Spinning the Wheel 14 - First Date

"Buffy has a date." Dawn sing-songed while she sat on the bed, watched her older sister applying her make-up.

"God, would you just shut up? It's NOT a date. What part of the not having a date doesn't get in your thick annoying skull?" Buffy grunted, anger making her flush a little bit.

Her sister had been over her the whole week, asking her where they were going and when. She just wanted to know everything. Buffy almost thought that Dawn was more interested in this date than she was.

Wow... wait, date? Now she'd thought it herself. She hadn't considered that thought when she had asked him out the other day. It was just a little gesture to make up for the birthday gift. It was a thank-you, nothing more.
Really, isn't there anything more? Her inner voice poking her in the mental side. Aren't you asking him out to dinner because you like him? Because you feel for him after you read the newspaper articles and the poem? Well… maybe. But what was so bad about it?
A date didn't have to be all about the relationships and smooching. She had told her sister about that thought but she just kept annoying her.

When she finished applying the eye make-up, the phone rang.

Dawn leapt into action before she did and picked up the receiver.

"Hello?" she chirped, her voice dripping with 'I love to annoy my older sister until she hits me'-happiness.

Buffy couldn't make out the voice on the other end but she could bet that it was Spike.

"Yes, she is, but she's still in her robe so that might take another hour."

At that, Buffy rose and yanked the receiver out of her sister's hand. The brunette flopped back on the bed with a satisfied grin.

"Hi." Buffy said and shot Dawn a killer look.

"Buffy? It's me." Spike replied, obviously a little confused.

"Yeah... hi... that was my sister. I'll be there in a minute, okay?"

"Suit yourself. I'll be down here, sit and spin." Without waiting for the answer, he hung up on her.

"Dawn, I'm so... Dawn?" Buffy looked down at the empty bed, her sister was gone. Oh no… she wasn't... she just couldn't…

Buffy grabbed her purse, tossed all the oh so important items in it and rushed down the stairs.

The front door was open and she heard Dawn's voice from outside.

"... really liked it. Got an A for it."

"That's good then. Now I know my advice does work, actually."

"Dawn." Buffy towered over her sister who had sat down on the front steps in front of Spike who looked up at her in surprise. "Would you mind and go inside and wait there until I come back and punish you?" Her tone was dead serious.

"Alright, alright. Not that I did anything wrong." Dawn stood and met Buffy's eyes with the typical 'annoying teenage sister'-look. She knew that Buffy wouldn't hurt her. Her mom would intervene before she could get started. "It was nice meeting you, Spike." she beamed at him, then vanished into the house.

Buffy watched her go, then turned to face Spike again who was still staring at her. She looked... gorgeous. Dark pants, black high heeled boots and silvery top that revealed an interesting sight of her back. And she wore the necklace he had given her.

"Spill, what did she do?" Buffy sighed when she heard the door click shut behind her.

"What?" he asked a little confused. "Oh, no... nothing. She just told me that she got an A on one of her poems. She's a nice girl."

"Wanna have her? I can so share. She's a pain in my ass." she rolled her eyes and came down the front steps.

"No, it's okay. We just talked, that's all. She didn't do anything that she needs to be punished for."

"She never does or she's too damn smart to get caught. Anyway, I'm sorry about that."

"No need to be. You ready then?"

"Sure."

Buffy waited for him to turn around and they headed towards the center of the town.

***

They made their way in silence, though it wasn't uncomfortable. Buffy's eyes dropped on him occasionally. It seemed as if he was looking better and better with every passing day. Like a flower that was blossoming more and more. God, what a chessy thought, Buffy scolded herself.
But it was true. Although he was still all in black - black pants, shirt and shoes and that old worn thing of a leather jacket that only a mother could love - he seemed to brighten up a little the more time they spent with each other.

That thought startled the blonde a little. Was she doing that to him? Was she... making him happy?

"Where are we going by the way?" he suddenly asked, making her jump a little and she covered it with re-settling her purse on her shoulder.

"Ehm... there's a little french restaurant downtown. You gotta love that place." Thank god it was dark, he shouldn't see her startled and confused.

"They don't serve frogs, do they? Cause I think I'd have a problem with that." And here comes the most lame joke of the century. Neat, Spike, really neat.

"Only when you ask them for it. That place is just great, you'll see."

***

The restaurant was located in one of the rather dark alleys in downtown Sunnydale. All alone she wouldn't have gone here, you never knew who was bumping the night.

When Buffy held out the door for him, Spike gave her an uneasy look. He didn't want her to do that, he wanted to keep what little of his dignity was left.

"Thanks." he mumbled quietly when she followed him in and the waiter showed them to their table.

There was a minute of confusion when the guy in the tux had to take away chair from the table and didn't know where to put it instead. But after he had decided to carry it away and not to put it at another table he brought them the menus with a cheerful smile.

Buffy couldn't even pronounce what she ordered along with a bottle of white wine for them but seemed to be something in the chicken family and that was always a good sign.
Spike didn't have much of a problem with the order but when the waiter was gone again he fell back into an uneasy silence.

"You don't feel comfortable, do you?" Buffy asked after a while, sipping from her wine.

"What?" Spike hadn't listened to carefully. His thoughts had drifted off a little but now he was snapping back into attention.

"You look like you'd rather be anywhere but here." she explained and he knew she was right. It must be too obvious.

"No, it's..." he tried to come up with something reasonable but she cut him off.

"No, tell me the truth. We can go. I can ask them to make the dinner 'to go' and we are out of here in no time." a flash of disappointment hit her as she said it. What if he said that they should go? The night would be ruined.

"Yes." he said, his voice and expression grim. "I am uncomfortable but we don't need to go. I can handle it." Yeah, right. Like when you couldn't stand being at the mall for two hours.

"What is it?" She put down the glass and propped her elbows on the table, looking him right in the face with concern dominating her features.

"It's nothing, really." he didn't want to tell her, he didn't want her to know about his insecurities.

"I won't talk to you the whole evening if you don't tell me."

Spike sighed deeply, fumbling the whiter than white napkin a little too nervously. "It's... it's just the way that guy looks at me."

"Who? The waiter?"

He nodded. He felt embarrassed to tell her that. It was like as if he had to admit that he was still sleeping with the lights on. Not that he did.

"When you held out the door for me, when he had to take away that chair… It's always the same. People either look at me as if I'm an alien, they stare at me and they don't even know that they do. Or they totally avoid me, like I'm not there at all." his voice was wavering a little. He really felt like a little child. A kid who woke up from a nightmare and who came crawling into the mother's bed.

"And what would be worse?" Buffy asked frankly, placing her chin in her hand. She studied him while he was staring ahead on the table cloth. She could almost see him shifting gears in his head until he answered.

"I don't know. I never really thought about it that way." he said, his voice calm with a little sad note to it. "Thing is... I know that I'm different. I know every single second of the day that I'm not like them. And wouldn't be that bad if... if the people wouldn't remind me all the time. When they stare at me... or when they don't, when they avoid me I feel even more different. And that's what hurts the most."

If somebody had told him an hour ago that he would open up to her that way he would have laughed out loud. He didn't know why he was doing it, it just came out as if they were talking about the weather. But he couldn't deny the tiny feeling of relieve that cursed through him as soon as the words were out.

Buffy stared at him for moment, comprehending his words as best as she could. Then she lowered her gaze. This was all her fault. She hadn't thought this threw when she had asked him out and now he was here, feeling uncomfortable, because of her. "This was a real bad idea, wasn't it? I'm sorry I'm putting you through this." she replied quietly.

Instinct drove him as he reached out with his hand, placing it over hers gently. He didn't know why nor could he stop himself before it was to late. "No, luv. It's okay. It's not your fault. I should have told you before." His eyes dropped on their hands and he pulled back immediately. Exactly what was he doing there? What was going on with him? It had to be the fancy restaurant, not doubt. "Actually…" he continued and felt a slow blush crawl on his face. "Actually it's… better when you are around."

Buffy looked down at her hand and then up in his face in surprise. She tried hard to follow the turn of this whole situation. This was something she hadn't expected. She hadn't expected him to reveal to much about what he felt and now with the touching? Okay, it was a brief connection that was hardly a touch but anyway. She didn't know what to make of it so she just stared him for a couple of seconds.

"I mean…" he sensed her uncertainty as much as she must have sensed his. This was something he hadn't planned and even if he had he would have slapped himself for it. "You're... you are with me... despite... this." he gestured down at the wheelchair. "That's something that doesn't happen very often. It... it helps." he smiled shyly, looking down at the table again.

If the world would just open up and swallow him whole. That would help even more. He didn't know what he was doing. Okay... he knew what he was doing but he didn't understand it.
For three years he had never opened up to someone like that and now she came along. The girl that had crashed into him with her car and he was telling her things he had told nobody. This was getting way out of control.

An awkward and highly uncomfortable silence settled between them, both trying to understand what was happening here.

Finally the waiter approached their table, serving the dinner.

They are in silence for a while until Buffy had collected all her courage and spoke again.

"So... do you like it?" she asked.

Spike nodded first since he was still chewing on a piece of meat but then answered. "Yeah, it's really good." a thin smile lightened his features a little. "Never knew about this place before," he added after a second.

"Me, neither. Riley showed this place to me about a year ago. He knew some of the secret places around town." the chicken tasted a little bitter with the memory of her ex but Buffy covered it as best as she could.

"That former boyfriend Riley? The one that left to go MIA?" Spike asked, unsure if he was pushing it a little too far.

"One and the same." Buffy nodded shortly and swallowed on the piece of brandy-pear.

"May I ask you something?" he didn't dare to look at her, fearing to be rejected. He didn't know where that sudden interest came from, he just wanted to know.

"What?" the blonde looked up at him.

"Why? I mean... why did he leave you?"

"I told you. He finally decided that I didn't love him the way he wanted me to."

"And I'm sensing that there is a little more to it than that. No guy just stands up and leaves like that. Not if he's a real man." Spike, don't you think you're going too far here? His inner voice poked him in the ribs but he pushed it away.

"Yeah, there is a little more." Buffy hesitated. Although she tried to convince herself that she was over Riley, whenever she thought about him a flash of pain stung her heart. More pain than she wanted to admit.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to." Spike said when he saw her hesitation.

"No, it's okay." she paused again, collecting her thoughts about what to tell him and what not. But he had been honest with her, too. "We met in my first year at college. He was a tutor for my psy-class and we got along really great. I mean, there were some difficulties in the beginning but then… It was about half a year ago when I…I found a phone number in his pants. And... I called it. I was curious." She took another bite of her meal before she continued. "It was... a hooker."

Spike gasped silently. That was something that surprised him a little.

"Her name was Denise. I asked her... if she knew Riley. I was curious. And I found out that... he was seeing her... frequently. So I asked him about it and he said... that I didn't love him. I didn't give him enough. As if that ho could give him more. So he... he said that if I didn't try to work on our relationship he would break up with me. What he didn't tell me in the first place is that he had already planned breaking up with me and that he was heading off to some sort of boot camp that night. I tried to stop him... but I was too late. He was already gone."

With a deep sigh she ended her story. A tear stung her eyes but she didn't want him to catch her crying by whipping it away. So she tried to busy herself with cleaning the brandy sauce off of her plate.

"He is even a more stupid wanker than I thought in the first place." Spike almost burst out. That story had fuelled some furious feelings in him that he hadn't been aware of before. "How could he ever do that to you? A coward git, that's what he is."

Buffy was a little surprised by his sudden rush of anger. Why was he acting all defending all of a sudden. That wasn't his business, so why did he care like that?

"You have a really colourful way to put things. But thanks for the concern." she tried to cover her uncertainty about the situation with one of her snappy comebacks.

He smiled at that, if only a little. Yes, he was angry. Even though he wouldn't admit more than that in a million years. The story about that Riley had pissed him off. If he could, he would rip his head off for being such an asshole.
He mentally shook his head about that. Why was he even caring so much? It wasn't his business, not at all. He wasn't supposed to bother that much but he did. He couldn't deny it. It was there, deep down inside him and it was fighting its way to come up.

"Oh... before I forget." Buffy blurted, interrupting the awkward silence. "Our drama teacher send out a memo today. They scheduled the play in ten weeks."

"Ten weeks?" Spike raised his eyebrows at that. "That's not much."

"Guess what I thought." She was glad how easily he hooked up on the change of the subject. She really didn't want to talk about Riley anymore. It would only spoil the moment. "I mean, it's not that drama is my only schedule. I don't know how to get the lines in that time."

"I can still help you." he shrugged a little, as if stating something totally normal.

"You sure I'm really not bothering you? I mean I'm such a horrible student when it comes to acting. I must be annoying as hell."

"As I said… I like having you around. Plus... you're not that bad actually. We will get this done." his smile spread a little more as did the light blush on his cheeks. Oh, he was getting in trouble with all those little compliments. He should really watch his tongue or she would jump to some wrong conclusions

.

"Well... if you say so. I nail you there then." she beamed back at him, her eyes sparkling a little brighter than before.

"So... if you want, you can swing by any time you want." They had been at this point before but again, but again he was a little afraid. He couldn't push that away. It was like a psychic tattoo he couldn't get rid of. The fear of being rejected stayed with him no matter how hard he tried to convince himself that she wouldn't say 'no'.

"Mind if we start tomorrow then? I'm really afraid that I might blow up that whole thing."

"No problem. Just give me a call before you show up. I tend to sleep a little longer on Saturdays. Some of the old rock 'n' roll days are still stuck somewhere I guess." he covered that pang of sorrow in his heart with a smile, but his eyes gave away what was going on in his mind.

"I'd really like to hear you play." Buffy said, not knowing where that sudden wish came from.

"I kinda…" Spike hesitated. Typical. One little statement you don't think through before you say it and you're at the point of no return again. But he really didn't want to talk about that right now. Never, actually. "I kinda don't play anymore."

"But you still got the guitar."

"It's not something you give away so easily. Plus that thing was expensive as hell. But... ever since… the accident... I can't bring myself to play anymore. It just doesn't feel right, you know?"

Buffy nodded but she didn't know. She didn't understand. But she knew that it had to have something to do with the girl that died that night, his girlfriend.
But she also knew that she couldn't ask him about it although she was dying to know.

They finished that dinner in silence. That was a little awkward feel to it but it was still bearable, so both of them didn't do anything about it.

Spike felt a whole lot uncomfortable having Buffy to pay for the dinner. There was too much chivalry in him to pay for the meal when he was out on a date. Wow... .date? No, no no, no date here.

***

When they reached Buffy's home they stood in front of the porch, not knowing what to say. Here they were, at the end of a really nice evening and now they didn't know how to end it properly.

It had been a long time since Buffy had been on a date, especially with someone she wouldn't take inside afterwards. The last date she could remember was with Riley and that ended up in her bedroom.
But this was different. This was a story with an open ending.

"I..." Spike broke the silence after a while. "I... wanted to thank you… for this evening I mean. It was… really nice." he lowered his gaze, his heart was pounding in his chest a little too furiously.

"Pleasure's mine." she beamed at him, glad that he had finally said something. "I'll... see you tomorrow then?"

"Sure enough." he nodded briskly.

"Well then… I'll... go inside and kill my sister."

A smirk crept in his face that made his eyes sparkle in the streetlight. "Say hi from me, will you?"

"Sure." There it was again. The uncomfortable silence. Somehow something was stopping them to just part and call it a night. As if something was still missing. Buffy wanted to turn around and go inside but something was keeping her outside.

Another second passed until she knew what that something was. Spike had taken hold of her left hand and breathed a short kiss on her skin, his lips nothing more than butterfly wings against her flesh.

While he did that he looked up at her, locking his eyes with hers. There was no fear this time, but there was something else she couldn't fathom. And that - the uncertainty about that look - scared her this time. She didn't know what to make of it but before she could try to fathom it Spike pulled back from her and a slow smile spread on his lips.

"Goodnight." he simply said, turned around and started down the street towards his home.

Buffy stood outside her house for a couple of minutes, the feeling of the kiss still lingering on the back of her hand.

So that wasn't a date, huh?

Spinning the Wheel 15 - Interlude

The ten weeks between their date and the opening of the play went by faster then either of them had expected.

After meeting the next day they had been together almost everyday, rehearsing. Buffy's acting got a lot better over the time and after one day of intensive English training she was able to pronounce all the nasty the little words that had made Shakespear the "most crappy crap of all craps since the crap had been invented".
After she'd said that Spike hadn't talked to her for about five minutes but one of her overly dramatic performances had shaken him out of his mock-pout.

But they didn't just rehears together, they spent more time with each other besides the play and going through the text.
By the time, Buffy introduced him to her friends and her mother.
Joyce was more than friendly, which tended to be a little embarrassing. But at the end of that evening, they got along a lot better than before and Spike had told her that he liked her mother. Or fancied her, how he put it.
Her sister had been jumping for joy when she'd invited him over to dinner. They had talked about poetry almost the whole evening and Buffy couldn't deny a pang of jealousy seeing her sister almost devouring the guy she was supposed to hang with.

Buffy was surprised seeing Spike getting along so well with her friends.
Well... except Xander maybe. The carpenter had built a ramp leading up the front stair so Spike could come over to her house once in a while. That had been the most uncomfortable situation between them. He didn't want to use it and he could be stubborn like a baby. But finally Buffy managed to persuade him. After that Spike didn't miss a change to call Xander that most colourful variety of nicknames. The blonde could only shake her head over that. Maybe it was one of those guy things, with the whole masculinity and dignity involved.
She didn't want to get mixed up in it so she just smiled over it. And it was funny seeing Xander turning purple every once in a while and Spike with the plastered smirk on his face.

One night when they were over at his place watching a movie together, Buffy watched him out of the corner of her eyes. He had changed, rapidly. It was as if someone had taken a brush and had started to paint him in brighter colors, making him smiled and even laugh a lot more often. She really liked it when he laughed, it made his eyes sparkle like a sunshiny summer sky.
Although he could get grumpy from one second to the other, they had become kind of friends. Of course, there were things they didn't talk about, things that Buffy didn't want to stir but he had opened up to her about a couple of things like on their dinner that day.

She hadn't realised that Spike had been watching her at the same moment. She thought that the smile on his lips had been caused by the movie. But he was thinking about their time together, too. About the days they had spent together, how much she had warmed up his life.
She was like the bright sun shining down on frozen earth, melting it at the edges, letting the little, vulnerable tips of flowers poke through.

He had gone away from that flower analogy the second he had thought it up, but he knew that it was right. She had changed his life, just by being there with him.
He had been out, had met other people, made new friends. It was nice to have some people around once in a while although he still preferred being alone. Or just with her.
But he also knew that she had changed. When they had met for the first time, she had been like all those other girls who had nothing more on their mind than guys and clothes. She had been the all-American mall girl. But now he saw what lay beyond that.
A young but strong women, with her own thoughts, ideas and dreams. Someone who cared about her friends and the people around her. Someone who could listen when it was necessary.

They had become friends.
More than that but he pushed that little thought that came up once in a while away as best as he could manage. They were friends, good friends who liked to spend time with each other It was nice to have somebody around after all this time alone.

Spinning the Wheel 16 - The Show Must Go On

"I can't do this. I'll make a total fool out of myself. Everybody will laugh about me. And all the other guys in class will hate me cause I'm screwing up their play. This will be the worst day of my life. I swear. I won't go out there. I just can't."

Buffy was pacing back and forth in the dressing room behind the stage panicking. She heard the low murmur of the audience settling into place, and heard the rumbling on stage while the props and the set were being prepared.

The rooms around her buzzed with anticipation. The other girls who shared the room with her were applying their make-up and slipping into their costumes but none of them seemed as anxious as the blonde.

"Buffy, you just got to calm down." Willow tried for the hundredth time to get through to her friend but nothing seemed to work. She plopped down on one of the chair, put her head in her hands and sighed deeply while Buffy continued her pacing and rambling.

"This will be hell. I can't even remember my lines when I have to be on stage. I won't go out there. They can't force me, right?"

"God, would you just shut up." Willow eapt to her feet, staring at her friend with wide eyes.

Buffy stared at her for a moment. That had finally gotten through the thick cloud of stage fright around her.

"I'll go get Spike." With that, the redhead vanished from the room and slammed the door shut behind her. The blonde stared after her friend and at the door but the second she was gone, she started pacing again.

***

The foyer was still crowded. The play was supposed to start in about half an hour but most people wanted to finish the usual small talk and welcome cocktails.

Willow glanced about the room and saw Spike in the far corner, talking to Buffy's mother and Giles.

"Thank god you're here. You gotta come with me." Her pleading look caught Spike's attention immediately when she reached them.

"What's wrong?" he asked. "Something's wrong with Buffy?" That caught Joyce's and Giles' attention.

"Kind of, yeah. I'm afraid you're the only one who can help her now. I'm at the end of my rope." The redhead sighed again.

"What's wrong with her?"

"She's freaking out." Willow bounced impatiently on the balls of her feet.

"Again?" Spike rolled his eyes but followed the redhead without another word.

***

Carefully, he knocked on the door of the girl's dressing room. Willow had made the bee-line to the bath-room, saying that she couldn't help Buffy anyway.

It took about a minute until a young girl with short dark hair ripped the door open. And it took her another minute to realize that Spike wasn't at her eye-level.

"Yeah, what's up?" she blurted then.

"Is Buffy in there? I need to speak to her."

"Sure." With that, she slammed the door shut again. But she didn't bother to turn down her volume when she reported him to Buffy. "Buffy, that Billy Idol guy is out there."

He heard muffled chuckling from the room and shifted uncomfortable as much as he was able to shift before the blonde opened the door. "Thanks, Kathy." she said back into the room and closed the door behind her. "Hey, what are you doing here?" she smiled down at him.

"Willow sent me. Said you were freaking." He looked at her, concern flickering over his feature. Buffy was pale with a greenish shimmer around her nose. And her hands were shaking nervously.

"Yeah, a little." she tried to cover it and grasped the flowing skirt of her costume.

"Tell me about it." he demanded, his voice somewhat hard but still friendly. It had that resolved tone to it that made you confess everything.

The blonde hesitated for a second but he had that look on his face that sent shivers down her spine. It was as if he was looking right through her, as if he could read what was on her mind. She lowered her head, escaping his gaze.

"I can't do this, Spike. I can't go out there." her voice wasn't more than a whisper. She felt embarrassed that Willow had told him about her stage fright.

Spike sighed. "We've been through this, Buffy. You can do it and you know it."

"No, I can't. I don't remember anything. Not a single word. It's all gone. When I go out there…"

He cut her off by taking both her hands in his, locking his eyes with hers again. "Buffy, calm down, okay?" he said with a soothing voice, squeezing her hands slightly.

Buffy stared at him in surprise, his sudden contact had taken her a little off guard. And his eyes did the rest, again. They were paralyzing her, drawing her in and keeping her there at some bizarre place, revealing so much and nothing at the same time. She couldn't stand looking at him that way but it was also something she loved to do.

"Now, listen to me." he continued after a moment's silence. "I know this is hard, you are afraid and you think you're gonna die out there. You want to run away as far as you can. But that's not true. I've seen you, going through the lines with me and up there on stage during rehearsal. I know that you can do it, more than anybody else." Buffy tore her eyes away for a moment but focused back on him when he continued. "And if that doesn't help… then do it for me." he hesitated again but this time not for the dramatic break in his speech but for a little blush to crawl onto his cheeks. "I'd go up on stage and do it for you but I can't. Never again. But you can. You can go and bath in the spotlight and in the audience and you can kick their asses up there."

Buffy couldn't help but chuckle a little.

"Will you do that for me?" His last words came out a little quiet and a sad shadow flickered over his face, clouding his eyes for a moment.

She had to swallow and just nodded silently.

There she stood in the hallway behind the stage getting the most personal encouragement speech ever and she didn't know what to say. She couldn't even say thank you, she could just stand there and stare at him. He was holding her hands in his warm, soft palms, soothing her with his eyes and words and she wished for nothing more than to crawl into his lap and hug him.

But before she could so much as blink, someone bumped into her from behind and she stumbled, breaking the contact to regain her balance.

"Buffy, we gotta go. Curtain opens in five minutes." Kathy blurted and made her way down the hall, the other girls pouring out of the room as well.

The blonde turned towards Spike again and gave him a grateful smile. "Thank you." she said quietly.

Spike just nodded and his eyes followed her when she disappeared towards the stage.

"Break a leg." he muttered under his breath.

That hadn't been planned, not at all. He didn't want to give her a speech like that, giving her so much insight. Of course, they had shared something before but this…

It had been lead by more emotion than anything else before. It came from deep down inside him and in a very strange way, it was scary. The feeling that was bubbling up inside him grew more and more intense the harder he tried to push it away. It was like a gentle warmth spreading in his stomach, a crackling fire in a cold winter night.

A ringing sound buzzed down the hallway, indicating that the play was about to start. With a resigned sigh he made his way back into the foyer and then into the theatre itself.

Since he'd visited some of the rehearsals he had his place in the back right beside the door. He couldn't take one of the usual seats, plus he was comfortable with this. He could see everything but nobody could watch him.

And so he did when the curtain slowly drifted to each side, revealing the site of a beautifully designed stage. Some students of the art department had worked on the set and they did a fantastic job.

Anticipation was tingling inside him as Buffy's big entrance came closer and closer. He found himself crossing his fingers for her. Hopefully, his little speech had helped a little and she didn't screw it up.

"They met me in the day of success; and I have learn'd that perfect'st report, they have more in the, than mortal knowledge…"

Spike expelled a breath he didn't know he was holding when Buffy's line came out the way they had rehearsed them a dozen times.

She was sitting at a table, reading a letter from her husband. The spotlight bathing her in a golden light. With her hair done in a classic 18th century fashion and the dark green skirt she looked like an… she was simply beautiful. He couldn't tare his eyes away from her during the whole scene, following every step over the stage.

It was perfect. It was just the way they had done it in the rehearsals. Her words came out clear and right and her acting was better than ever, like she'd never done anything else. As if she actually was this character and at the same time, so much that he could just stare at her. He just blinked when the curtain closed again and she was gone.

***

The play was the greatest success the drama class had ever seen. They even got a standing ovation and the curtain had to open five times.

The foyer was packed when everybody gathered around the tables filled with champagne and orange juice.

Spike sat a little off to one side talking to Joyce and Dawn while Giles was on his mission to get them drinks. He had a hard time making a bee-line through all the chatting people, their talk about the play filling the room with a cheerful rumble.

"You did a great job, Spike." Joyce smiled brightly down on him and he blushed a little.

"Wasn't really my job. I was just helping where I could, the rest was up to your daughter."

"Yeah, but she would've chickened out if you hadn't talked her into pulling through. She told me about that like twenty-four seven." Dawn rolled her eyes, thinking about the time when she had to listen to Buffy's drama-moments at home.

"She did?" he cocked his hand to one side, looking up at the girl a little curiously.

"She did what?" Buffy appearing behind her sister, looking over the brunette's shoulder with bright eyes.

"Nothing, we were just talking about you behind your back." Dawn pulled the blonde into a tight hug. "You were great. I always hoped for you to make a total fool out of yourself. But hey… never happened."

"You're so dear. Thank you." Buffy nodded, her voice had a little sarcastic edge to it.

"You're welcome." Dawn beamed.

"My daughter's an actress. I'm so proud of you."

Buffy couldn't even blink before Joyce had taken her into her arms. Her mother's voice sounded proud and a little teary.

"Please don't give me the 'my daughter's going to make it' speech again, mom. Just let me bath in the glory or stardom a little, will you?" she mumbled into her ear before her mother released her.

"I know. I know." Joyce whipped a stray tear away before smiling brightly again.

"Congratulations, Buffy. You were really great up there." Giles appeared from behind, handing her a glass of champagne, and padded her on the shoulder.

"Thanks, Giles. I'm glad that I didn't blame the Mother country." she winked at him before her eyes finally settled on Spike who had been watching her intently the whole time.

"You did it." he simply said and couldn't keep the proud tone out of his voice. As she stood before him now in her jeans and shirt and her hair all loose she looked even more beautiful than up on stage. She was glowing with something he couldn't fathom.

"Yeah." Buffy's voice was calm and barely audible in the buzz of voices in the room.

"Thank you." he looked up at her, drinking in her sight and for a moment he felt something snapping open inside him, letting in the radiance that surrounded her and his heart skipped a beat.

"You're welcome." her eyes sparkled down on him and she nodded slightly.

They looked at each other for a moment, forgetting the masses of people around them. Everything else was just a distant rumble of sound but it didn't matter. Nothing else mattered.

***

Spike broke the eye contact first, blinked and dropped his gaze into his lap. The noise around them came rushing back and was too loud for a moment.

"I... ehm.. I'd better go now. All these people... they kinda make my head spin."

"Shall I… walk you home?" Buffy asked, still unaware of the people around him.

"If you want to."

"I'd love to." she smiled shyly. "Mom? Will you pick me up at Spike's place in say... half an hour?"

Her mother's head snapped up from the conversation with Willow and Tara. "Sure, sweetie. You're going so soon, Spike?"

"Yeah. I'm not the guy for the big crowds. But it was nice to talk to you again. Giles, I'll get back to you about this Champion's Leaque thing, okay?"

"I'll count on it." the shopkeeper replied with a nod.

"Well then... we are off. See you guys later." Buffy waved a hand at her family and friends, then made her way to the door.

***

The cool night air sent a chill down her spine and Buffy rubbed her arms, trying to fight the goose-bumps on her arms.

"You cold?" Spike asked, concern in his voice when they were out on the street.

"Nah, it's okay. Was just too damn hot in there. I'll get used to it in a minute."

They made their way in silence but Buffy felt him glancing up her every now and then.

"What?" she asked after a while.

"What, what?"

"What are you looking at? Do I still have make-up somewhere? What is it?"

"It's nothing, really." he lied, the dark of the night hid his blush. Whenever he looked at her he felt that warmth inside him, like she was radiating. But he couldn't tell her that, she would totally mistake him. "I just… you were amazing up there."

"Although I know that you're lying to me, the compliment makes up for it. So, thank you."

"No... I…" he broke off again, the words he had planned to say suddenly gone. "I have to thank you. For going out on stage and doing it."

"Well, it's my way to say thank you for wasting your time with me. It's really no big deal." But they both knew that it wasn't true. Buffy couldn't tell him that she'd just played for him. When she had been on stage all she hadn't played for the audience but for him. She had seen him in the back in his usual place, his bright blond hair giving him away despite the dark in the theatre. When she had her monologues she'd just done them for him, speaking to him like she'd done during the rehearsals. Sensing him there had given her the strength to pull through.

"It means a lot to me. You should know that." he stopped, hands resting on the wheels, and looked up at her. Buffy could have sworn she saw a stray tear glistening in his eyes. If so, he blinked it away quickly. But his voice was wavering a little nonetheless.

"I know." Buffy lowered her gaze a little embarrassed. She didn't know exactly but she could sense from the look in his eyes. "I… wouldn't have done it if it hadn't been for your pep talk back there. That really helped."

Spike looked up at her, narrowing his eyebrows a little as if trying to shift gears around her words. But then a slow smile spread on his face.

"You're welcome." he nodded ever so slightly and they continued there way in silence, dwelling in each other's presence. There were no more words needed.

***

By the time they reached the apartment building Buffy had seriously started freezing. But she didn't want to tell him since he'd asked before and she had denied it. She was shivering and rubbed her arms every now and then to keep off the chill. She should have taken her jacket but that was in her mother's car who was supposed to pick her up in about five minutes.

"You're not planning on doing any other plays in the future, are you? Cause I really enjoyed this." Spike said, twisting the keys in his hands.

"Not very likely. I had enough nerve-wreaking for a lifetime." she smiled apologetically.

This was one of those moments she wished didn't happen. They had to say their goodbye not knowing what was going to happen next, weather there would be a next meeting or not and neither of them dared to do the first move.

"You know..." Buffy began finally. "Since tomorrow's Saturday…how about a breakfast?"

"Well, I usually do that every morning." a smirk flickered over his face when he squinted up at her.

"Duh." she propped her hand up on her hip and gave him a mock-scowl. "I mean you and me. I bring the food and you provide the coffee. Sound good?"

"Well..." he hesitated for a second but nodded finally. "Okay. When?"

"Say... nine-ish? I planned some shopping with Willow for tomorrow. But if you want to come along…"

"Shopping with a bunch of girls? No, thank you. But the rest sounds good."

"Great." Buffy beamed at him.

"Well then… bet your mother will be here any…"

That was all he could say, before the front door was ripped opened and something blond rushed into him.

"Spike?" the woman's voice chirped and she straightened, shaking her long hair out of her face. She held a small cardboard box in her arm, the content rattled with a fragile sound.

Spike stared at the woman for a second, blinked and tried to say something but closed his mouth again without a single syllable.

"Hi. I'm… Buffy." Buffy held out her hand to the woman.

The blonde seized her up and down, snorted in distaste and continued ignoring her. "I didn't know you were coming back so soon. I just picked up a few things I left here."

Spike still stared at her as if she'd fallen out of heaven just now. It took him a couple of seconds to find language again. "Harmony?"

"Well... yeah." she rolled her eyes at him.

"What are you doing here?" Something in his mind stopped him from understanding what was going on just now.

"Are you deaf now? I left some stuff here and now I came here to pick it up."

"It's been three years."

"I just came to miss the stuff now. So what?"

The conversation was interrupted by the horn of a car. Buffy's head wiped around, finding her mother parking against the curb.

"Well, I gotta go now. See you tomorrow, Spike?"

"Uh-uh." he nodded but didn't look up at the blonde.

"Okay. Was nice to meet you." she said towards Harmony but only earning another disparaging look.

"Yeah, whatever." Harmony replied.

With a shrug, Buffy went to the car and got in the passenger seat. Her eyes drifted back to the couple in front of the door. She had an uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach. She didn't like this woman in her cheap pinkish outfit from the very beginning the tension between her and Spike was almost visible. There was something going on between them, she didn't know. She hadn't asked him about anything in his past but this was something she hadn't expected.

Three years? Must have been after the accent. Could it be that she had been his girlfriend? Way no. Not in a million years. Buffy had seen picture of the other woman, Drusilla. And she had been nothing like her. All dark and hypnotic eyes and with a touch of gothic to her appearance. But Harmony - the name mostly spoke for itself - was a study in contrast, with a bright blond hair and the girlish clothing. It just couldn't be.

"Everything okay?" her mother asked concerned while Buffy still looked out of the window.

"What? Oh, yeah. I'm fine."

"Who was that woman?" Dawn blurted from the backseat.

"I don't know."

***

"Who's that girl?" Harmony asked, balancing the cardboad box on her hip.

"Who?" This couldn't happen right now. It had been three years since she'd stormed out of the apartment in a flourish of blond hair and silken skirts. And after that he hadn't seen her anymore. But now she was back, she had been in his apartment picking up some stuff she suddenly came to miss. What was going on here?

"The little blonde with the last year's cloth?" she replied as if revealing the mystery of the ages.

"Oh… that was Buffy." he blinked, realizing for the first time that Buffy was gone. He knew he'd said goodbye - or something like that - but he didn't really comprehend it.

"Your new girlfriend?"

Spike blinked at that, considering the thought for the first time. "No... she's just... she's just a friend."

"Yeah, thought so." she snorted again then burst out into a girlish fit of giggles. "You know, one could really think you're some kind of eunuch or gay or something."

"What?" he stared at her. He couldn't believe his ears, she couldn't have said that.

"You know what I'm talking about, Spike." she made a dramatic pause before continuing. "You think you have a real chance with that girl? I mean with your abstinence or whatever you call it. That's not really attractive, you know?"

He couldn't reply, he couldn't even think of words. He could just stare at the blonde woman with the penetrating voice who looked down on him in total distaste.

"Well then... I'll be gone. See you around."

Spinning the Wheel 17 - Almost Over

***

Buffy clawed her way out of the slumber when her alarm clock beeped in protest. The red numbers indicated 7.45. Way to early to get up on a Saturday morning but she had promised Willow and Tara to come along to the mall.

Plus, her mother had given her some extra money. 'For the big star', she'd said.

Great. She had to star in a play first before her mom gave her some extra shopping-money. It wasn't fair. But buying new clothes with other people's money could heal some of the gaping wounds the play had torn into her self-confidence. It would help.

Yawning, she padded over into the bathroom, kicked the door shut with her butt and turned on the faucet of the shower. There was much water needed to get her into gear this morning.

***

***

The hot water was pouring down her body, the spray prickling on her skin like billions of tiny needles. She rolled her shoulder and her neck, trying to force the tiredness away. It didn't really help but at least she had tried it.

After almost half an hour, Buffy stepped out of the shower and wrapped a huge, fluffy towel around her naked form. She shivered a little as she hopped across the hall. Her stomach growled in protest. She so needed a decent breakfast, soon. With another towel wrapped around her damp hair, she stood in front of her closet, trying to decide what to wear.

It was just a breakfast, she tried to remember herself. Breakfast with Spike and shopping with her friends, a great day to come. So she decided for something casual, black pants and a white shirt with a golden skull printed on it. She couldn't remember were she had bought that thing but it was one of her favorite pieces.

***

***

"Mom? Do we still have those croissants or do I have to get some on my way?" Buffy entered the kitchen fully dressed and with a cloud of vanilla perfume marking her way.

"Why?" Joyce Summers sat at the kitchen counter, reading the morning newspaper.

"I want to go over to Spike's. We're having breakfast together and I promised the food."

"Sorry, hun. We're fresh out of those." She smiled at her daughter, who had a bright smile plastered on her lips.

"'kay. I'm going to be late then but at least they will be fresh. Willow is going to pick me up at his place and then we'll head for the mall, okay?"

"Sure, sweetie. Have fun."

"Thanks, mom." Buffy gave her mother a quick peck on the cheek and then left the house through the back door.

***

***

The grocery store was just a few blocks away from Spike's apartment but Buffy was going to be late. It was 8.55 already and she was still standing in front of the huge shelf and couldn't decide. Why did there have to be so many kinds of croissants? With cheese, with chocolate… anything you could think of.

At least they don't mix chocolate with cheese, Buffy thought with a little giggle that made the older woman beside her frown at her.

With a puff of expelled breath she stepped forward and grabbed one of the bags. She could have gone to a real bakery but that was downtown and she didn't have time to go there. So they would have to deal with these. And since Spike wasn't all into the high cuisine she didn't think it would be much of a problem.

As she went on to pay for the croissants, her eyes caught one of the glossy magazines next to the cash register. One of her favorite actors was seductively smiling at her and she just had to flip through the pages to see if there were any sexy picture for her to drool on.

***

***

You can stand in whatever queue you want. It can be the shortest in the whole grocery store. When you have little time or are already late you have to wait in the longest line, no matter what you do.

Buffy tapped her foot on the floor, trying to keep her mouth shut over some nasty words she was going to throw at the old lady in front of her. Why do old people always have to count out every coin twice? Was that their way to torture the oh so impolite youth? She would bet on it.

Spike would be mad. Or maybe he had already died from hunger. Buffy would if she had to wait any longer.

The croissants' aroma drifted through the plastic bag and her stomach growled again. She was craving this breakfast. Nice food and a strong coffee. That's why she usually hated to have breakfast at other people's home. When you were there you were already starved half to death. She should have told him to come over to her place.

Next time, she reminded herself. Next time you'll have him come over.

***

Buffy stormed down the street, ranting under her breath about how stupid some people could be and why they always had to cross her way. Her hair was whipping in the chilling fall breeze and she drew her jean jacket a little tighter around her body.

She should have asked her mother to give her a ride, since Joyce wouldn't let her take the car on her own. This would have gone a lot faster and she wouldn't have to hurry so much.

But maybe he was still sleeping, she tried to calm herself down. Maybe he forgot about this and she was hurrying for nothing. With that in mind she slowed her step a little and took a long breath to steady her pulse a little.

***

***

Buffy shook her long mane out of her face and jammed the key into the lock. She didn't bother to take the elevator. That small thing was creeping her out and the stairs up to the second floor weren't much of a problem. She was late anyway and those few seconds wouldn't matter anyway.

She carefully knocked on the door before she started unlocking Spike's apartment door. Since she'd almost run into him when he came out of the shower, she was more than careful not just to rush into the apartment like it was her's.

"Spike? You up?" she called into the room but didn't get an answer. Maybe he was still asleep and wouldn't even notice how late she was.

***

***

"I know I'm late but it so wasn't my fault. There was this old lady in the grocery store and she…" Buffy stopped dead in her tracks and dropped the bag of croissants and her keys.

There he was, sprawled on the floor. His wheelchair stood about three feet away, a spilled bottle of whiskey lay beside his right hand and huge kitchen knife just out of arm's reach. Dark blood had welled up against his bare chest from zig-zagging cuts above his heart and something white and greenish had bubbled up from his mouth. And he didn't move. She wasn't even sure if he was breathing. For a few seconds she just stared ahead until she snapped out of her shock.

"Spike? God!" she stormed towards his unmoving form on the floor and fell to her knees. "Spike? Can you hear me?"

She didn't know what to do. A million thoughts rushed threw her mind and none at all at the same time. Everything was blank and she was panicking. Her hands were shaking violently as she tried to feel for his pulse. She dropped his hand once before she could force her fingers around his wrist. Nothing, she didn't feel anything.

"No, no, no, no…" It was like a mantra she repeated over and over when she reached for his throat. This couldn't be, he couldn't just…

Her fingers brushed the skin right under his chin and her heart skipped a beat when she felt the weak but steady throb of his pulse against her fingertips.

"Spike? Can you hear me?" she asked again and slapped him lightly on the cheek. Nothing.

His eyes were rolled back and under his half open eyelids only white glistened in the dim light.

"Don't do this to me, okay?" she pleaded. Her brain had switched into auto pilot. She didn't know what she was doing but she had to do something. With shaking hands she reached for her purse, turned it upside down and fished for her cell phone.

"H-hello? My... my name is Buffy Summers. I…." her voice broke off, she didn't know what to say. She didn't know what had happened here. Plus she had never called 911 before.

"Miss? Are you still there?" the voice on the other end answered.

"Yeah, I'm. .I don't know... I need an ambulance."

"What happened, Miss? Can you be more specific?"

"I don't know..." everything was spinning in her head and she closed her eyes, trying to focus. "My friend's sick." she said finally. "I need help."

"Can you tell me what happened?"

"No, I... I just got here and found him. I don't know what happened. There's... there is blood and..."

"Give me your address, Miss. We will send somebody."

Buffy gave the address of Spike's apartment and the woman on the other line tried to calm her down. Help was on the way and she should try to stay calm.

Stay calm? How should she stay calm?

Suddenly, Spike coughed one of those unhealthy coughs and the greenish whatever bubbled up from his mouth. Fresh blood welled up from his chest.

"God, Spike. What…" Buffy tried to cover the wound with her hand. The warm blood stuck to her fingers and she felt his heart pounding against her palm.

As his head rolled to one side again, she slapped him in the face once more. "Try to stay awake, okay? Help is one the way. Just... try to stay awake."

He coughed again, trying to shake her hand away but she held on to (his) chin.

"What did you do?" she tried to get him to talk or to listen to her, whatever would keep him awake.

"Tried…" he croaked, his voice hoarse and barely audible.

"What? Spike, talk to me, okay? Don't get unconscious again. Help will be here soon."

"Tried…" he started again. "Tried... to cut... it out."

"What?" Buffy didn't know if she had heard him right or if she was hallucinating. "Tried to cut what out?"

As an answer, Spike's fingers closed around her wrist of the hand she'd place over his heart. His head rolled to one side and he opened his eyes a little bit more, seeing her for the first time.

Another minute passed in which Buffy could just stare at him. His eyes had flickered shut again but she still felt his heart thumping against her hand. The rhythm was slow but steady.

Suddenly, the bell rang. Buffy had to tear herself away from Spike, stumbled to her feet and hit the button of the intercom in the hall.

Two ambulance men rushed past her into the apartment.

"Miss, you call us?" one of them asked, his tone harsh but his eyes shone with kindness.

"Yeah, I..."

"Mike! Over here!" the other called from the living-room.

Buffy leaned against the wall opposite the door and watched the two men working. Everything they said seemed to be some strange language she didn't understand. Their voices buzzed in her head but nothing seeped through into her brain.

She didn't even notice one of the men running down the stairs again and returning with a stretcher. It was all too far away.

***

You don't get prepared for situations like that.

You don't expect to come into your friend's apartment and find him sprawl on the floor almost dead.

And there is nothing that can prepare you for situations like that. You can think about it a thousand times but when it really happens, everything you ever thought about goes to hell. You don't know what to do, don't know what to say. Everything happens at the same time and nothing at all.

That was what Buffy felt that moment. She didn't know what it was at first but when reality kept creeping into her mind, she knew what it was. Helplessness.

***

Buffy sat in the ambulance. The guys named Mike right beside her. He explained to her what they did and what needed to be done at the hospital but she wasn't listening.

All that mattered right now was that she was holding Spike hand in her own bloodied palm. She was chewing on her lips and tried to force back tears.

'Please, don't die. Don't die.' was all she could think of. There wasn't much more she could do right now but it had to be enough.