Cry

Title: Baby Did A Bad Thing

Author: Mrs Muir

Rating: NC-17

Disclaimer: All things BtVS belong to Joss Whedon, UPN or Fox. All song lyrics belong to their owners.


Chapter 32 - Cry


If I had just one tear running down your cheek
Maybe I could cope maybe I’d get some sleep
If I had just one moment at your expense
Maybe all my misery would be well spent
Could you cry just a little
Lie just a little
Pretend you’re feeling a little more pain
I gave now I’m wanting
Something in return
So cry just a little for me
Give it up baby
A whimper would be fine
Some kind of clue that
You’re doing time
Honey give it a try
I don’t want pity
I just want what is mine
Faith Hill

It was early on a Sunday afternoon in the middle of August. Xander and I were pulling out counters and cabinets in the kitchen. The whole room was going be gutted and redone. Dawn was supposed to be helping us out by handing us tools. By this time she knew the technical and nickname for every tool we were using. We joked sometimes that by the time the house was complete Dawn could get job in construction. But this particular afternoon she was late. Or not showing. Or something.

We were prying off a long set of cabinets from one wall when I heard her call out to us as she finally came through the front door. This set was being a bitch about coming off and my mood was getting worse as the day was getting later.

“About damn time, Dawn.” I hollered out to her as she made her way to us. When she appeared in the door way dressed in a skirt and blouse I about lost it.

“What’s going on? I thought you were going to help us.” Her face fell as I snapped at her. It’s not that I meant to hurt her but everything was setting me off these days. And I hadn’t found a way to relieve it. Or make it go away.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t think you’d mind. Buffy is going to take me shopping for school clothes.” She explained looking at me like I had taken away her last teddy bear or something.

“Its okay, Dawn. We just got used to you helping us that’s all. We depend on you.” Xander tried to soften the mood a little. He gave me a warning look to back off and leave her alone. It wasn’t her fault that my life was shit at the moment.

“Sorry, Dawn. Xander’s right. It’s just that you’re my tool girl.” I smiled at her hoping she would accept my apology. Her face brightened a little as she looked at me.

“It’s okay. I should have called. But I came over to tell you. And Buffy is picking me up here.” She gave me a hopeful look. Anything to get Buffy and me in the same place at the same time and maybe something would happen to get us back together.

“So, are you guys going to come tomorrow night?” Her question took us off guard.

We looked at each other than back at her. Both of us were clueless. Neither one of us knew anything about something planned for the next night.

“What thing tomorrow?” I asked her as I started to yank at the cabinet trying to get the last support undone from the wall. It did not want to budge as I leaned back and pulled using my weight as leverage.

“The celebration dinner Giles said I could have. The adoption becomes final tomorrow. We go to court and it will become official.” The light was back in her eyes and she was clearly excited about becoming Dawn Summers Giles.

“And this is a celebration because…?” The idea still bothered me. That Buffy and Dawn would be separated in the eyes of the law. Thinking about it got me even more pissed off and I pushed my foot against the wall giving another pull on the cabinets with a grunt. They came down. As they let loose of the wall I lost my balance and my grip on them. I jerked myself back up and tried to grab onto them. Unfortunately, Xander wasn’t ready for my stunt and was scrambling to hold them up. But they were going down. Right toward Dawn.

“Dawn, move it.” I screamed at her as they continued to fall. Suddenly Buffy ran in and reached for them in the middle. She pushed them against the wall holding them up until Xander and I could get a grip on the ends. After we were holding them again the three of us lowered them to the ground.

“What the hell are you two doing? Trying to kill my sister?” Buffy yelled at Xander and me. She had her hands fisted and resting on her hips. She had to have known it was an accident and that we would never intentionally hurt Dawn. Something else had to have been bothering her because she looked about as emotionally strung as I did.

“What’s wrong, Buffy?” Her gaze swung back to me with fire in her eyes.

“Nothing is wrong. Except that I thought you guys were keeping her safe.” She had included Xander in her comment but the venomous look was directed at me. This whole thing was going to get pinned on me.

“Buffy, it was an accident.” Dawn interrupted us. “I was inviting them to dinner tomorrow night and distracted them.” She looked over at me like I owed her one. Which I did. Just what Buffy needed was another excuse to push me aside.

“It will be good for all of us to be together. In a happy way.” Xander said helping Dawn in keeping Buffy distracted from her tirade at me.

Buffy looked at the two of us. Her shoulders slumped down as some of the anger eased from her.

“Sorry. It just scared me that’s all.” That was all the apology that she gave. With a brief glance my way she turned to Dawn. “About tomorrow night, umm, I invited Richard.”

Dawn’s eyes opened wide looking from her sister to me. I saw the disappointment in their depths. She didn’t want him there. She was angling on that Buffy and me thing.

By this time I was tired of everything. The pain. The waiting.

“And why did you do that?” My words carried the weight of my emotions. Buffy looked at me in defiance.

“Because he is part of my life. And should be included with us.” She said carefully making sure that I understood her meaning. If you care about me then you’ll accept him.

I walked over to stand in front of her. If she couldn’t see anything but me then she had to be paying attention to me.

“Tell me why we should accept him in our lives when you haven’t even done it?” I asked her trying to make eye contact with her.

“What do you mean? He is a part of my life.” She told me haltingly. Her words stumbled over the lie she was telling.

“No, he is not. You don’t even like him.”

“Of course I like him. I’ve been dating him for two months.” She was getting that stubborn look in her eyes.

I laughed at her. If she was so crazy about him then why did she jump my ass in the cemetery that night? And why was she afraid of being alone with me? If he was so wonderful why wasn’t she shagging the hell out of him? I leaned forward so that I could whisper in her ear.

“You like him. Xander likes him. But that doesn’t mean either one of you want to go to bed with him. Right, Buffy?”

She started to blush as she realized that I knew she hadn’t slept with him. I knew I was smirking at her when she pulled away from me.

“How the hell would you know? And anyway it’s none of your business.” She was getting flustered as I reached a hand up and trailed her cheek with my finger. Leaving a trail of dust along it. She batted my hand away and wiped at her face.

I laughed softly at her discomfort. Enjoying the knowledge that with just one touch I could make her want me. Make her wet.

“That’s why it is my business. Because you still want me.”

The world had fallen down to the two of us as she looked up at me. Her emotions displayed in the depths of her green eyes. Anger. Desire. Love. And fear. The last one confused me. There was no reason to fear me. The worst that we could do to each had already been done. Except for actual murder which neither one of us was capable of doing.

“I never denied it.” Her words broke through my reverie. I blinked to regain my focus on her face that was so close to mine. Her lips just inches from mine. I leaned forward wanting just one taste from those lips that had brought me so much pleasure. Such a short time ago but yet forever ago. She pushed me back away from her.

“No.”

That one word sliced through me like a knife through my soul.

“Damn it, Buffy. Why do you keep torturing me? I can see it in your eyes. I can smell it. But you keep running from it. Do you enjoy me in pain? Is that how you get off anymore?” My emotions had been kept under control for so long I could feel them pushing to break free. But I couldn’t let them. I knew what could happen between us when things got out of control.

“Oh, you’re in so much pain. What about the girl you had here? You replaced me pretty quickly.”

“You jealous? Forgive me I forgot. It’s not that I might have been with someone else. It’s that I didn’t invite you to join in. Wasn’t that one of your fantasies?” As soon as the words were out of my mouth I knew they were a mistake. One of those times you wished you could take things back. But it was too late. There was a big crack in the wall holding back my rage.

I heard Dawn gasp somewhere behind me as the fog of my emotions started to clear. The guilt ripped through me for deliberately trying to humiliate her. Xander took a few steps toward me. Figured that I was going to get my ass beat. Probably deserved it at this point.

Buffy stood there shaking as we kept our gazes locked. She was jealous of me moving on without her. And instead of taking the crumb of hope offered I had turned it around and dashed it. As she brought her hand up to slap me. I knew that if I had handled it differently I might have been able to take a step closer to what I wanted. Back to her.

I grabbed her hand before it made contact.

“No more. Buffy. I will not be your whipping boy anymore.”

The words stunned both of us with its accuracy. In that moment we both knew that it was true. The realization burned through me like lightening. And my world was more focused than it had been in a long time. It wasn’t a matter any longer of the vampire waiting for a chance with the object of his crush. Or a man continually denied his one desire. Time had changed us. Had changed me. I had a life developing around me. A house. The people that had only tolerated me before were now becoming my friends. I had made friends of my own and somewhere out there was a human woman that was interested in me. If Buffy ever came back to me it would be on even ground. No longer a favor that I had to be grateful for. After all this time we were equals.

It hit me. That was the fear in her eyes. She was worried that she wasn’t good enough for me anymore. That I had moved beyond her and I wouldn’t be waiting for her anymore.

She pulled her arm from my hand. And started to back up.

“Buffy.”

She ignored my attempt at contact. An attempt to establish that we were still connected. That somewhere and sometime that we would be together again.

“Dawn, its time to go.”

Without waiting for her Buffy turned to leave. Dawn brushed past me only looking at me briefly with eyes filled with hurt and anger. As Buffy crossed through the front door she looked back at me for a moment. I waited for her to say or do something. But she didn’t. She was gone.

I stood there in my confusion and pain. Xander cleared his throat. Great. It was time for the ass kicking.

“Let’s get this done. I told Anya I would be over to her place in time for dinner.”

He surprised me. The incident between Buffy and me wasn’t mentioned. We went back to work and managed to get all the cabinets out that afternoon. It felt good as we looked around the empty room. Now it would be time to start putting in the new ones. But later. Once we were done Xander didn’t stick around long. He had Anya waiting for him. Lucky guy. Things hadn’t been easy for them but at least they were working on it.

I wish I could say the same for Buffy and me. As time went on the space between us kept getting wider. And she just didn’t seem to care as much. Yeah, she still wanted me. But then she had always wanted me. But it seemed that she was moving on with her life. Maybe I should just back off and leave her alone. Let her have her chance with Richard.

After I took a shower I threw myself onto my bed and turned the TV on. Hoping to get lost in the oblivion of mindless entertainment. But as an old movie played my mind kept wandering to Buffy. Of her being there with me. I remembered back to the days when I had that mannequin that I would talk to as if she was there. And the Buffybot that I had Warren create. But nothing could compare to the real thing that I had held for such a short time. Nothing ever would again. My loneliness was getting harder to bear each day. Who was I kidding? The hell with this Richard guy. I wanted her back. On any terms.

Finally, I feel asleep holding the pillow wishing it was her. The next thing I knew the phone was ringing. It’s incessant playing of some ridiculous tune Dawn had chosen kept pushing through my sleep. My hand reached out searching for it. When I found it I pulled it my ear.

“What?” I barked out. I had been lost in a dreamless world without her in it. That’s where I wanted to stay.

The sound of crying came through the phone. Then a voice filled with pain came through to me.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have called you.”

Then silence as the caller hung up. It had been Buffy. I squinted at the faceplate to see what time it was. Two AM. I tried calling her back. But only got her voice mail. As I pulled on some clothes I kept trying to call her. Still no answer. I broke every speed limit law there was while I drove to her apartment. Bringing the bike to a screeching stop at her front door. The door was locked and there was no answer to my knock. I walked around to the patio. The sliding glass door’s lock was easily broken when I pulled back on it.

Only silence greeted me when I entered the apartment. No crying. No voices. No movement. But the smell of blood came to me. Strong and fresh. Fuck. Buffy had been hurt. I ran down the hall looking in the bathroom but she wasn’t there. Her bedroom was next at the end of the hall. I stopped in the doorway as I saw her. Shock at seeing what she had done hit me. I started to move toward her taking in what was before me. She was sitting on the floor her back to the wall. Her legs spread out in front of her. The t-shirt she was wearing was pulled up nearly to her breasts.

There was blood all over her. Cuts fresh and still bleeding covered her legs and stomach. The knife still clutched in her hand. It’s blade still poised above her leg. I must have interrupted her ritual. At my entrance her eyes came to look at me. Glazed over. Lost in her own escape.

This afternoon when she was strung out I should have known. I moved slowly across the room coming to crouch down in front of her.

“Hey.” She just looked at me. Like I was a figment of her imagination. My hand reached carefully for the knife. Her hand tightened on its handle. I dropped my hand away from her.

“Bad day?”

Her eyes closed and she moved her head to face away from me. The hand with the knife moved to rest on the floor.

“Go away.”

“No. I’m not going anywhere. Already told you that.”

Buffy drew her legs up and winced at the pain as she stretched some of the cuts. I left her for a moment to get a washcloth dampened it and grabbed some antibacterial cream from out of the cabinet. She didn’t say anything as she watched me clean her cuts up. Letting me move her legs when I needed to.

When I had finished dabbing the cream on her. I reached up and pulled the t-shirt back down around her waist. I looked up in surprise as her hand weaved its way through my hair.

“Hold me.” A simple request. Yeah, I could do that. Hold her. I gathered her into my arms and laid her down in the bed. Pulling the covers over her. After I turned the light off I laid down with her. Spooning myself into her back. I reached across her taking her hand in mine.

“I woke up to a nightmare. And you weren’t here.” In the dark it was safe. Safe to say what was in your heart. And whispering your fears to a dead man didn’t make them real. Somehow she read my thoughts. She squeezed my hand.

“Don’t think that. You are life. You gave me back my life.”

I buried my face in the soft cascade of her hair. Inhaling the scent of her. My heaven.

“So, what happened? Besides the nightmare.” I muffled because I wasn’t moving. Going to enjoy every second that I was in her bed.

“Tomorrow.” A soft laugh. “Today.”

“The adoption?”

She nodded her head as she took a deep breath. The tears were fighting their way to the surface again.

“I thought you were okay with it?”

“For Dawn. It’s what’s best for her. She needs it.” Her voice quavered with her hurt.

“And you?” I moved to prop myself up on my elbow so that I could look down at her. Kissing her shoulder. My lips moved softly across her skin.

“Another failure.” She rolled over onto her back to look up at me. Our hands still clinging together.

“How’s it going with Sara? Are you still going?”

“Yeah. Every Wednesday at 4 PM.”

Even as we spoke of other things I could see it there in her eyes. Desire. Longing. Closing my eyes I told myself no. To not give in to the temptation.

“She says not to be so hard on myself. That even if I am the Slayer that I am only human.” A tear slid down her cheek. Falling onto her pillow between us. “I just thought that…” Her voice fell off leaving the thought undone.

“Once you started going. Once the decision to get better was made that everything would be easy.” I finished it for her. But it wasn’t. Some things were better and some things were harder. “You just have to keep fighting. Six years of pain isn’t going to be solved in three months.”

She took her hand from mine bringing in up to cup my cheek.

“I miss you. Sleeping with you. Having you take care of me. I don’t like it when we fight.”

Lifting herself off the bed she rose up to kiss me. Her lips meeting mine in an explosion of need. I met her halfway with all the longing that was inside of me. Our tongues mating and dancing. Fighting to satisfy our craving for the other.

She turned to me her body meeting mine. Her hand reached between us to pull the comforter out of the way. My hand reached out and stopped her.

“No.”

I was breathing as hard as her. My body mimicked the depth of my emotions.

She tried to kiss me again and I turned my head. Her mouth settled in the crook of my neck. Her tongue blazing trails against my flesh.

“Buffy, no.” My hand on her shoulder pushed her back onto the bed. “Not like this. Not when you are trying to escape.”

I was calling myself every name in the book. The wanting of her would only leave me in pain with no way of release. But I knew that if we did make love tonight that tomorrow it would only put more distance between us. I had to gamble on forever. Not just tonight.

We settled back down and I held her till dawn. Watching over her while she slept. When it was almost sunrise I moved away from her. Leaving her with a kiss on the corner of her mouth.

“Love you, baby.”

I was moving through the door when I heard her.

“I love you, too.”

What could I do? I turned to look to make sure she was awake. She was. I smiled at her and left. I was alone and so was she. But now more than ever hope was burning in my chest.

Just Like A Pill

Title: Baby Did A Bad Thing

Author: Mrs Muir

Rating: NC-17

Disclaimer: All things BtVS belong to Joss Whedon, UPN and Fox. All song lyrics belong to their owners.


Chapter 33 - Just Like A Pill

I’m lyin’ here on the floor where you left me
I think I took too much
I’m crying here, what have you done?
I thought it would be fun
I can’t stay on your life support,
There’s a shortage in the switch,
I can’t stay on your morphine,
Cuz it’s making me itch
I said I tried to call the nurse again
But she’s being a little bitch
I think I’ll get outta here, where I can
Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you’re just like a pill
Instead of makin’ me better,
You keep makin’ me ill
Pink

On the way back from the courthouse Dawn made Giles stop by and pick me up. She came through the living room calling my name. I was just slipping into my shoes when she arrived. Seeing that it was a special occasion for Dawn I had dressed for it. She headed down the hallway after I hollered out that I was in my room. She turned the corner and came to a stop in my doorway. Her eyes widening as she looked at me.

“Whoa, Spike! If Buffy doesn't do a turn around after seeing you like that, she definitely has something wrong with her head."

I laughed at her comment as she took in my dress clothes. I was dressed all in black. The shirt was a button down with vertical pleats covering it tucked into crepe wide leg pants.

"So, it looks good?" I asked her opinion since I obviously couldn't see what I looked like. These were some of the clothes that Cordelia and Fred had helped me pick out and this was the first time I was wearing them.

"Good just doesn't cover it." I turned to look at her in surprise. My eyes searched hers for what motivated her to say it. I knew that she used to have a crush on me and I didn't want to have to hurt her again. But all I saw in the depths of her eyes was friendly admiration.

"Come on. Giles is waiting for us." Since he hadn't come in I was assuming that he was out waiting in the car. She turned and started to make her way back down the hall. When we reached the living room I asked her to stop for a minute while I picked up a blanket for me to cover myself with. Underneath the blanket I had hidden two presents one for her and one for Giles. Even if I didn't totally agree with this whole adoption thing I knew that it was important to both of them.

"Presents." She squealed when I uncovered them. Then laughed when she saw they were both done up in baby shower wrapping paper. "Can I open it now?"

"Later. Let's go."

She carried the presents while I threw the blanket over my head and made a dash for the car. I jumped into the back seat lying down with the blanket still covering me. Dawn put the presents down next to me and then sat in the front seat.

When we got back to the house I let her open her present after telling her that the present was also from Tara. She had done the shopping for me this afternoon. Since the mall was a little difficult for me to maneuver in the middle of the day.

For Dawn I had gotten her a fuzzy pink blanket and a teddy bear holding a rattle. And for Giles a box of cigars. It was Tara's idea to stay on the baby theme. They both liked their presents so it seemed that it was a good idea. Dawn snuggled down into the blanket on the corner of the couch holding the teddy bear. I sat down on the opposite end and we watched a movie until the others arrived.

Buffy and Richard were the last ones to get there. As they came though the door everybody got quiet and looked at me. I stood and moved to the back of the room. I honestly didn't know how I would react seeing him face to face for the first time. Everybody else had already met him. The greetings and small talk took place for a few minutes. Buffy was avoiding looking at me.

I gathered up my typical sarcasm and defense shields as I made my way toward them. It’s funny when a storm is gathering how people react. They parted to let me through as I walked toward them. Dawn came to stand beside me. The conversation slowly stopped. The tension was thick as I stood before her and the man that replaced me. Buffy looked at me wary in the pending disaster. For only a brief moment did I look back at her before I turned to him.

I stuck my hand out to the little asshole. Maybe that’s an unfair name to call him. Maybe under different circumstances I might actually have liked him. It was extremely doubtful though.

"You must be the DICK that Buffy has been dating?" I asked him in my most cordial voice. Like I was so glad to meet him. Buffy shot me a look to behave myself. Me, I just stood there and smiled. Dawn giggled beside me. The look on his face was priceless. But being the proper young man that he was he reached a hand out to shake mine. I think I might have gripped it a little too hard because he winced at the pressure.

"I don't use a nickname. Richard will be fine."

"Oh, I apologize. I thought I had heard someone refer to you as Dick." Buffy kicked me in the leg to emphasize her earlier look.

"And you are?"

I raised an eyebrow at him like he should know who the hell I was.

"I'm Spike."

He still looked a little blank. So, Dawn helped him out a little.

"He's the guy she was dating when you came along." Sometimes you gotta love the Niblet. She was clearly letting him know that he was the outsider and had messed things up between Buffy and me.

Richard turned to look at Buffy with a quizzical look.

"I thought you told me his name was William."

"Spike's a nickname. Come on let's go into the living room and sit down." She took him by the arm and led him in to take a seat on the couch. Shooting me a dirty look over her shoulder as she went. She sat beside him still clutching his hand. I followed them in sitting in a chair across from them. Sitting in my usual fashion of legs completely spread. As the conversation flowed around us Buffy's gaze just kept wandering between them no matter how hard she tried not too. It was great to know that even holding on to him she still wanted me.

Soon we all stood to head out to dinner. As everyone was gathering their coats and stuff Buffy excused herself to go upstairs for a minute. I followed her up and waited outside the bathroom until she came out. She stopped when she saw me then turned to head downstairs. I reached out and took a hold of her arm.

"Did you have to be so rude?" She asked as she pulled her arm free from me.

"And did you expect me to just accept him with open arms?"

"No. Not really." A sigh then she smiled at me a little shyly. "Thanks again for last night."

Reaching my hand out I brushed a stray lock of hair back behind her ear.

"Things better today?" Her eyes fluttered shut for a moment at the contact between us. The hunger had been reawakened in its full need last night. For the both of us. Our bodies were speaking their own language not caring what our minds and hearts wanted. What her heart and mind wanted anyway. Mine were fully aligned with my body.

"Yeah. I called and talked to Sara for a little bit. So, between you and her I feel better about things."

She didn't even know it but her pulse was picking up speed. Her breath went a little deeper than normal. When we turned to go back downstairs our hands brushed together sending a shock of pleasure through me. She let the contact remain for a second longer than necessary before preceding me down the stairs. Leaving me to follow her watching the sway of her hips as she moved.

When we went to dinner I was placed by Dawn between her and Anya. Buffy was across the table with Giles on her left and Richard on her right. Xander was on the other side of Anya. Willow was at the head of table with Tara on her left. I tried to ignore Buffy and Richard through dinner taking the time to talk to the other people around me. After watching him touch her and whisper in her ear and just generally play cutesy for the next hour I decided revenge was in order. And the beautiful thing was he would never know it. I scooted forward in my chair leaning my arms against the table as I slipped my foot from its shoe. She jumped and her drink went flying at the first contact against her shin. It was just a gentle stroke up and down the length of her leg.

Richard played the knight helping her clean it up. I waited until she was settled again before reaching over again. My foot rested against her foot as I caressed her ankle. This time she didn't react at all. Well, at least not visibly. Her conversation continued with him and Anya as I moved my foot upwards. Her eyes darted toward me. Trying to send me a signal to stop. But I ignored her and kept talking to Giles about some demons. She clamped her thighs shut as my foot slid between them. When I acted like I was trying to pull away from her, she opened her legs to give me room to leave. I had to smile because as she spread them I dived in. Resting my foot on the chair between her legs.

She audibly gasped as my toes wiggled against her. As everyone turned to look at her she stammered out that a bug must have bitten her or something. Richard offered to see if there was anything under the table. As he lifted the tablecloth I moved my foot away and slid it back into my shoe. Of course nothing was found and the rest of dinner was a bit of a bore. Except for the looks alternating between anger and lust that Buffy shot my way.

Dawn wanted to go to the Bronze afterwards. After making sure that Willow and Tara would see her home Giles agreed to let her. I was going to have Giles drop me off when Dawn asked me to go for her. Kind of be her date because everyone else was paired off. At this point I owed her a couple of favors so I agreed. But as soon as we got there she ended up heading off with some friends. Leaving me alone to sulk. And watch her with him. Taking her out on the dance floor and holding her close.

As he was speaking to some people I didn’t know she broke away from him. She moved through the crowd toward the stairs. I watched her as she looked over her shoulder to make sure she wasn't being followed. Then she headed up to the catwalk. I waited until she was leaning against the railing before I went to her. Came up behind her leaning forward putting my hands on the railing beside hers. Her bottom nestled against my crotch as I moved forward against her. Rested my chin on her shoulder. She shifted so that our faces were touching. Her cheek pressed against mine.

"I could make love to you right now. No one would ever know." I whispered to her grinding my self against her. The response I was waiting for came as a soft moan. Her eyes closing against the realization that she wanted me to do it.

"I would know." She told me softly but she didn't move away.

"Does he make you feel the way I do?" I moved my hand from the railing to her hip. Down her thigh then back up pulling her skirt with it.

"No one could."

Her hand came down to cover mine stopping me.

"Don't."

I moved my hand letting her skirt drop back down. Then sliding slowly around her coming to rest on her belly. Her head turned so that her forehead was resting along my jaw. Slowly moving back and forth. Her hair tickled my nose.

"Why are you the only one who can move me like this?"

She almost sounded afraid of the connection between us.

"Because I am the one you are meant to be with."

Her hand moved down the railing till it was touching mine. Her fingers moving across mine.

"Look down there." I waited until she was staring down at the crowd. "See him. The man you want to be with. He’s laughing and having fun oblivious as to who you really are. What you are capable of. You don't belong with him. You belong with me."

I moved to kiss the nape of her neck. My tongue traveled along her skin till I reached the spot where I had bitten her. My teeth tenderly scrapped the scar then sucked on it. Finally releasing it to go back to resting my chin on her shoulder.

“Did you want her?” She asked me hesitantly. In a way she wanted to know the answer and in a way she didn’t.

“Yes.” Donna was gone and it was a mute point. There wasn’t a reason not to be honest at this point.

“Is it possible to love and want two people at the same time?’ Her head turned slightly so she could read my face. But I hoped the mask that I wanted to project was in its place.

“Do you love him?” I couldn’t say the word want in connection to him and her. The rage was beating against the wall again.

“I don’t know. I think so. He’s everything that I thought I wanted.” By this time she had turned away again. Even I could barely hear her over the din of the music.

Her next question threw me off guard. Leaving me in a further quandary of hope and desperation.

"If we had children would you love them and protect them?"

My hand covering her belly softly stroked over where her womb was. A loving gesture for a child not yet there.

"I never said I wouldn't. Just that it was unlikely to happen."

Her hand came to cover mine but yet she didn’t try to remove it.

"But you said you didn't want any."

My hand moved further down her belly to cup her through her skirt. She arched her back as the pleasure coursed through her. Bringing her in closer proximity to my erection.

"I won't hurt if we never would. But to see you swell with our child is an idea that is growing on me."

She gave a soft sigh as she turned her face back to me. A kiss on my jaw was my reward.

"You'd never leave me?”

I turned my head to make sure that no one was around as I moved my hand back to rest on her stomach. Moving it slowly toward her breast. Covering it with my hand. Massaging it before moving to my attention to her hardening nipple. Her head dropped back against my shoulder. Tilted so that her face was against mine. Her nose rubbed against my ear.

"I will always be here for you. You know that."

"Would you still love me when I am old and gray? When my body is wrinkled and not so firm?" She chuckled quietly at the memory of my words.

"Would you still love me when you are old and gray and I still look the same as I do today?"

She pulled away just enough to look at me. That was something else that she hadn't thought about that I would never age and she would. If she were with me it would be awkward as time passed.

A soft sigh crossed her lips and she leaned her forehead against my cheek.

"No matter where I go or what I do you will always be the one who can reach me. The one I can't resist."

Her words a soft whisper across my skin. I waited as she fought herself then I don't know if she gave up or what. But her lips met mine. Inquisitive. Lonely. A step closer and she was against me again. Her hands came to rest on my hips. The kiss ended her eyes searching in mine. For an answer that she still couldn’t find. Even though she was holding it in her arms.

“Spike, I need you to let go. As long as you hold on I will never be able to figure this out.”

A sound of someone coming up the stairs stopped me from replying. We stepped apart looking over to see Richard coming our way. He stopped at the top step and looked from her to me.

"Am I interrupting something?"

"No, we were just talking." She answered him then moved toward him. Her hand was still in mine and I held it for as long as possible. She looked back at me before she left with him. Her eyes pleaded with me to let her go.

One day it would fall apart. This fantasy she was forcing to happen. I don't what it would take. Boredom. Loneliness. Having to keep so much of herself hidden. And no one to make her feel the way I did. Something or anything and then she would realize that it wasn't real. And she would come back to me.

Baby Did A Bad Bad Thing

Title: Baby Did A Bad Thing

Author: Mrs Muir

Rating: NC-17

Disclaimer: All things BtVS belong to Joss Whedon, UPN or Fox. All song lyrics belong to their owner.

Authors Note: A special thanks to Slayers Gift for reading each chapter ten times until it is done. And to DarrylJ for answering my question giving me the courage to leave this chapter as is.


Chapter 34 - Baby Did A Bad Bad Thing

You ever love so much you thought your little heart was gonna break in two?
I didn't think so.
You ever tried with all your heart and soul to get your lover back to you?
I wanna hope so.
You ever pray with all your heart and soul just to watch her walk away?
You ever toss and turn your lying awake and thinking about the one you love?
I don't think so.
You ever close your eyes you making believe you’re holding the one you love?
Well if you say so.
It hurts so bad when you finally know just how low, low, low, low, low, she'll go.
Baby did a bad bad thing, feel like crying
Chris Isaak

I stayed up on the catwalk until the tears had quit running down my face and the pain in my chest eased a little. With the back of my hand I wiped away the tears from my face and turned to leave. Dawn would be safe with Willow and Tara there was no reason for me to stay. I moved quickly through the shadows toward the back door. There was no way I could face any of them now. I couldn’t speak even if I saw them. The grief was choking me leaving me to try to swallow it away. All I wanted was to curl into a ball somewhere and howl all the pain away from me.

Nothing could keep me from my destination. The first bottle of whiskey that I could find. A dark corner of Willie’s was my hiding spot. The bottle and a shot glass were put on the table in front of me. Without thought of my motions I poured the first glassful. Picked it up bringing it to my mouth. Throwing my head and letting it hit the back of my throat with a welcome flame. It burned down into my belly. I poured the second glass and picked it up.

Then her voice echoed through my head. I looked up and she was there soft and shimmering in my imagination. Her eyes glowed with an affection that only is built through an eternity of love. Her words giving me hope.

As long as you hold on I will never be able to figure this out.

Let me go.

Give me the freedom to find my way back to you.

Give me the room to make my mistakes so that I know that you are the only right thing left.

Let me burn my bridges so that the only place to go is back to you.


It hit me low in my gut in that place where decisions are made with our hearts and soul. I had to let her go. I put the glass back down on the table and walked out. Once I knew what I had to do I was still hesitant to tell her. There would be no turning back from this. And I could only hope that somewhere she would be mine again. Before this thing had gone too far.

Several cemeteries and a few staked vampires later I turned to go to her place. It was only a little bit past midnight. I would tell her and leave. As I approached her place I noticed it. His car was still in the driveway. My reasoning told me that he would be leaving soon. She didn’t want him so there was no reason for him to be there.

I moved across the street into the little park that was there and took a seat on a bench facing her door. Only the small flickering lights of candles illuminated her apartment. My pack of cigarettes almost didn’t last as I waited for him to leave. There was a rip in my heart that grew more jagged and bloody as each minute passed. My good intentions were taken away by the images burning in my mind.

Her naked body writhing under him as he took what was mine. His name called out in the throes of her orgasm. His cum spilling out into her. The sweat of the two of them coating her body. His breath mingling with hers as they panted in the exertions of their joining.

Without conscious thought or plan I vamped out. Going into full predator mode. Protector of my mate. My woman. My love. I crouched down underneath the tree by her door where I could wait for him to leave. My hands balanced me. Where with just one push off of my feet and hands I could pounce on him and rip his throat out before he even knew what was attacking him. The chip was forgotten as I planned revenge.

The night was almost gone when he finally left. His shirt was fastened by only a few buttons. His shoes were carried in his hand. My imagination played the scene of him leaving her bed and dressing. Not bothering to make sure his shirt was done up before kissing her good-bye. He looked around as he heard me growl. It was the deep thundering growl of a demon that had been caged for way too long. As I lunged for him the chip in my fucking skull went off leaving me to land on the ground in impotent fury. A howl ripped through me as I mourned the loss of a perfect kill. He never saw me as he hurried to his car still glancing around for the source of the noises. But I was lost in the shadows of the night.

His taillights rounded the corner as I forced myself to stand again. The pain in my head had started to fade. I reassured myself that he could be taken care of another time. There is more than one way to take a life. Sometimes murder was like revenge and you didn’t even have to touch them to affect them. But then I remembered Buffy was still here. A malevolent grin crossed my face as I thought of the pleasure it would be to make her pay for all my hurt. Poor baby thought she had tamed me. That a soul could cage the beast that still lived within me.

The silly bint hadn’t gotten her sliding glass door fixed from last night. Was it only last night that I had taken care of her bewildering sorrow and guilt? Tonight I would be the cause of it. I stepped into her living room glancing around at the bottle of wine on the coffee table with the used glasses standing beside it. The pillows piled on the couch. The candles around the room still flickered masking the odor of their fucking. Then I listened for where she was. The bathroom. How nice that she would be in a place that held such infinite torture possibilities. I moved down the hallway with growls rumbling through my chest. The sound echoed that of a dog warning of its imminent attack.

The water was running. Hot and steamy. Her shadow was visible behind the curtain. She was naked and wet just a few feet from me. I remembered how her body got a rosy hue from the heat of the water. How the curls between her legs hung as straight as the hair on her head when they were wet. Remembered how good it felt to pick her up and bury myself in her heat as the water fell over and around us. My tongue darted out and ran across my lips as I thought of her lying beneath me still soaking wet. Pleading for release.

I reached into my pocket for my last cigarette. Putting it between my lips and lighting it. Taking a deep drag into my lungs. She jumped as the smoke curled into the air alerting her to my presence.

“Who’s there?” She called out as I saw her shadow take on a defense stance.

“It’s only me, Baby.”

“Spike?” She pulled the curtain back to look at me. Her eyes widening when she saw me in game face. “What’s going on?”

“We need to talk.” Simple and to the point. She didn’t need to know yet what I was planning for her. She just nodded her head at me and innocently held out her hand.

“Hand me a towel.”

I picked up a towel and held it up for her. Like I used to. Waiting for her to step into it. She grabbed it away from me and wrapped it around her before she stepped out. I stood my ground refusing to move aside to let her pass. She had to brush against me in order to get away from the tub. I inhaled deeply as she went by me. It was all Buffy. Only her scent clung to her now.

“Am I not good enough to look at you anymore?” My voice cracked over my emotions as I looked at her.

She grabbed another towel bending over to wrap her hair in it. Then she dismissed me like I was nothing. A casual turn away to the vanity and I was no longer important.

“I asked you a bloody question. Have I gone back to not being good enough for you?” She flinched as I shouted at her. Then turned to face me with no fear in her eyes.

“Spike, go home. I’ll come over later when you have calmed down.” She acted like I was going to take whatever orders she issued out to me. Like I was second rate or something. “I was going to come over and talk to you anyway.”

“Why? Why the fuck would you come over to talk to me? To soddin’ brag about it?” Her total lack of feeling at the moment amazed me. Just hours ago she was asking me if I would never leave her. Asking me if I would love our children. Her body wanted mine tonight. Then she came home and let him between her legs. Now, she was acting as if nothing had happened. Acting as if she didn’t know why I was here.

“I don’t know what the hell you are so upset about. Just leave. I am not going to talk to you when you are like this.” Then she turned from me again.

Through my rage that was finally free I went to her. Her body was fragile as I turned her to face me. Holding onto her wrists I twisted her arms around her back and leaned against her. It was then that I saw it. A perfect diamond solitaire was lying on the counter. Sparkling out its glorious intentions in the glare of the bathroom light. Now, I knew why. She had made her bargain and fulfilled her end of the contract.

“Spike, let go of me. You’re hurting me.” Her body twisted against mine as she tried to get away.

“Then we’re even because that’s all you’ve ever done to me.” My words were intentionally cruel as I moved so that I could look down at her. Her eyes filled with hurt as they cut deep into her. The eyes that I used to drown in were now filling with tears. A part of me felt the satisfaction of emotional retaliation.

“Stop this. Please. Don’t do this.” I didn’t know if meant the physical or emotional hurt that I was laying on her. Whatever she meant it to be was lost as she pushed back from the counter with her hips. Her upper body slammed into mine sending me backwards. I was still holding on to her when I started to fall. She came crashing down with me. Hitting her lower back then her head on the edge of the tub. Finally coming to land half on top of me.

“Buffy, are you okay? Buffy?” I turned us so she was lying on her back on the other side of me. As she started to open her eyes a deep moan of pain moved through her. My game face and my rage had been lost in the moments of our fall. As I watched her bounce against the unyielding edge of the tub my heart had filled with a fear for her well being. My love for her came slamming back through me with the force of a freight train. And I felt a shame that overwhelmed me.

“No. Nothing is okay.” She turned on her side away from me. Her hand held her back where she had hit it. Then she started to massage it to try to make it feel better.

“What can I do?” Hesitantly I reached out a hand to try to comfort her. I didn’t know what to do now that the rage was gone and she lay there so vulnerable. A part of me told me now was the time to attack. To exact revenge for her earlier betrayal of us. But there was no us. Not anymore. I should have left when I had seen his car there. That had been my decision to let her find her own way. But in the cold reality of the night I had let my insecurity lead the way. It was a decision that could have destroyed not only us but others as well in the aftermath of my emotional tantrum. The guilt and horror wound through my belly at what might have happened. Tears fell down my face unheeded to fall onto my shirt.

“Haven’t you done enough?” She asked as she pulled away from my touch. And I had done enough. It was time. To tell her. To end my dreams. There was no reason to talk about anything. I didn’t want to ask about the ring or her plans. Or wait for some explanation. I didn’t want to hear. Being here with her was tearing me apart. It was time to make a clean cut and run. Before something else happened that couldn’t be undone.

“I’m sorry.” I moved to rest my forehead on her shoulder. My tears left trails across her skin still damp from the shower. “I came here tonight to tell you that I would let you go. Do what you asked me to do.”

Maybe one of us could be happy that way. Stop this constant torment between us. She was free to go for her dreams. I wouldn’t be there anymore. I started to pull away from her but she rolled over onto her back to look up at me. Her hand came to cup my face.

“Don’t, Buffy. Don’t give me reasons to hope.”

Her hand dropped away from me. Confusion clouded her eyes. I reached a finger out to trace her face and then her lips.

“Be happy, Baby.” I stood and reached a hand down to her. She took it and I pulled her to her feet. Then I turned to leave moving down the hallway as quickly as I could. She called out my name as I left. But I didn’t respond. If I paused or slowed down I would never leave. Went out the front door this time. As I opened the door I saw my duster hanging on a hook by the door. With a laugh I grabbed it and took it with me. It was garbage day and the duster found its new home on top of someone’s kitchen slop. The trophy was meaningless now and she didn’t need it to protect her anymore. There was someone else for that.

If I Should Fall Behind

Title: Baby Did A Bad Thing

Author: Mrs Muir

Rating: NC-17

Disclaimer: All things BtVS belong to Joss Whedon, UPN and Fox. All song lyrics belong to their owners.


Chapter 35 - If I Should Fall Behind

We said we’d walk together
Baby come what may
Back from the twilight
Should we lose our way
As we were walking
A hand should slip free
I’ll wait for you
Should I fall behind wait for me
Faith Hill



“Hey.”

I knew that she was there even before she said a word to me. I had known it the moment she had walked into the house. Her footstep light as she stepped into my room. I was lying face down on my bed reading and as she walked further inside I watched her movements over my shoulder. She must have come straight from work because she was still in her uniform. The takeout bag from the restaurant in her hand was placed into the refrigerator.

“I brought you wings.” As she turned to face me I returned to my book hoping that if I ignored her long enough that she would leave. From the corner of my eye I saw her look around her then back at me. “If you got some furniture people might be inclined to visit more.”

She stood for a moment waiting for me to respond to her. There was nervousness about the way that she stood with her hands clasped together. I guess she gave up on me because she turned away from me toward the door again. She went to stand next to the wall leaning on it. Her shoes were slipped off and left there. It was only a few steps to return to me. The mattress gave slightly as she stepped onto it then more of a give as she sat down. Her leg leaned against mine as she crossed her legs.

“What do you want?” I asked over my shoulder at her.

“We need to talk.”

“Talked enough this morning.”

There was nothing else to say as far as I could see. She glanced down at her hands that were clutched together in her lap. Then she looked back up at me. Her eyes meeting mine with no apology or shame in their green depths. Actually there was a light in them that I hadn’t seen in a long time.

“No, we didn’t talk. You pulled a Buffy. You dumped and then you ran.” She moved her hand to rest on my leg. I jerked away from her as her casual touch made me quiver in need. Her hand dropped back into her lap as she gave me a quizzical look.

“Richard called me this morning.” At his name I looked away from her. Did she really think that I wanted to hear about them? “He told me that when he left there was a wild dog or something outside of my place. That it sounded like it was going to attack him. And when I went to investigate all I saw was boot prints.”

I rolled over on my side and threw my free hand up in the air.

“So, stake me or whatever you are going to do. Just get it over with and leave me alone.” I practically shouted it at her. I pulled myself up so that I was sitting up, mimicking her position of sitting cross-legged. There was darkening of her eyes as she looked at me.

“So, that was you.” She put her shoulders back and sighed. “And that’s was what this morning was about. Richard.”

“What the hell did you think it was about?” I reached over the edge of the mattress and grabbed a smoke. Needed something to do with my hands to squash the feeling of wanting to shake some sense into her. She watched me as I took one out and lit it. Her mind lost in the memory of this morning. It was going to come soon. The usual line that I was a ‘bastard’ and I didn’t have any business in her life anymore. The warning to stay away from them. But she surprised me.

“Do you really think that I am that kind of girl?” There was so much insecurity in her question that it made me hurt for her. She sounded like a little girl whose parents had taken away a favorite doll or something.

“What kind of girl, Buffy?” I asked her as I crushed out the cigarette before I had taken even a few drags. The mood had changed and so had my need for a crutch.

“The kind of girl that would be holding you and loving you. And then go home and sleep with someone else.” There was bewilderment in her voice as she explained her question to me. A small curl of hope started somewhere in me but I refused to listen to it. Even if she did look like someone had struck her.

“The evidence was pretty overwhelming. It was almost dawn before he left.”

“Why didn’t you knock on the door? Or ask me before you went all attack modey?” I looked at her in amazement because she seemed honestly confused as to why I would think she was fucking him.

“What the hell was I supposed to ask you? Gee, Buffy, did you reach your happy point?” This was going nowhere fast. But as I was losing control she started to giggle. That turned into full laughter that shook her small frame. It was just adding insult to injury and I started to stand. She reached out and grabbed my wrists pulling me back down.

There was weariness in me as I sat back down. Her hands continued to hold mine. How much more torture was she going to give me? I looked away from her as she laughed at me.

“Please don’t do this. Please.” I didn’t need her to humiliate me. I could manage that on my own as a single tear rolled down my cheek. She stopped laughing when she realized how distressed I was. Her hands came out to cup my cheeks. Her thumb wiped away the tear. And the ones that followed.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t laughing at you. Happy point. When the hell have you ever said that before? It just struck me as funny.” She sighed softly as I continued to keep my eyes closed with my head bowed. Then she leaned forward to kiss me softly on the lips. It was a kiss of comfort and friendship.

“Spike, look at me.” Her hands brought my face up but I still refused to look at her. “Please look at me.”

I opened my eyes baring my soul to her with the depth of my anguish and self-doubt there for her to see. Her eyes met mine with compassion filling them.

“Listen to me, okay? I did not have sex with Richard.”

“Why are you lying to me?” I searched her face looking for a sign that maybe she was telling the truth. Her eyes bore directly into mine with no hesitation.

“I’m not. He stayed late because we were talking. He saw us kissing at the Bronze. That was why he came upstairs to get me. And he wanted and deserved an explanation. He pretty much knows everything but the slaying and demons. He knows about you and me. About the cutting and stuff.”

“Nothing happened between you two but talking?” My question was offered hesitantly. My heart begging that she was telling the truth.

“No, nothing happened beyond the talking.” I reached up to cover her hands that were still on my face. A relief started to ease its way through me. She wasn’t lying to me. It was clear there in her eyes. I would be an idiot not to know that there was some stuff going on with them. Just like there had been between Donna and me. But as long as he hadn’t taken her yet I could survive.

“It hurts that you would even think that I would do that. But I understand why you did. You and I should take stock in a luggage company with as much baggage as we carry.” I smiled at her words because they were true. Drusilla had never been faithful to me always screwing around with Angel making me feel less than adequate. I never gave Buffy the benefit of the doubt. She was paying for my past and I was paying for hers.

“I’m sorry.” It was so inadequate for what I had done. For the first time I was thankful for the chip in my head that I wasn’t able to hurt him. She smiled gently at me as her hands turned to hold mine again in her lap. “Did I hurt you?”

“No. But the tub sure did.” She was trying to make me feel less guilty for my actions. Something that I appreciated but didn’t feel that I deserved. I took a hand back and leaned so that I could see where she had hit. Glancing quickly at her to make sure she wasn’t going to smack me or something I carefully lifted her shirt. The bruise was big and ugly. Still in its first stages it was a black stain against the whiteness of her skin. My fingers ran lightly across the result of my insecurity causing her to wince at the pressure. But she didn’t push me away. Pulling myself up slightly I moved so that I could soothingly kiss it. Her hand rested on my back as I moved over her. As I sat back down she didn’t break contact just letting it go with me. When I was settled it rested on my shoulder.

“What about the ring?” The easy mood between us was tense again as I remembered that she was promised to someone else. But she wasn’t wearing it so maybe there was hope there too.

“Richard and I talked about that too. He actually wasn’t going to give me the ring yet but had been saving it for later. Then he gave it to me as we were talking. Told me to hold onto it until I made my decision.”

“He wants to marry you.”

“Yeah, and he wants me to go to Dallas with him. He’s leaving next month. That’s why he’s rushing with the ring and stuff.” She said it as easily as she could. Not wanting to hurt me more.

I sighed knowing the pain had only been put off for later. Now if she chose him not only wouldn’t she be mine. She would be gone completely.

“What about Dawn?”

The guilt danced across her face when I mentioned her sister. She was going to leave all of us behind if she did this. It was then that I realized that would probably be a big factor in what she chose.

“Don’t make me feel guilty.”

“Why not? Not only are you thinking about leaving me but about leaving all of us behind. Do you really think we can go through that again?” The bitterness overflowed in me like bile. I almost couldn’t look into her face as she defended herself.

“And I didn’t ask to be brought back did I?” There was as much anger in her voice as there was bitterness in mine. Then she shook her head slightly. “Spike, please understand. It’s not about who I love. Or who loves me more? It’s about what I want for my life.”

She paused trying to get her thoughts in order and to control her emotions. I waited for her. That much I owed her.

“When I fell apart and ran away last year I thought that was my only alternative to what was going on. I have never felt that I had a choice in being a Slayer. My destiny. The one girl in all the world and all the other bullshit that was crammed down my throat pushed me into a corner. A corner that I didn’t necessarily want to be in. When I died I was in a place that was warm and safe. A relief from the life I had been living. Then to be brought back like that it broke me in a way.”

I don’t even think she knew that the tears were falling down her cheeks as she spoke from a place deep inside her. Her hands had been pulled back into her lap as she started to wring them together. I reached over and took a hold of them.

“I’m right here. Keep going.”

As I took her hands a shudder ran through her. Then she inhaled deeply giving her the strength to keep going.

“You brought me back from the brink of disaster. I will never be able to thank you enough for that. When I started to see Sara and I started to really open up. She just looked at me one day and asked me why I did it. If I didn’t want to do it then why did I. For the first time someone told me I had a choice.”

She squeezed my hands and leaned forward resting her head on my chest. I freed one hand so I could run it through her hair. Sitting back up she sniffled and asked me for a tissue. I didn’t have any so I went into the bathroom and got some toilet paper for her to use. She blew her nose and wiped her face dry with the heel of her hands.

“I’m a mess, aren’t I?”

“Yeah.” Today was a day for honesty so why should I stop now. We shared a laugh that was somehow like a bond being reformed between us.

“Okay. I’m not done yet.” A patient smile crossed my face but I actually wanted to hear this through. Wondering what else she would reveal. “Baby, please understand it’s not a choice between you and him. Because if it was based on who could love me more it would be you. And I’m sorry that I have pushed you away for so long. But I can’t be around you without wanting you.” She hesitated as she attempted to choose her next words carefully. “I need to make this decision with a clear head. Not one that is based on emotional need only. That’s one of the reasons I haven’t slept with Richard. Because I need to decide if I want to continue to fight this battle or if I want to be normal again.”

“And I am part of the Slayer package. The whole demon bit and everything.” It was starting to make sense even to me. Her eyes lit up as she realized that I understood where she was coming from.

“When I make my decision it is going to be based on what I want and can handle with all the sacrifices that come with it.”

“Do you love him?” She had just pretty much implied that if it weren’t for this ‘choice’ she would have slept with him by now. Was it just physical or was she falling for him too?

“He’s a good man. And he honestly cares about me.” She tilted her head back as she struggled with her answer. Then she looked into my eyes. No lies. “I think that with time that I could love him. It would be a love that is built on friendship. I wouldn’t be dating him if I didn’t care about him. But we would never have the depth and passion that you and I have.”

Relief flooded through me at her words. She may still leave me and everyone else but she wouldn’t do it to be cruel. Or insensitive. Or based on weakness. This was a decision that would be made with strength. It was the kind of strength that most people didn’t possess. It was the courage to go after what they wanted instead of remaining in a place that left them miserable. To let her go now wouldn’t hurt as bad now. Because in a way she would always be mine as the certainty of her feelings started to melt away at my fears.

All of a sudden she moved closer to me draping her legs on either side of me ending up in my lap. Her arms wrapped around my neck. But there was no passion in her eyes now it was a need for closer contact to someone who cared. I put my arms around her and pulled her close. To have her in my arms again was like coming home.

“Do you know how proud of you I am?” The words spoken directly into my ear caused me to start in surprise. But she wasn’t finished. “You are so far ahead of me in all this. You are already walking down a new path and I am still deciding which path to take.”

“You’ll get it figured out. And if you need help I’ll be here for you.” Shifting again so that her bottom was resting on the bed again she looked at me so solemnly.

“I know you will. And I promise you that when I make any decisions regarding all this. You will be the first to know. And that includes anything to do with Richard. Okay?”

“Okay. Just don’t call me in the middle of the night to tell me you are getting ready to shag him. Don’t do it and call me in the morning instead.”

She laughed at my attempt at humor leaning forward to hug me.

“I promise.”

I didn’t know where we would go from there. But it was a new start for both of us. I was still letting go but I was more secure now that she would honor our love. And respect my feelings. It felt strange to trust someone with that much of me. But she was Buffy. And I had to try. For her. For me. For us.

The Quest

Title: Baby Did A Bad Thing

Author: Mrs Muir

Rating: NC-17

Disclaimer: All things BtVS belong to Joss Whedon, UPN and Fox. All song lyrics belong to their owners.


Chapter 36 - The Quest


To Dream…the impossible dream
To fight…the unbeatable foe
To Bear…with unbearable sorrow
To Run...with the brave do not go
To Right...the unrightable wrong
To Love...pure and chase from afar
To try…when your arms are too weary
To reach…the unreachable star

This is my quest, to follow that star
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
To fight for the right, without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell, for a Heavenly cause
And I know if I’ll only be true, to this glorious quest,
That my heart will lie peaceful and calm,
When I’m laid to my rest
And the world be better for this:
That one man, scorned and covered with scars,
Still strove, with his last ounce of courage,
To reach…the unreachable star


I had told Giles when all this began that I wasn’t changing just for Buffy. My quest to regain my soul was because I had changed. It was because I wanted to fight on the side of right. To help protect the world from things that go bump in the night. And the hell gods and demons that wanted to destroy this world.

I sat alone in the quiet of my house and realized that my journey had actually begun the night I first saw her. When she was dancing with Willow and Xander. For so long I thought that she had only affected me physically. But over those few days she had impressed me. She had been so different from the other Slayers. The ones I had taken out. Her bravery and defiance served her well. Her family and friends only added to her strength. Making her an almost undefeatable opponent.

From the first meeting she was always there in the back of my mind. She kept calling out to the man in me. She was my star guiding me home. And I had taken that first step into her light when I had made that pact with her. The pact when I offered to help her with Angelus to keep the world from being sucked into a hell dimension. I couldn’t help but to keep returning to dance on the edge of her world.

Something or someone was always controlling things. What I had thought was my leash was only my pass card to her life. To be able to be with her almost daily. To be able to become a part of her inner circle. I fought it, oh God, how I fought it. Anyway I could. My mouth. My alliance to Adam. Anything to keep her from seeing my vulnerability when it came to her. And to her friends.

But almost unbidden I kept taking steps closer to her. To that world that I hungered for. But always thought was beyond my reach. I had thought it was forever denied me when Drusilla turned me. But it was always there beckoning me. Never really enjoyed the darkness the way my companions did. Never found the deep thrill that they did in the torture or kill. But I gave it my best shot. Do vampires have a conscience? Not really. But it never set quite right for me. I still craved what life had to offer.

Then last year she had opened the door and let me in. Yeah, it was because she needed me. But she treated me like a man. Not a beast. And I found myself making promises to fight with her. To protect little sis. And I tried. I tried so hard not to let her down. Then to see her broken body lying there almost destroyed me. And I vowed even though she wasn’t there that I wouldn’t let her down. Still kept fighting along side her friends, kept an eye on Dawn and mourned for her. My heart was broken. Although no one believed I was capable of such deep emotions. An evil soulless vampire was incapable of such lofty things as love.

Then she came back. My angel was returned to me. Broken and torn. She turned to me to share her secrets with. I know she was only doing it to keep from hurting her friends with her pain. But it was also because she knew that she could trust me. That I would keep her secrets.

Then darkness pulled me back when Drusilla needed me. Going back into the darkness had hurt. It was like being covered with itching powder that you can’t get off. I did my duty to my sire. Without her I would never have found Buffy. But I couldn’t wait to get home. Back to Sunnydale.

The journey that we have taken together since my return had pushed me off the fence. Directly into the light. Where I stood with no shadows to protect me. To protect my heart. It was time. It was that proverbial do or die situation. Make good with the promises or sneak out of town in the middle of the night.

After our talk Buffy started to slip away from us. Not literally. She was still there physically. But it was like a heart thing. A slipping away of the spirit. It was like she had made sure everybody was okay. That we were secure and safe before she left us. Dawn was with Giles. Anya and Xander were working it out. And Tara and Willow were like lovebirds again. And me? She made sure that I knew that it wasn’t me. That her love would always be mine. Even if I couldn’t hold her.

Every day after she got off work she would call me. To check in. To make sure everything was okay. To talk about things that only I would understand. Slowly, she turned the reins of the leader over to me. I was the only one who wasn’t working or going to school. That wasn’t responsible for someone else directly. Plus, I still had my ear to the ground. The connection to the demon world. The demons hated me more than ever. But there were a few that still talked to me. Like Clem. He was hanging out at my place all the time now.

Her daily calls included coordinating patrol times. She didn’t go that often. But she still wanted status reports. Her time was being spent with Richard and his friends. Living in his world.

I took her advice and got furniture. Giles had some in storage that was leftover from when his flat and the house had been combined. So, I ended up with places for people to sit. Buffy was right. They did come to visit. To hold their meetings. To hang out. The first few times they came over I thought they were crazy. They were acting like we were friends. Which I guess we were becoming.

Xander and I had become comfortable around each other while working on the house and patrolling. Not that everything was perfect between us. It probably never would. But it was better.

Dawn was still coming over most days to hang out and help me to do stuff. Sometimes Janice came along and they would just enjoy being away from parental control. They thought they were the shit hanging out at my place. I didn’t know why because I wouldn’t let them do much more than their parents would.

Giles had become my mentor. Giving me advice. The one I could talk to. The one I turned to when I became confused or lost focus. He helped me deal with my soul. And my feelings for Buffy.

And me. I was doing good. I had found a place that I belonged. Slowly, I was becoming a part of this family that I had wanted to be included in for so long. Anya had told me to start dating. But I wasn’t ready. Until Buffy made her decision I wasn’t going to. And if it came down to the fact that she left me for good I knew I wouldn’t be devastated. That I would be able to get up the next day and keep going. My heart was hurting but my life was no longer built around just Buffy. And she had given me that too.

I had a purpose. I was one of the good guys. I helped to make the world a better place. I belonged somewhere. I had a home. Family and friends.

The path to this point had started that day at the Bronze. And it wasn’t over yet. I didn’t know where I would end up. But I wasn’t alone anymore. And that made all the difference.

Buffy had been the star that had brought me this far. But she wasn’t the destination. That had yet to be revealed. And I hadn’t given up hope that she would return to travel beside me. Love is a powerful and funny thing. Real love is blood screaming inside of you to work its will. And I knew that what she felt for me was real love. It was the kind of love that would only grow stronger with time. She just had to realize it was stronger than anything else out there.

Until then I had a life to live.



***The last chapter was written to reveal where Buffy was at. This is Spike’s turn. To give a look on where his head and heart are after the talk. With the next chapter the story will start progressing again.

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