it with a quiet determination, certain now that she wasn't going to let anything else stand between them. She had to try one last time, had to tell him that she loved him. If he turned her away again, then so be it. She told him once that she'd never leave and she'd meant it. She wasn't giving up without a fight.
Willow reached over and took her hand, squeezing it in a comforting gesture. "I guess we should see about getting you a pregnancy test then, huh? Tackle one problem at a time?"
Buffy squeezed back and smiled wistfully. "Yeah, one problem at a time." She turned to the mirror and ran a brush through her hair before grabbing her purse. A thought occured to her and looked at Willow questioningly. "Will? How did you happen to translate the entries? I hadn't realized that you were helping Giles again."
Willow lowered her head and began to gather up her things. "Um, yeah, well...I told Giles that I needed something to do...because I wasn't sleeping nights. He said I could work on Anne's journal." She could feel herself flushing profusely and prayed that the Slayer wouldn't notice. She let out a tiny sigh of relief when Buffy just said, "Oh," and let it drop. She wasn't quite ready to deal with what had happened with Giles, and it would suit her just fine if Buffy never found out about it. Last night had been between her and Giles, no one else.
Buffy' eyes were drawn to the pages in Willow's hand and for a moment she was back in her dreams, feeling everything that Anne had felt, experiencing the love and fear that had dominated the young Slayer's life. She slowly looked up and caught the empathy reflected in Willow's green eyes. "What do you think happened to them, Willow? Is there any chance they made it...you know, lived happily ever after?"
"Buffy-" Willow didn't know what to say.
Buffy sighed. "I know...stupid, huh? Let me have my fantasy before you translate the rest of it, okay? That her life was perfect, that she was able to have it all- the baby, Guillaume- true happiness. Just let me keep deluding myself for a little while longer..."
The two girls linked their arms together and headed for the door, each one wrapped up in her own thoughts about how much their lives had changed in such a short time. Thinking about Anne and what was most likely a tragic end for both her and Guillaume. Thinking about their own recent tragedies... and wondering if the future held any more surprises in store for them.
Buffy was pregnant. It was definite, confirmed by science and a doctor with a no-nonsense manner. Willow had walked home with her in stunned silence and then left to get some much needed sleep. Alone in her room and faced with the reality of her condition, Buffy sat on her bed and stared at the bottle of prenatal vitamins, surrounded by literature from the local Planned Parenthood. The pamphlets were many and varied- nutrition, prenatal testing, fetal development, childbirth classes, adoption...and termination. The last one seemed to glare up at her like a neon sign, touting her right to a "simple, legal procedure," making it sound more like getting your taxes done than getting an abortion.
Concerned about Buffy's health, Willow had insisted on taking her to the clinic instead of just getting a test from the drugstore. The nurse and doctor had been friendly and compassionate throughout the exam, offering tips on dealing with morning sickness. Buffy was dangerously close to dehydration, so the doctor had given her an electrolyte solution and instructed her to drink plenty of water at home. After the exam, a counselor had talked frankly with Buffy about her options. Her options. The abortion pamphlet drew her eye like a beacon and Buffy pulled her knees up to her chest, folding her arms around them.
Terminating the pregnancy would be an easy solution to her impossible situation. No more worries about Spike, Giles, or the baby. The journal entries would be nothing more than a fascinating discovery for the Watcher and she could go on with her life, slaying and returning to school in the fall like nothing had happened. She could let Spike go, chalk it all up to poor judgement on her part. Simple...right?
The familiar hitching in her chest started up again, tears spilling over to run down her face onto her arms. Nothing was simple, especially where her life was concerned. She didn't want to get rid of the baby, didn't want to forget about Spike... She couldn't. She couldn't let go because her heart wouldn't let her.
Her hand slipped down to rub her lower abdomen as she tried to imagine it swelling outward. His child was already growing inside her- tiny, vulnerable- a part of both of them. Buffy recalled Anne's last entry and her concerns about the baby. Concerns about what kind of child she carried. As she looked down at her stomach, Buffy realized that those concerns were hers also. What sort of baby was this? Human? Vampire? Some hybrid, something entirely new...unheard of? Would this pregnancy even progress in the usual fashion?
So many unanswered questions.
Her first thought that morning had been to run to Spike, but now... What would she tell him? 'How' would she tell him? He'd been so violent before...so angry. He hadn't physically hurt her, but she could tell that he'd barely been able to control himself. What if he still felt that way? She was still so weak, what if she couldn't defend herself against him?
Right now, she wanted more than anything to be held and told that everything would be all right. She wanted strong arms around her, a reassuring voice in her ear. She wanted...Giles. The thought made her sit up straight in surprise. She'd been keeping things from him for so long that she'd practically avoided him these last few weeks. There had only been brief meetings at the library and phone calls during her illness. She hadn't wanted to get too close to him in her vulnerable state. She'd been too afraid that she would break down and tell him everything and that he would hate her for it. How ironic that now she had no choice 'but' to tell him. And the funny thing was...she wanted to tell him. Needed to make things right between them, especially now.
The plain truth she'd been avoiding was that she needed Giles- needed his solid strength, his guidance. He was her rock, her constant in an ever-changing world- teacher, friend, father-figure... Her safe haven. How could she have forgotten that? No matter how angry or upset her news might make him, he would never abandon her. Of that she was certain. And Willow was right, he needed to know what was in the journals. It called into question everything that the Council had told them.
Her decision giving her a renewed sense of purpose, Buffy reached for the phone to call Willow. She would need the redhead's calm presence when she told Giles everything, and since Willow had made the discovery in the first place, it only made sense that she be there. Together they would show him the journal entries and then Buffy could tell him about Spike. *Oh God, Spike.*
Was it wrong to tell Giles before telling Spike? Spike was the father of her baby and had the right to know. He was also not speaking to her at the moment and quite possibly contemplating her violent death. Giles was her Watcher and needed to be apprised of anything regarding the Hellmouth and paranormal activity. Her pregnancy certainly fell into the paranormal category. Besides, telling Giles would mean possible answers to her questions and that could only be a good thing, right? Unless the answers were ones she didn't want to hear.
Buffy moaned. What was she going to do? She needed both men desperately, but who should she turn to first? If only things weren't so horribly messed up with Spike. She would run to him in a second, if she could be certain that he wouldn't lose control, if she could be sure that she could handle him in her current state. But she couldn't. And she was too weak, both physically and mentally. She needed to find her self-respect again before she faced him.
Giles, then? She could almost feel his tweed-covered arms around her, comforting her as he had when she'd killed Angel. Buffy laughed. Who was she kidding? He was going to blow a gasket, big time. And she deserved it for lying to him all this time. She should have been upfront with him from the start. Maybe if she had... It was too late to wonder about what might have been. She needed to focus on the here and now, focus on coming clean with Giles...and healing. It was time.
Buffy picked up the phone and called Willow, asking the redhead if she would accompany her to the library. She sighed with relief when the other girl said yes, and that she'd call Giles to tell him that they were coming. They agreed to meet at Willow's house in an hour and Buffy hung up the phone feeling stronger than she had in days. She was going to try to pick up the shattered pieces of her life, starting with the secrets she'd kept from her Watcher. Then she would do whatever she could to salvage her relationship with Spike. One step at a time...
Giles sat in the library, waiting impatiently for the girls to arrive. He was intensely curious about what Willow had found in the journals, but relieved to know the reason why she'd left so suddenly that morning. It still baffled him that she hadn't just woken him and shown him the entries right then, but he figured that she'd had her reasons, and he would see for himself soon enough.
What was she thinking...feeling...after last night? It was going to be odd trying to face Willow with Buffy right there. He fervently wished that they could have met privately first, to get past that "morning after" awkwardness. He had no idea how much tension there would be when they saw each other again, and Buffy could be quite observant when she wanted to be. He would just have to hope that the Slayer was preoccupied, or that things would go more smoothly than expected.
Giles hadn't been able to stop thinking about the night before. Thinking about the rosy glow of Willow's skin, the liquid green eyes that had been filled with such trust... Thinking about how tight and hot she'd felt around him. She had done the impossible; helped to banish Jenny's ghost from his bed. Replaced the pain of loss with the pleasure of fulfillment... Given him back some of the desire to take hold of his life, instead of letting it slip away, bit by bit.
One innocent young girl had done all that.
She wasn't innocent any longer, thanks to him. He could never give back what he'd taken- although it was probably safe to say that Oz's death had done more to rob her of her innocence than he had. And she 'had' given herself willingly...begged him, practically- not that it made what he had done excusable. Not by a long shot.
Giles was in the process of massaging his temples when a sound at the door made him look up. A smile lit his face and he stood, slipping his glasses on as Buffy and Willow walked toward him. "Buffy, it's good to see," his smile faltered, "...you." He felt as if blinders had been taken off and her appearance suddenly shocked him. Had she looked this way before? This thin, this drawn? He felt a brief flicker of surprise as she unhesitatingly walked into his arms- surprise that quickly turned to joy as he enfolded her in a warm embrace.
"Hey, Giles," Buffy said softly, as his arms wrapped around her. Over her head, he shot Willow a look of alarm, questioning her with his eyes. Willow answered with a sympathetic half-smile and slight shake of her head.
Buffy hugged Giles tightly, wanting to cherish these few precious minutes before she told him the truth and everything blew apart. She burrowed into his chest, breathing in the familiar, comforting scent of tweed and aftershave that was purely Giles. In that moment she knew that no matter how Giles reacted to her news, she had been right to come to him. She hadn't realized just how much she'd needed to feel this connection between them again.
Still looking at Willow, Giles asked the question that had been plaguing him all morning. "A- And you, Willow? How are you?" His eyes searched hers for any sign of distress and finding none, some of the tension drained from his body.
"I'm fine, Giles." She met his gaze unflinchingly. "Really."
He nodded once and then turned his attention back to the Slayer in his arms. "This place hasn't been the same without you," he murmured. "Too dreadfully quiet."
"I'll bet." Buffy pulled away and mustered a teasing grin. "Isn't Xander keeping things interesting enough for you?"
"Xander is," he answered softly, "most assuredly, not you."
Buffy blushed and looked away, feeling a stab of guilt for the secrets that she'd kept from him. She never should have waited this long, never should have doubted that their bond would get them through any rough patches in their relationship. It had been horribly wrong of her not to have trusted him from the start.
She took a deep breath. "Giles, I-" Her voice caught and for a moment she didn't think she'd be able to start. Didn't really know 'where' to start.
"What is it? What did you find in the journals, Willow?" The look on Buffy's face frightened him- he'd never seen her so pale.
Willow stepped forward, handing the translated pages to the Watcher. "These are the entries that I translated last night. They shed some light on the proof we've been searching for...you know, proof that the soul doesn't leave when a person becomes a vampire." At his startled glance, she continued. "Read them first, I don't want to say anymore until you do."
Giles took the pages and sat back down at the table. Several minutes later, he looked up with a perplexed frown. "This is all very interesting, to be sure, but history and vampire lore have shown us that it's not possible for vampires to procreate. If it were, there would some sort of- of evidence to corroborate Anne's story." He shook his head. "It's quite possible that this is nothing more than the vivid imagination of an unstable girl."
"It's not." Buffy's quiet statement echoed in the large room.
"Buffy...the hypothesis that the soul contains s-some sort of 'spark'- the-the essence of life, if you will- is worthy of considerable research and debate, but even so...there still is no discernible proof. Without having translated the rest of the journals, we cannot even be sure that Anne was truly pregnant."
"She was...I know she was." Wringing her hands, Buffy began to pace as she tried to gather her courage for what she had to say.
"Buffy, we're talking about five hundred years in the past. There's no way for you- for any of us- to know that..." Giles said, worry for her evident in his expression.
She turned to face him and the bleak look in her eyes stunned him. "Yes, Giles...there is. I- I know that Anne is pregnant because," her voice dropped to a whisper, "because I am, too."
Buffy. Pregnant. His Slayer, 'his' responsibility had become a statistic- another pregnant teenager. Where in the bloody hell had he been? How had this happened... Who? Giles shook his head, certain that it was all a mistake. And what did her being pregnant have to do with a Slayer who'd existed several centuries ago?
He opened his mouth to speak and had to force the words out past the lump in his throat. "Are you certain?" At her nod, he continued. "I- I don't understand. Y-Your...condition...now...in the present... What does this have to do with Anne?" Just saying it out loud sent a stabbing pain through his heart. How could he not have realized that she'd been seeing someone? How could he have been so blind?
"I- I've been having dreams...about Anne and Guillaume. In French. I could feel everything that she felt... In the dreams, I'm her." Buffy could see the pain in his face and it made her want to turn and run from the room before she told him the rest of it.
"And you neglected to tell me this? Something that could have aided us in our research?" He could feel an anger rising at having been kept in the dark about her dreams. "Are the dreams prophetic? Can you tell?" he asked through gritted teeth.
"I- I'm not sure. They feel so real...but they're all in the past, not the future."
Willow watched as Giles stood and began to pace. She could see the tightening of his jaw and knew that his anger was barely being kept in check. And the worst is yet to come, she thought desolately, frightened for them both.
"I see," Giles said, running his hand through his hair. "And why do you believe that your- your pregnancy is somehow related to Anne's? How is your condition proof of hers?"
Buffy blinked back tears. How could she tell him? He was already filled with anger; she could feel it coming off of him in waves. She took a deep breath, stumbling over the words. "I- the baby- it...it's Spike's," she whispered, not daring to look at him.
Giles' head jerked around suddenly to face her. "Spike! Were you attacked? Did he hurt you?" He would kill the vampire with his bare hands- slowly, painfully.
"NO! Giles, it wasn't like that. Spike and I...we were...together." She looked up hesitantly. "For over two months." Buffy felt Willow come up and take her hand, giving it a squeeze. She looked at the redhead gratefully and then ventured a glance at the Watcher's stricken face.
Giles couldn't feel his limbs. He couldn't feel anything...in fact, he was certain that he'd had some sort of brain embolism, that he would wake up in the hospital only to discover that this had all been a horrible nightmare...an hallucination. That was the only logical explanation for what was happening. None of it was real...
It couldn't be.
The seconds dragged on with no response from the Watcher. Buffy stared at him, frightened by the blank look in his eyes. "Giles? Say something...please..." she begged. When his narrowed gaze found her, she shrank back from the barely contained fury that she saw there.
"What would you like me to say? That I'm happy for you? That your lack of respect for me, for my position as Watcher, and your utter disregard for your sacred duty is perfectly acceptable?" His voice was low, controlled...ominously quiet. "Well, I'm sorry to say that I'm not happy for you, and it's not acceptable. Any of it."
"Giles- "
Giles slammed his hand down on the table. "No, Buffy! This is not happening again- I won't allow it!"
Willow spoke up. "Giles, it's already done. We can't change that."
He glared at Willow. "You knew about this? And you didn't see fit to tell me?"
Willow bristled. "It wasn't my place."
Giles turned away, removing his glasses and pinching the bridge of his nose. "How could this have happened?" he asked. "What could possibly have possessed you, Buffy, to become involved with Spike?"
"I didn't plan on it... He came to me and offered to help...help kill Angel. The rest just... happened. Neither of us expected it to go that far."
"But it did, didn't it? And you kept this from me...lied to me...for weeks...months." He turned back to face her, his expression one of pain and betrayal. "I don't know who you are anymore."
"Giles, please... I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Buffy sobbed. "I wanted to tell you, but I was afraid. I didn't even understand myself what was happening, and then when it got serious..." She looked at him with shimmering eyes. "I- I didn't want you to hate me."
"You have so little faith in me...so little trust? Dammit, you should have come to me immediately, when Spike first approached you!"
"I didn't think, Giles! I just wanted Angel gone before anyone else got hurt...or killed. Spike had a plan to take him out... I never thought it would end up like this."
"No, obviously you didn't think at all," Giles muttered in disgust, putting his glasses back on. "Instead you had sex with a demon and to hell with the consequences! Does the safety of all that you hold dear mean so very little to you? Your friends' safety, your mother's?"
"No, of course not! But Spike's changed, he's different than he used to be. He even saved me from Drusilla...he sacrificed her for me. He isn't just a demon, Giles." Her hand went to her stomach. "He has to have a soul, doesn't he? In order for this to have happened?"
Giles closed his eyes against the image of her...with Spike. William the Bloody. "He's a vicious killer. Nothing more, nothing less."
"I don't believe that. I love him, Giles."
Love. She loved Spike. Would the nightmare never end? His voice cracked like a whip. "Well, you have to believe it! Need I remind you of what happened the last time you decided that you were in love with a vampire? Have you forgotten Jenny...or Oz?"
Buffy raised her tear stained face to look him squarely in
the eye. "Of course I haven't forgotten. I live with their deaths on my
conscience every day of my life. But Spike didn't kill
them and I won't let you blame him for something he didn't do." She reached
for her purse. "I think I should go."
"NO! Buffy, wait..." Willow placed a hand on Buffy's arm. "Let me talk to Giles for a minute, okay?" Buffy hesitated, then nodded. She turned without a word and went into his office to give them privacy.
Giles paced agitatedly, still vibrating with anger at the thought of Buffy lying to him for all those weeks. "I don't know what you hope to accomplish, but it won't work. She lied to me, Willow. She shut me out of her life and now she expects to waltz in here and dump all this in my lap? I don't bloody think so!"
"Giles, will you stop and think for a minute? She was afraid of how you'd react, afraid of disappointing you. She knew that you'd be angry...upset."
"Well, she was right! I'm bloody well furious!"
"Giles, listen to me! The journals, her dreams...there's something more going on here. Anne, Guillaume- Anne is Buffy's middle name and Guillaume is French for William."
He looked at her in surprise. "What are you saying?"
Willow let out an exasperated breath. "I'm saying that maybe Buffy didn't have a choice. She told me that they tried to stay away from each other and couldn't. That when they're apart, she can't stand it. Giles, what if history is repeating itself?"
He struggled to remain calm and think rationally. What Willow said had merit and if there were supernatural reasons for what had already transpired... "If what you are saying is true...then we must finish translating the journals...so that we can be prepared for whatever occurs." Her face brightened and he held up a hand before she could say anything. "That doesn't excuse Buffy's lying to me, Willow. She broke our trust, and I'm not sure that I can forgive her for that."
Willow looked up at him with eyes that seemed to penetrate his very soul. "Aren't there things that you've kept hidden? Things that you wished you'd done differently? She needs you, Giles...more now than ever before. You don't know everything that's happened, everything she's gone through. These last two months have been hard on her, and lying to you was the worst of it. She hated every minute of it."
The many things he wished he'd done differently were too numerous to mention. His past was filled with so much darkness, so much regret. And the girl standing before him was another reminder of how impulsively he'd acted just less than twenty-four hours ago. His expression softened somewhat as he stared down at her. "Be that as it may, I can't just pretend that everything is fine."
"No one is asking you to. But Buffy is scared...and alone. She and Spike broke up a couple of weeks ago, he doesn't even know about the baby."
Giles sighed. "What a bloody mess." He ran his hand through his hair in frustration. "All right, I'll talk to her again. Would you go and get her please?"
Willow smiled and patted his arm. "Thank you, Giles. The important thing now is helping Buffy get through this. We don't know anything about a vampire/human hybrid, or how dangerous this pregnancy might be. There's a lot to think about." She turned and left him standing there, feeling numb from the emotional onslaught. His thoughts were jumbled as he waited for Buffy to come out of the office.
Inside the room, Buffy had cried silent tears while waiting for Willow to retrieve her. She was afraid that what she'd done had damaged her relationship with Giles beyond repair. The look in his eyes- the anger, the disappointment...the hurt. It was entirely possible that she'd lost him for good, and that he'd ask to be removed as her Watcher. She'd never felt so utterly alone in her life.
Her heart leaped into her throat when Willow appeared at the door and beckoned for her to rejoin them. She walked hesitantly over to Giles, sitting down at the table when he motioned toward one of the chairs.
Giles took the seat opposite her and regarded her for a long moment before speaking. His face and voice were stern, reproachful. "I cannot begin to understand why you felt it necessary to lie to me, Buffy. The lack of respect and trust that you've shown me hurts more than I can possibly say." He took a deep breath. "What's done is done, however, and the only thing we can do is move on from here. I am your Watcher...and I will continue to perform my duties as I see fit. Willow and I will complete the translations and try to research your...condition...as best we can."
Buffy sighed with relief. "Thank you, Giles. I'm sorry for lying to you...I never intended to hurt you." For the first time in days, she felt hopeful. Her Watcher was staying; he was still going to help her. Things were far from fine and he was still very angry, but they could get past that. She would work at rebuilding his trust in her and they would get back what they'd had before. All that mattered now was that they were still together, still a team.
Giles cleared his throat. "Yes, well. Willow tells me that you and Spike are no longer seeing each other? Perhaps that's for the best, all things considered. You can move on with your life. You needn't ever tell him about the baby."
Buffy looked at him in shock. "I can't keep this from him. I'm telling him about the baby and his soul...tomorrow."
"I don't think that's wise-" he began, but Buffy cut him off. "I'm telling him, Giles," she said firmly. "He has a right to know."
In Giles' eyes, Spike had no rights at all after touching his Slayer, but seeing the steely resolve in her eyes, he relented. "It's your decision. But I cannot condone this- this relationship, Buffy. I won't."
Buffy stood. "I don't expect you to. But I love him and that's not going to change." She turned to Willow. "I'm going home, Will. Are you coming?"
Willow shook her head. "No, I need to talk to Giles...and I want to look at the journals again. You go on. Get some rest."
Buffy nodded. "I'll call you before I leave for the mansion tomorrow." She glanced at Giles. "Goodbye, Giles." She turned and left without waiting for a reply, her step a bit more brisk than it had been when she'd arrived.
"Goodbye, Buffy," Giles said softly as she disappeared through the doors. His eyes found Willow's and they shared a sigh, their concern for the Slayer overriding any awkwardness that might have lingered from the night before.
Forcing himself to focus on the research ahead, Giles clapped his hands together. "Right, then. We have quite a lot of work to do, don't we? What do you say we get started?" He stood up to gather together the books that they would need.
Willow stopped him with a hand on his arm. "It's going to be all right, Giles. Things will get better, now that everything is out in the open."
He looked down at the young girl who'd suddenly matured years in only a matter of days. "I wish that I could believe that, Willow. I really do..."