Chapter 1 – Changes

I still don't know what I was waiting for

And my time was running wild

A million dead-end streets

Every time I thought I'd got it made

It seemed the taste was not so sweet

So I turned myself to face me

But I've never caught a glimpse

Of how the others must see the faker

I'm much too fast to take that test

               David Bowie

Buffy was late.

It always worried Spike when she was out of sight for too long. And although she’d call to say that she had an errand to run after Journey’s play group it made him wonder where she was. A slim pale finger tapped the side of the aluminum ellipse clock engraved with their anniversary date and calculated how long it should have taken her. It was after twelve and their daughter was used to her lunch promptly at noon. A small luxury they could afford since neither of them worked full time and was available to cater to their children’s every need. They always tried to keep their now three-year-old daughter on a schedule. The child care books said it gave children security to be able to count on things and making their baby feel safe was important to both her parents.

Spike picked up phone with every intention of checking up on his wife but after a second of debate returned it to the cradle. She’s safe, the baby is safe, he told himself and leaned back in his chair. The paperwork that Angel had couriered from Los Angeles for him to sign was forgotten on his desk while he tried to rationalize his fears. Ever since Buffy’s pregnancy Spike had felt a need to always know the whereabouts of his wife and children. The fight with the First a year ago had only deepened that fear. He knew that his obsession was sometimes a suffocating hold on his family but they tolerated it with as much good humor as they could. After all, they knew it was out of love and not in an insane need to control them.

The sound of tires crunching along the graveled driveway made Spike pull the blinds up to see who was pulling in. Even before he saw the vehicle he knew it was Buffy. The sound of the Navigator barreling over the bricked edge of the garden was a dead giveaway. His truck was really too big for Buffy to handle but she liked the power and security it gave so Spike indulged her. He swore though that one day she was going to take the corner off the house.

Spike hurried out to greet them with relief flooding his heart. He jogged down the back stairs, taking in the brunette undoing the child seat. After Buffy’s return from the Brandon Clinic her hair had never returned to blonde. It had been almost every other shade and style but she had never been his Goldilocks again. He didn’t mind though; after all, she was still with him.

“Hey,” Buffy said over her shoulder. “I’m sorry. The mall was really crowded for some reason. Must have been a run on vampire detectors or something.”

“I was getting worried.”

Everything crashed back into place when she turned around holding their child in her arms. A love that was purer than sunlight radiated through his being and banished any remaining doubts that he may have had. Spike leaned over to enjoy the familiar taste of her lips as he kissed her. At thirty the tiny Slayer was even more beautiful than when he’d first met her. Her body was as tone and taut as it had been at sixteen thanks to an intense training and exercise routine. A few lines had settled next to her eyes but she said that they were her happiness quotients. Her hair dyed to such a dark brown, that it was almost black, hung to her waist in a riot of wild curls. But it was her eyes that had changed the most. World weary, they had the wisdom of several lifetimes radiating from the hazel orbs. And her hands still gave a love that knew no end to her husband. She had become the rock to which his happiness and heart was secured to.

“Look, Joy, Daddy was waiting for us,” Buffy cooed, kissing the child’s cheek. “I bet he even has lunch waiting for us. No more of those nasty crackers Mummy was trying to feed you.”

Spike glanced behind them into the truck and saw crumbs all over his leather upholstery. He smiled and shook his head at the mess, but there was no anger for his child. Journey hated crackers and usually just crumbled them up in her surety of not eating them. He held his arms out for the child that was a crazy mixture of both Buffy and him. Her hair was his, dark and curly, her nose was definitely her mother’s and her eyes, well they were his too, but magnified in their intensity.

“Daddy, Daddy, Mummy shopping,” Journey informed her father as she was transferred to his arms. She wrapped herself around him as he hugged her tight.

“What did Mummy buy?” Spike asked. He watched as Buffy grabbed a shopping bag from the backseat.

“Secret,” Journey crowed, clapping her hands. She glanced proudly at her mother and Spike knew she’d been coaxed not to say anything to him. Her small hands cupped his face to turn him toward her. “Kiss me, Daddy.”

A smile lit up his face as he turned back to his daughter. He kissed her as requested. She was the personification of everything good in him and every moment with Journey only made his life only more valuable. He carried her back into their home while Buffy followed. He headed for the bathroom and listened to Buffy using the kitchen sink while they washed up. Journey kept up a list of everything she’d done so far that morning but he still listened to the sound of his wife putting their lunch together.

Curiosity made him glance into the bag as he passed it on the way to the table. Inside was two wrapped presents and he looked to Buffy in confusion. “Did I miss someone’s birthday or something?”

“Nope, it’s for you,” Buffy said, putting plates out for them. “Later though when little miss is napping.”

It took only a couple of minutes for Journey to be put into her booster seat and for sandwiches to be passed out. It was halfway through their meal that Spike took notice of the curl of fear in his belly. There was something distant in his wife’s attitude and he just knew that whatever was in those packages wasn’t going to make him happy.

~~~~~~~~

Their quiet conversation and hushed laughter floated through the house. Buffy smiled as she listened to Spike putting their baby down for a nap. They always called this their private time. Although Sean now lived away from home at college, the house was still full with their other three children, Del, the dog and various other family members still coming to stay with them. During the afternoon when the children were at school, Del was running errands and Journey was sleeping, they were left with a small window of intimacy they had come to count on.

Buffy stretched out on the bed and waited to hear his footsteps padding up the stairs. Today they came at an almost frantic pace. Her heart caught at his urgency, knowing that the shopping bag was the reason. Everything in their lives and relationship would change once he opened them. Buffy considered getting rid of them quickly as she watched her husband walk to her. It needed to be done though and she loved him enough to see it through. He crawled onto the bed and she opened her arms so he could settle on top of her.

“I love you, Spike,” Buffy whispered, her hands floating over his back. He was so solid; her anchor in a life that constantly changed. She wrapped her legs around his hips as if they were one being “You make me so happy.”

“I love you, too, Buffy,” Spike whispered.

His kiss was so full of need that it made her heart ache knowing that yet again she would be the one to hurt him. The packages they both dreaded were forgotten as they let their bodies lead the way. His hands touched her with gentleness as they floated over her flesh. He unbuttoned her shirt and pushed it aside so he could suckle at her breast. Her fingers clenched in his hair, forcing him against her flesh that ached for his touch. It was a familiar haze covering them. The days of discovery were over but yet each time was a new voyage they had come to yearn for.

Spike kissed his way toward her neck while his fingers stroked her over her shorts. They caressed her soft flesh until she could feel her body flooding in preparation for her husband’s claim. She was always aroused so easily by the merest touch of him. A growl of possession vibrated the softness of her throat as he sucked upon the curve between shoulder and neck. Buffy let her head fall back, hoping he would bite her and give a stronger edge to their bonding.

“Buffy, let’s have another baby,” Spike said, pulling back. His hand cradled her cheek as stared down at her. “Journey’s three and I don’t want to wait too long.”

It was time. He knew that something was happening he just wasn’t sure what and was trying to find another reason to tie him to them. It was always a new excuse to hide behind. Buffy couldn’t let him do it anymore. He needed to leave them while he still loved them. The job offer from Jake of Matrix Returns was the perfect excuse to go. It would give Spike the freedom he needed while doing the one thing he was good at; fighting evil.

Buffy sighed and sat up. She grabbed the bag, putting it between them, knowing that the innocent lies they lived under would forever be shattered. It was the old adage of being cruel to be kind. Spike had denied himself for so long that he’d forgotten how to ask for what he needed. When she had returned from the clinic he’d told her that she’d had time to deal with what had happened, he hadn’t. And to this day he still hadn’t. Their lives had become lost in the daily living of making a family and starting a new business. Spike had never grieved, had never raged, had never let go of what happened during her pregnancy with Journey. It was building inside of him and one day it would explode.

The prophecy dreams she’d had as a teenager had returned with a vengeance after her merging with Drusilla. The vampire’s second sight and her Slayer instincts made for an almost dead on accuracy at the future. A nightmarish future haunted her night after night telling her that she faced a life without her mate beside her. It was never clear but she suspected it was linked back to that terrible time in their lives and the consequences that were never dealt with. Buffy was determined to beat fate at her own game by letting Spike go before he was taken from her.  The distance between them would give him a chance to find the man that he wanted to be for him and hopefully for her. And maybe after he’d faced what was hiding inside of him the threads of time would have been changed and he could return to her.

“Open it,” Buffy said, pushing the bag closer to him. Her eyes filled with tears as her rejection brought a mixture of pain and fear to her husband’s face. She didn’t reach out to him even though it was killing her.

Buffy watched as Spike’s trembling fingers slide the wrapping paper off the smallest present. It was a journal. She’d gotten it for him to take and record what he saw and did. Hopefully, it would bring the writer out in him again. Let him find the poet that still hid inside of him somewhere. He laid it on the bed without question to open the second offering. It was a backpack for him to carry on his journeys. His hands caressed the soft leather as he examined the many pockets it offered. Finally he gave up pretending to like it. A single teardrop fell onto the gift from her husband’s heartbroken eyes.

“What are these for?” Spike asked. His voice was soft around the choked sound of his pain.

“I want you to take the job with Jake.”

“You want me to leave?”

The single question tore Buffy’s heart from her chest. It was the one thing he’d come to fear the most. That the day would come when they’d lose the precious binds between them for good. They’d been shredded before and it had been a horrendous fight to keep their marriage together. The years had brought them closer together than ever before but there was still something between them. Damaged and forgotten. It had been shoved to a distant corner of their lives and never acknowledged. It was the knowledge that there’d been a time when Spike hadn’t loved her. It was something that could tear them asunder because it had been the one constant in their lives for almost fourteen years.

“No,” Buffy said. “I don’t want you to leave but I think it’s time that you took time for you.”

“I don’t need time for me,” Spike said, standing. He gathered the ripped wrapping paper up to throw it away. “My life is here with you and the kids. Besides the business…”

“Will be just fine without you and the kids and me will still be your life no matter where you are.”

“Well, thanks for the presents but I’m not going anywhere.”

Buffy watched as he threw the paper away, gathered the presents up and put them away in the closet. The door was closed with a decisive click indicating as far as Spike was concerned the discussion was finished. It wasn’t.

“Look, Spike, Jake has given you leeway to call the shots anyway you want to. Tell me that the idea of being out there in the middle of the fight doesn’t appeal to you.”

“I’m a family man now and don’t need to be getting myself in the middle of these battles.” Spike sighed and turned toward the stairs. “I’m going to go and clean up the kitchen.”

“Oh, no, this discussion is not over, Buster,” Buffy said, scrambling up to follow him down the stairs. She grabbed the nursery monitor before running down the stairs. “It’s not just the fighting. What about everything else?”

“Like what?”

Spike ran down the main stairs and into the hallway. His stride picked up as he headed for the kitchen.

“Like the fact that you’ve never grieved or dealt with what happened.”

“Dealing and dwelling on it is for Nancy boys like your ex.” Spike said. Apparently he decided that the kitchen was too confining and hurried out the back door. “It’s over. What else is there to say or do?”

“A lot,” Buffy said, jogging to keep up with him. “Can we at least talk about this?”

“No,” Spike said, turning to glance at her over his shoulder as he rounded the corner of the house. “There’s nothing to talk about. I’m needed here and just because you want to get rid of me for some reason…”

“Yeah, I want you to leave so I can have a wild on the table affair with the mailman, so would you mind going away,” Buffy said, bounding around the cars in the driveway to follow him through the front yard. “Or, hey, we could compromise and you could just disappear every day between 11 and 1 so we can do it.”

“Piss off, Buffy,” Spike bit out as climbed the front steps. “You’re starting a fight that I don’t want to have. Drop the subject.”

Spike hesitated briefly in the hallway as if he was trying to decide whether to go upstairs or head through the kitchen again. His slumped shoulders held the weight of the world on them. It had to be settled now before Buffy lost her nerve. If they didn’t finish this discussion she knew she’d never have the strength to do this again. With a sigh she took advantage of his distraction and tackled him. They landed in a heap on their imported Italian rug.

“Get the fuck off me, Slayer,” Spike snarled, rising to his hands and knees.

“Ride ‘em cowboy,” Buffy said, wrapping her arms and legs around him. She kissed the back of his neck and when he lay back down she knew he was giving in. “Hear me out Spike. That’s all I’m asking for. If you don’t want to go then don’t go. I’m just offering you choices.”

Buffy crawled off of him and knelt beside him. Spike refused to look at her as he rolled over and backed up to the wall. She mirrored his pose on the opposite wall.

“Say everything that you want to say so we can finish this,” Spike said, pinning her with a deadly glare.

“I know you,” Buffy said, refusing to back down. “Something died inside of you during…that time and you’ve never been able to revive it.”

“Am I not being good enough of a husband or father for you? Am I not providing enough or working hard enough? Am I not satisfying you?”

“This has nothing to do with the way you handle the business or parenthood, or being my husband,” Buffy paused, searching for the words to make him understand. “There’s a part of you…that is only yours. The poet, the dreamer, he’s gone and it’s like your soul is only going through the motions.”

“Who else thinks I’m not good enough?”

“No one has said anything,” Buffy said. She crawled over and straddled his lap. Her arms looped around his neck. “You’re everything you should be but there’s sadness inside of you that I can’t reach. It’s killing me to see you like this. It’s not weak of you to need time for you.” Her hands cupped his face, turning him to look at her. “You have the right to grieve for her, Spike. It’s not going to hurt me. You loved Drusilla for a hundred years and you’ve never shed a tear for her. You’ve never cried for what we lost and you’ve never released the anger over what happened to me. Or really screamed at me for what I did.” Her hand drifted to cover his chest over his heart. “It’s still there and it’s eating you up inside. You’ve lost the ability to dream or really relax. I love you. I always will and I’m just letting you know that if want to take some time for you that’s its all right. Just think about it, okay?”

Spike nodded and pulled her closer to him. “I’m still not going to go.”

“Fine, don’t go,” Buffy said. “Stay here and end up hating me.” She shrugged. “But we both know you want it and need it.”

“How come you’re so sure I want to go?”

“Because not once have you said I want to stay,” Buffy said, quietly. “It’s I shouldn’t go, I’m not going, but never once have you said, there’s no where else I want to be than where I am right now.”

His eyes closed in resignation as his body went lax beneath her. The world was out there waiting for him and it was only a matter of time before her husband left her. Love would be the only thing that would hold them together in the time to come. Fate had never wanted them together and always fought against them. Buffy pulled Spike to her and prayed that they were stronger than existence itself.

to be continued…

Chapter 2 – You Set Me Free

Can’t you see?

There’s a feeling that’s come over me

Close my eyes

You’re the only one that leaves me completely breathless

No need to wonder why

Sometimes a gift like this you can’t deny

‘Cause I wanted to fly,

so you gave me your wings

And time held its breath so I could see, yeah

And you set me free

You’re in my heart

The only light that shines

There in the dark.

Michelle Branch

In the end it took Spike six weeks to leave.

Every day during that time was a war between his reality and the vague stirrings of his heart begging to be heard. Buffy, his stalwart companion, stood beside him and in front of him as they explained to their family that he was going to work with Jake. The reactions ran the gamut from dismay to anger and some to speculation if they were finally splitting up. To his amazement Raven was the most supportive of them all. She defended his decision as much as Buffy did.

One afternoon he listened to her as she talked to Dawn on the phone. His daughter’s quiet but determined argument for his leaving made him recognize for the first time his grief for the loss of his little girl. Raven had never been the same after the fight with the First. The decisions she had to make, the girls she’d watch die then had to help bury and the final battle in the pits of hell had forever matured her. She was a woman now and he missed the sarcastic bite of the girl.

If it hadn’t been for the love of his wife and eldest daughter Spike would never have gone. He made all the arrangements for his business dealings to be forwarded to Matrix, his will was brought up to date and he spent as much time with his children as possible. Elijah and Journey only knew that Daddy was going away and as far as he knew understood none of the implications. In his opinion, it was better that way.

This night, his final night at home, had been spent in the routine of family. And after the two youngest were asleep he’d packed his bag with clothes, the journal, a camera and some weapons. There had been a quiet talk with Raven and a long emotional phone call to Sean--his son was afraid of losing the only security he had. Their eldest, now in college and living away from home, came back as often as he could to be with the family. Sean still felt the uneasiness of the time when he thought no one cared and it took Spike over an hour to reassure him that his family was always going to be there. And to try and make sure he knew that his father wasn’t leaving Buffy but was going away to find answers to questions he didn’t even know he had.

It was 11:35 PM when he hung up the phone and five minutes later he was fucking his wife. All the previous nights had been filled with tender love making, feather light touches and quiet whispers of devotion. This last night though it was anything but. In the four hours they’d been having sex, they’d both been marked with scratches, bites and bruises. It was as if they thought they could place permanent marks on their partner.

And now at 3:41 AM Spike looked down at Buffy who was lying on the bed below him. He was holding her bottom up while her ankles were locked behind his neck. There was an almost ruthless punishment to the force of his thrusts into her body. Buffy panted and moaned as her hands wrapped around the bar that hung on the wall above their bed.

“What’s the matter, Slayer?” Spike asked, with a grin. “Am I wearing you out?”

“Never,” Buffy said, pulling herself up so that she was suspended in the air. Using her hands she pushed her body into his, met him thrust for thrust, never giving him the advantage.

Spike rocked on his knees when Buffy gained momentum and slammed into him. He spread his legs a little further to keep his balance.

“Can’t keep up vampire,” Buffy taunted, tightening her legs around his ears. “I can go easier on you if you’d like.”

“Quit the crap, pet, and shag me.”

She did. Spike fell forward, catching himself by his hands before landing on top of her as they both fell on the bed again. Buffy was bent almost double but it didn’t stop the motions of her hips as she wiggled against him, drawing his cock deeper within her. His hands covered hers on the bar and concentrated all of his energies on thrusting into his wife over and over. The bed rocked and creaked from their joining which was only growing in speed and force.

“Do you like this?” Buffy asked, her hands grabbing her ankles and spreading herself even further for him. “I’m at your mercy...open for you.” She grunted when he slid completely inside her, bouncing against her cervix. “Break me…fuck me…” She panted into his face as he rested his forehead against hers. “Always your girl…”

She was playing a dangerous game, pushing him to violence and by the time the name ‘Angel’ slid past her lips, Spike was already in game face. He pulled out of her, flipping her onto her stomach. Buffy rose to her knees, meeting him as he thrust easily back into her cunt.

“Bitch,” Spike snarled into her ear. He twisted her hair around his hand, pulling her head back. “Told you before this game isn’t welcome.”

Buffy laughed, pushing him further from his sanity. She rose back onto her knees and leaned back against him, letting her head drop to the side. “So, force me to your will…”

Spike loved the power she gave him. It roared through his blood even as he tore into her neck. Buffy had lost all inhibitions after that time three years ago and there was very little that they hadn’t tried. She could be a sex kitten needing adoration one night and the next she could drive him to his knees in submission. The first time she came to him wearing leather and bearing a paddle he’d laughed. Three minutes later, face down on the floor with the paddle being applied to his ass with full Slayer force, he’d known he’d finally met his match.

Mostly though they shared the ultimate sexual experience called making love. It was really only times like these when their emotions were overwhelming did they push the limits of their games. Spike knew that calling him ‘Angel’ was only a tactic to get him to play rougher. He didn’t disappoint her.

His fangs were as deep into the flesh of her neck as his cock was inside her cunt. Her hands were digging into his ass, forcing him further inside of her. They were both pushing the edge of their pleasure as they merged into one being. His hand slid along the drenched plane of her stomach to slip between her nether lips, pinching her clit. Buffy screamed her pleasure, and he bore her weight as she quaked against him.

“Come on, Baby, squeeze me…” Spike begged. “Milk your Daddy dry.”

They fell face forward on the bed with their asses in the air. Buffy pushed against him, using every muscle she had to bring him to his own orgasm. Spike came deep inside of her, staying until he had nothing left to give. He slipped out of her, slapped her bottom and fell onto his back next to her.

“Ouch, you can be such a pig,” Buffy panted, collapsing onto her side. She rubbed her cheek where he’d hit her. “It hurts.”

“That’s what you get for calling another man’s name in my bed.”

Spike glanced over her. He wasn’t worried and already knew what he would see before his eyes rested on her face. Tenderness and love shone from her eyes as she gazed at him. Her fingers drifted along his cheek before she cupped his face.

“Don’t know what your worried about,” Buffy said, squeezing his chin. “You’re the only one I want or can handle.”

“What about when I’m gone?”

It slipped out. They were both going to have to get used to going without sex again. It was an almost daily occurrence for them and it would be an adjustment not to have that release readily available. But it wasn’t just the physical sensations of coupling that would be missed; it was also an important way for them to communicate and he wondered how, when words failed them, they’d get their meaning across.

Spike watched as she crawled off the bed. With one hand on her hip she leaned against the dresser with the other hand. It was pure tease as she winked at him and tossed her hair back.

“Silly, already told you that I want to have an affair with the mailman.”

“Good god, pet,” Spike exclaimed, laughing at her suggestion. “The man has got to be sixty-five.”

Buffy pouted as she walked to the bathroom. She stopped in the doorway and looked over her shoulder at him. “But I’m used to having an old man in my bed,” she cooed before sashaying away.

“And for that,” Spike called, rolling off the bed and following her. “I think you need to be properly punished.”

He stepped into the bathroom intent on continuing their games. It all changed when he saw Buffy. She had just finished adjusting the water spray for the shower and was straightening up. Steam billowed around her giving her the illusion of stepping out of the mist. She was his Aphrodite, tempting him with the allure of her beauty. He watched her eyes fill with tears as she opened her arms to him.

“Make love to me this time,” Buffy asked, choking over her request. “I need you so much.”

Spike rushed to her. His arms wrapped around her, holding her, scooping her up until her back was against the tiled wall. This time there was no games, only their love as they revealed their hearts to each other. The water was icy cold by the time they forced themselves to pull apart and leave the bathroom. They dried each other off and fell asleep holding on to one another. Tight in her embrace, he dreamt of riding the open roads on his motorcycle with Buffy behind him.

~~~~~~~~~

The morning sun peeking over the horizon was the only thing lending any brightness to the gathering in front of the Blood’s house. Spike was finishing strapping his pack to the bike while his wife, eldest daughter, and housekeeper kept vigil. All his other good-byes had been said the night before and these women were the last to bid him farewell as was par for the course. In the last few years they had become his strongest supporters and the ones that managed his life for him. A part of him quaked at the thought of being on his own again without their guidance but he understood that it needed to be done.

A final tug to make sure everything was secure and it was time. Spike sighed and slowly turned toward the women. He held his arms out and Del was the first to come to him.

“You be careful, Spike,” Del said. “I’ll take care of them for you.”

“I know you will,” Spike replied, hugging her tighter. He kissed her temple before releasing her. “Call me if you think I’m needed.” He looked over her head to his wife. “Buffy will try to handle everything herself but…”

“I promise, sir,” Del said, starting to cry. She hugged him quickly, waved her arms and turned toward the house.

Raven came to him with a smile that showed her peaceful reconciliation to him leaving. It gave Spike the small extra boost of confidence he needed to see this through. It surprised him when her hands cupped his face. Her thumbs brushed against his cheeks as if she was wiping away the tears that rolled down hers.

“Always remember we love you,” Raven told him solemnly. “And nothing is as it seems…so always hold onto what you know is the truth.”

He wasn’t sure what to make of her cryptic words but knew if she wanted him to know everything she’d tell him. So, for now he would take her words to heart, confidant that when the time came, he’d know exactly what she meant.

“I know and I will,” Spike reassured her. “Call me even if you just want to talk, all right?”

Raven’s nose wrinkled up and she giggled. “Sure, I’ll call you when I need a decision on which nail polish to buy.”

“Just don’t forget me,” Spike said softly. It was so hard to leave them and still couldn’t believe he had agreed to this ludicrous plan.

“Oh, Daddy, don’t ever think we would.”

Her arms, sure and strong, wrapped around him as she burrowed her face into his shoulder. Spike pulled her closer, brushing his hand down the long red curls that fell along her back. This was the little girl who still needed the security that only her father could give her and he murmured his love to her. Raven nodded, rose on her toes, kissed the corner of his mouth and before he had a chance to say anything further she was gone.

“I guess that leaves us,” Buffy murmured, taking her turn to stand in front of him.

Spike stared down at the woman who had shared his life and bed for years now and had taken his heart long before that. The sadness that filled the emerald depths of her eyes tore at him. He wanted to scream why. Why would she send him away? But he knew there would be no answer. No other explanation then what he’d been given. Trust was all he could do. Buffy and Raven both saw this as needed and he would honor that.

“It always comes back to us,” Spike said. His hand rested on the curve of her waist just above the hips that flared so temptingly. “Didn’t Max once say that everything else is built upon our relationship?”

“The butterfly effect,” Buffy said. “One phone call so many years ago has blossomed into this.” She grinned as her hand waved behind her.

“And this,” Spike asked. “Is my leaving going to change destiny?”

“Everything does,” Buffy said, shaking her head. “Go, husband, find what you need to find and come back to me.”

Come back to me.

Words that were spoken by countless lovers since the beginning of time but for Spike it was one time and one place that those words were remembered. His mind whirled as the memory over took him.

~~~~~~~~

December 21, 1916 New York City

Despite the holiday bustle and cheer the city was still cloaked in gloom. The war had changed everything and everyone with the deaths that had touched so many families. Humans were trying so hard to be happy even with the ever increasing disappearance of their men. Women left behind to fend for themselves and families while their husbands and boyfriends laid down their lives for the good ole U.S.A.

It was only a few days before Christmas and everyone was caught up in the busyness of shopping and being happy. “Silly creatures,” Spike remembered thinking. Why didn’t anyone look twice at the apparently healthy young man that was beside them or following them? Didn’t they wonder why he moved among them instead of being sent off to die in a place where he couldn’t even speak the language?

No wonder it had been so easy to take what he wanted. He took a final swallow of his meal before dropping the boy onto the ground. His blood, hot and rich, had felt so good filling his stomach when it was so bitterly cold around him. He looked down to make sure everything was in place, wrapped his coat tighter around him before taking a final look at the young soldier at his feet. His prey had been one of the boys filling the train to take them off to basic training. The boy had been alone, no girlfriend or family seeing him off, and had been eager to make a friend. A few casual comments and it had been so easy. He hadn’t even fought back when the vampire struck.

Spike sighed, bored with it all, there wasn’t any challenge in taking someone eager to die. He stepped back onto the platform trying to decide what to do now. Drusilla had gone off to play with some vampires who liked to do the society scene. It reminded him too much of being with Angelus and that had been enough to turn him off of it. Instead, he sent his dark princess off to play while he remained.

His stomach full, he figured maybe he would head back to their hotel room and wait for her, but then he saw her. She was beautiful, one of the most exquisite creatures he’d ever seen. Her hair was a rich auburn that gleamed in the lights with porcelain skin that he ached to touch. He eased closer to where she was saying good-bye to her boyfriend? Lover? Husband? There were tears on both sides as he promised to come back to her. He watched as the man wiped her tears and kissed her sweetly and it was in that passionless kiss that Spike knew she had never been taken.

His cock stirred at the sight of the virgin beauty and knew he had to have her. A little patience was all it was going to take. He waited through their final goodbyes, her frantic hand waving as the train pulled away and waited while she wept with a few other women. Finally she moved to leave and he followed staying in the shadows, inhaling her perfume that wafted on the icy wind back to him. It stirred his desire even further. So, lost in her misery she didn’t notice him even up three flights of stairs to her apartment. Didn’t notice him until his hand covered hers as she went to unlock the apartment door. Her eyes had been huge as she backed away from him. Her voice desperate in the soft pleas to allow her to live not knowing it wasn’t her life he wanted.

“What are you willing to give to live?” Spike asked, backing her into the wall and leaning his body into hers. His fingertips grazed her skin that was even softer than he had imagined. She trembled under his touch, staring at him in repulsion and fascination.

“Anything, sir, my mother, she is asleep in the back bedroom. She depends on me to take care of her.”

“A little saint, aren’t you? Takes care of her mother, saves herself for marriage, probably work your little fingers to the bone to pay the bills, don’t you?”

“I do what I have to,” she’d replied.

“And do you ever do what you want?” Spike asked, rubbing his growing erection against her belly.

“Please, sir, I promised Jimmy that I would wait for him…”

“Wouldn’t Jimmy rather have you alive?”

Spike knew he had won when she invited him in. The first time he took her, she had cried, not letting him please her. By the next afternoon she was coming awake in his arms, allowing his seductive charm to win her over. Spike considered vamping her but, in the end decided to just enjoy her then set her free. He had gone out the next night to feed, leaving the woman to take care of her mother’s needs, but soon found himself hurrying back. She was an amusement that he didn’t often indulge in but his smile faded when he came through the front door and found Drusilla waiting for him.

“I’m bored here,” Drusilla told him. She licked her fingers. “There’s a train leaving for Hollywood at midnight. Let’s be on it.”

There was no one for Jimmy to come home to anymore and until now…

~~~~~~~

Spike hadn’t thought of that day again. He shook his head to dispel the unrest that it brought him.

“Don’t,” Buffy said, cupping his cheek with her hand. “We’ll be here when you come home.”

Of course she would know. Every memory he had and a lot of Drusilla’s, Buffy carried inside of her. He wrapped her tightly in his arms, wishing that things were different while he kissed her. He poured every bit of love he had into it before turning away without another word.

There wasn’t anything left to say. The words had all been spoken before, all the sentiments and tears shared, and now it was time for him to open the next chapter of his life. He never turned around to watch Buffy wave him good-bye.

to be continued…

Chapter 5 – Viva Las Vegas

I’m gonna keep on the run

I’m gonna have me some fun

If it costs me my very last dime

If I wind up broke up well

I’ll always remember that I had a swingin’ time

I’m gonna give it everything I’ve got

Lady Luck please let the dice stay hot

Let me shout a seven with every shot

Viva Las Vegas

Elvis Presley

It all faded away as Spike concentrated everything he had into the seduction. His stroke along the smooth arm was feather light. His voice was a low growl as he tried to coax her into giving him what he wanted.

“Come on, baby, be good for Daddy,” Spike yanked the arm down and waited. The numbers rolled madly, and then stopped one by one. It wasn’t a win and he sighed in frustration as he continued to stare at the slot machine. No matter how hard he tried he just wasn’t winning tonight. Maybe it was because his lucky charm wasn’t there. He shrugged and slid another token into the machine. This time a few tokens were offered up to him but he suspected it was just a pity win.

“Your drink, sir,” a young blonde waitress said behind him.

Spike reached over absently and took the glass from the tray. He threw a bill on her tray as extra because he knew his tab was being taken care of. It should be. Aurelius Enterprises owned a large share of the casino and the remaining share of it belonged to Lorne. It was a partnership that served them well. There was a good feeling in helping your friends achieve their dreams. Xander had Harris Construction, The Magic Box was now a chain which Anya ran and Tara’s school was in a new home with more classes and teachers. No one was handed anything. They all worked hard to keep it all running while maintaining their friendships and families plus trying to keep the world free from evil.

The waitress smiled and thanked him before scurrying away. He gulped the whiskey down then set the glass on top of his chosen source of frustration. A few tokens later and he was ready to give up trying to win. He shrugged, rolled his head and looked around for his friends. They weren’t in sight and he took off to find them. He figured Angel was with Lorne somewhere, probably talking money, and Max and Wesley were off playing their game of choice.

Deciding to find Angel first, Spike headed back toward the offices. It was a labyrinth once he got into the employee only section of the casino. People were hurrying about as they performed the necessary tasks to keep the place running. A few he knew and they nodded to him but most were strangers. A few more people he didn’t know, probably would never know but had almost certainly saved their lives in one of the battles he had fought.

Curiosity made him look again as he passed the waitress that had served him downstairs. He wondered who she really was, if she was in love or alone, did she believe in heaven and hell, or demons. What were her dreams? Did she like what she did for a living or was this just a stepping stone to something else? She smiled at him as they passed. No interest in her grey eyes just a friendly return to his open stare.

“Hi,” Spike said, turning around to look at her again. She turned slightly, still smiling and waited. He glanced at her tag to find out what her name was. “Lisa, I’m sorry. I just wanted to say…well, I mean…thanks for getting the drink for me.”

“Its okay, Mr. Blood, just doing my job.”

“Do you like doing your job?”

Spike was really beginning to wonder what the hell he was doing. The trace of fear that filtered in her eyes made him go back over his words. “No, don’t. I guess I was just finding out if you liked it or whatever…” He sighed.

She giggled.

“Yeah, I like my job,” Lisa said. “Mr. Lorne is totally cool to work for. They schedule my hours around my classes.”

“You in college?”

“Yeah, I am. I’m taking hotel management courses.”

“Does Lorne know? He’d probably help you out some.”

Okay, now he knew he was in over his head. Lorne would probably chop his head off for this and a few other vital things that Buffy would miss.

“No,” Lisa answered. “I don’t ever talk to Mr. Lorne directly but my supervisor knows.”

“Are they giving you any direction or anything?”

Lisa shrugged. “Not overly but its cool. I’m just happy to be working here.” She glanced down at her watch. “I need to get going. My break is over with.”

Spike nodded, watched her as she walked down the hallway then turned to go into Lorne’s office. It was as he figured. Angel was sitting with his feet up on Lorne’s desk while the two friends talked. He didn’t interrupt but headed to the marble and steel bar in the corner to pour a drink. His earlier buzz was fading and he decided he wanted it back. There was a lull in the conversation as Spike made himself comfortable in the chair next to his grand-sire.

“Do we have some kind of in-house training program?” Spike asked.

Lorne did a double take and stared at him for a second. “Yes, but why do you ask?”

“One of your servers is in college for hotel management but she doesn’t seem to be getting any encouragement on our end.”

“Who?” Lorne asked.

“Lisa, she’s working down on the floor.”

Lorne turned and directed a remote toward the wall of monitors behind him. He flipped one channel until the screen was on the casino floor. A couple more camera switches and they located Lisa serving drinks to an older couple.

“She’s a sweet girl,” Spike said.

“Yeah, I just bet that’s what you noticed about her,” Angel snickered, surveying the pretty blonde.

“It’s not that,” Spike said, defensively. He almost felt like blushing under his grand-sire’s gaze. “I was just trying to take an interest in the people around me. That’s all.”

Angel didn’t say anything else to Spike’s relief. He still wasn’t sure why he had taken the time to talk to the girl. It was just part of the changes he was going through. Buffy had said that he had shut down in so many ways, living by rote instead of enthusiasm. He considered himself boring. The trip to Vegas hadn’t proved anything in regards to making him more interesting but he figured it wasn’t a complete bust if he could help someone. Maybe by taking an interest in the people and things around him, he might find what he was looking for.

“Look, I’ll talk to her supervisor and see what the cupcake’s interests are,” Lorne said, jotting down a note. “Will that take care of it for you?”

“Yeah,” Spike said. “I’d appreciate it.”

“You about ready to go?” Angel asked as he stood and looked down at him. “I don’t like being gone from Cordelia too long.”

“Sure, let’s go,” Spike said, offering an understanding smile. “I think it’s time.”

It was time to go. He hadn’t found what he was looking for. It wasn’t the same anymore. He wasn’t a demon, he wasn’t single, and he couldn’t just take what he wanted. Sometimes he felt he was asleep inside. He sighed as they made their way through the casino to find Max and Wesley. Their friends were easy to pry from the tables since they’d come along to keep him company. Probably to keep an eye on him, too, to make sure he didn’t go off and do something he shouldn’t. It made him wonder if anyone was ever going to fully trust him not to hurt Buffy again.

~~~~~~~~

Spike sat in the backseat of the convertible with Max. Angel was driving with Wesley in the passenger seat. The others were making idle conversation that he only half listened to. His eyes were fixed on the desert terrain they were passing through but his mind was reliving another time. Memories of almost a year and a half ago when Buffy and he were traveling along this same stretch of highway...

It was that calm, the lull, before the next major attack of evil disrupted their lives. Aurelius Enterprises had just acquired The Lucky Ace hotel and casino into their stable of businesses. Since Buffy had never been to Sin City, Spike took the opportunity for them to get away together. He had even borrowed a Porsche Boxster from the Wolfram & Hart garage so they would feel a little freer. And, yeah, to impress the girl.

Buffy’s enthusiasm for going somewhere new had even pulled him from his blasé attitude of returning to a place he’d been several times. They had a spectacular view of the Strip from their penthouse suite which had left his wife in awe. Because of Slayer duties, she had never gotten the opportunity to see new places and he could remember laughing along with her as she absorbed every detail.

Even the fruit basket left for them had Buffy excited. Squealing she had sat in the middle of the bed and pulled it apart to see what was in it.

“What’s this?” Buffy asked, holding up a passion fruit.

He had told her what it was. He looked away but turned back to her when she burst out in a fit of giggles. Bright red juice was running down her chin, dripping down onto her chest to disappear into the valley between her breasts. She didn’t even wipe it off. Knowing what it was doing to him, she took another bite deliberately letting the sticky substance dribble onto her. Unable to control his overwhelming need for her, he pushed her down onto the white comforter, licking the sweetness from her flesh and pulling the small, pink, summer dress from her body. For a long time Buffy was splayed naked before him, covered in fruit. He wasn’t satisfied until he had tasted them all mixed with her own musky flavor. Never before and not since then, had it been as innocently playful; lying with the sun shining over their raw need for each other and the laughter they shared.

Hours later they walked hand in hand through the casino. She was sultry ingenuousness beside him. Her hair, red at the time, swayed loosely just above her shoulders. The white dress with spaghetti straps that she wore clung to every tanned, muscular curve. Her nipples pebbled from the friction between her bare breasts and the material of her dress cast a dusky shadow under her bodice. It left him the envy of every man they passed as they stared hungrily at a woman they could never dream of possessing. Buffy never noticed the attention leaving him once again amazed that this beauty chose him.

She was vibrating with unconcealed excitement as she glanced over the tables but then her eyes lit up when she saw the slot machines.

“Spike, show me how to play, please,” Buffy pleaded, bouncing as she turned her grinning face up to him.

Indulging her, he placed her between him and the machine. He handed her a token, explaining her chances and what she needed to win. The first few were a bust that caused her to pout. She turned and gave him the token.

“You do it,” Buffy said. “I’m not any good.”

He didn’t take the time to explain it had nothing to do with skill. It was an excuse to wrap his arm around her and pull her back against him. She was quivering, her hands clasped in prayer mode, as he inserted the token. He went to pull the arm down and she pressed her bottom into his groin. They won. Not a lot but a few more tokens to keep them going. They ended up winning almost $5,000 dollars over the night. Later in the Jacuzzi tub in their suite, Buffy insisted her ass was his lucky charm. He hadn’t argued.

~~~~~~~

“Did you have fun?” Wesley asked, looking over his shoulder.

“Not really,” Spike said, shifting in the seat and pulling his jeans down some. The memories of their time together made his cock throb in need for his wife. “Hey, Angel, can we stop by Sunnydale?”

“Why?” Max asked.

“So, I can get laid,” Spike said, grinning. When the other man rolled his eyes, Spike punched him in the shoulder. “You shouldn’t object. Faith is there.”

“Yeah, like that would do me any good,” Max said. “She’s being all…virginal with me. No Max, don’t do that Max, wait a little longer, Max.”

“Maybe you don’t turn her on,” Angel said, casually. “You’ve been sniffing at her heels for almost a year with no results. I’d give it up if I was you.”

“Hey, not to change the subject but I need sex,” Spike said again.

“How long has it been?” Wesley asked dryly as he shifted in his seat to look back at Spike.

“Almost twenty-four hours,” Spike said, leaning forward. “Come on. It won’t take me long.”

“I’m sure Buffy will be thrilled for you to come home for that,” Max said.

“She won’t care,” Spike insisted, looking over at Max in mock innocence. “She’s probably itchy too.”

“You really shouldn’t talk about her like that,” Angel said.

“Oh, and when did you become Mr. know it all when it comes to the women,” Max said, sarcastically. He turned to look out the window, dismissing everyone with his actions.

Spike sighed and slumped back in the seat accepting that he wasn’t going to get home that night. He glanced between his grand-sire and his friend as the tension became noticeable between them. The subject of Faith was just one more disagreement between the two men who had never really made peace. Their relationship had gotten only more difficult with the arrival of the brunette Slayer in their midst again. Angel was protective of her while Max pursued her. Faith didn’t make it any easier as she seemingly played them against each other. Sometimes Spike wondered if Faith was just keeping Max around for the attention until she could lay claim to Angel after Cordelia’s death. He hoped it wasn’t so for all their sakes because it would cause a rift that he didn’t think could ever be mended.

~~~~~~~

After stripping off everything but his pants, Spike made his way out to sit on the balcony. He reclined back into a chair and dialed the number for home.

“Hewo,” Journey whispered into the phone.

“Joy, its Daddy. Where’s your mother?”

Spike glanced down at his watch but he already knew how late it was. They had returned from Las Vegas less than an hour ago.

“Uh-oh, she’s coming,” Journey said, letting out a little squeak. The sound of her running reached him. It sounded like she was still in sneakers as she pounded along the floor.

“Cut her off, Faith,” Buffy’s voice came through to him. “She’s heading for the kitchen.”

“No, no,” Journey screeched and Spike assumed she’d been caught. “Let me go. I want to talk to Daddy.”

“Journey,” Spike said loudly, hoping to break through before she reached full tantrum mode. “Listen to me.”

“Faith got me,” Joy cried. “Mummy mad at me.”

“Why are you still up?”

“Playing.”

“Journey Aurelia Blood,” Spike said sternly.

“Sir?”

“Have you had a bath yet?”

“Need ‘nother one,” Journey said. “Mummy says I’m icky.”

“Okay, go with Faith, take a bath then go to bed.”

She sniffled. “I wanna play with girls.”

“Where are they?”

“Patrolling. Looking for bad, bad vampires, grrrr, stake ‘em, dust ‘em, poof, all gone,” Journey explained and Spike could almost see the motions of her hands as she mimicked dusting a vampire.

“Well, I’ll tell you what,” Spike said, smiling. “You behave for Mummy and Aunt Faith and I don’t care what you do when Raven and the girls get back.”

“Yay, love you,” Journey crowed. “Aunt Faith, I ready for bath now.”

“’Bout damn time,” he could hear Faith mutter as he told his daughter that he loved her, too.

“Hello, Spike,” Buffy answered, once the phone was passed to her.

“Hi, pet, what happened?”

“Four girls with four different flavors of ice cream, all of which your youngest daughter had to sample. She hasn’t come back down yet.”

The exhaustion was evident in her voice. It was supposed to be a girl’s night. Buffy had been looking forward to spending some time with just Faith. He suddenly felt guilty that he was away without any of the responsibilities that Buffy was dealing with. The memory of their time in Vegas only reminded him that he hadn’t taken her away in quite awhile.

“How’s Eli?”

“He was still awake the last time I checked on him,” Buffy said. “But he’s upstairs in bed watching one of the Lord of the Rings movie.”

“Well, that’s good,” Spike said. “How is everything else going?”

“Pretty good,” Buffy said. “I miss you.” She laughed. “I never realized how many things you do around here. Elijah decided to help me out by taking the garbage out. So, off he went with two bags in tow. I followed him out to make sure he was okay. He had them over his shoulder and, oh my God, he was floating them so he didn’t have to bear their weight. ”

“That’s my boy,” Spike said with a trace of laughter. “I’m glad that he’s pitching in.”

“Oh, they all are. We’re muddling through.”

“I know you are,” Spike said, hating that they had to do it without him and upset because they could.

“What did you do tonight?”

“Uh…the guys and I went to Vegas,” Spike said, embarrassed. “I didn’t win crap because your ass wasn’t with me.”

Buffy giggled and it sounded like music to him.

“You should have known you couldn’t do it without me.”

“It made me think of when we were there.”

“It was a good time,” Buffy agreed.

“You excite me,” Spike said, his voice dropping to a husky whisper.

“William, it’s not…”

“Forget it,” Spike said, sighing. “It wasn’t what I meant. I was thinking of the fun we had and just wanted to let you know.”

“Thank you,” Buffy said softly. He could hear her love for him in the tenderness of her voice. “I’m sorry for immediately jumping the gun.”

It was his turn to laugh. “Don’t be. I tried to get Angel to make a run to Sunnydale so I could get laid.”

“Oh, yeah, you would have taken one look at me and run back to the car.”

“Did you shave your head this time?” Spike growled.

“God, no,” Buffy said, laughing. “Hair’s still the same. It’s twisted up in a clip at the moment. My clothes are stained with dinner and ice cream. No make up and I broke a nail today.”

“And you’re still the most beautiful woman alive.”

“You are horny, aren’t you?”

They both laughed. It was the old games of give and take of compliments to reassure themselves and each other that it was still there between them.

“Buffy, I want to take you away again,” Spike said, returning to his earlier guilt. “Do you want to take a cruise? Or maybe we can go to Mexico?”

“You know what I’d like,” Buffy said. Her statement was hesitant as if she was unsure if he would approve of her request.

“What, baby?”

“I’d like to wait until autumn to go anywhere. Rent a place in the northeast. Take Elijah and Journey, and Raven and Sean if they can go. Do nothing but have some quiet time, watch the leaves change. Go horseback riding in the mountains. Maybe you could show me around New York for a weekend and we could take in a Broadway play. We could even go up to Bangor, Maine and see if we run into Stephen King,” she added, hoping to entice him with the chance of meeting an author he admired.

“We’d have to hire a nanny,” Spike said, going automatically to the practical side of the situation. It was his job in the family to make sure everything was taken care of. His mind started to chronicle all the things that would make the trip difficult and upset their routines.

“Don’t worry about it,” Buffy said her disappointment evident. “We’ll figure something else out.”

Spike could have kicked himself for doing that to her and pushed aside his misgivings. “Start deciding what you want to do. The next time I’m home we’ll start on the arrangements. I’m sure that somewhere in the hordes of Slayers we can find someone to help us with the kids while we’re gone. Okay?”

“Really?”

There was an awed quality to her question and he smiled. He could see her eyes dancing as she accepted that he was going to give her this. The tremor of her body as she started thinking of things they’d do.

“Yeah, baby, really.”

It was so easy to please her. He questioned why he didn’t do things more often to make her happy. Just so he could watch her face light up in delight. She did excite him. He could feel it fluttering around inside of him and wished he was there with…

The girl.

The woman.

That was his.

Puisse-t-elle rester encore longtemps parmi nous.

Elle qui est sa raison d’etre.

to be continued…

Author’s Note: Thank you to Geraldine for doing the translations for me. The first phrase means (I hope I didn’t goof) may she stay among us for a long time and the second is she who is his reason for living. Thank you for your help, Geraldine.