Chapter 14:

Spike was just nodding off in his chair when he heard the door creaking slowly open. He smiled, knowing it was her. "Pet, getting to be a habit, this. Can't find anything better to do at one in the afternoon?"

"Not really," was the soft, somewhat slurred answer. Spike furrowed his brow and stood up to look at her. He sniffed the air, catching the familiar scent of liquor.

"You're pissed, aren't you? Barely past morning and you're soddin' sloshed!" Spike chuckled a little, but had a very concerned look in his eyes.

Buffy smiled coyly and brought the bottle of tequila from behind her back. "Ya caught me. Sorry I started without you. You wanna join?"

Spike eyed her suspiciously, but wasn't about to pass up a chance to spend time with Buffy. "Yeah, alright. But tequila's not really my thing, love. Got my own, if you don't mind."

"By all means! Just more for me." Buffy made her way to the opening of the 'basement' of Spike's crypt. He raised his eyebrows. "What? I like it down there. It's dark and quiet. And you have more comfortable furniture down there." She started down the ladder. Spike grabbed his bourbon and followed.

"So, what's the occasion, love?" Spike was still wary of her, wondering what game she was playing at.

"Huh? Oh...I guess...life! I decided life was *so* worth living, and I wanted to celebrate with my unliving friend. Got a problem with that?" Buffy plopped down in a big red chair.

Spike rolled his eyes. "Oh, I see. A little more with the 'so sad' bit, then? 'S getting old, pet. Besides, I thought we talked this all through last night. What's with the 180?"

Buffy frowned and pouted. "Spiiiike, you're supposed to love just being in my presence. Do you really need a reason? I mean, you still love me, don't you? I can tell. I can tell by how you kissed me last night."

Spike sat down against the wall opposite Buffy. "Yeah, I still love you. Always will, I assume. Doesn't mean I wouldn't like to be around you once in a while when you're not depressed. Last night, for instance, was better. But this...not sure I'm in the mood."

Buffy pouted some more. "Why are you talking to me like this? You're suppose to just listen and get it."

"Oh, I get it, love. You hate your life and you come to me because I'm the only one who knows. You put on your happy face for your chums, and I get to see real Buffy. And as flattered as I should be, I know it's only because you don't care enough about me to care how this makes me feel. Last night made me think differently, but I see now how it really is. You protect them because you love them. You say you don't love them, but I think ya do. You put all the crap of your life out on me because you don't really care how it affects me. You think it doesn't kill me to see you so unhappy? You think there isn't a day that goes by that I wish I could do something to help you, to make you feel normal again? But there isn't. So yeah, I sit and listen, because it's all I *can* do. It's all you'll *let* me do. But it doesn't mean I have to be happy about it." Spike took a long pull on his bottle and stared right at Buffy.

Buffy pouted a bit more and took several small drinks on her bottle, making faces every time that made Spike smile, despite his aggravation. They both just sat in silence for a few minutes, the sloshing of the liquor the only sounds. When Buffy's bottle was empty, she stood up and walked unsteadily over to where Spike was. She grabbed his bottle just as he was about to take a drink. He gave her a look of mock anger and stood up, a bit wobbly himself. He walked over to the chair Buffy had been in and sat down. Buffy harrumphed at this and walked leisurely to the chair. She put one knee on either side of Spike's legs and sat on his lap, straddling him. He raised his eyebrows at her actions and grabbed the bottle from her.

"Ok, I think you've had enough, pet. You're doing things now that get naughty little Slayers in trouble." He took a drink and set the bottle down on the floor.

Buffy cocked her head to one side and said, "I *am* a naughty little Slayer, aren't I?"

Spike took a deep breath and slowly tried to push her off, "Ok, look, as much as this is right up my soddin' alley, I don't fancy you sobering up and making me urn sized."

Buffy would not be extricated from his lap. She clamped her legs around his thighs and held on. "You said you wanted to do something for me. To make me happy?" She started tracing her fingers up and down his chest.

Spike looked very dazed and confused. "Yeah, I do, pet. But not this. This wouldn't make you happy. I mean, hell yeah, it would make you happy, but only for a little while."

"Oh, come on, Spike. Don't tell me you haven't dreamed of this. Did you dream about me while I was gone? Did you imagine making love to me?" By now she was running one hand through his hair while exploring the landscape of his chest from underneath his shirt.

Spike gulped. "Yeah, I did. Every night I dreamt about you. Making love to you, kissing you, tasting every inch of you...but we can't. I mean...no, we can't. You don't know what you're doing. You're 3 sheets, love. Why don't you go home and sober up. I'll walk you, so long as you don't mind the sewers."

"Don't wanna go home. Wanna stay here. Wanna do this." Buffy took off her shirt, slowly, and threw it to the side. She took one of Spike's hands and placed it on her breast, squeezing his hand there. Spike closed his eyes and tried to remove his hand. Buffy's slayer strength was not diminished by the drink, he deduced. Buffy put her hand behind Spike's neck and pulled him to her.

"You dream about tasting me? Do you dream about tasting my body or my blood?" She now had Spike's face pulled into her neck, where he couldn't resist the urge to give her a little lick.

"Both," he rasped.

Buffy pulled his head back and held his face. "Spike, I want you. I want you to make love to me. I know you think that I'm just drunk, but I really want this. I've wanted it for a while. I just didn't know how to tell you, and I knew if I had a little to drink I wouldn't have any problem saying it. I almost said it last night, but I couldn't. So.here I am. Asking you for help, to make me happy. You said you would help me. I want us both to be happy, Spike."

"Are you sure, pet? You have to be sure."

"I am. I've never been more sure of anything." Buffy leaned down and took Spike's lips in a fierce kiss.

**

Chapter 16:

"Oh, Buffy, thank God!" Giles ran to embrace Buffy as she exited Spike's crypt. Buffy stiffened at his touch, and he quickly pulled away.

"What the hell is *this*, Buffy? What's going on?" Xander fumed as Buffy stepped away from Giles. He was holding the note she had left for them. "And what the hell does 'don't blame Spike' mean? What did he do?"

"Oh no..." Willow threw her hand to her mouth. Xander looked at her, then at what she had seen. Two small marks on Buffy's neck. No longer bleeding, but obviously fresh.

"He's dust," Xander ground out as he pushed past Buffy. She grabbed his arm and held him fast.

"No, it wasn't his fault. He...I made him." Buffy refused to look at any of them, something akin to shame washing over her.

"Made him? Yeah, I'm sure you had to try really hard too. Buffy, I swore if he ever hurt you that that would be the end of the line for him."

Buffy gave a grave laugh. "Oh, ok. If we're killing everyone who's hurt Buffy, then you all can take your place in line for the chopping block. Spike's the only one who tried to help me. And yeah, I wanted to die. Still do. But he wouldn't let me. He stopped me. See what I did? See what you made me do?" Buffy ripped off the makeshift bandage from her wrist, baring it for her friends to see.

"Oh, dear Lord, Buffy...you did that?" Giles mouth fell open in confusion. Buffy nodded mutely. "Buffy, you're letter...you were in heaven?" Another nod. "I...I don't know what to say."

"Nothing to be said. It's done. And I just blew my one chance at going back any time soon." Buffy hung her head, grasping her wrist.

"Oh, God, Buffy, I'm so sorry. It was all my idea. Don't be mad at them. I did it. I thought..." Willow broke down into tears. Tara put a bracing arm around her lover.

"Buffy, we *all* thought that you were somewhere bad. W-we just wanted you to be safe and happy," Tara offered, now holding Willow in a supportive hug.

Buffy hung her head and wrapped her arms around herself. "I know, Tara. I know you were all just doing what you thought was right. I know I can't really blame you, but I was so happy. You guys don't understand what it's like to be here again. After being where I was...I'm so miserable."

"Yeah, so miserable you'd let Spike kill you...that's not miserable, Buff, that's insane." Xander was pacing a good distance from the group.

"That's enough, Xander. Obviously Buffy is going through something that none of us can fathom right now. I don't think this is the place for judgments. I think we should all be thankful that Spike had the...good sense to help Buffy instead of harming her further." Giles spoke to Xander but never took his eyes off Buffy.

"Good sense? You call that bite mark good sense?!"

"Look, by Buffy's own admission, she...manipulated Spike into doing that. I don't think we should be surprised that he did it, I think we should be surprised that he stopped. He is, after all, still a soulless creature. Buffy offering her blood to a vampire and living to tell about it is a testament to said vampire's...uniqueness. As are his actions this past month. No, I hold no ill will toward Spike. I think he is the only reason Buffy is standing before us now."

"I can't believe you are ok with this, Giles! He bit her! What kind of world do we live in when vampires can bite our friends and we go congratulate them??" Xander was still pacing, but Tara walked over and put her hand on his arm.

"Xander, think about it. Remember what Buffy told us before about the chip. It works on intent. If Spike had meant to hurt Buffy, he'd never have been able to bite her. I don't know what the circumstance was, but he wasn't trying to hurt her, and she wanted it. She wasn't a food source or a victim...she was willing."

Buffy's head flew up after hearing this. 'The chip. They don't know. They can't know, or they'll kill him.' "Look, guys, I really just want to go home now. I don't feel like talking about this, ok?"

Giles walked up to Buffy and put his arm around her shoulders. She didn't pull back this time. "Buffy, I think it's very important that we all talk about this. Not just what happened today, but everything. But not just now. You need to go home and get some rest. Alright?" Buffy nodded. Giles led her into the group. "Take her home. I'll be along shortly. Don't leave her alone," he instructed the others. "Buffy, I'm sorry but I feel it's necessary that someone be with you at all times, for a while anyway. I realize you're in a certain frame of mind that-"

"It's ok, Giles," Buffy interrupted. "I'm not going to try...this again. But I understand what you mean. It's fine." Buffy let Xander and Tara lead her out of the cemetery. Willow stayed behind with Giles.

"What did I do, Giles? You were right, I shouldn't have messed with that stuff. I just thought..." Willow started crying again.

"I know what you thought, Willow. And I can't say that I wouldn't have considered the same thing. But did you take time to research? Did you even consider what might have happened to her, or did you just automatically assume the worst?" Giles crossed his arms and looked sternly at the crying girl.

"I just wanted her back, Giles. I *wanted* her to be in a worse place, so I convinced myself she was. And I convinced everyone else too...I can't send her back, Giles. I can't do that."

"No, I wouldn't suggest that at all. There's no telling how something like that would turn out. No, I think the only option we have now is to somehow make amends with Buffy. Make her life here as pleasant as possible. I'm not sure how to do that just yet, but Willow, we've got to figure something out. Buffy feels scared and alone right now. We have to try and banish her fears and show her she's not alone." Giles walked to Willow and gave her a hug. "Now, why don't you go home with Buffy. Keep an eye on her, but give her some space. She's been through a very traumatic experience today; the last thing we want to do is make it worse."

Willow nodded. "Aren't you coming?"

"Shortly. There's something I need to do first." Giles nodded for Willow to go and turned toward Spike's crypt.

Giles knocked softly on the metal door. When he received no answer, he pushed it open gently. He gasped at the scene before him. Spike was standing in the middle of the room, shirtless, covered in blood. He was staring down at an area of the floor which Giles saw was a pool of blood. Giles shook his head at the irony. Before him stood a master vampire covered in a Slayer's blood. A Slayer that he saved. A Slayer whose blood her refused to drink, going against every vampiric instinct he had. All Giles could think to say was, "Thank you."

Spike stood motionless, not acknowledging the Watcher's presence. The little snort he gave upon Giles' 'thank you' was the only indication he even knew Giles was there. Giles stood for a moment longer, hoping Spike would be able to enlighten him on what had happened earlier. Upon seeing he was not welcome or wanted, Giles slipped out quietly and left to be with his Slayer.

**

Chapter 17:

They had all expected Buffy to rest as soon as they got her home, but she refused. Instead, she sat with them in the living room, silent for a long time. None of them dared to speak, all of them unsure of what they would say. Buffy had expected to want to go to bed also, but she found herself on edge, her entire body buzzing with some unexplained energy. She felt like something big was going to happen, and she wanted to be there when it did. She had a sneaking suspicion she knew what that something big was. The silence prevailed until Giles came in.

"Oh, Buffy. I'd have figured you'd be resting." Giles put up his coat and then joined the gang in the living room.

Buffy nodded. "Me too. Not very tired though."

"Yes, well then.....perhaps we should.....are you up for discussing what happened?" Giles tried to be gentle, but firm. This was something that *would* be discussed, whether his Slayer wanted to or not.

Buffy shrugged and gave a little nod. That was the greenlight for everyone. They were upon her at once.

"Oh, God, Buffy, I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I didn't mean to do this.....it wasn't supposed to be like this," Willow cried, kneeling in front of Buffy. The others were surrounding her as well.

"No, it wasn't just Willow, we all did it. Well, not Giles....."

"We just thought.....we're so sorry, Buff."

"If we had known, you have to believe we'd never have done it."

"We love you, Buffy. We love you so much."

Buffy looked at her friends around her, so repentant and pained for her. And like a dam bursting, she felt it all rushing back to her. All the love, friendship, and respect that she had held for her friends and Watcher for 6 years washed over her. And for the first time since she returned, Buffy cried in front of her friends. All at once, she felt so heartbroken over her friends pain and ecstatic for the return of emotion.

"Guys, ok, come on. It's ok. I mean it. It's not going to be easy, but it'll be ok. We'll fix it. We always do, right?" Buffy was smiling through her tears, trying to cheer up her friends. The irony of the situation was not lost on her.

Slowly, the tears stopped and everyone returned to their seats. Giles had hung back, watching the scene with something akin to happiness and confusion. He knew something big had happened with his Slayer today. And even if he couldn't explain it, he knew things were going to get better for her. Slowly better, but better nonetheless.

After a few moments of silence with only the occasional sniffing to be heard, Buffy realized something. "Giles, what kept you?"

Giles cleared his throat, not wanting to lie to Buffy, but unwilling to remind her of what had transpired earlier. But Giles knew that honesty would have to be the prevailing policy if they were going to make things better for Buffy. "I, ah, well.....I dropped in on Spike for a moment. To, well.....to thank him for what he's done for you."

Xander shook his head and as he was about to speak, Buffy cut him off with a gesture. She stood up before her friends. "Look, guys. I want everything out in the open, ok? You need to know that I've been miserable since I got back. And you need to know that Spike was the only person I felt I could go to, to talk. I realize that hurts you guys, but I can't help how I felt. I didn't want to talk to you, because I blamed you. And that's not something that I can just wipe clean, ya know? Things will be better, I promise, but they're not going to be peachy-keen over night. And you all, especially you, Xander, are going to have to accept that Spike is my friend. At least I hope he still is. And I hope you can all give him a little bit of respect, because he's earned at least that. I'm not asking you to like him, but I want you to accept that I do. I like him, and he's been my only friend since I got back. And now I have you guys again, but I'm not going to drop him, because I still want him around."

Xander stood up, not to be stopped this time. "Buffy, you know he's still in love with you. You know hanging around him will only encourage him. And a Spike with hope is not of the good."

Buffy looked harshly at Xander. "Gee, Xander, when you were in love with me all through high school, maybe I should have stopped being your friend. Hope I didn't encourage you too much by being nice to you." Xander sat down sheepishly. "Yeah, I know about your crush. Hard not to. I know about alot of stuff I'd rather not. I know you guys are scared about me being close to another vampire. I know Xander hated Angel before he even had a reason to. I know Willow was all for the kicking of Angel's ass, apparently, but she still restored his soul. That one's always confused me." Buffy looked pointedly at Xander who had his head in his hands. Willow was looking at him confused. "And I know that Giles has more reason than anyone here to be worried, but he's been respectful to Spike, even appreciative. He realizes Spike is not Angel. All I'm asking is that the rest of you realize that too. The past is the past. The only way I can get my life together is to put it all behind me. I know Spike has done some evil things, but right now he's being decent, and that's more than I ever expected from him. I'm just focusing on the here and now, and maybe later I can think about the future. I'm going to need everyone's help with this. Now what's gone on between Spike and I is private. I can assure you he is just my friend. A friend whom I've hurt beyond belief. I've got to think of a way to make it up to him before I can face him again. But right now, I just want to enjoy being in the presence of my loving, *understanding*, friends." At that, she gave Xander a light smack on the head. He looked up at Buffy, who was giving him a little smile.

Xander stood up. "Sorry, Buff. I have no right to judge anything you do. I haven't been in your shoes, I don't know what you're going through. No, I don't like Spike, but if you like having him around, I can deal." Buffy gave Xander a big hug, which he reciprocated. "Ah, ok, I need to call Anya. She's still at the shop, she doesn't know anything that's gone on here. Gotta fill her in."

Buffy smiled as Willow and Tara came in for a hug of their own. Willow whispered, "I never said anything about kicking Angel's ass, you know....."

Buffy nodded. "I figured that out pretty quickly. Xander was just....being Xander I guess. Or at least being 'Xander when it comes to Angel'.....Like I said, doesn't matter now. It's all in the past."

Giles moved toward Buffy and took off his glasses. "Buffy, I'm concerned--"

"Oh good grief, Giles! Stop being so concerned! Be happy! Everything is good, or will be. We'll fix it, we're the Scoobies!" Buffy sounded a bit exasperated.

Giles smiled, "Um, yes, well, I was actually going to say that I'm concerned about your wrist. Shouldn't we tend it properly?"

Buffy looked down at her arm. She had re-wrapped Spike's shirt around it while they were walking her home. She slowly unwrapped it to check the damage. It was still red, raw, and somewhat gaping, but Slayer healing had kicked in pretty efficiently. The bleeding had long since stopped, but it still looked ripe for infection.

"Willow, Tara, perhaps you girls could take Buffy upstairs and look after that. I'm afraid I'm not very good when it comes to.....open wounds."

Tara and Willow nodded simultaneously and Buffy allowed herself to be led upstairs.

Giles was standing in the living room when Xander entered. "Where go girls? Me like girls."

Giles smiled at Xander's poor attempt at humor. "Xander, I wanted to discuss something with you."

"Uh oh, Serious Giles. I don't think I like him."

"Yes, well, regardless.....It's very important that you respect Buffy's wishes when it comes to Spike. I'm the last person to argue for a Slayer/vampire friendship, but I've come to learn that there are exceptions to every rule. I fear that if you continue to disparage him in front of her, you'll only succeed in driving her further away. I'm sure that's not what you want."

"No, of course not. I just.....I'm having a hard time getting used to the idea that she wants him around. That she *likes* him around."

Giles looked at him coldly. "Yes, and I'm sure you didn't *like* him around when he chopped off the head of the Malfot demon who was about to devour you last month. He saved your life, Xander. All of our lives, to be precise. It's a courtesy that I'm ashamed to say I don't think you would extend to him."

Xander sighed, "It's not like I want him dead. I'd help him out in a fight. It's just....it's Buffy. She doesn't always have the best judgment when it comes to guys."

Giles considered this. "Well, I'd say she's not entirely daft when it comes to choosing what men she wants by her side. You and I have lasted quite a while."

Xander smiled and patted Giles on the back. "Yes, but we are a rare breed, G-man."

Giles raised an eyebrow at Xander. "Indeed."

Chapter 18:

Buffy spent the rest of the day with her friends. It was no longer a chore to be with them. She didn't have to pretend she liked them. She was so grateful to be able to love them again. She felt happier than she had in a while. Still, something was missing. She knew full well it was Spike. She had hurt him. Badly. All he had done was be open to her needs and she took full advantage of that. He loved her and she used that love to hurt him.

"What do I do?" Buffy asked before realizing no one had a clue what she was talking about.

"About what, Buffy?" Willow asked as she set down a tray of drinks on the living room table.

"Spike. I can't believe I did that. I mean, I was so terrible to him. How can I see *now* that was so wrong, but at the time it seemed like the most logical thing in the world?"

"Ah, Buff, things were wonky. Spike understands that." Xander was keeping his word, trying *not* say mean things about Spike. It was definitely a challenge.

"You don't know, Xander. You didn't see what I did to him. I...played on his love for me. I made him think...I made him think I wanted him, so he would kill me. I am a psychotic witch! I mean, not the wiccan kind of witch..."

Tara smiled knowingly and patted Buffy's hand.

"Well, Buffy, I'd say the best course of action would be just to talk to Spike. Tell him you're sorry. Assure him that you're going to be alright, because I think he's very worried about you," Giles said.

Buffy nodded. "But later. I'm not ready to see him right now. I wouldn't know what to say."

"Well, I don't know about you guys, but I'm up for some food!" Xander stood up, rubbing his hands together.

"Sounds good."

"I'm in."

"Yes, I think we have something to celebrate. Dinner's on me tonight," Giles offered. No one declined.

"Alright, let's go pick up Anya on the way. She can close the store early for a little celebratin'!" Xander started handing out coats.

"I don't know, Xander. You think she's willing to cut short her money dance of capitalistic superiority to hang out with us?" Willow giggled.

Buffy raised her eyebrows. "She has a dance?"

Xander hung his head as he held the door open for everyone. "She has a dance."

On their way home from dinner, Buffy had a request. As Giles let her off at the cemetery gates, she promised not to be too late. No one questioned her. They all knew where she was going.

By the time she reached his crypt, she had worked over a few different scenarios in her head. She wasn't sure which opening line to go with, but she figured she'd be able to tell by his demeanor. The door was slightly ajar, which usually wasn't a good sign. She pushed it open slowly, letting her eyes adjust to the dark. There were a few candles burning. Buffy's eyes burned with tears as she remembered the sweetness of Spike the last few days. As she entered, she immediately noticed the blood. Her blood. It was just a big stain now. Some discarded rags and shirts were the remnants of Spike's cleaning attempt. She shook her head, disgusted with the idea that Spike was here cleaning up her blood. 'He shouldn't have had to do that,' she thought.

"Spike? You here?" Buffy climbed down the ladder quietly. After getting no response, and searching a bit around the lower level, Buffy decided to leave. She figured Spike was at Willy's or something. Probably on a well deserved bender.

As Buffy walked dejectedly to the gates, she heard a scuffling off to her right. She passed through some trees to a clearing. What she saw made her stop and admire. Spike. Fists and fangs. He was fighting 3 fledglings at once. But he was in complete control. He was playing with them. He'd knock one off as another charged at him. She saw the glee on his face. This was his therapy. This was his bender. She let him have it. She could have easily joined in and staked them good and proper. But then what would Spike do to get out his aggression? She watched him for another 10 minutes. The stupid newbie vamps never thought to run. For some reason, they kept thinking their numbers would overpower him. The obviously didn't know Spike.

She made sure to keep herself hidden, lest one of the vamps take her for a helpless young girl. She still wasn't up to slaying yet, but she would if she had to. After a while, she could tell Spike was getting bored. He staked one, then another. When the third one managed to kick the stake out of Spike's hand, Spike raised his eyebrows and shrugged. He grabbed the vamp's head and twisted it off.

When he was done, he stood several yards away from her, his back to her. She decided it would be nearly impossible to sneak away without him noticing, so she was just going to let him leave before she moved from her hiding spot.

"Gonna stay there all night?" Spike said without facing her.

Buffy sheepishly crept from her spot. 'Stupid vamp senses.' She walked up to him slowly, pretty sure he wasn't really in the mood for her to be there.

"What do you want, Slayer?" His voice was colder than usual. 'To be expected,' Buffy thought.

"Um, I just wanted to...apologize." Buffy noticed Spike's back muscles tense in his tight t-shirt. She was sorta thankful she still had his duster.

"Right, apology accepted. G'night." Spike stalked away from her.

Buffy jogged to catch up with him and grabbed his arm. He spun around to face her, still vamped out. "What do you want? You apologized, I accepted, now why don't you toddle on home?"

Buffy looked at the ground, but never released his arm. "I also wanted to thank you..."

Spike jerked his arm away. "Thank me?! Thank me for what? For biting you? For nearly killing you?!" He grabbed her arms and pulled her close to his face. "Take a good look, Slayer. This is how you always see me, isn't it? The monster? Fine, I'm the monster. You wanted me to bite you, I bit you. But don't you ever try to thank me for it. Because for all your talk before, I know you don't see the man. The man is who you asked to make love to you, the monster is who bit you. And that's all you want from me. It won't happen again, Slayer. I won't be taken in by you anymore. You made me feel like a man, but thank you for reminding me what I really am. Because when I'm with you, I forget for a while sometimes. So thank you, Slayer. Thank you for reminding me how you really see me." With that, he shoved her away. He turned to go again.

"Spike, please just let me explain." Spike turned and started to speak. She reached up and put a finger on his mouth. Then she trailed her hand up to his forehead, caressing the ridges. He immediately slid into human face. She let her hand drop from his face.

"What do you want, Slayer?" He sounded tired, exasperated.

"I wanted to say thank you for...everything. Saving my life, firstly. Because I do realize how monumentally stupid that was. And I realize it hurt you. I'm not sure I can ever make that up to you. Because I do see you as a man, Spike. I know it was the man that I hurt, and I'm sorry. Not that 'sorry' makes it better. I also wanted to thank you for telling me to be honest with my friends. Granted, they found out by way of my...suicide note. But still...Spike, it was the most amazing thing. We were all there together at my house. They all knew everything. And just like a wall breaking down, it all came back to me. All the feelings I thought I had lost. All of it. My mom, Spike. I love my mom. And I can feel it again. And I owe that to you. If I had only taken your advice sooner, maybe things wouldn't have gotten so far out of hand." A few tears slid down her cheek. Spike's face softened as he reached up to brush them away with his thumb. Then, as if remembering himself, he pulled away.

"I'm happy for you, Slayer," Spike said earnestly, if sadly. "I knew if you were just honest with them, things would be better. So what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be having some Scooby celebration?"

"Already had one. Spike, I couldn't just let things lie with us. I had to come and apologize."

"Fine. Like I said, apology accepted. I'm happy that you're happy, luv." Spike sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

"Well, I'm not quite so happy yet, but I can definitely see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm hoping it's not just a train!" She chuckled, but Spike was not to be cheered.

Spike nodded. "That's good. I always felt honesty was the best policy. Too much shiftiness and shirtiness only ruins things. You all should take lessons from Anya. That girl is forthright."

"That she is." Buffy shifted a bit. "You're always honest with me, aren't you?"

Spike looked at her curiously, not sure what her tone was implying. "I try..."

Buffy looked around and found a headstone nearby. She sat on it and crossed her arms. "Tell me about the chip."

**

Spike stiffened. "What about the bleedin' chip?"

Buffy raised her eyebrows. "Why don't *you* tell *me*?"

Spike thought for a moment, then shrugged. "Ok. A couple years ago, a drop dead gorgeous vamp returned to Sunnydale set on tasting the Slayer's blood. But before he could fulfill his mission, some GI Joes zapped him with a taser and locked him up. Then they shoved a microchip in his head that didn't let him hurt anyone. And before too long-"

"Spike!" Buffy interrupted. "I'm serious."

Spike shrugged again. "Ok, so deep down said sexy vamp didn't really want to kill the Slayer. Apparently he was subconsciously in love with her. But regardless-" He was cut off with jab to his nose. "Oww, what the bloody fuck was that for?!"

Buffy was glaring at him. "I'm all on this whole new honesty kick, so let's get to it, ok?"

"Hey, you asked, I'm telling. Frankly, don't know why you're asking. You know as well as I do about the chip. Probably better, after being with Captain America all that time." She slugged him again in the face. "Bloody hell! What are you doing?" An uppercut to the chin. "Stop it!" Right cross. "Slayer! What the hell has gotten into you?!" Left hook. Spike vamped. "I mean it, knock it off or you'll be sorry." This is what Buffy was waiting for. A hard blow to his stomach and a left to his face took him to his knees. Almost instantaneously, he flew up with a backhand to Buffy.

Her hand flew to her face almost on instinct. Spike immediately lost his game face. They stood there staring at each other for a moment. Buffy returned to the headstone she had been sitting on. "Now...tell me about the chip."

Spike hung his head. "How did you know?"

Buffy shook her head. "First you answer my questions, then I'll answer yours."

Spike sighed and sat on the ground in front of her. He ran his hands through his hair. "Don't know how it happened. Just stopped working one day. I had gotten pretty drunk one night, which wasn't unusual..picked a fight. Bloke turned out to be human, but it didn't hurt when I hit him. Took out him and a few of his mates. That's how I found out. For all I know, it might start working tomorrow. Or maybe if you kick me in the head, it'll jar it back where it should be. I don't know. Maybe it's rottin' my brain all to mush or something." Spike had his head in his hands, refusing to look at Buffy.

"Have you...fed? Since it stopped working, I mean?" Spike could hear the apprehension in her voice.

Spike raised his head to look at her for a moment, then put his head back down. It was all the answer Buffy needed. She closed her eyes to keep the tears from coming. "Spike...you need to leave town. I don't want to stake you, but you know I'll have to. If you're killing in my town...I don't care who you are, I can't allow it. I'm sorry. I wish it wasn't like this...you...mean a lot to me. Please don't make me...do my job."

Buffy got up to leave, but heard him whisper. "It was only once...not that it makes a difference to you." She sat down again.

"What do you mean, only once? You telling me you were able to kill just one person and then stop yourself? Sorry, Spike, I don't think even you have that much self control. You never needed self control before anyway..."

Spike shook his head. "No, I really never did...Look, first few days after I found out...I hunted...a lot. I stalked women into dark alleys...it felt good. To be a hunter again. But I could never bring myself to approach them. Something...I don't know, I was scared. Scared to do it, scared that I'd forgotten how, scared that maybe the chip would kick in again, but mostly...scared of what you'd think. I know, you were gone, shouldn't matter. But anyway, one day I'd gotten in another fight. Down at that demon bar just outside of town. Was all vamped, having some balls-out fun, God that was a good fight. Anyway, some little chit saw that, was rightly impressed with me. Turns out she was a...groupie of sorts. Kinda like your soldier boy. Offered me $20 to bite her. Running on pure adrenaline and booze, I was...so I did it. Figured, free meal, easy money. But when I did it...soon as the blood hit my mouth...it was all you. In my head, in my ears, all I could think and hear was you. When I was holding her, biting her...it melted away until it was me holding you up on that tower. The way you looked at me, like a man. Not a monster, then. I was a man. Never felt more like it. I heard the words you said to me, felt you in my arms. And I knew...knew I'd never be able to feed on anyone. Even a willing someone, like that girl. And I didn't, not until...today."

A few tears trickled down Buffy's face, but she wiped them away quickly. "Is it hard? Knowing you can, but not doing it?"

"I can't, don't you see? I mean, physically I can, but I can't, not really. Hey, if the memory of you was enough to keep me from it, you think the flesh and blood Buffy is going to have less effect? I guess sometimes it's rough. Now that I can be a vampire again...I don't want to. And I'll never be a man, not really. And after a couple of years *not* biting people, it's not that hard to do. I mean, I got out of the habit a long time ago. I guess it's like conditioning. If I can just pretend the chip is still working, it's easier. But like I said, even if the chip doesn't zap me here, you sure as hell do." He tapped his head with a chuckle.

Buffy got up from her seat and sat next to him on the ground. "Yeah, but still...all that bloodlust. Can't be that easy for a vampire to give up."

"Sure, still got the bloodlust. But I got pig's blood for that, don't I? And I got the demon population to help out with my homicidal tendencies...though I'll be honest with you, a human picks on me, I'm not gonna back down. 'S one part of my nature I'm not going to suppress. I'll not refuse a fight from anyone nowadays."

"Oh, like Xander?"

Spike chuckled, "The whelp would hardly be a satisfying defeat. Besides, you think the Scoobies wouldn't stake me good and proper if they found out I could hurt humans again? And I doubt they'd believe that I don't. And anyway, I wanted to be able to look after them, like you asked. Couldn't very well do that if they staked me or ran me out of town, now could I?"

Buffy shook her head. "Guess not."

"So, now my question. How'd you find out?"

"Um, well...in your duster...there was this, um..."

"Bloody hell, my journal...can't believe I left that in there."

"Yeah, I, uh, I sorta read some of it. Sorry, curiosity got the best of me."

Spke shrugged, "'S ok. Most of it was to or about you anyway. You must think I'm a right soddin' git now..."

"Well, I might...if I knew what that meant..." Buffy laughed.

"I'm a ponce." Buffy frowned. Spike sighed. "A bleedin' softie. I bawled like a big girl, ok? And spewed out crap in that journal that just proves how much of a Slayer's lap dog I really am. Not even remotely Big or Bad anymore...pathetic."

"You're not pathetic, Spike. That stuff you wrote...it was sweet. It was nice to read, especially when I was feeling so alone. And I didn't read it all, just so you know. I kinda stopped when I got to the chip part."

"When was this? Today?"

"No, it was a couple of days ago."

"And you're just *now* confronting me about it? What kind of Slayer are you? I could have murdered half of Sunnydale by now!"

"I couldn't believe that, Spike. Not after how you treated me. How you made me feel so loved and wanted. I couldn't see a killer in you. At least not anymore. But I still had to know for sure. I didn't want to get...closer to you and find out too late my trust was misplaced. I've already killed someone I care about. I don't want to do it again."

Spike nodded. They sat in silence for a few minutes. Spike cleared his throat. "So, how's this honesty thing working out for you?"

Buffy chuckled and looked up at the stars. "Well, I'm a Slayer sitting in a graveyard having a heart-to-heart with my once mortal enemy whom I've seen naked, been bitten by, and who saved my life all in the course of an hour. I'd say it's working out better than expected really..."

Spike laughed and laid back, his arms behind his head. "So, that naked part...see anything you fancy?"

Buffy laid back beside him and elbowed him in the ribs. "Oh, wouldn't you like to know..." Spike raised an eyebrow and gave her a sideways glance as they both enjoyed the night sky in comfortable silence.

**

Giles was waiting up for Buffy when she came home. "So, how did things go?"

"Good. Things are good," Buffy said with a genuine smile. Giles was glad to see it.

"Splendid. So Spike harbors no ill will?"

"No, I mean, yeah at first he was majorly mad. But then we talked about...stuff, and he was ok. Good, even."

"Well, I'm glad to hear it. Um, Buffy, I do have a few questions though. I realize if you're uncomfortable discussing it with me, but I'd feel it remiss not to ask..."

"Oh, spit it out, Giles." Buffy sat on the couch next to him.

"Yes, well, it's about your...relationship with Spike. I know that you told us you were just friends. I'm wondering though...well, you seem to regard him differently than before you...left."

Buffy sighed. "Yeah, well, things are different with Spike and I. I barely gave him the time of day before. I basically used him. For information, for muscle...I never respected him. Not like I do now. I can't explain it, Giles. He's different. I mean, maybe he has been different for a long time, but I never bothered to notice. He was always just Spike. The pain in my ass that was useful once in a while. But now...he's not the same guy that tried to kill me in the school...not even the same guy who chained me up in his crypt."

Giles cleared his throat. "And you...have feelings for him now?"

"I care about him, Giles. Like I care about all my friends. I mean, ok, it is a little different than my other friends. He still loves me, I know that. And that's what makes how I treated him today even more terrible. Because he's *never* made an issue of that since I got back. Not once. He was always just there for me. And I felt loved, and it felt so good. And that's when I knew I could use him. And it didn't seem that bad until I saw the look in his eyes when I asked him to...to drain me. And that's when I realized what I had unconsciously known the whole time I'd been back. He's just a man. A man who loves a girl. He's not a monster, Giles, I don't care what anyone says. I don't care what he says. He's not a thing. He's a good person and I'm finally seeing that."

Giles sighed and hung his head. "I was afraid of this. Buffy-"

"Giles, I'm not in love with him or anything. We have a kind of connection, I know. But it's not love. Not on my part anyway. I mean, I know...he's a vampire. He doesn't have a soul. I knew a long time ago I couldn't love someone without a soul. Nothing has changed there. But it doesn't mean he can't be good. He can, I've seen it. I'm not sure exactly what having a soul entails, but I know Spike doesn't need one to be good. As sure as I am that I can't love him, not really. I mean, God, I don't even think of him that way. We're friends. He's been so kind to me and I keep hurting him. That's not the kind of friend I want to be."

"Buffy, I certainly do hope you realize that it would be incredibly unwise to have a relationship with another vampire. A soulless one, at that."

"I know, Giles. Like I said, we're friends. I know a lot is made about souls and stuff. I just think it's a basic emotional thing that is missing in vampires. I mean, Spike can love, but how deeply? And I can really like him, but could I ever love him knowing that he feels no remorse when he hurts someone? Or that he is proud of all the people he killed? Or that there's only one thing standing between him and bloody massacre?"

Giles nodded. "The chip."

Buffy took a deep breath. "Yeah." 'No, not the chip. Me. I'm what is standing between him killing. He doesn't hurt people because *I* wouldn't like it, not because it's wrong. Not because he doesn't like the suffering of others, but because of me. A bit too much responsibility for someone who's just gotten back from the dead, if you don't mind...'

"Buffy?"

"Huh?"

"Well, you were a bit, um...gone for a moment."

"Oh, yeah, sorry. It's just...don't worry, Giles. Like I said, we're friends. I don't love him. I know I can't, even if that was what our relationship is, which it's not. But I stand by what I said, he's good now. Or at least he's working on it."

Giles stood and sighed. "Well, Buffy, we disagree on the 'good' part. I do know that Spike's behavior has changed since he's had the chip and felt he was in love with you. I'm not going to argue with results at this point, but I think it's important to realize that at the core, he hasn't changed. Nothing has happened to him to change his nature. He's still a vampire. He's still soulless. And he's still a predator on a leash. As much as I appreciate and even respect him to a certain degree for overcoming some of his less than savory traits, I think it would be foolhardy to place too much trust in him. Were he to lose his chip right now, I'd put no faith in self control or 'love'. I can't fault him for it, it's just his nature. I agree that his good deeds are all the more impressive because of his vampiric instincts, but it's just behavior, Buffy. It's not a real change in who he is."

"Ok, Giles. It's late. We can just agree to disagree on Spike. But like I said, it's not like you have to worry about getting into another Angel fiasco. That is so not happening here. But I'm also not going to deny that Spike and I are close as friends. I know you respect that, so thank you. And Giles, don't worry, ok!? Just be happy. Everything is going to get back to normal, I'm sure of it!"

Giles gave Buffy a weary smile. "Yes, I am happy, Buffy. Happier than you could know that you're back with us. And I'm thrilled that you are feeling more yourself. And yes, I accept your friendship with Spike. But you understand as your Watcher, I had to be sure..."

"I know, I know. Let's just let it be for now, ok? I'm tired...kind of an eventful day."

"Yes, I'd imagine it was. Good night, Buffy." Giles headed up the stairs.

"Night, Giles." Buffy considered going to bed, but opted instead for some well deserved chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. 'Mmm, cookie dough...why don't people like just dough? Why does it always eventually have to be cookies? There's something to be said for raw cookie dough...' **

Ok, couldn't resist a jab at cookie-dough there! Anyway, it may be a couple days before my next update. Work is very meddlesome in my fun! R&R please!