The first day of my last week of wearing a chicken hat is over. I'm feeling almost giddy at the impending relief. It's over a week since my conversation with Anya, and apart from a need to apologise to her, I've recovered from the subject of the conversation. Dawn was right. Whatever I am, I've been for over a year now, and I'm doing ok. Life's really looking up. A few more days and I'll have a new job, Dawn and I are getting on fairly well, and I'm actually starting to look at the future with something approaching hope. Of course, I'm still the Slayer, so the future tends to mean the next couple of days, but, that's just the way things are.

I approach the house, and pick up the mail as I pass the mailbox. I rifle through the contents - a couple of bills, a letter from Giles, and another one. Hand-written address, but I'm not sure of the writing. It's been posted locally. I open the door, kicking off my shoes gratefully as I go in. I shout on Dawn, and get a muffled answer from upstairs. I head for the kitchen, pour myself a glass of cola, and sit down. The unknown letter has piqued my curiosity, so I open it first.

The writing has a slightly old-fashioned look about it, and now I see more of it, it's vaguely familiar. I scan down the page to the signature at the bottom and the paper slips out of my fingers to flutter to the floor. Spike. Stunned, I drop to the floor to pick up the paper. I start to read, but don't get beyond the first line before my vision blurs as tears form in my eyes. I wipe a hand across my eyes, and start again. I read his words, feeling his regret which seems to stand out from the paper, something three dimensional and real.

He's going to be working at the school. I wonder what he'll be doing. I mean, it's hard to see how someone with a sunlight allergy can hold down a job like that. I don't know what he'll be doing, and it's a big school, so I don't know whether I'll be seeing him often, but I'm bound to bump into him sometimes. I consider my options. I mean, I handed in my notice at work today, so I can't go back there. I quit once already, won't get another second chance. I can't not work. I mean, we're not in debt any more, but we soon will be if I'm not earning.

I look up to see Dawn watching me. "What's up?" she asks.

I shake my head, finding myself unable to speak. I hand her the letter. We promised we wouldn't keep secrets any more, and she deserves to know. I remember too late the passage about Dawn being in danger. I'm so wrapped up in my own discomfort at seeing Spike again, I hardly noticed the implied threat to her. I try to grab the letter back, but she pulls away, her eyes widening as she reads.

"Spike's back? And he's got an address? And a telephone? And, I'm in danger, again." This last is said with an air of boredom. She looks at me shrewdly. "That's why you tried to grab it back, isn't it?"

I nod. I'm still not sure my voice will work.

"Wow, and he's going to be working at school, so I'll be able to see him. And, if he's around, and you are too, then I'll be safe, won't I? Safe as I can be, anyway. It's cool."

I smile at the simplicity of Dawn's approach to life. I suppose she has the advantage of growing up on the Hellmouth. I mean, she's spent her whole real life here, even though she has memories of before.

"You don't think it's cool." It's a statement. Dawn's expression shows she doesn't understand.

"Well, it'll be difficult. Not for you, you didn't hurt him. But, we've got a lot of things to work through before we'll be even remotely comfortable with each other again. I'm not sure we ever will be."

"I know there're some things you need to talk about, but you'll get through it. I mean, you've forgiven him for what happened upstairs, haven't you?"

"Well, not so much forgiven him, as I understand why it happened. And it was as much my fault as it was his. So, maybe not so much to forgive. We weren't doing each other any good. But, I treated him so badly. I almost destroyed him. And all he did to deserve that was to love me."

"He's forgiven you." Dawn sounds confident.

"I'm not sure…."

"Read the letter. He thinks he's to blame for what happened. He doesn't blame you. You'll get over it."

I wish I could share her confidence. I really do. She's right, the letter implies that the only one in need of forgiveness is him. My own need for forgiveness is too great to be ignored, and I know that nothing will ever be right between Spike and me until that need has been answered. I discover that the prospect of having him around and things not being ok between us is awful. To have him close and not have his friendship - that would be more than I could bear. Anya's words come back to haunt me. 'You love him,' she told me. I flinched when she said the words. I know I care about him, care deeply. But love? I didn't think so, but if I don't, why did Anya's words shake me. I mean, the bit about being a demon shook me up, but her statement that I love Spike didn't exactly leave me feeling calm and collected. It's too hard to figure out right now, so I give up and stare at the other mail for a few moments before moving to open the letter from Giles.

I read the first few lines several times before they start to make sense. Dawn's getting impatient, so she starts to read over my shoulder.

"They're coming back." Her voice shows no pleasure in the fact. "Willow and Giles. Look, she's got to stay with him. I'm glad. I don't want her back in the house, Buffy."

I'm surprised. We've talked a lot about Willow, especially just afterwards, but I just assumed she would come back here. It never occurred to me that Dawn wouldn't want that."

"Why?" I ask, genuinely mystified.

"Because she nearly killed me once, then she tried to do it again!"

"But that was just because of Tara."

"The first time wasn't. That happened because she was trying to show that Tara was wrong about her using too much magic. That was all Willow."

I realise she's right. I try to understand her point of view. "What about Spike? You're glad he's coming back, but he tried to kill me more than once."

"Yeah, Spike's different. Killing's what vampires do, but then he learned not to do it. Willow knew she was doing wrong, but it didn't stop her."

"It was only the chip, Dawn. That's what stopped Spike killing."

She looks at me with the "I don't believe I could possibly have a sister as dumb as you," look that she's perfected lately. "The chip only made him realise he didn't have to kill. If he turned up without it, he still wouldn't kill."

"You sound very sure."

"I am. He loves you, and he loves me. I think he even cared about Tara, and he always liked Anya. You don't start to get feelings like that for people you're going to eat."

I'm really not sure. I mean, she's got a point, and before he left, Spike could have killed me. I mean, the chip didn't work with me. He could have finished what he started upstairs, or at least tried to. He didn't. But what about other people? Without the chip, surely he'd go back to feeding on others. Even as I think that, I know I'm wrong. I'm spouting the world according to Xander, and I cringe inwardly when I realise it.

Dawn's still watching me. It's like she can read my thoughts, and it's making me uncomfortable. It's kinda like the way he always made me feel uncomfortable when he told me what was going on in my own head.

I pull myself together and go back to Giles' letter. They're due back in a little over a week, just after school starts. According to the letter, they're trying to get Willow back into school as soon as possible.

I'm still looking at the letter when I hear Xander coming in. I grab Spike's, stuffing it into my pocket. I still don't know what to think about Spike coming back, but I do know I don't want to hear Xander's opinion on it. Not yet.

Xander launches into a tirade of nonsense, and unusually, Dawn escapes upstairs. She's rarely as obvious as that this early in the evening, so I suppose she's going upstairs to think about things. I really wish I could do the same thing.

There's a brittleness to Xander's light-hearted behaviour. There has been since I told him I'd met Anya. I considered not mentioning it, but the last thing he needs right now is to think I'm not there for him. I don't want to think of things as a 'him or her' situation, but I suspect that's how Xander sees things. The problem is, I can see both sides. I know how hurt Anya was by Xander leaving her at the altar, and I know how upset Xander was by Anya agreeing to relinquish her humanity. I know Xander's being stupid about that, but I can hardly blame him after my actions last year, now can I? And that's ignoring the whole Spike/Anya thing. I remember how hurt I was by that. It cut me deep, and I'm surprised how sad I feel even now. But I can't love Spike, can I?

I show him the letter from Giles. He brightens noticeably as he reads, genuinely glad at the prospect of having Willow back. He seems surprised Giles hadn't told him when he last phoned, but then realises he hasn't phoned in a week. He doesn't say so, but I know he means he hasn't phoned Giles since he's known Anya's in Sunnydale. I'll certainly be glad to have Giles back, but Dawn's attitude is going to make things difficult with Willow. I push that thought to the back of my mind as something to worry about later. I go to put some dinner together, and Xander heads upstairs to finish the decorating.

It's later, and I'm patrolling. Dinner was strained, and I was really glad to escape. Dawn's vehement tones informing us that she doesn't need a babysitter might have something to do with that, and my agreement to be back early persuaded Xander to go home.

I no sooner get to the first cemetery on my route tonight when I know I'm not alone. It's the tingle that could only ever mean Spike. I look around, but don't spot him. Perhaps he thinks I can't sense him.

I come across a couple of fledglings, and dispatch them easily. I know Spike's around, but he doesn't show himself. He's obviously decided to watch from the distance. I shrug, almost glad. I'm not ready to meet him yet, even though I know it's just cowardice.

An hour later and it's been quiet, when I hear something off in the shadows. I had been close to calling it a night, but I don't like unidentified sounds. Suddenly there's a huge demon in front of me. Behind it is the remains of something I assume is human. It seems to have been largely eaten, and it takes all my experience as a Slayer to stop my stomach from heaving. I've not seen a demon like this before. It's over eight feet tall, and I don't want to guess how heavy it is. It's green and scaly, and it's got horns and claws and a tail with vicious spikes. I suspect a stake won't make much impression on it, so I go for wearing it down with kicks and punches.

I no sooner start, than I know I'm no longer alone. There's a blonde haired, dark clad figure fighting alongside me, and for once, the thought that he's getting in my way seems anything but appropriate. We fight together, between us not giving the creature time to rest between attacks.

Time goes by, and I'm getting tired. I guess the summer's been too kind to me, and I've lost some of my fitness. Spike seems to be slowing too, but the demon is still attacking at what seems like full force. It's using its assets well, and I've already got a number of nasty gashes down my arms from its claws. Spike jumps to attack, giving me a second to think, and I decide to go around its back. No sooner have I done it, than I realise it's a mistake. That huge barbed tail swings at me, faster than I'd have thought possible. I'm desperate to get out of the way, but it's just too quick. I feel several sharp, stabbing pains as the barbed tail cuts into my flesh before darkness overtakes me.

I wake up slowly, pain everywhere. I try to open my eyes, but the light level in the room is too bright, so I close them quickly. I'm vaguely aware that someone is cleaning my wounds, being so gentle, yet the pain's still too much. I give way to the urge to simply not feel that pain any more.

I don't know how much later it is when I try to open my eyes again. The pain seems less severe now, and the light seems less bright. I can just make out Dawn's face close to mine, and it breaks into a smile as I look at her. She shouts that I'm waking, and someone approaches from behind. It's Spike. I close my eyes again, unwilling to meet his, but I hear Dawn's voice.

"She's awake, Spike. She'll be ok. Now, will you let me get you cleaned up?"

I don't hear the response, it's muffled, but it must be a negative, because Dawn continues.

"Spike, she's the Slayer. She'll be fine in no time. And you can't do it yourself. Looking at the way your shirt's ripped, and judging from the amount of blood on it, you've got a bad injury to your back. I don't believe you can bandage that yourself. And your face looks like you went ten rounds with Glory. Sit down and let me clean you up."

I'm amazed at my sister. Her tone brooks no argument, and I hear Spike muttering something under his breath about a bossy chit. It almost makes me smile. I try to sit up, but think better of it when a huge wave of pain engulfs me. It's only then that I realise that my worst injury is somewhere on my front. I don't remember that. I put a hand down gingerly, but find I've been bandaged. The bandage is damp, and I lift a finger to my eyes and open them slightly. I'm obviously still bleeding. I wonder how long it is since I've been injured.

The sounds from the other side of the room indicate that Spike suspects Dawn of being none too gentle. I try to peek at them, but find it difficult to focus more than a foot away. I give up the attempt, and try to relax into the comfortable surface I find myself on.

I think I must have slept or passed out again or something, because it seems that instantly, Dawn's hovering over me, calling my name. I open my eyes again, and I'm surprised at the concern on her face. I'm the Slayer, I've been injured more times than I can count. I've got super healing, so nothing keeps me down for long.

"What's up?" I manage to ask.

"Buffy, thank goodness. You've been out for so long, I was getting scared."

"How long?" I ask.

"Three hours, I think. It was just after midnight when I started to get Spike cleaned up, and it's half past three. Spike's gone out. He said he thought he knew what you needed, and went out to get some. He didn't say what."

I try to take in this information, but find it difficult to understand. I can't do the arithmetic, but I know I've been unconscious for a long time. I'm almost worried too, but Dawn's face fades from view.

I'm dreaming. At least, I think I'm dreaming. Whatever's going on, nothing seems entirely rational, so I assume - dream. I'm in a strange room. Someone's holding me up, making me sit up, but the pain's overpowering, and I just want to lie back down. Then, someone's putting a cup to my lips. The prospect of drinking anything is unwelcome, but I get a whiff of the liquid and force my eyes open to look at it. It's red and slightly viscous and my worst fear is confirmed. It's blood. Someone's trying to force me to drink blood. There are voices, and they're encouraging me to drink. The voices are familiar, and I'm trying to work out whose voices they are so I can get them to stop trying to feed me blood.

I realise one of them is Dawn, and she's begging me to drink. She's crying, I can see her face now, and I can see that I've spilled some of the blood on her T-shirt. Or, maybe it's mine. She's begging me to just drink it, and I think, well, it's just a dream. I take a sip. It's not nearly as bad as I expected, so I take another sip. This time, it's better, almost like it's just what my body's craving, so I take a longer drink. Dawn's encouraging me, telling me to finish it, so I do, listening to her voice, telling me I'll get better soon. When the cup is drained, I flop back on my pillow, and I suspect for the first time that I'm not dreaming. The thought is lost in the need to close my eyes and forget.

When I next open my eyes, I'm at home, in my own bed. On the chair next to the bed, Dawn is sleeping. I stir, and she's awake instantly. She smiles when she sees I'm awake, and asks, "How're you feeling?"

"Not sure," I reply, honestly. I do a mental check. Pain - yes, all over, but particularly around my stomach. Nausea - a little, but nothing too serious. Confusion - lots.

"What happened?" I ask.

"You don't remember?"

"Not sure. I remember some things, but I'm not sure whether or not I was dreaming."

"Ok, well, it was Monday night and you went out to patrol. Fortunately, we'd sent Xander home early, or there would have been big trouble. You were attacked - by a Vargas demon, Spike said."

"Spike?"

"Yeah, he saved your life. Well, anyway, the Vargas knocked you out, perforated you good too, then it decided to try some Slayer meat. That's when you got the injury to your front. Spike managed to kill it while it was concentrating on eating you. He's not very clear on what he did. He took you to his flat, and called me. He got Clem to bring me to his new place, and it's really cool, you know?"

"So, what else?" I ask, trying to get her back to the point. I'm starting to think I haven't been dreaming at all.

"Well, it's Tuesday, late afternoon. You've been unconscious most of the time. Most of your injuries are already healing, but the big one, it just kept bleeding. Spike did some research - he's got this really cool laptop, and he went online to find out about Vargas demons. Anyway, it turns out their saliva's got something in it to make sure it's victims' blood doesn't clot, so they just bleed to death. It also looked like you were getting some sort of infection in the wound. Spike said he knew what might help, and went out. It took him a couple of hours to track down some blood in the middle of the night, but he brought it back, …"

I know what's coming. "And you made me drink it?"

She nods. "And it stopped the bleeding almost right away. You've still been out of it for a long time, but, a couple of hours ago, we decided you were well enough for us to bring you home. We put you in the back of Spike's car, and he carried you upstairs."

It's all too much. I know there's something very odd about what she's just said, but it's too much effort to think about it. I can feel my eyes closing again. As I do so, she adds, "I called into work for you, so they're not expecting you tomorrow. Spike went home. He thought you wouldn't want him to still be here when you woke up. I told him to stay, but he wouldn't listen. He said to call if you need anything."

I drift off to sleep, her words still filtering into my brain after I know I must already be asleep. The voice fades to silence, and everything is quiet.

I get back to my flat and fall down on the sofa. I'm exhausted, and it's got very little to do with the fact that I haven't slept for over a day. My clothes are filthy and blood stained, and I know I need a shower, but I simply have no energy.

I nearly lost her again. I thought I had. When I checked the data on Vargas demons, I nearly lost hope. A bite from one of those beasts is invariably fatal. For a human, and most other demons, death would occur within a couple of hours from a combination of blood loss and infection. There's even a suspicion that there's some sort of toxin in the saliva, but no one's ever survived an attack before, and there's just no data. I was so beside myself with worry about her that I almost didn't remember what the glowing child had told me. She needed blood. In the end, I know that was the only thing that saved her.

I have absolutely no idea how I killed the Vargas. I just remember her falling down, unconscious, and then that thing trying to take a bite. I assume I went mad in some way, the idea that something like that could think of eating my Slayer caused something in me to break. The next thing I knew, I was lying underneath the Vargas, and I'd managed to break its neck.

I squirmed from under its body, and ran to Buffy. I thought I was too late at first. She was hardly breathing. I picked her up and ran to my flat as fast as I could. It was the closest place I could think of. I considered taking her to hospital, but something told me they wouldn't be able to help her.

I did my best to clean up her wounds, but I just couldn't stop the bleeding. I called Dawn so she knew what was happening, and got Clem to bring her over. He was surprised to hear from me, but he's a good mate. He knew not to ask questions.

Buffy seemed to improve a bit once she'd been cleaned up, but the bite was still bleeding. Then her temperature started to go up, and I knew she was in trouble. I think that bit got to Dawn too. That was when I started to find out what I could about the Vargas demon. I really didn't like what I discovered. Somehow, I remembered about the blood. I went out. Didn't like leaving Dawn like that, but I didn't know what else to do. I mean, Clem's a good mate, but not exactly your knight in shining armour. I suppose I could've called Xander, but he'd have wanted to move her right away, and I couldn't let him do that. And Dawn didn't want him either.

It took me longer than I thought. I wanted human blood, and Willy was out of it. I had to do a round of various establishments around Sunnydale before I got hold of a couple of pints of it.

I thought it'd take a while to persuade Dawn that Buffy needed to drink the stuff. When she saw what I had brought back, I think she thought it was for me. For some reason, the chit just trusts me. I explained what I had been told, and she agreed. Just like that.

Buffy was delirious by then, and she didn't want to drink. But then, if she hadn't been delirious, she still wouldn't have wanted to drink, and there would have been no way we could have forced it.

Within half an hour of her drinking the blood, Buffy was noticeably better. Her temperature was pretty much back to normal, the bleeding had stopped, and she was sleeping deeply. Once we were sure she was really getting better, Dawn and I got her back to her own bed. It just seemed the simplest thing to do. I mean, according to Dawn, Xander would be arriving later, and he'd be worried if the house was empty. Then there was the basic fear of seeing her, or more exactly, of her seeing me. I just couldn't bear to see that look of hate on her face. So, I took her home. There was a time when I'd have killed anyone who suggested I was afraid. But this is one fear I'll admit to anyone.

I prise myself out of the chair and go upstairs to shower. I spend a long time under the spray, allowing it to wash away not only the dirt, but the feeling of helplessness I felt when I thought I was losing her again.

When I'm clean and dressed, I call. I'm ready to hang up if Xander answers, but I hear Dawn's voice.

"How is she?" I ask.

"Better," she answers, her voice much less tense than the last time I spoke to her. "She woke up a while ago, and she talked a bit. She was a bit vague about what happened, but I think she'll be ok."

I hear a voice in the background, and I know whose it is.

"Dawn, is that him? Give it to me."

Dawn hurriedly says goodbye, and hangs up. I can just imagine Xander's reaction to my being back, and I know I deserve it. It's just that I don't want to hear it from him.

I go to the kitchen, and find myself some beer. I wish I'd bought something stronger. I take it back to the lounge, and start to drink.

I must have fallen asleep. I wake up later, maybe not much later, shaking as a result of the dream I'd been having. It was last night again, but this time, after I killed the Vargas, I finished off what he'd started. I drank her blood, feeling the potent Slayer blood filling my veins, healing my own injuries instantly. I held her in my arms as I drained her, as I felt her heart slow, then stop. In the dream, I walked away from her ravaged body, uncaring that I'd killed her, that my demon had finally won the battle.

I sit there, on my sofa, my body shaking, and sobs racking me. I feel the urge to just get out of her life. I hate what I've done, to her and to others. I hate what I'm capable of doing. I may not need blood to survive any more, but I know that blood will give me something human food simply can't. The urge to feed is still there. The chip turned to dust with my other body, and there's nothing to stop me from killing. Nothing but me. And her blood would be special. I know it would be better than anything else I could have. I feel the demon within me urging me to take the chance, to taste the nectar that runs in her veins. I'm filled with self-loathing, as I struggle to repress those feelings.

If Buffy's like me, how is it she can keep her demon under control? I know, she doesn't have the history of feeding, she doesn't know the high that comes with draining someone's lifeblood. Last year, when we were shagging, I tried to make her see that she belonged in the dark with me. She was like me then, but she kept it under control, managed to walk away from me, even though I know she wanted me.

How can she be so strong when I'm so weak? I laugh mirthlessly at the question. Answer's simple. Because she's Buffy, she's strong, and she loves with her whole self. She's good. I mean, she can do things that aren't good, but that isn't her. I'm not like her. I'm evil. Deep down, I'm evil, a waste of space. I don't deserve her, and I don't deserve Dawn.

I remember how she hugged me when it was obvious Buffy had turned the corner. It felt so good. Human contact, an innocent young girl putting her arms around me, holding me close, thanking me for helping her sister. When I think how easily I could have changed that act, made it something nasty and evil, I'm sobbing again.

I feel like I'm lost. I'm stuck here in Sunnydale, put here by a glowing child who doesn't know me, doesn't know what I'm capable of. She can't. She wants me here to keep Dawn safe, but I'm the one most likely to harm her. I wish death was as easy as a walk in the sunshine now. If it were, I'd be going for a walk right about now.

"Xander, just stop!" I'm shouting at him. He's got this look of total disbelief on his face, and I really want to hit him.

"Why didn't you let me talk to him? He needs to know to stay away from both of you. Tell me where he is, and I'll make sure he never bothers either of you again."

"If it hadn't been for Spike tonight, Buffy would be dead! Is that what you want?"

"And I'll bet, if it hadn't been for Spike tonight, Buffy wouldn't have been hurt. How do you know he didn't do that? Or that he didn't get one of his demon friends to do it?"

"He just didn't, ok? You can ask Buffy when she's better, but if all you're going to do is complain about Spike, then maybe you'd better just go."

His expression changes from one of anger to one of bewilderment and hurt.

"How can you take his side in this? Remember what he tried to do before he left? You can't forgive him for that. Buffy never will."

"She has, or at least, she says there's as much for him to forgive as there is for her."

He obviously doesn't believe me.

"Look, Dawn, I know you think Spike was your friend, but he showed otherwise. He tried to rape Buffy. Maybe when you're older you'll understand just how low that makes him. But you've got to know that you can never trust him again."

I know I'm shaking my head, but I'm also having problems making my voice work. He thinks I'm just a child, that I can't understand why rape is so wrong. Somehow I find my voice.

"You've never asked Buffy about that, have you? Do you know why it happened?"

"It happened because Buffy wouldn't have him any more. He wanted more of what he was getting before. He wanted to hurt her. There's nothing to understand."

"You haven't got a clue. If you knew how things were between them, you'd know why it happened. It wasn't right, but it was understandable. He was trying to make her admit to loving him. Maybe not the best way to go about it, but the last thing he wanted to do was hurt her. Unlike Buffy. She'd hurt him again and again, and he just took it. Even when he knew he could hurt her, he didn't."

"Dawn, he's a demon! He can't feel hurt. He can't feel love. It doesn't matter what happened to him, only what he tried to do to Buffy, and I'm going to make sure he never touches her again, so tell me where he is."

I shake my head. He moves closer to me, trying to put a hand on my shoulder. I flinch, not sure what he's going to do. Xander's been around what seems like my whole life, and I've never thought of being afraid of him before. He drops his hand and looks at me.

"I wouldn't hurt you, Dawn. How could you think I would? I'm not Spike."

"Maybe that's why," I answer, and I immediately regret it. He's so hurt, but it's just that he's so angry.

"Look, Xander, I know you wouldn't hurt me, well, not on purpose anyway. But, if you hurt Spike, it'll hurt me, and Buffy too. Leave him alone."

I walk away from him and go to check on Buffy. She's sleeping, and I sit beside her and hold her hand. I hear the front door slamming, and I know he's gone. He's so stubborn. He'll never believe any good about Spike.

I want to call Spike again. He's different. I mean, he went outside in daylight, and he told me he'd explain later. He felt warm, but when I asked him if he was human, he said he wasn't. That he'd explain later if I still wanted to know. I to hugged him. It's just so good to have him back. He still loves her, but he thinks she'll never forgive him. I didn't get the chance to tell him that she's spent the summer regretting what she did too. Later, I'll tell him later.

*-*-*

I hear the door slam behind me. I stand there for a few seconds, trying to pull myself together. Why can't Dawn understand? She's young, and she's trusting, but how can she trust Spike? After what he tried to do?

I shudder as I remember the look on her face when I tried to put a hand on her shoulder. It looked like she was afraid of me. Afraid of me! Yet she trusts … him. I think about that, and my temper rises again. She was talking to him. On the phone. I wonder if there's a record of the last call. I open the door quietly. There's no sound, and I creep inside. I feel guilty doing this, sneaking around like this, but it's for their own good. I walk to the phone, and check the number. Yes, it's there. I make a note of it and creep outside again.

If only Willow were here. She'd know how to get an address out of a phone number. I just hope it isn't a mobile. Then again, a mobile with a name would be helpful too. I remember someone at work. He's an odd sort, but I heard him boasting to the others that he could find out anything on the net. I wonder if he could get me the information I need. I head home and make a call.

"Course I can get it," he tells me. It doesn't look like a mobile number, just a regular local one. "I'll get back to you in a couple of hours. Then you can buy me a drink after work tomorrow."

"Sure," I promise him. I think that I'll do better than buy him a drink if he can get me an address that will let me put an end to Spike at last.

Good as his word, he calls later and gives me the address. Says the name is William Prescott. I smile to myself. I arm myself with some stakes, and a cross bow I've been keeping here for my own protection. I think about how Buffy will approve of what I'm going to do for her. It's the one chance I've got to prove to her that she needs me. She still needs me. I'm one of the Scoobies - the only one left with Tara dead and Willow and Giles gone. Giles will approve, too.

I arrive at the address, double check the number and go and knock at the door. I consider kicking it down, but there's always the possibility that there's been a mistake, so I take it cautiously. I wait a while, and there's no reply. I start to think about heading back to my car to watch the place, when the door opens. It's him.

For a second I'm frozen by the knowledge that I'm about to get one of my dearest wishes. Then, I decide to make the most of my opportunity. It won't be nearly so much fun if he doesn't know it's coming, if he doesn't know how much Buffy will approve of what I'm doing. "Going to invite me in, then?" I ask.

He doesn't speak, just steps aside to let me in. He looks different. I'm not sure what it is, exactly. Maybe there's less of that cocky self confidence about him. It doesn't matter. He's still an evil soulless monster who's going to die for what he's done to Buffy.

He turns his back on me as he walks into the lounge. I can't believe he'd be so stupid as to turn his back on me. I mean, he knows I hate him. I hope he knows that I know about what happened before he left. I'm curious, so I follow him. He leads me into a lounge. It's furnished, but somehow bare. After his crypt with all its candles, this just doesn't seem like Spike.

"What do you want, Whelp?" he asks, turning to face me.

"What do you think, Spike? I've come to give you what you deserve."

I pull a stake from my pocket, and to my surprise he grins. It's not a happy grin.

"And what are you going to do with that?" he asks.

"I'm going to turn you into a pile of dust. I'm going to take you out of their lives, once and for all. Did you really think you could just come back like nothing had happened. You've worn out your welcome with the Summers family. Buffy's going to be so relieved when I tell her you've taken up residence in the vacuum cleaner."

He shakes his head. "Wish it was that easy," he mutters, and I don't understand. But that doesn't matter. I've got a job to do, and I thrust the stake towards his heart.

Lightning fast, his hand whips out and stops me. He twists my wrist, hurting me until I drop the stake. I look at him as comprehension dawns. The chip. It's gone.

"The penny drops," he snarks. "Spike's new and improved."

I know my chin has dropped to my chest, and I try to cover.

I try to hit him, but again he's too fast. I'm surprised. He's blocking me, and he's not being too gentle about it, but he's not actually trying to hurt me. I bolt for the door, deciding to even the odds a little. I left the cross bow in the car, deciding to take the pleasure of staking him up close and personal. Time for plan B.

I run for the car, retrieving the bow out of the trunk. I run back, surprised he hasn't made any attempt to close the door, and I go inside. He hasn't moved at all. He's still standing where I left him, his face a picture of anguish. Good, I think. He knows what's going to happen, and he's not liking it at all. I aim the bow, and let it fly.

Bullseye. I got his heart, I'm sure I did. I stand and watch, waiting to see him explode into dust. Funny, it doesn't normally seem to take this long. His hands go to the bolt lodged in his chest, and I see blood seeping out from around the wound. I've staked a fair few vampires in my time, and I've never seen one bleed. He should be dust by now. He should be.

Spike pulls the bolt from his chest, grunting with pain and effort. He walks past me as I stand stupefied in his hallway, and goes to a cupboard and pulls out a towel. He uses it to hold against his wound which is bleeding heavily. It almost looks like he's got circulation.

He seems to crumple then. Somehow, as if in slow motion, his legs bend, and he falls to the floor. I'm scared. This isn't how I pictured things at all. It's as if he's …. Human. I've never killed a human - at least, not on purpose. My hands are shaking. I walk to him, half expecting a trick. Either that or expecting him to turn into dust.

He seems to be breathing. It's a laboured breathing. Like every one is a major effort. I lean closer, and he's whispering something to me.

"Bloody hell, either finish the job, or help me get to bed."

I don't know which to do, but in those circumstances, I do what Xander always does. I decide to do what can be undone later. I help him to his feet and let him point towards the direction of his bed.

The bed is covered with a blood-stained sheet. I realise absently that it must be Buffy's blood. I lay him down, and stand, unsure what to do. Spike seems happy to just lie there, although he's obviously in a lot of pain. I spot the sunshine on his body, and stare at it stupidly for a while. I know I already had a hint, with the total lack of dustiness and everything, but somehow that sight makes it clearer. Whatever's happened to him, he's not a vampire any more.

I look around the room and spot a box with bandages and such lying on the other side from the bed. I think absently that it must be left over from tending Buffy's injuries. I pull it over beside the bed, and sit down to look at the damage.

Spike looks at me as I approach. "What're you doing Harris? Just get the hell out of here if you're not going to finish me."

I ignore him and start to rip his T-shirt so I can see the damage. His hand grips mine before I can get any further, his grip surprisingly strong.

"I said get out."

"No," I reply. "I don't know what's happened to you, but I don't kill humans. So, I'm going to out this right."

"I'm not a soddin' human!" he growls, but his voice is losing power.

"You can tell me that later," I answer. "For now, let me sort you out."

He seems to drift away at that. Not that he's unconscious, it's just as if he's no longer in residence. I almost smile at the idea that my helping him is probably hurting him more than my trying to kill him. Surprisingly, the thought isn't entirely happy.

Once his T-shirt is out of the way, I can see the injury. It's deep, but it doesn't seem to be bleeding too much now. As I'm cleaning it, I wonder about the strapping that is covering his stomach and shoulder. When his chest wound is bandaged, I turn him over. I'm surprised he doesn't stop me, but he just lies there, letting me do what I want.

His back's been heavily bandaged. What I saw on the front is only the tip of the iceberg. His face was a mess when I arrived. I didn't stop to think about it then, I mean, it was just Spike, wasn't it?

I start to realise that either what Dawn said was true, and he really did almost get himself killed trying to save Buffy, or it's all a story and he's half killed himself in the interests of authenticity. I have to admit, even for Spike, that the second possibility seems unlikely.

I roll him back over, and he's still staring ahead, blankly. "Anything else I can do?" I ask him.

His eyes focus on me, and I'm not sure what I'm seeing. If I didn't know better, I'd think it was self-loathing.

"Just go away, Harris. You did your duty, helped the poor, injured monster. Just leave me alone."

I nod, realising I've done what I can. I leave and go to my car, shutting the door to the flat behind me. Once I'm in the car, I consider what to do. Should I call Dawn, get her to come and check on him? No, I decide. It doesn't matter what he is, human or not, he still tried to rape Buffy. Sooner or later, they'll realise he's evil, and send him packing.

I drive home, checking the streets as I drive. It's been like this since Buffy told me she met Anya. I scan the streets for any sign of her. I know she and Buffy had words, that something was said, but Buffy wouldn't tell me what it was about. I thought at first, Buffy had told Anya to get out, to leave me alone. I thought maybe she'd have done for me what I've always tried to do for her. To look after her, to protect her from demons. Now, I'm not so sure. I feel like my whole life just doesn't make sense any more.

My best friend, a human with a soul, tried to end the world.

A demon tried to rape my other closest friend, and her sister trusts him, and acts like she's afraid of me.

I try to finish the vampire, try to make them safe, and it looks like he's human.

The woman I love chose to become a demon. She chose to become something I can only hate.

I come to the conclusion I'm totally screwed up. My life's a mess, and I don't know what to do about it. Maybe I should just shut myself away for a while. I just don't know what else I can do. I start to laugh, and I know it's not happy, not healthy. I keep driving, not heading home, just driving, without any idea of where I should go. I need to get away. I need to go to where I can understand, where humans don't care about demons. Where vampires turn to dust when they're staked. Where teenage girls don't flinch when I try to touch them.

I waken slowly. I'm in pain, but it's bearable. I pull myself up to a sitting position and note that I'm in my own bed. I shake my head a little. I expected to be somewhere else, I think. Not sure.

I throw my legs over the side of the bed, and manage to stand up. I note with some surprise that I'm wearing a T-shirt. Royal blue. I know for a fact that I don't own one like it. If it were black, I'd think it was Spike's.

Slowly it's coming back to me. He was there, when I was attacked. That part was real. I flit through my other recent memories, trying to work out if they were real or not.

He was there. Or at least, I was there. I mean, not here. Spike was looking after me. Dawn was there too. Dawn. I wonder where she is. I get up and go to the door.

She must have been close by, because by the time I open the door, she's there. She looks pleased, then the smile disappears as she tells me to get back to bed.

"You shouldn't be up yet."

"Ok," I agree, realising I'm too tired to argue. "I'll go back to bed on one condition. You've got to tell me what happened. I seem to remember some things that don't make sense."

She agrees, and I climb back into bed. Dawn fusses, plumping up some pillows to put behind me, then sits down.

"Start with what day it is," I tell her.

"Ok, it's Wednesday," she replies, matter of factly.

"And, I got injured on …. "

"Monday."

She continues with the basics, and I vaguely remember her telling me much of this before. She gets to the point where Spike carried me to his car.

"Wait a minute," I ask. "It must have been daylight then. How could Spike carry me to his car?"

"Don't know. He said he's different, but there wasn't time to tell me the whole thing. He promised to tell me later."

"Is he human?" I ask, my breath almost stopping. I dread the answer. After what Anya told me, that I'm a demon, the possibility that he's human is just too much. It's almost exactly what I deserve after what I did, what I said to him.

"He said he wasn't. He didn't say what he was, though. Again with the promise of later. And, we were both so worried about you that later seemed good."

"And he fed me blood."

"Yeah. Believe me, it was, well, eugh. But, you were so ill. I've never known you to have a fever, and you were so hot. We both thought you were going to die, then he said you needed something, and brought some blood."

"I remember. I thought it was a dream, or I'd never have drunk it. Was it just blood or did he put anything in it?"

"Just blood, I think. We were so scared, I don't think there was time to think about adding anything. Why?"

"Just, it didn't taste too bad. Somehow, it seemed ok. Like the way it feels when you're tired and you overdose on sugar, you know?"

She nodded and I try to think some more.

"So, it was, what, yesterday when I came back here. What happened then?"

"Well, Xander came round. He was really not pleased when I told him that Spike had saved you. Then Spike called, to see how you were doing, and Xander heard me talking to him. And he got mad, and I got madder. He left, and hasn't been back."

"What about Spike? Has he been back?"

"No," she replied, and her face made it obvious that she was surprised. "He hasn't called, either."

"Was he ok? I mean, was he injured?"

"He was pretty badly cut up, but it seemed to be healing."

The same thought hits us both at the same time. Dawn is the one who speaks. "What if he got some of that demon saliva on him, but it didn't react right away?"

I pull myself out of bed, and start to get dressed. This time, Dawn doesn't argue.

"Go and see if you can get us a cab," I tell her. There's a number by the phone. Do you know the address?"

"I can do better than that," she replies. "I'll call Clem. He promised to help if he could, and he's got transport."

Fifteen minutes later, we're on our way. I can hardly believe how quickly Clem arrived. It was like he was waiting for our call. He stops outside, but doesn't want to come in.

"You're his friend," I remind him. "More of a friend than I've ever been."

He shakes his head. "He won't want me around if you're there."

"Dawn's coming in too," I remind him. "And, if there's something wrong, we might need you."

Somehow, this does the trick. He nods, and we approach the door. Knocking gets no response, so I try the door. It's unlocked, and I walk in cautiously. Dawn looks at me worriedly as I flinch, and I throw her a reassuring smile. I've been the Slayer long enough to know there's nothing wrong with me a couple of days won't completely cure.

We haven't gone very far in when we see it. Blood. I start at the sight of it, and Dawn says, "It could be yours, you were bleeding a lot."

I can tell she's trying to reassure herself. We follow the bloodstains to a room down the hallway. I'm in the lead, with Dawn behind me, and a very nervous Clem at the back. I look at the bed, and there he is. He opens his eyes, and immediately closes them. I see his chest rise as he takes a deep breath.

"Niblet, what've you brought her here for? She should be in bed."

I've reached the bed now, and I can see he's been bandaged. The bandage is dry, so I know it's not still bleeding. Dawn reaches the bed, and takes a look.

"What happened?" she demands. "You didn't have anything there. Who did that?"

She's pointing to the bandages on his chest, just over his heart. My breath catches in my throat as I realise. Someone tried to stake him. Dawn comes to the same conclusion, and goes a stage further.

"It was Xander, wasn't it? He tried to stake you. But how did he know where to find you?"

Spike's eyes open again, and I can see the pain in them.

"Anything we can do?" I ask.

He pulls himself up, wincing a little, but with remarkable ease considering the way he looks.

"I'll be fine," he tells me. He looks away, he can't meet my eyes. I know just how he feels.

"Look, Buffy,…" he starts. His eyes are sparkling, and I see they're filling up. It's only then I realise mine are too.

"Don't say it," I tell him. "We'll talk, but not today. When we're both …. Better. It was Xander, wasn't it?" I don't know how I know, but I do.

He knows that I know, so he doesn't deny it. "He had every right. Stupid git just didn't finish it. When I didn't turn into dust, he lost it. Ran scared. Even bandaged me up. I hurt you…."

I don't let him finish. It seems like I've been here before. Looking at his bruised and bloody face, I remember another time so clearly. That night in the alley. The night I took out all my fears on him. Hitting him while he just absorbed everything I gave him. I left him there, not caring whether he was able to get to shelter before sunrise. A definite low point in my life. I remember another time. In so many ways, a happier time. I close the remaining distance between us, and plant a chaste kiss on his lips. Even his reaction is the same as that first kiss that wasn't magically induced. There's none of the recent Spike here. He'd have turned the kiss from innocence to passion in a moment. This Spike just takes it, and the look on his face as I step back is just like the other time I remember. After Glory. His face just looks astonished. Awe-struck.

I turn to Clem. "I think I'm upsetting him, and he doesn't need that. We've both got new jobs starting in a few days, and we've got a lot of healing to do. Can you make sure he's ok? That he's got what he needs? If there's anything we can do, just ask."

Clem agrees, as I knew he would. I turn back to Spike.

"We'll talk, Spike, if you want to. As soon as you're better, or whenever you want. I'll …. I'll understand if you don't want to. I mean, … I'm sorry too."

I take Dawn's arm in mine, and we leave. We're going to have to walk or get a cab home, but I don't care. He doesn't need me around right now. I'm the last person he needs, and it hurts to realise that. He's not just hurting physically, there's so much more than that, and I know it's my fault. I wish I could just put it right, but I know I can't. It'll take time, and it'll only happen if he lets me in. I'm not sure he ever will, not now.

I consider calling Xander when we get back, but I'm just too tired. And I'm not sure what I can say to him anyway. I'm angry. I know he thought he was doing the right thing, but he's so blind where Spike's concerned, there's no way I could change his mind.

I head back to bed instead, dreading Xander's arrival later. I need sleep, peaceful sleep.

Fat chance. Hours later, and all I've managed are fitful dozes. Every time I close my eyes, I see him, see that look on his face. He's broken, and I did it. I'm angry with Xander for trying to kill him, but what I did was so much worse. I ruined him from the inside out. I took away everything he was, told him it was worthless. Whatever's happened to him, whatever's changed, it hasn't healed the damage I did. I doubt anything could.

Dawn comes up a while later, bringing some soup for me. She's trying so hard. I suspect she's actually enjoying this stint of being in charge, of looking after me. I sit up carefully, and sip the soup slowly. It's tomato flavour, and it looks eerily familiar. I find the idea that it could be blood remarkably un-repulsive. I put that down to simple hunger.

"Xander's late," Dawn tells me.

"Is he?" I ask, checking the clock. She's right. He's normally here by now. I must have slept in the end, it's later than I thought.

"Maybe I should call him," I think aloud.

"No," Dawn is adamant. "Let him stew a while. He'll be so much easier to terrify if he's been thinking about a run in with a Slayer for a day or two."

I smile at Dawn's summation of Xander's character. I wonder at the changes I've seen in her relationship with him. It's almost like she's outgrown him. I consider my sister for a few moments, and realise that's the most likely reason. Suddenly, in comparison to the young woman sitting beside me, Xander seems impossibly immature.

The doorbell rings, and Dawn jumps up.

"Talk of the devil," she quips, "Still, at least he knows he's not welcome enough to just walk in."

She goes downstairs. I'm almost sorry for Xander. I know what it's like being on the receiving end of Dawn's abrasive temper. And she's mad at him. She's been holding it in for my sake, but she's mad.

I'm surprised when I don't hear shouting. Next I hear footsteps approaching, and Dawn pokes her head around the door.

"Feel up to a visitor?"

She must see the expression on my face, so she adds, "No, it's not Xander, it's Anya."

Oh. Another person I need to apologise to. Not that I'm going to apologise to Xander, the other person is Spike. I nod towards Dawn, and she stands back to let Anya come in.

"Dawn said you were injured. I'm thinking it must've been a bad one to have you staying in bed."

"Moderately bad," I reply. "Anya, I'm…"

"Shhhh," she replies. "I scared you and you ran. It's rather complimentary after all. Not many demons get the chance to say they scared the Slayer."

I can feel myself flush with embarrassment. Graciousness isn't something I connect with Anya. She sits down beside the bed, and starts to talk. "I heard something about a Vargas. Asked around the demon community, and heard you'd been hurt. I also heard the Vargas is dead, and I came to congratulate you. I've never heard of one of those actually being killed. I mean, they die young, only live a few months. They're fascinating really. They hatch out of these huge eggs, grow quickly, mate and die of old age within six months. Not popular with the other demons, either. I mean, they're not fussy what sort of flesh they feed on. Anything that moves is fine by them. So, you've gained yourself a few points in the demon world. You'd earn even more if you were sure there wasn't a brood due to hatch soon."

Her words had come so fast, that I haven't had time to interrupt. While she pauses for breath, I take my chance.

"I didn't kill it."

She looks at me in surprise. "Then who?"

"Spike."

Wow, her turn to be surprised. "I thought, …" she starts.

"What?"

"It must have been wrong. I heard something, a rumour. It said Spike went to try and get a soul. He did it, too. He passed the trials, but when the soul was put into his body, he went 'poof', you know, turned all dusty. It was the talk of the demon bars for a day or two. I mean, demons who go looking for souls are rare. Those who actually pass the trials, they're, well, once every few years. There's never been a case like this. Except, it's obviously not true. Demon equivalent of the urban legend, I suppose. Are you sure you've seen Spike? I mean, the fever cause by a Vargas bite is bound to make you delirious."

"Dawn saw him too," I managed to squeeze in. I want to ask more questions, but she doesn't give me a chance.

"Oh, good. Well, I think it's good. I mean, …"

She stops, and I hope she's realising I was trying to speak.

"Wait, Anya. Stop. You said Spike went to get a soul?"

"Yeah. I didn't tell you before, because I thought he was gone, and I didn't see the point in upsetting you unnecessarily."

She carries on prattling, but I don't hear. I can't make sense of most of what she's told me, but that one fact has got me in a stranglehold. Spike went to get a soul. After everything he told me about Angel, how he hated what the soul did to him, how he was so broody, how he, Spike would never allow something like that to be done to him, he actually went to try to get a soul.

"Why?" I ask, and Anya stops her constant talking to register what I said.

"Why what?"

"Why did he want to get a soul?"

She looks like she's been taking lessons from Dawn. It's almost a perfect copy of her 'How stupid can you get?' look.

"Because he loves you. Because you couldn't love an evil, soulless demon. Because you could love Angel with his soul, even though without it, he couldn't care for you. Because he wants you to love him."

She's right, I know she is. I know he loved me, but to do that, to risk his life for the chance to make me love him, it's so stupid. And so Spike. He doesn't do anything half-measure. Anya is watching me, and I'd swear she could see the realisation hitting me.

"So, have you seen Xander?" The question sounds like it's been forced into the wrong conversation. I realise that it's the reason she's here. I mean, I'm sure she wanted to see how I was and all that, but, deep down, she wants to know about Xander.

"The day I got hurt, and the next day," I answer truthfully. At the thought of him, I remember what he tried to do. "He tried to dust Spike when he heard he was back. Dawn and he had a fight about Spike being here, and he left."

Anya's face paled at this news. "And?"

"Well, Spike's not a vampire any more. The wound bled, and it left him weak, but he's still with us. Clem's looking after him."

"Did you hurt him?"

Anya's face flickers as she says this, almost as if the vengeance demon part of her is trying to take over. I realise she still loves Xander. Despite everything he said, everything he's done, she loves him.

"No, I haven't seen him. I only found out about it earlier today, and Dawn and I went over."

"It's just, I wanted to see him. I went by his flat, but he wasn't there. He's not at work, he's not home, I thought he might be here."

"Would be, normally. He never came today. I assume he doesn't want to face me over what he did to Spike."

"Ok," she replies. "Look, if you hear from him, let me know? Please."

She hands me a card with her phone number on it.

"I don't know," I tell her. "I'm not sure Xander'd want to see you."

"Please," she almost begs, and I nod my head reluctantly.

"I've gotta go," she tells me, getting up from the bed. "I'll keep in touch."

With that, she disappeared in a minor flash of light. Teleportation's a really useful skill, I decide. And it must save a fortune in gas.

D-Day. Or should that be S-Day? As in S for school, or S for Spike. I dress carefully, conscious that the first impression I give should be of responsibility. Or something. I'm more nervous than I'd have thought. And it's not all to do with having a new job.

There's Spike, of course, and I feel butterflies in my stomach every time I think about seeing him again. Well, maybe butterflies isn't the best word. That implies seeing him is something to be looked for. It is, and yet it's also something I dread.

I've spoken to Clem a couple of times, and he's told me Spike's fine. I even sensed him with me as I patrolled for the first time last night. I didn't see him, but he was there. Fortunately I didn't meet anything that made it worth him showing himself. Still, it felt good, knowing he was there. Comforting. I didn't know how much I missed that until he came back.

Then there's Xander. No one's seen anything of him since the incident with Spike. He hasn't phoned into work, and he hasn't been home. The police don't want to know. He's an adult, and I'm not his wife, and he's entitled to go off if he wants. I was worried enough to call Anya and tell her. She has got the advantage of being able to teleport, after all. I mean, she gets an idea of where he might have been, and … she's there!

Willow's due back tomorrow. That's another interesting happening. I mean, I'm really looking forward to seeing her and Giles, but Dawn's no warmer at the prospect of seeing Willow than she was. It's going to be difficult. I hope Xander'll come back to see Willow. He knows she's due back.

I pull myself out of my thoughts with a wrench. Downstairs, I start to put breakfast together, and think about lunch for Dawn. I'm trying to persuade her to eat in the canteen, but no luck so far. She wants to 'check it out' first. I suppose she means she wants to see who else eats there before she commits herself to anything uncool. Was I as bad as that? Probably. How did Mom cope with me?

Fortunately, it's a short walk to school. We set off together, and I'm wondering how long that'll go on. How long it'll be before walking to school with a member of staff will be considered 'uncool'.

She's not saying a lot. I mean, it's a big deal. New school, new teachers, new kids. I do remember. I think about my first day at Sunnydale High School. I met Xander. And Willow. That pulls my mind back to wondering where he's gone, how she's coping, and I try to block those thoughts. It's not that I don't care, it's just that I've got too much that I care about. Sometimes, I just need to tune some of it out.

I leave Dawn with some friends, and go inside to the main office. There I'm met by the Principal's secretary who escorts me into a room where a number of other people are waiting.

"The Principal wants to talk to all of you, before you begin your duties. He covered teaching staff earlier."

As soon as I walk in, I know he's there. I sit in a free chair, and scan the room for him. He's opposite me, and keeping his eyes on his knees. It's the first real chance I've had to see him. I mean, first I was delirious, then he was injured. He does look different. His hair's longer, his curls more obvious than they ever were. He's stopped bleaching it, and it's an interesting mixture of white-blonde and mid brown. He looks …. Good. I'm responding to his presence on so many levels, it's hard to sort out the details.

He's still tickling my Slayer sense. That strange buzz he's always caused. I'm surprised, because he's obviously not a vampire any more. Apparently still a demon, though, so, maybe not so surprising.

I'm looking for lingering signs of his injury. In that respect, I'm feeling concern, like for a friend. I smile to myself at the fact that I've just used the word 'friend' in connection with Spike. It's a new connection, and I find I like it. Except, friendship goes both ways, and I've lost his.

As always, I'm responding to him as a lover. Even like this, in a room full of other people, with him sitting as far from me as it's possible to be, I feel the familiar pull, the familiar wanting. But, that's the last thing I need right now. I've done the whole 'using him for sex' thing, and I'm not proud of it.

I'm shocked out of my thoughts as he lifts his head and catches my eye for a second, before I'm forced to look away. Those eyes are just the way they always are. They look right inside you, seeing the things you're trying to hide. There was a time when I could look into them, confident that I had nothing to hide from him. No longer. I can't hold his eye, and it's my turn to look at my knees.

The Principal comes in, and begins his address. It's short and fairly to the point. The usual, 'We're a team', and 'My door's always open', sort of spiel.

We're dismissed and given directions to our offices or whatever. Mine is in the same suite as the Principal, but has a door directly to the corridor, so there's no need to bump into the Principal when coming for counselling.

As I reach my door, I know he's just behind me. To my surprise, he goes into an office opposite mine. So much for not seeing too much of him. I watch him going into his room before I enter mine.

I look around. Standard desk and chair with a couple of other chairs on the opposite side of the desk. That'll have to change. I mean, yeah, I'll need the desk for paperwork, but no way I'm counselling kids from the other side of a desk. I glance at my calendar, and note that I've already got a few appointments, but not until mid morning. I go to the filing cabinet and root out the relevant files. There's nothing like being prepared.

The morning speeds by. Mornings at the Doublemeat Palace never went at this rate. I'm nervous, afraid I'm going to say or do something to make things worse, but, mainly I listen. The kids are wary as they come in, but seem to relax when I sit close to them, without the barrier of authority.

When it's time for lunch break, I head for the canteen. I smile at some familiar faces. Some I recognise as teachers from my own school days. None of them looks particularly welcoming. A few I recognise as teachers at Dawn's old school, and they're generally more welcoming. No sign of Spike.

I eat quickly, and go to see if I can find him. First stop, his office. Impressive. He's looking over some blueprints - I assume of the new building. He starts as I come in.

"Hey," I start. "Nice office."

"Yeah," he answers. "New Principal's what you might call 'forward thinking'. I've even got a weapons chest, locked of course."

He pulled some keys from his pocket. How he got them into the pocket, I'll never know. I mean, the jeans might be blue, but that's the only difference from before. Still skin tight. He doesn't seem to notice the effect he's having on me. He seems calm.

Apart from the desk and the weapons chest, there's a bank of monitors. He sees me noticing.

"Bloody useless, they are," he tells me.

"I mean, some demons won't even show up, and any that do'll be able to put the cameras out of commission right quick. Might be useful for burglars, I 'spose."

I nod, desperately thinking of something to say. "So, how are you? Clem said you were better."

"I'm fine. How about you?"

"Yeah, you know Slayer healing. I'm never down for long."

"One hundred and forty-seven days," he reminds me, his face taking on that familiar haunted look.

"Yeah." I agree.

I want to ask him so much. I want to apologise, to tell him how sorry I am. I can't. Not yet. "Guess I'll be seeing you a lot," I say, "being opposite and all."

"'Spose so."

He sounds so cold. I can't take it any more. "Better get back," I mutter, turning my back.

He doesn't answer, just goes back to the blueprints.

Fortunately, I don't have time to brood. I've a full afternoon, and when the kids go home, I've got a lot of writing to do. Dawn breezes in, and I suggest she goes to the library to get a start on her homework. She doesn't look too pleased at the prospect, but goes.

When I finish, I head towards the library, surprised to hear Dawn laughing. I go in, and soon know why. Spike. The two are sitting there, and both look up, as if they've been caught planning something. For just an instant, I see him. The old Spike. Happy. But it's gone, like a shutter closed, and his eyes have lost their animation. He stands up, and says something about needing to check some things out.

When he's gone, Dawn looks at me as if I've done something wrong.

"What?" I ask.

"Why did you do that?"

"And again with what?"

"He just shut down when you came in. Have you said something to him?"

"Dawn, you know how it is. Sure I've spoken to him, but, the damage was done before today."

"I wish you'd sort it out."

"Me too."

I'm surprised to find my eyes are damp again. Not going to do that. That is definitely not the impression I'm trying to give on my first day at work. I shake my head, and say, "Ready to go?"

She nods and gathers her books together.

We chat as we walk home. I laugh with her at her first thoughts on her teachers, and listen carefully to the descriptions of the kids in her classes. She seems remarkably relaxed, the pre-back-to-school stress apparently gone.

As we approach the house, I get a surprise. Parked outside is Xander's car. I run towards it, and Dawn shouts at me unsure of the reason at first. When I reach the car, I'm shocked. I've seen Xander post battle, post apocalypse. Even post Willow, and post the wedding-that-wasn't. He's never looked this bad.

I open the door and help him out. He hasn't shaved in days, and, by the look of him, he hasn't changed his clothes either. It smells like that too. His eyes are bloodshot, and bagged. There's no life in them. He doesn't speak as I help him inside. He flops on the sofa, and still doesn't speak.

"Xander, where've you been?"

He shrugs.

"What happened?"

"I killed him."

"Who?"

"Spike."

"No, you didn't."

"There's no way he could have survived. I staked him in the heart. There was so much blood. He's human. I'm like Faith. I …."

"Xander, Spike's alive. I saw him today. So did Dawn."

He looks at me, checking for any sign of a lie. He didn't find one, so he looked at Dawn.

"Spike's fine," she confirmed.

Something about that causes the dam to burst. He starts to cry, almost silently, but with shuddering sobs. I sit beside him, and put an arm around his shoulder. He doesn't seem to notice, and I try to ignore the ripeness of his shirt.

When he calms, I suggest a shower while I cook. Dawn goes upstairs to find the clothes he kept here for while he was decorating. They're paint spattered, but they smell a lot better than what he's wearing.

When he comes down again, he looks better. Better but not right. His shoulders are still slumped, and there's a deadness to his eyes. What is it about me? Any guy I let into my life either runs away, or I kill something in him. I shudder at the horror that is my friendship. It's not just men, either, I realise with a start. I mean, look at what happened to Willow.

We eat more or less in silence. I mean, you can't really count requests for salt to be conversation. Xander eats so much, I wonder when he last ate. He's still not giving anything on where he was.

Replete, Xander seems a lot better. "I came back so I could meet Willow," he informs me.

I nod. "Good. It's good you can do that. I can't, you know, new job and everything."

A light comes on in his eyes, as if he just realised something. "First day today, wasn't it?"

"Yeah. It was, good."

He turns to Dawn. She smiles at him, but it's a smile that holds something back. She's not going to forgive him for Spike any time soon. I don't know how I feel about it, but I feel inclined to just forget it. He's giving himself a hard enough time over it.

"So, Spike's human?"

His words surprise me. "N..no."

"Then what?"

"Don't know. He's warm, he needs to breathe. Still not human. Apparently. I haven't heard the whole story."

"You saw him today?"

"He's working at the school."

The reaction's slower than it would have been, but it still builds. "Buffy, you've got to stop that. He can't work at the school. He tried to rape you. And he's not chipped any more. There's no telling what he'll do surrounded by hormonal teenagers. You've got to speak to the Principal. If need be, go to the police."

The news about the chip is a surprise. I file the information away as something to consider later. But, I'm not worried. It's my Slayer intuition. It's not firing, not the way it used to when I considered Spike chipless. It wasn't the chip that stopped him upstairs. I mean, I know I pushed him off me, but he didn't come back. As soon as he understood that I didn't want it, he stopped. "Xander, leave it. He's not a danger to anyone but himself. He's not going to hurt anyone, or at least anyone human."

He starts to get up. He's going to storm out, and I put a hand on his arm. "Xander, please. Sit down."

He does, but it's not so much that he's convinced as that the fight's gone. When he calms I start to tell him about Anya.

"She's been looking for you. She's been as worried as I have. More. She wants me to call her if I hear from you."

"No," he replies.

"No, what?"

"I don't want to see her."

"Ok, but I'm going to call her and let her know you're ok."

He shakes his head, but it's lacking in conviction. He knows I'll call anyway. He gets up and heads towards the door.

"I'd better get home. I've got an early start to get to the airport, and I haven't been sleeping too well."

I nod. Somehow I can't bring myself to give him a hug. There was a time when that'd seem the most natural thing in the world. I guess it'll be harder to forget what he tried to do than I thought.

I drive to the airport early. The flight's due in at nine, but I want to be there early just in case.

I've done a lot of thinking since last night. Truth is, I haven't done a lot of sleeping. I just don't understand Buffy and Dawn. One part of me thinks I should go to the police, tell them about Spike. Not about the ex-vampire bit, of course. But the attempted rape bit. Then I remember what Buffy said last night. It's not that I believe it was her fault, it's just that I know she won't back up the story. And, then, I'm just going to look like a troublemaker. No, somehow, I need to get evidence.

The airport's busy, as always. I head to the land-side of immigration, and scan the screens above my head. The flight's due in soon, fifteen minutes early. I can't wait to see Willow again. A few days ago, I thought Willow coming back would be all I'd need to feel happy again. Now, I know I've got to get Willow to help me get rid of Spike.

I spend some time worrying round the problem, until I see a crowd coming through. I know their flight landed a while ago, so I'm scanning to see familiar faces. At last, I spot Giles over the other heads, and I start to wave, still watching for Willow. When I see her, I'm surprised. She looks so pale and tired.

"Willow, Giles!" I shout, running towards them, and wrapping Willow in a hug. She stiffens a little, and I let go, looking into her eyes and trying not to let the hurt show. I turn. "Giles," I say, unsure whether to hug him, but he's just come from England, so he puts out a hand to shake mine.

I chat with Giles about the flight and other inconsequentials as we head to the car. Willow climbs in the back, and Giles comes in the front with me. He gives me the address, which I recognise, and we head off.

Conversation is still difficult. I know, Xander stuck for words, hard to imagine. But even I need something to work on. Willow is silent, and Giles seems serious even for Giles. We arrive, and I help them in with the bags. Willow smiles at me and tells me she needs to sleep. She suggests I come back later, when she's had a chance to rest, and tells me to bring Buffy. I agree, and head out.

I consider going home, but on balance, I decide to go into work. I've got a lot of explaining to do, since I've been away for a few days. The sooner I get that over with, the better chance I have of remaining in the ranks of the employed.

As I leave work that evening, I consider what to do. My routine lately has been to go straight to Revello Drive. I'm not sure how welcome I'm going to be, but then I remember Willow telling me to bring Buffy over later. That's enough to make the decision for me. I drive there, but knock before going in.

Dawn opens the door, and her face drops when she sees me. There's no welcome, she just moves out of the way to let me in. It hurts. I remember when she was younger. Well, I know, she didn't actually exist, but I still remember it. She had a crush on me, and I could do no wrong. I made her smile. Now, all I merit is a scowl.

Dawn disappears upstairs, and I follow my nose into the kitchen. Buffy's putting together a salad, and I smell pizza. She looks over her shoulder as I come in , but doesn't stop what she's doing.

"So, Giles and Willow back?"

"Yeah," I respond, disappointed by my welcome. "Will was tired, so she said to come back later. Asked me to bring you, too."

"That'll be great."

She looks around then, and adds, "Want to stay and eat? There's enough."

"That'd be good," I reply, remembering the recent times I've stayed to eat, without a formal invitation. It makes me feel like a visitor. A few days ago, I felt like family.

We sit down to eat, and the silence is strained. Dawn's ignoring me, and Buffy's looking at her, obviously trying to catch her eye, but Dawn's ignoring her too.

"So, how did they look?" Buffy eventually breaks the silence.

"They looked good. Willow, well, she was a bit pale, tired looking too. Giles was quiet. Even for Giles. He needs some time in sunny California, and he'll be ok."

"So, where did you go?"

It takes me a second to realise she means after … Spike. It seems it happened a while ago.

"I just drove. Nevada? I wasn't heading anyplace in particular. I just had to get away."

She nods, then goes on eating. She looks up again, surprised I've stopped talking. I've got to say it, even though I know it'll cool the atmosphere even more.

"Buffy, you've got to tell the school. If you don't, I'll have to do something. You can't let him work at the school."

It goes down like a lead balloon. Just as I expected. Dawn pushes her chair away from the table, glowers at me, and leaves. Buffy takes a deep breath.

"Just what did you have in mind, Xander? Stake him again? Or were you planning on using a gun like Warren? Or did you think of going to the Principal or the police on your own? 'Cos I'm telling you now, I won't back you up. I was as wrong as Spike was, more so. When I first heard he was coming back, I had my doubts. But I listened to my own instincts for a change, instead of the old 'demon - bad' dogma. Something's happened to him, and I'm waiting until I hear what it is before I decide what to do. But, I don't believe he's a danger to anyone at the school. If I did, do you think I would let Dawn go there? I was willing to trust Dawn to him while we went after Warren. You trusted him while I was gone."

"He was chipped then. He's not now."

"The chip might have started him out, but it's not responsible for how he's been. If it had just been the chip, Spike would have found another way to get at us. Especially you. You've always been having a go at him. He's got a hundred reasons for wanting you out of the way, and even when you went after him with a stake, he did nothing."

"He stopped me. And I didn't stake him. I used a cross bow." I can't help it, even though I know I sound like a petulant child.

Buffy is silent at that. She puts down her fork, and pushes her chair away from the table. She gathers the dishes in silence. I realise I'm going to have to do something, but I'm not going to get any support. Yet.

"So, when do you want to go to Willow's?"

"As soon as I've finished here, if you like." Buffy's voice is cold.

"What about Dawn?"

Buffy just shrugged, then went upstairs. When she returns, she tells me Dawn's not going.

"Because of me? She's missing out on welcoming Will because of me?"

"No," Buffy explains patiently. "She doesn't want to see Willow."

Now I'm really confused. Why wouldn't she want to see Will?

"Why?"

"Dawn just remembers that Willow nearly killed her twice. It's kinda understandable."

I sit down before I fall down. She's willing to trust Spike, scourge of Europe, demon, and attempted rapist of her sister, and she doesn't want to see Willow. I mean, I know Will did some stupid things, but Tara was dead. She's still Willow. I'm shaking my head, and Buffy's watching me. She's put on a jacket, and she's waiting for me.

We head out to my car, and drive to the apartment Giles and Willow are using. We drive in silence, and I'm surprised how tense Buffy seems. I mean, I know we've just had a disagreement, but it looks like it's more than that.

We arrive, and Buffy gets out of the car and walks to the door without waiting for me. Giles answers, and Buffy throws her arms round his neck. I can't remember him having that sort of welcome from her before, and by the look of her, neither can he. I follow them inside, and am pleasantly surprised by how much better Willow's looking. She smiles at me, genuinely glad to see me. She's looking at Buffy, and I can tell she's feeling the distinct lack of warmth there.

We sit down, and Giles asks how things have been. Buffy answers him, and the two are soon chatting about Slayage. She's keeping it simple, not mentioning any of the recent happenings. I get the impression Giles has something on his mind, and I wonder why he doesn't just say it.

I sit beside Willow, and try to chat. I ask her about her time in England, and she answers, but she's quiet. She answers in single words.

"Will, what's wrong?" I ask.

"I've got a lot of thinking to do. I did some awful things, and I need to find a way to put it right. It'll take a while. It's good to know I've still got friends. I wasn't sure…."

"What do you mean, you weren't sure? Of course you've got friends. There's me, and Giles, and Buffy and .."

"Are you sure about Buffy? And Dawn didn't even come. I'm going to have to earn their friendship back."

I shake my head, but she puts a hand on my arm and looks at me. "It's ok, Xander. I understand."

She might, but I don't. I overhear Giles asking Buffy to meet him the next day. He says something about some papers he needs to unpack.

"So, what's up British man? New evil afoot?"

"I came across something, while I was in England, that caused me to reconsider some ancient writings. I don't intend to discuss it now, as I want to be able to refer to some papers which are still packed. We can talk tomorrow."

He turns to Buffy. "Were you planning to patrol tonight?"

"Yeah," she says, quietly. "I think I should. Things were a little more busy last night than recently."

I decide to bring Giles up to date with what Buffy's missed.

"Did you know Spike's back?"

Giles' head snaps up, and Buffy gives me a look that says more than words could.

"What's wrong?" I ask. "Is it a secret?"

"No," Buffy answers. "It's not a secret, but it's not urgent either. I was going to let Giles get over his jetlag before I give him the whole story."

"So," Giles says, "Spike's back. And?"

"And he's chipless. And he's not a vampire any more."

I knew it, that got his attention. To my surprise, Giles doesn't mention the chip. "He's not a vampire? Surely he's not human?"

"Apparently not," Buffy replies. "Don't know the whole story yet. Things are … difficult."

"Understatement there, Buffy. After what he tried to do, I'd say things are more than difficult." I can't help myself, I've got to say it.

Buffy's look is icy, but I've achieved my aim. She's going to have to explain to Giles, and then maybe he can talk some sense into her.

"Spike and I both did some things we regret. That's between us."

I can't let her get away with that.

"It isn't between you two when you're putting kids at Dawn's school at risk - when you're putting Dawn at risk."

Giles can see that things are getting heated, and he holds a hand up for calm. "Buffy, just tell me what you know."

"Well, he left. I think I told you that … before. I don't know what happened to him, but somehow, he came back different. He wrote to me, telling me he was coming back because Dawn was in danger. He's working at the school - Security. He doesn't have a problem with sunlight any more. Wood in the heart no longer results in dustiness. He's warm, and he needs to breathe. His heart beats. But, apparently, he's not human. I haven't spoken to him yet. Dawn has."

"How do you know about the wood in the heart? Did you try to stake him?" Giles seems to be in research mode rather than anything else.

"No, Xander did. Shot him with a cross bow."

Giles looks at me, and I'm not sure what he's thinking. He turns his attention back to Buffy. "Go on."

"Well, I got injured a while ago. Vargas demon and …"

That really got Giles' attention. "Vargas demon? Buffy, you must be mistaken. They're terribly rare. I take it, it didn't bite you."

"It did."

"Buffy, no one's ever survived the bite of a Vargas demon. You must have misidentified it. Its unique combination of anticoagulants and toxin is invariably fatal, and that's true for human, demon, and even Slayers."

"Yeah, so I heard."

"Then how?"

"Spike. We were fighting the thing together, but I did something stupid, and it knocked me out. It took a bite, then Spike managed to kill it. He took me to his flat, and got Clem to bring Dawn over. When I got worse, he did some research, and went to get some blood. I don't know why, but he gave me some human blood to drink, and I got better. Thing is, …"

Buffy pauses then. I wonder what she can say that's worse than what she's already told us.

"Thing is, I met Anya. She told me that, now she's a vengeance demon again, she knows I'm not human. She wasn't sure what I was, but I'm not human. Somehow Spike knew that, and that's how he knew about the blood."

I've heard the words, but the meaning's taking time to sink in. I know I'm spluttering when I speak.

"Buffy! How can you think you're not human? You can't trust Anya. She's a demon. You certainly can't trust Spike. And the blood? There's no way that cured you. Are you sure it really was blood? He's just trying to make it seem like he's the same as you. He'll try anything to get you back into his bed. And Anya'd help him too. Remember what happened. Remember the impromptu porno show we caught."

She ignores me. They all do. Willow hasn't taken any part in the conversation, although she seems to be listening.

Giles continues. "Buffy, this is important. Can you get Spike to come along tomorrow? Some of this might tie up with the information I have. Either way, I'd like to hear what he knows." He is looking serious.

"I can ask," Buffy replies. "I'm not sure he'll want to help." She stops and thinks. "Well, maybe he will. He was around as I patrolled the night I was attacked by the Vargas, and last night too."

"Good," Giles says with a hint of finality. "Can we say eight o'clock at the Magic Box? It won't be ready for opening for some time, but the building's been made safe. Now, I don't want to be rude, but by my internal clock, it's four in the morning, and I need to get some sleep."

Buffy grins at him, and goes to get up.

"Giles," I almost shout. "Have you been listening? Spike's back. He's chipless. He's working at Dawn's school, and he's been feeding blood to Buffy! We've got to do something."

"Xander, Buffy obviously isn't concerned by what you've said, and I trust her judgement. He would hardly have pulled off a major medical miracle in saving Buffy if his intention was to kill her. And I suspect his new, er, condition, may just be important. Go home, and get some sleep. You look like you need it."

Buffy leaves, hugging Giles again as she goes. As an afterthought, she hugs Willow too, but it's not the same. I follow her out, but she tells me she doesn't need a ride.

"I'm going to patrol, and I might as well start here as anywhere. Goodnight Xander."

I consider arguing, but think better of it. I sigh as I unlock the car.

"Xander," she says.

I turn around, hoping for a change of heart.

"I know you care. I know that's why you're saying these things. Please, Xander, trust me. If you can't trust Spike, then trust me. I'll make sure he doesn't hurt Dawn, or anyone at the school. The first sign that he's a danger, and I'll do what I have to. I promise."

I know it's the best I'm going to get. The problem is, I'm not sure I can still trust her. I thought I could. I thought I could trust Anya. But they both … I can't even use the words. Even in my head, it's somehow worse to use the words to describe what happened between Buffy and Anya and Spike. When I remember the sight of what happened in the Magic Box, I feel physically sick. Somehow at night, I dream about what I saw. Funny thing is, more often than not, it's Buffy who's there, screwing a corpse.

I shake my head, driving off the visions in my head. Buffy's waiting for an answer. I can't speak, so I just nod. That seems good enough for her, and she walks away. I get into my car, and head home. I need to come up with a plan. I need evidence to convince Buffy. From now on, Spike's not going to be able to light one of those awful cigarettes of his without me knowing it.

Next