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Chapter 20
Courageous people say it, so lets be brave

The guard replacing Giles--who had called in sick this morning--pushed Spike into the warden’s office.

She had missed him so much. It’d been a week since she’d told him she was going to see him the next day. A week of not being able to find a way to see the man she loved. Spike was finally standing in front of her and she couldn’t wait to be alone with him.

“Here ya go, Ms. Summers.” The guard hesitated, unsure. “What would you like me to do? Should I stay here?”

Buffy stood up from behind her desk. “It’s all right, Luis. You can go back to work. I’ll just contact security when I’m done with him.”

It sounded innocent enough, but to Buffy who knew exactly what she meant by being “done with him”, it couldn’t have sounded more incriminating. It required a tremendous effort for her to remain cool and collected, and to prevent her face from changing color, but she thought she did a damn good job, all things considered. As long as she didn’t look at Spike, she’d be fine.

She watched as Luis turned around and exited the office. They waited until he closed the door before looking at each other.

Buffy had decided that today was the day. After her conversation with her mother, she knew she couldn’t be a coward anymore. He had to know how she felt and what her plans were. Little did she know that Spike had made the exact same decision.

Feeling nervous, Spike tried to break the silence. He looked around the office, pretending to be interested in the changes. “Changed the décor, pet? It looks fantastic. Much better than…”

She crushed her lips to his, preventing him from finishing his sentence. She applied pressure on his chest until he was forced to take a few steps back. When the back of his knees hit the couch, he sat down and watched as she made herself comfortable on his lap. She straddled him, one knee on each side of his lean hips, her ass pressing against his already growing erection. It would be hard to have a conversation with her when her body was so close. But surprisingly, she looked like she wanted to talk too.

Buffy put her fingers to his lips to prevent him from kissing her again.

“I have something to say, Spike.”

“Actually, I needed to talk to you too.”

“Oh. Why don’t you go first then?” Buffy asked, trying her best to look casual despite the sudden increase in her heartbeat.

“No, pet. You can go first.”

“It can wait. You go!”

But as it often happens, they both got tired of the “you go, no you go” game and opened their mouth to talk at the same time.

“I’m in love with you…” “Buffy, I love you…”

Buffy and Spike froze, looking at each other in shock. They burst out laughing when relief washed over them, calming their fears.

Buffy spoke first. “Really?”

He looked down, playing nervously with a button of her shirt. “Yeah. I do. But like the big nancy that I am, I was too bloody scared to tell you. I was afraid you’d think it’s too soon.”

“I was scared too, you know. For different reasons. I’ve never told a guy that I love him while actually meaning it. It was always like, you know, when I’d be on the phone with my boyfriend, he’d say I love you, and I’d say me too because it was expected. But just coming out and really saying it because I feel it; that was scary.”

He gave her the warmest, most loving smile she had ever seen, just before kissing her forehead lightly. “Say it again.” He kissed the tip of her nose. “Please.” He went to kiss her lips, but stopped, his lips so close that they were brushing against hers when she finally spoke the words.

“I love you, William.”

“I love you too, Buffy.”

In a flash, Buffy’s body was pressed against his again, her lips fused to his in a passionate kiss. Their tongues were exploring each other’s mouths as if it was the first time. Teasing, probing, caressing. They felt like they could never tire of it, refusing to break the contact to breathe, even for a second.

Her small body was moving above him and driving him wild with want. Spike let out a tortured moan and wrapped his arms around her to bring her even closer to him. The contact was too much, and yet, not enough. The harsh fabric of his prisoner’s uniform was rubbing against Spike’s over sensitive cock in a way that was sure to make him come fast.

They broke apart, panting and trying to catch their breath.

Spike rested his forehead on Buffy’s, his hands going to her hips to still her movements. “I’m sorry pet, but if you keep doing this, I’ll walk out of here with a wet spot on my uniform that will be hard to explain.”

She grinned mischievously. “Well, I guess I’ll just have to make sure not to spill anything on your pants.”

Spike’s eyes widened when she removed herself from where she was perched on his lap, and went to kneel between his legs.

Her hands wandered up and down his thighs, massaging the hard muscles. She lowered her head to nuzzle the hard bulge in his pants, and placed little kisses on it.

Spike inhaled sharply, realizing what she had in mind. “Buffy, pet, what are you…”

“Always wanted to know what you taste like.” She murmured against the fabric of his pants.

Her hands slid from where they were resting on his hips, to the front of his pants, nimble fingers working on the zipper until she succeeded at freeing his hard member. The sight of him made her mouth water in anticipation.

She looked into his eyes and licked the tip of his cock, enjoying the look of pure bliss on his handsome face. She took him in her hand and pumped him a few times, keeping the pressure light, and the strokes slow. She licked and suckled at the underside, then twirled her warm tongue around the head before taking him in inch by inch. Spike sighed and moaned in pleasure, his hips instinctively lifting up to get more of her.

She let him slip out of her mouth with a wet sound and gave him a saucy smirk. “Like that?”

Spike’s eyes widened. “Like? Are you bloody kidding? I love it, I love YOU. Don’t stop.”

She wrapped her lips back around his engorged penis and started sucking him with renewed enthusiasm.

Spike was taking deep breaths to calm himself, trying to hold back and not attract unwanted attention. It wouldn’t do to have his wildest fantasy come to life only to have it interrupted by the secretary walking in on them. This was the best thing that ever happened to him. The only thing even better than having Buffy’s lips around his cock, would be to be inside of her.

She pumped him with her hand while her mouth went lower to explore, deciding to pay some attention to his balls. She licked them and sucked them lightly into her mouth. Spike must have enjoyed the attention because he tensed in reaction and buried his bound hands into her soft hair to keep her there. Buffy indulged him by staying where she was, chuckling at his reaction.

Too soon, she could feel the muscles in Spike’s thigh tensing beneath her hand and his need to come made him whimper. The hand that was still stroking him slowed down. She didn‘t want him to come yet. She nibbled on his inner thigh, peppering kisses on his warm skin. Without a warning, she stood up, effectively shocking him out of his daze.

“What? Buffy…”

But before he had time to say anything else, she lifted her skirt around her hips and went back to her previous position in his lap. His eyebrows shot up in surprise when he realized she wasn’t wearing any panties.

“Naughty girl.” He whispered against her lips.

“Is--Is this ok, Spike? Do you want me? Tell me you do.” Buffy asked, suddenly feeling insecure.

He looked her in the eyes and she could see just how sincere he was. “I never in my life wanted anybody the way I want you Buffy.”

Taking his cock in her tiny hand, she rubbed her wet slit against the head a few times before sinking down on him.

She gasped loudly at the amazing feeling of him stretching her.

**should have done this sooner… What was I waiting for again?**

“Open your shirt, luv. I want to see you.”

She obeyed, unbuttoning her blouse with unsteady fingers, then opening the front clasp of her bra to expose herself to his hungry eyes. She put her hands on his shoulder to steady herself, then lifted her body up and sunk back down on him.

“Oh God, Spike. This is amazing. YOU, are amazing!”

He put his arms around her, careful not to get the handcuffs tangled in her hair, and pulled her close to him.

“You’re… God! You’re so bloody fantastic, luv--never felt anything like this--love you.”

“Love you too.”

They had been waiting too long for this. Both aroused beyond anything they had ever experienced, it didn’t take a lot to push them over the edge. Spike started lifting his hips off the couch to meet her every down trust, their speed increasing into a frenzy. She grounded down on him, rubbing her clit on his coarse hair, needing the release desperately.

Spike crushed his lips on hers to swallow her scream as she came. The clenching of her inner muscles drove him wild and with his hands on her narrow hips, he held her down as he emptied himself inside her body.

They closed their eyes and tried to catch their breath, coming down slowly from their orgasm. Spike was caressing her back in soothing circles.

“You are amazing, luv. You know that, right?”

“No, but I love to hear you say it.” She said, a shy smile stretching her now swollen lips.

Buffy busied herself by making him presentable again. She put his softening cock back into his pants, already missing the feeling of him but they didn’t have enough time for round two unfortunately. She took the time to lower her skirt over her thighs before finally looking back up at him.

“I’m so glad you came into my life, Spike. You have no idea.”

“Me too, pet. But…” He sighed. “Couldn’t I have met you a few years ago at a party in L.A., instead of now, in prison? We were living in the same city for bloody Christ sake! Don’t you feel like there’s someone up there laughing their bloody heads off at us?”

“I don’t know, Spike. Maybe it is fate that I came into your life at this time. Sure, it would have been better if we’d met before, but maybe we met now because I’m supposed to help you deal with life in prison. Or maybe even… help you get out of here.”

He looked at her like she’d grown a second head. “What the bleedin’ hell are you talking about? You can’t get me out. I have a life sentence. The key word in this being ‘life’. There’s nothing you can do for me.”

She disentangled herself from him and stood up. “Maybe there is.”

“Buffy. What are you getting at?”

She faced him. “Look, I don’t want to get your hopes up too much because if nothing ever comes out of this, it will hurt you. I mean, there’s really not much I can do. I even went to see a lawyer to find out what the options were, and there really isn’t a lot.”

“You went to see a lawyer? For me?”

She blushed and looked away. “Well… yeah. Why not? I needed to know.”

“Buffy, pet, look at me.” He waited until she turned her eyes to him before continuing. “Maybe I’m not the one who shouldn’t keep his hopes up. Personally, I know I’m here for life. But if you start thinking there’s a way of getting me out of here and it doesn’t work, you’re the one who’ll get hurt. So don’t.”

“She said--she said that the only hope for you was to get a confession out of the real murderer.”

Spike’s heart started beating faster. Flashes of the dream he’d had a few days ago flooding his brain with gruesome images. “And that WON’T happen because you’re not going anywhere near that wanker, hear me?”

It was his turn to stand up, too upset to stay seated any longer.

“I… I kinda already did.”

“You what?!”

“Now, don’t freak out, ok? It’s not like I went to knock on the door or anything. I just went to their house a couple of times, and followed them two or three times when they were going out. I was careful, they never saw me.”

“Are you out of your goddamn bloody fucking mind?! Do you have any idea what these people are capable of?”

Buffy frowned and took a step back. “I just…”

His attitude changed, he approached her quickly and took her face in his hands. He was white as a ghost, his face panic stricken. She understood his fear, but couldn’t let him win this one. The outcome was too important to both of them.

He could tell she was upset by his reaction so he soften his voice a bit. “Kitten, please, listen to me. It’s dangerous. If something happens to you, I’ll never forgive myself. Forget about all this, all right? I’d rather stay here for the rest of my life than know you’re risking your life for me.”

“What is it, Spike? You like it in here? We’ve made it cozy enough for you? Are you actually enjoying the powdered mashed potatoes with this gray stuff they call Salisbury steak? Sharing a cell the size of my walk-in closet with a deranged midget?..”

“So you met Snyder, huh?” He asked, unable to hide his amused grin.

She pouted. “Yeah. Unfortunately. And don’t change the subject.”

“Listen, Buffy. I’m sorry I reacted like this. I know you only want to help me. But Angel and Darla are dangerous and they won’t hesitate to harm you. As a matter of fact, they’ll bloody well enjoy it. Don’t get involved in this, ok? I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

She reluctantly nodded. She felt bad for lying to him, but someday, he’d thank her for it.

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Chapter 21
Joy to the bloody world

There was a knock on the front door. It was so light that Buffy thought for a second she might have imagined it. She put her lipstick down on her dresser and went to check just in case.

She was late for the party already. She knew that even if she sped all the way to L.A., she still wouldn’t make it to Cordelia and Xander’s by 5 o’clock like she’d promised. But they were used to her being late so it wasn’t such a big deal. She’d be late, but she’d look damn good. She was really happy with the dress she picked for the occasion. A black, tight fitting halter dress with the skirt ending just above her knees. There was a sparkling broche decorating the plunging neckline. It was perfect; sexy, yet festive.

After taking the time to smooth her hair down and put on her heels, Buffy opened the door. There in front of her stood a chubby looking guy, shuffling his feet nervously. The only word Buffy would have used to describe him would be adorable. The guy, who must have been in his mid twenties, had a mop of tousled sandy blonde hair, little ears sticking out from his head, double chin, and warm brown eyes. He was clutching a small box wrapped clumsily in Christmas paper between his chubby hands.

“Hi. Can I help you?” Buffy had no idea who he was.

“Huh, maybe you can. Are you Buffy? I’m looking for Buffy Summers. My name is Clem.”

Buffy stared at him with a shocked expression. “Are you--William’s friend by any chance?”

Clem beamed at her. “Yes! How do you know?”

She chuckled. “Well, Clem, I can’t say that I know a lot of people with an original name like yours.”

He looked down shyly. “It’s short for Clement.”

Buffy extended her hand to him. “It’s very nice meeting you, Clement. Wanna come in for a minute?”

“I don’t know. I’m sure Spike doesn’t want me to bother you.”

“Don’t be silly! Come in. It’s Christmas. And it’s not every day I get to meet Spike’s friends.”

She walked to the kitchen followed closely by Clem.

“Want something to drink?”

He shook his head. “I‘m fine, thank you.”

She pointed at bowls full of holiday snacks on the breakfast bar.

“Something to eat then? As you can see, my sister and I had an early Christmas celebration, which explains the chips and dips and the Cheetos.”

“Yes, that’d be swell! Thanks.”

Buffy poured herself a glass of red wine and went to sit on a stool next to Clem. “So, what brings you here?”

“Here,” He said through a mouthful of Cheetos. “This is from Spike.”

He handed her the box he had been holding on to.

“It’s a Christmas gift.” He pointed out even thought the wrapping already gave that away.

Buffy’s jaw dropped and she just stared at the box in confusion. “How did he…”

“I bought it. But with his money.” He added quickly, too polite to take the credit for his friend’s gesture. “I’m taking care of his money for him. His father died two months after William was put into jail and he left him all his money. Which is surprising cause they really didn’t get along. The man had issues… God bless him.”

He took a chip and dipped it in the sour cream and chives dip before shoving it in his mouth.

“So you chose a gift for me?”

“Nah. Spike did. I went to visit him and brought a couple of magazines with me. He chose what he wanted for you and I just bought it. I hope you’ll like it. It’s real pretty, you’ll see.”

Buffy’s eyes filled up with tears at the thought that Spike would do that for her.

“Hey now, don’t cry! I don’t know what to do when ladies cry.”

“Sorry, Clem.” She tried putting a smile on her face. “It’s just that I can’t believe he got me a present. Not that I didn’t think he would want to, just didn’t think he’d find a way. Thanks for helping him.”

“No problem, Buffy. You seem really nice and you make my friend happy. Well, as happy as someone can be when he’s in jail… Aren’t you going to open it?”

“Huh, no. If you don’t mind, I’d rather wait until I’m with him.”

“Oh, that makes sense. I hope you’ll like it.”

She put the small box on the counter and took another sip of her wine, trying to calm her racing nerves. Suddenly, being late to Cordelia’s party didn’t seem so bad. She had a chance to talk to a friend of Spike and that made her happy.

“So, do you live in Sunnydale?”

“Nope. I live in L.A. That’s where Spike and I meet. We went to school together. We were really close. We had a lot of fun together. We’d play poker in my dorm room with a few other guys. William was a real swell guy. Still is. Too bad he met that evil woman who convinced him to drop out of school. I always knew she was trouble.”

“You mean, Drusilla?”

“Yeah. She was scary. Always said weird things. I couldn’t understand how a nice guy like Spike could put up with her, but I don’t judge him. I just wish he would have listened to me though. He wouldn’t be in prison right now if he had. It’s too bad.”

“Yeah…” Buffy answered quietly, lost in her thoughts. “It is too bad.”

“I tried to keep in touch when he moved to Sunnydale but Drusilla was keeping him busy so it was difficult. Plus, I had school. But when he called me to tell me what happened, I went to court to support him. They asked me for my testimony, but I’m afraid me telling people how William was such a good guy wasn’t enough to keep them from locking him away. I know he didn’t do it, you know?”

“Yes. I think anybody who really get to know him would never believe he killed this woman. But don’t beat yourself up. At least you had the guts to speak up for your friend. I’m sure that means a lot to him. And you’re the only one who visits him. I’m glad he has you.”

Clem turned bright red, the tip of his ears pink with embarrassment.

Buffy smiled warmly at him and stood up. “I’m sorry but it’s 5 o’clock already. I was supposed to be in L.A. at 5. My friend Cordelia will probably serve my guts for dinner because I’m so late.”

“Ok. Well, It’s was nice meeting you, Buffy. I’m glad Spike found a nice girl this time.”

She laughed good heartedly and hugged him.

“And I’m glad he has a nice friend like you. You can stop by any time you want.”

She waved as he walked away, then ran back inside the house to get her over night bag and the box full of presents she was bringing to L.A..

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Dawn was on a mission. There was a determination to her step as she walked through security, the bright red skirt of her festive dress floating around her legs. She was a splash of color in the gray world of the prison. The huge package she was holding in her arms had been unwrapped by the prison staff so they could check the contents, and wrapped again.

Her mission was simple enough. Visit Spike, give him his present, and make sure he’s not too depressed on this supposedly joyous day of the year. Then report to L.A. for Cordelia’s Christmas party.

Buffy had been worried about him. Not only was it his first Christmas in prison, but she hadn’t been able to see him for the past two weeks. She hated the idea that he’d spend Christmas all alone. So after scolding Dawn for visiting him three weeks ago, she asked her to do it again. According to Dawn, that wasn’t very logical. But then again, Buffy rarely was. So Buffy had made sure that no one who knew Dawn would be working the Christmas eve’s shift, and here she was. Bearing presents for the lonely convict.

Spike walked through the door with the guards, and Dawn automatically went to hug him.

“Merry Christmas, Spike!”

“Happy Christmas too you too, Little bit. What’s a lovely girl like you doing in a depressing place like this on Christmas eve?” He asked, sitting down at a table. “Shouldn’t you be in L.A. with big sis?”

“I’m playing Santa today.” She said pointing at the huge package on the table. “See? I even have the red dress.”

Spike chuckled. “Yeah, you look smashing, bit. Be careful, the guards are real bloody perverts here.”

Dawn blushed at the compliment but laughed when she realized one of the guards was looking her way. “Oh, I see what you mean.”

Spike turned in his chair and gave the guard a threatening look.

“Anne and I figured that it wouldn’t be such a great Christmas for you and we wanted to make it a little better. She was really depressed that she wouldn’t be able to see you. So we went shopping.” She pushed the package in Spike’s direction, sliding it across the table. “I think we went a little overboard.”

Spike’s smile disappeared as he stared at the package in front of him. He needed to gather all the self-control he had, not to start crying like a baby in front of the girl. But despite his best effort, his eyes shone with unshed tears.

“Spike?” Dawn said softly. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

He forced a smile before looking back at her. “No, Dawnie. I’m not upset. Just shocked. I thought nothing good would happen today. I guess I’m not used to people giving a damn about me, is all.”

“Come on! Open it!” Dawn clapped excitedly. “You’ll see, there’s a lot of smaller gifts, some stuff we thought you might need, and a couple of cool things too.

The package was a large basket, wrapped in shiny paper and tied at the top with a large bow. He opened it quickly, curious to see what they gotten him. This felt like Christmas. Not that he didn’t think Buffy could do something like this, but it honestly never crossed his mind that she would. She was so angry when Dawn visited him last time, that he never thought she’d send the girl to see him again. But he wasn’t going to complain.

The basket was filled with a lot of different things, going from magazines, to cartons of cigarettes, bottles of bleach, and chocolates. It also had more expensive presents like a silver pen with his name engraved on it, the most beautiful leather bound journal he had ever seen, a silver lighter with an inscription saying: Love, always, B. a first edition of Beaudelair’s poetry, and fun things like a Game boy with a few video games. Everything to entertain him.

Dawn leaned over the table and whispered: “Look under the cover of the journal, there’s a surprise. But make sure no one ever finds it, ok?”

He did as she told him and found two pictures. One of Buffy by herself, and one of Buffy, Dawn and a lady he assumed would be their mom. He quickly hid the pictures back so no one would see them.

“I don’t know what to say, luv. This is bloody amazing what you and Anne did for me. Thank you.”

Dawn felt bad for the man sitting in front of her. He seemed so upset and she didn’t know what to do to make it better.

“Are you gonna be all right?”

“I’m fine pet. I’m more than fine, believe me. Just a bit emotional because this means so much to me. But don’t worry, I’m not always such a blubbering poofter. I’m usually much more manly.”

Dawn grinned at him. That’s when the guards decided it had lasted long enough.

“Let’s go, Rayne. Enough Christmas joy for you today.”

Spike rolled his eyes, but knew better than to argue with the guards. He stood up and went to hug Dawn. “Tell your sister I love her and I wish her a happy Christmas, ok?”

“I will.”

“Have fun at your party, Nibblet.” He added while already being taken away.

“Thanks. Merry Christmas, Spike!” She answered, but he was already gone. Her heart broke for him.

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The first thing Buffy did when her sister walked into the Harris’ home, was to pull her aside. She led her to Cordelia and Xander’s bedroom and closed the door. The sisters sat on the bed, side by side.

“So, what happened? How was he? Did he like the presents? Did you have a hard time with the guards? They didn’t take anything away did they? Tell me.” Buffy asked without taking a breath.

“Whoa, hold on would you? One thing at a time. No, I didn’t have a problem going through security. They checked the package in case I was bringing him a nail file so he could cut the bars of his cell and escape, but when they didn’t find anything dangerous, they let me go.”

“How was he?” Buffy asked in a quiet voice, a little calmer now.

“Well. Spike was really happy to see me, that’s for sure.”

“But?” Buffy asked her sister, sensing it coming.

“But he was really upset. Ya know… First Christmas in jail and all. You could tell he wasn’t expecting to see anyone today.”

At Buffy’s stricken face, she quickly added: “But it was the good kind of upset! He was so happy about the presents. Especially the pictures I think. He got all teary eyed when he saw them. And the book, he really loved the book. He couldn’t believe you remembered it was his favorite growing up. He also thought he’d have hours and hours of fun with the Game boy. He said it was a ‘bloody brilliant idea’.”

This made Buffy smile.

“I knew he’d like that!”

“And he said he’d use the journal to start writing his book. Something about his life I think he said.”

“That’s really great.” Buffy said, trying to be happy. But her face crumbled and she burst into tears.

“Oh, Buffy! Don’t cry, you’ll ruin your make up and everybody will wonder why your eyes are red and puffy. Come on… He was happy. Doesn’t that make you happy?”

“Y..yes!” She hiccupped pathetically. “But I love him and he should be here!”

“I know, honey.” Dawn said, rubbing soothing circles on her sobbing sister’s back. “It’ll be ok, you’ll see.”

Neither of the two women noticed Cordelia slowly opening the walk-in closet’s door and stepping out of it with a pair of shoes in her hands.

Buffy finally looked up when she heard Dawn say: “Shit!” and saw her friend staring at her in silence.

She sat up and wiped the tears from her cheeks. “Cordelia…”

“Why didn’t you tell me, Buffy?”

“I didn’t want to get the speech. You know the one about how stupid I am?”

“You didn’t want to get ‘the speech’. Geez, sorry but it’s coming. It’s right there waiting to come out of my mouth.”

“I love him, Cordelia. I’m sorry if you think that makes me an idiot. I can’t help it.”

“Ok. Fine. Let’s say you do love him.” She said while coming to sit next to Buffy and Dawn. “Then what? You’ll marry a convict and you’ll see him once a month in the spouses visit trailer? Oh yeah… after you lose your job, of course. Seriously, Buffy. Isn’t the guy in prison for the rest of his fucking life?”

“I’m working on it.” Buffy answered grimly.

Cordelia chuckled humorlessly at her friend’s answer. “You’re… working on it?! Doing what?”

“You’re being a bitch, Cordy. You’re supposed to be my friend in case you forgot. This attitude you have right there? That’s why I didn’t tell you.”

“Buffy?” Cordelia took Buffy’s hands in hers, forcing the blonde woman to look at her. “I’m being a bitch BECAUSE I am your friend. I might not know all the details, but this sounds like a guaranteed broken heart to me. Now tell me, what is this thing you’re working on exactly? Maybe it’ll convince me that you haven’t completely lost your mind.”

Buffy knew that it would convince Cordelia of the exact opposite and that she would probably try to have her locked up in a mental institution after she told Cordy about her plan, but she said it anyway.

“The guy who committed the murder that William has been accused of lives in Sunnydale. His name is Liam MacAlister. Him and his wife Darla don’t even know I exist, or that I have anything to do with William. I’m planning on trying to get into their social circle. I was told the only way to prove that Spike is innocent is to get a confession, and I will get it. I’ll make them trust me, and then I’ll find a way to get what I want.”

Cordelia looked pale. “Oh God. My best friend has gone insane,” She stated quietly, shaking her head. “Buffy, if that crazy son of a bitch was really crazy enough to kill that girl like you said, that means he certainly won’t hesitate to do it again. Especially if it’s someone who threatens to reveal his secret and send him to jail. Buffy, I know I can be harsh with you sometimes, but I DO love you, blondie. I would hate for you to get yourself killed for some guy.”

“What would you do if Xander was rotting in jail by mistake, Cordy?”

Cordelia didn’t hesitating a second. “He’s not just some guy, he’s ‘the one’”

Buffy didn’t answer. She just looked at Cordelia without a word, her eyes filling up with tears.

“Sweet Jesus Buffy!”

“He’s innocent and I’ll prove it. Even if it kills me.”

“Yeah. That’s exactly what I’m afraid of.”

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Chapter 22
Not feeling so trust worthy

Buffy looked around before taking a sip of her beer straight from the bottle. They hadn’t even offered her a glass. Probably a good thing if she didn’t want to stick out like a sore thumb in that dive they called a bar. Her first thought had been to order a Cosmopolitan--her drink of choice--but the bartender at The Fish Tank probably didn’t even know what that was. And since the idea tonight was to blend in, she had looked around and ordered what everybody was drinking: beer.

She felt as out of place in the dark, rank bar as one can be, but she did her best to hide her discomfort. To the casual observer, the blonde girl in too tight faded jeans, black stiletto boots and simple black tank top was just another chick looking for a good time. But Buffy had a very specific reason for being there. She wanted a closer look at Angel and Darla. And since it seemed like this was the only place they ever frequented, her chances of seeing them there were pretty good.

Of course, Cordelia hadn’t been too thrilled to see her leaving so soon after Christmas, especially knowing that the reason behind Buffy’s early departure probably had something to do with Spike. But her friend had the decency to not say anything in front of Joyce. Buffy was grateful to her for this. Now, she was back in Sunnydale and ready to start her secret mission. She wouldn’t sit back and wait any longer. She had to act. Spike was not going to spend another Christmas in jail, ever. At least, not if she had something to say about it. She planned on becoming a familiar face at The Fish Tank. This way, the day she decided to finally approach Angel and Darla, it wouldn’t seem too odd. The last thing she needed was for them to put two and two together and find out that she’d been following them. If she was just another regular at the bar, they wouldn’t be asking questions.

Buffy’s head snapped up when the chair facing her was pulled. She let out a breath of relief when she saw that it was only Faith. She had to relax. She was so nervous that it probably showed on her face.

The brunette slumped on the chair and snickered. “Damn, B. You’re full of surprises, aren’t you? When you called me and asked if I wanted to meet you here, I thought you were making fun of me. This shit hole so doesn’t look like the kind of place where you’d hang out.”

Buffy smirked, before taking a swig of her beer. “And what IS my type of place, according to you?”

She had called Faith at the last minute to ask her to tag along. Buffy didn’t feel confident enough to go to the bar on her own. It was stupid, but she’d always gone to clubs and bars with friends in the past. She wasn’t one of those confident women who just sit behind the bar on their lonesome self, not giving a damn what anybody thinks of them. She thought it would be best if she’d take someone with her, at least for the first time. And Faith seemed like the best choice. Plus, Buffy enjoyed her company. The girl was a little rough around the edges, but fun. And she could teach her a thing or two about how to behave in such a place in order to get respect.

“Don’t know. Some posh place, filled with people that look nice, smell nice, and drink those fancy cocktails with a cherry and a straw. A place where folks whose annual income has at least six zeros go to socialize without having to deal with the scum. Somehow, I thought you were too classy for The Fish Tank.”

“Prejudice, Faith. I thought we were past that first impression?”

“Hey, I didn’t say you were stuck up. If you weren’t cool, I wouldn’t be hanging out with you. I’m not really a people person, in case you haven‘t noticed.”

Buffy laughed. “No kidding!”

“What I’m saying is, I think you’re too good for this place. That’s why I was surprised as hell when you called.”

“Believe it or not, I’m not the happy hour martini kinda girl. I’d much rather spend my evening here than sip on a cocktail and discuss philosophy with pretentious jerks. Here, the beer is good, the music is loud, and I don’t have to dress to impress. I can be myself.” She smiled warmly at the other woman. “There. Now, you know my little secret. Buffy Summers hangs out in dives.”

Faith gave her in incredulous look. “You’re too much, you know that?”

Buffy really hated lying to Faith. She was the first one who had befriended her and she could see that the brunette trusted her completely. But it wasn’t a big lie. She did avoid the more upscale bars in favor of more down to earth places. But she still would have never set foot in a place like this one if it wasn’t for her ulterior motive.

A big guy walked up to them and made a lewd comment, hoping to get lucky. Unfortunately for him, Faith’s sharp mind had a rude come back all ready for him, effectively breaking any kind of hope he might have had to get laid. But while Faith was busy rebuffing the jerk, Buffy spotted what she was looking for. The petite blonde woman she now referred to as Darla-the-whore, and the tall dark haired man, also known as Angel-the-murderer.

Something must have shown on her face, because Faith asked her if she was OK.

“You’re looking a bit pale there, B. Something wrong?”

She tried her best to smile at her. “Nah. I just thought I saw my ex. It’s not him though. Thank God.”

“Bad break up?”

“Yeah, I guess you can say that. He was a psycho.”

“I’ve dated my share of psychos, so I know how that feels. Why do you think I’m single? Hot chick like me flying solo, there’s gotta be a damn good reason, right?”

Buffy chuckled, trying to make it look like she was paying attention to what Faith was saying while still keeping her eyes on the couple across the room.

Darla was leaning against the jukebox while Angel was picking a song, and her high pitched laughter could be heard all the way to where Buffy and Faith were sitting. She was wearing a very short Catholic school girl skirt and a red t-shirt that showed too much cleavage, and her shoulder length, thin blonde hair was down.

**A grown woman dressing like a fifteen year old, how very pathetic** Buffy thought to herself.

“That bitch defines the word skanky. Did you see her? She should get her ass kicked just for wearing that.”

Buffy grinned. “Just what I was thinking.”

She winced at Angel’s choice of song, rolling her eyes when she recognized it. Other patrons gave annoyed looks to the man by the jukebox, but he didn‘t seem to notice.

Oh Mandy well,
You came and you gave without taking,
But I sent you away.
Oh, Mandy well,
You kissed me and stopped me from shaking,
And I need you today.
Oh, Mandy!

“Mandy?!” Faith exclaimed, outraged at the man’s bad taste. “Someone should knock that idiot unconscious for imposing this piece of crap on us.”

“Amen to that.” Buffy laughed, even thought she didn’t feel as amused as she let on. She couldn’t take her eyes off the happy couple. Angel was mouthing the words of the song to his wife. They didn’t have a care in the world. It just strengthened her resolve to take them down. It would be torture to pretend to be friendly with them, but she’d do it. She’d do whatever it took. She just had to wait for the right time.

“Buffy?”

Snapping out of her thoughts, she turned her attention to Faith who was now sitting side ways on her chair, her back against the wall and her legs stretched out in front of her. She was looking intently at her, obviously waiting for an answer to a question Buffy hadn’t heard.

“Sorry, what?”

“I said, do you want another drink?”

Buffy finally noticed the waiter standing next to their table, looking down Faith’s top unashamedly. The brunette didn’t seem to mind too much.

“Huh, yeah. Another drink would be great. Thanks.”

Faith was uncharacteristically silent for a moment. When she spoke, her good humor was gone.

“B, I just wanted to say thanks for being so nice to me even after what I’ve done. I thought you’d be more hesitant to hang out with me, you know?”

The confused look on Buffy’s face was genuine. “What are you talking about? What did you do?”

Faith opened her eyes wide, shocked that Buffy wouldn’t know. “You mean you don’t know? I’d thought that having big mouth Barbie working in your office, you’d be aware of all the gossip.”

“Well, Harmony and I don’t talk that much. What is it I should know?”

Faith seemed flustered. “I guess I should keep my trap shut if you don’t already know, but you’ve been a good friend since you started working at the prison and I want to come clean with you. I got the last warden fired. I’m the snitch who went to the authorities to report him.”

“And that’s bad? The guy was stealing money from the prison…”

**Guess it is bad in a way,** Buffy thought. **If she ever finds out I’m sleeping with one of the prisoners, she probably won’t be so friendly anymore…**

“Yeah, it is a good thing that I told. Nobody else had the guts to do it. But the reason why it’s bad is that Wilkins trusted me. He was my friend and my protector and I backstabbed him. That’s why I was worried that you wouldn’t trust me to be your friend. Let’s just say I don’t have the best of history with wardens.”

“Why do you say that? Is there something else?”

“I also dated the one before him.”

Buffy didn’t know what to say to this. “And… It didn’t end well? Wait. It wasn’t the one who..?”

“Offed himself?” Faith supplied helpfully. “Yes. Robin Woods. First man I’ve ever loved. Selfish bastard did it in my apartment. I had to move out after that, I just couldn’t sleep there anymore. The guy had issues, things he couldn’t deal with, including his mother being killed in front of him when he was a kid. He could never get over that. Unfortunately, people didn’t know all this and they started rumors saying that I pushed him over the edge. That’s when Wilkins arrived and took me under his wing.”

“Is that why you feel so guilty over reporting him?”

“Wouldn’t you?”

“I guess. But they guy was evil, Faith. I understand you feel like you owed him something, but at the same time, you’re not responsible for his actions. And knowing that won’t stop me from trusting you or being your friend. You did the right thing. People are quick to judge.”

“That, they are.” Faith finally managed to look Buffy in the eyes. “Thanks. Means a lot what you said. I promise to never let you down.”

“And I promise not to give you a reason to have to report me.” Buffy chuckled at the look on Faith’s face.

“Ha, ha. Lil’ Miss Muffet is a funny girl. Who would have known.”

**Yeah, I'm worthy of her trust alright.** Buffy thought sourly, trying to hide her sudden worries behind a smile **I already did give her a reason to report me. Let's just hope she never finds out.**

Buffy looked around the bar to try locating Angel and Darla, but with no luck. They were gone.

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Chapter 23
Caught in a tangle

She was nervous. Very, nervous. When she’d asked Giles to go get Spike, he hadn’t said a word, he simply obeyed, but he did so with a frown on his face. Buffy knew he was probably starting to find the frequency at which she met with the prisoner suspicious. She knew she had to be more careful, but to be fair, she hadn’t thought Giles would be working. He wasn’t supposed to. But neither was she. She was supposed to be on holiday the entire week between Christmas and New Year, but hadn’t been able to resist seeing Spike. She still hadn’t opened his gift and she was dying to. She had missed him terribly the last weekend and needed to spend some time with him, even if it was just a few minutes. So she’d shown up at work, justifying her presence by saying she had some paperwork to attend to, even though Willow had kept things running smoothly in her absence.

She looked great. Something Giles hadn’t failed to notice. Too good for work, as he not too subtly mentioned. But she justified her cheerful outfit by saying she was going to a dinner right after and wouldn’t have time to change. He seemed to buy it. Her hair was down and fell in soft curls on her shoulders. She had on a light pink, off the shoulder sweater and a gray skirt with a black and pink lace trim that fell in soft waves around her knees. The look was completed by high heeled Mary Janes in a darker shade of gray. Girly, yet sexy. She looked amazing and it was all for Spike. She thought he needed some holiday cheer.

There was a knock and Buffy looked up from a file she was reading, just in time to see the door opening and Spike being led inside by Giles.

“Here he is, Buffy. I’ll be in my office if you need me.”

Before she could answer, Giles had left the office, closing the door behind him. Spike frowned.

“The bloke’s getting rude. The American culture must be rubbing off on him. Poor bastard.”

Buffy pouted, but it was obviously only for show. “We’re not all rude, you know. Besides, I don’t think you should laugh. I’m actually worried that he might suspect something is going on.”

Buffy stood up and went to lean against her desk. Spike gave her an appreciative look, obviously approving of the outfit she picked for him. He forgot for a minute what the conversation topic was all about.

Snapping out of his daze, he finally got his voice back. “What makes you think that, pet? He could just be in a bad mood. Not everybody loves the bleedin’ holidays.”

“I guess you’re right. I could just be really paranoid. But when I told him I needed to see you because Snyder complained to Willow that you were threatening him and he was scared for his safety--”

Spike smirked, clearly amused.

“--Giles just took his glasses off, cleaned them with his handkerchief, and he remained silent for the longest time, just giving me that look… I can’t really explain it. But when he cleans his glasses like that, it’s because there’s something on his mind.”

Spike tilted his head to the side to look at her. “Are we going to waste the little time we have together talking about good old Rupert, or do you think we could find something better to do? Cause if you’re out of ideas, I have a few of my own.”

Buffy smiled shyly at him and opened her arms in a welcoming gesture. He didn’t hesitate, coming to stand in front of her, enjoying the feel of her arms wrapped tightly around him, and her warm lips caressing his.

When she finally broke the kiss, it was to ask with a tiny, little girl’s voice: “Can I open my present now?”

With a mischievous glint in his blue eyes, Spike took a step back and reached for the buttons of his shirt. “Sure thing, pet.”

She laughed and swatted at his hands. “Not that one!” She reached behind her on the desk and took the little box wrapped in gold paper. “This ONE!”

“Bugger! And I thought I was gonna get lucky.” Spike joked. “C’mon pet, open it. You’ve been bloody patient enough already. You shouldn’t have waited. You could have opened it at home.”

“Nah, it wouldn’t have been the same. I wanted you to be there.”

She tore through the paper, and he could easily imagine what she might have looked like as a little girl, sitting by the tree, opening her presents on Christmas morning.

Buffy carefully opened the velvet box and stared in wonder at its content. “Oh my God, Spike… I mean… Oh my GOD! This is gorgeous!!”

Her eyes watered and she outlined the diamond and ruby encrusted heart shaped pendant with the tip of her fingers.

The shy and insecure poet hidden somewhere in Spike made a brief appearance as he looked down at his hands, unsure of himself.

“So you like it then? Cause if you don’t, it’s OK. I can ask Clem to take it back and you can choose something else.”

“Are you crazy? I absolutely love it. I’ll never take it off, I swear.”

“Well put it on, then.” He said, happy that she liked his gift.

She did as he asked, putting the pendant around her neck. The sweater she was wearing was perfect to showcase the sparkling jewel.

“You’re breathtaking, Buffy.” He whispered reverently against her lips. “I love you.”

“I love you too, baby.”

She hopped on her desk and they kissed passionately, pouring all their emotions into the act. Getting frustrated by his handcuffed hands, he broke the kiss to put his arms around her. His hands instinctively went to play with her silky golden tresses. He dragged his lips down her jaw, all the way to her throat, lavishing her warm skin with light kisses and nibbles.

Buffy sighed softly, partly from the pleasure, and partly from regret of what she had to say. “You can’t stay long, Spike. I’m sorry. But with Giles acting weird, I don’t want to take a risk.”

“I know, luv. It’s OK. I’m already more than happy that I got to see you today. I wasn’t expecting it. Bleedin’ good surprise though.”

“I’m glad you liked it. I couldn’t stand the thought of you being here all alone for the holidays. I know fifteen minutes two days after Christmas isn’t much, but it’s the best I could do. Maybe there will be a riot on New Year’s Eve and I’ll have to stop by…” Buffy frowned, realizing what she just said. “Damn, I really shouldn’t say stuff like that with my luck, or more like total lack of it.”

Spike chuckled. “Come on now, pet. You should call Giles.”

He lifted his arms to let her go, but froze when a huge chunk of her hair came with his handcuffs.

His brows furrowed in worry and he swallowed nervously, then tried again. This time, he got a loud “Ow!” from Buffy.

“Fucking buggering hell!”

“Spike?” Buffy asked, panicked. “What was that?”

“That,” he mumbled, still trying to free his hands from her tangled hair with minimal pain, “was my blasted handcuffs caught in your bloody hair.”

All blood drained from Buffy’s face.

“You’re kidding, right? Please tell me you’re kidding--Please?”

“Does it look like I’m kidding?”

“Well do something!” Buffy exclaimed, her voice significantly higher in pitch.

“M’trying, Buffy! Give a bloke a chance, would you?”

“Just pull on it!!”

“There’s too much hair caught in it, if I do that, I’ll take a chunk of your skin with it.”

The longer Spike fumbled to try to free her hair from the handcuffs, the more Buffy’s heartbeat increased in pace, until it reached a panicked frenzy. When realization finally sank in, tears started streaming down her face.

“Hey now, pet. Don’t cry! It’s gonna be OK. I’ll fix this. It’s just that I can’t see very well. Give me a minute and I’ll fix it. I promise.”

“No you won’t.” She said, her voice lifeless.

“Hey! Have a little faith in me, would you?”

“Spike! Stop wasting your time. You should already have left my office at least ten minutes ago. You can’t spend all afternoon trying to fix this. What’s done is done.”

He stopped what he was doing and looked at her, eyes dark with dread. “What are you saying, Warden? It better not be what I bloody well think it is.”

She took a deep breath and reached up to wipe her tears away. “I’m sorry. I don’t have a choice.”

Buffy took the phone on her desk and dialed the extension number.

“Buffy don’t do that! You’re going to get fired. Don’t…”

“Hello, Giles? I’m having a bit of a problem here. Could you come into my office? Don’t knock, just walk in and make sure to shut the door behind you.”

She hung up before the guard could say anything, and turned to Spike. There were fresh tears in her eyes.

“Kiss me?.. One last time?” She pleaded.

The pain in her voice nearly broke his heart. Spike crushed his lips to hers and kissed her with all he had, trying to memorize the feel of her body against his, her lips, her taste.

They broke apart and waited, incapable of looking at each other.

After a long, agonizing moment, the door opened.

There was a loud gasp, followed by a “Bloody Hell!” Buffy and Spike turned their heads just in time to see Giles pull out his stick, ready to defend Buffy.

“No!” She yelled loud enough to stop him in his tracks. “It’s not what you think!”

Realizing Giles had thought he was attacking Buffy, and thinking quickly, Spike jumped on the opportunity to save her job. “Yes! It’s exactly what you think! I attacked her. See? I’m a bad, evil man, and I wanted to do nasty things to her and my handcuffs just got caught in her hair.”

“Shut up, Spike! He’s not stupid.”

“No, you shut up, you stupid bint!” Spike hissed between clenched teeth. “Trying to be all noble here. Work with me.”

“I’m standing right here.” Giles finally managed to say after the shock wore off. “I can hear you.”

“Bloody fucking hell!” Spike muttered.

Buffy’s resigned voice interrupted them. “Handcuffs stuck in my hair. Could you please cut it off so we can end this embarrassing moment?”

Giles’ face was an unreadable mask as he approached them to assess the situation. He tried pulling the hair free from the handcuffs without having to cut it.

Spike let out a sound between a sob and an hysterical laugh. He was panicking. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Now his girl would lose her job because of his carelessness. He’d never see her again. It was over.

“I don’t see what’s so funny, Spike.” Buffy snapped. Anger was temporarily replacing the pure terror she was feeling. She was losing him and he was laughing?!

“No. Not funny. Not funny at all. I’m sorry, it’s all my fault.”

“Damn right it is.” She snapped at him, her reactions dictated by her rising fear.

“Hey! I SAID I’m sorry…”

“Oh, you’re sorry? Well so am I, but it won’t change anything.”

“And what am I supposed to do, Buffy? It bloody happened. It’s not like I can undo it you know! Not that I don’t wish I could, believe me. ”

“You’re supposed to comfort me and tell me it’s gonna be alright!.. Not tell me that what’s done is done!” She said bitterly, tears welling up in her eyes.

Spike closed his eyes in frustration, his jaw clenched almost painfully. “I’m sorry you think I’m being a right bastard, pet, but I’m just as freaked out as you are you know. Sorry to disappoint you by not saying the right soddin’ thing.” He said, desperately trying to keep the fear from his voice. He wanted to comfort her, but there was nothing he could say that would ever make this situation better.

Buffy shut her eyes tightly and let out a shaky breath. “God, I can’t believe this is really happening.”

They were both so caught in their argument that they almost forgot about Giles.

“That’s quite enough, you two!” Giles growled angrily. An uncomfortable silence instantly settled over them as Giles focused on trying to free the prisoner’s handcuffs from Buffy’s hair.

After a few minutes of looking closely at the knot of golden hair and pulling not too gently on one small strand after the other to get them out of the metal links around which the hair was twisted, she was finally free.

The guard directed his angry gaze at Spike. “You. Come with me. And if I hear a word from you, I swear to God, you’ll find out why people called me Ripper when I was younger.” He turned to face Buffy. “And you and I will have a talk when I get back.”

Buffy watched helplessly as Giles took Spike away from her. She went to sit behind her desk, and finally broke down in tears. Burying her face in her hands, she waited for Giles to return with her sentence.

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Chapter 24
On Edge

The man walking with angry strides next to Spike was scaring him beyond any level of fright he had ever experienced before. Mainly, because he held his faith, as well as the faith of the woman he loved, in his hands. And if his heavy silence was any indication, the future wasn’t looking too bright. Spike wasn’t feeling like the twenty five year old man he was at the moment, more like a five year old little boy forced to walk along the Boogie man. The way back to his cell was painfully long. An eternity made even longer by the torturous silence that hung between them. But Spike hadn’t taken the older British man’s threats lightly and would never dare test him by opening his mouth, no matter how heavy the silence was becoming.

Giles led Spike from one hallway to another, ignoring the greetings he got from a few coworkers. From the corner of his eye, Spike could see the other man’s jaw clenched in what looked like an almost painful way. As if he was trying to break every tooth in his mouth to quell his overwhelming anger. A flow of conflicting emotions were battling for dominance on the guard’s face, but no matter how hard he tried, Spike couldn’t figure out what was going on in his head. There was something that looked strangely like disappointment there, but he had no idea what this had to do with the situation. Anger and disgust at finding out that his boss was fooling around with a prisoner, that, he could understand. But disappointment had no place in this as far as he knew.

They went through a few gates, and into the section where the holding cells were located. With every step, Spike’s anxiety was increasing in a dizzying way until it was too much for him to bear.

“Giles…”

“Shut your mouth!”

The silence was restored as fast as it had ended. They went up to the second level, where Spike’s cell was located. He was surprised he hadn’t been taken to isolation right away. With Giles’ foul mood, he had expected it, as well as a swift kick to the ribs. Maybe more. But instead, he was opening the cell Spike shared with Snyder. The guard pushed him unceremoniously inside and violently slammed the door shut.

“Your hands!” He barked angrily when Spike just stood there.

Giles was holding up the keys to the prisoner’s handcuffs, waiting for him to put his hands through the space between the bars so he could take them off. But Spike hesitated, seeing this as his only chance to speak up.

“Don’t get her fired. Please, mate. Don’t report her. It’s not her fault, she didn’t do anything wrong, I did. It was all me. She’s a good person and she loves her job. Do whatever you want to me, I don’t bloody care. But don’t take it away from her.”

Giles yanked Spike’s hands toward him to unlock the handcuffs. “She’s a grown woman. She doesn’t need scum like you defending her. Obviously, she’s already decided her job wasn’t her first priority.”

“Please! I don’t want anything bad happening to her… I love her.”

“Shut up, Spike.” Giles spat hatefully at him. He grabbed the prisoner by the front of his shirt and pulled him roughly against the metal bars of his cell. “You’re beneath her, and I don’t care what you have to say. I really don’t.

Spike could only watch as the guard walked away. He felt more helpless at this moment than ever before in his life. He wanted nothing more than to run after Giles and pound some sense into his head, but the bars were efficiently holding him back.

Pulling out his pack of cigarettes from his shirt pocket, he lit one with unsteady fingers and went to sit on the hard cot. He couldn’t stop shaking as he replayed the earlier events over and over again in his head. He regretted that the last words exchanged between Buffy and him had been harsh. But it hardly mattered now. Not when his girl was about to face Giles on her own. Insecurity gripped Spike’s heart firmly when he thought of what they had, what they were about to lose. She had said she loved him, but chances were she was regretting ever meeting him now that she was about to lose her job.

He knew it was selfish of him to be bitter about the possibility that she was regretting their time together but he couldn’t help it. He loved her and cherished every second they’d ever spent together. But to be fair, unlike her, he had nothing to lose. She had everything to lose.

Imagining her alone in her office, nervous and scared, Spike felt a pang of guilt hit him. This was all because of him. If only he had never kissed her that day, life would have gone on for her and she wouldn‘t be in that mess. But he realized he was doing exactly what he was afraid she’d be doing: regretting their time together. No, he couldn‘t regret. Did that make him a bad man? Did that make him selfish? He didn‘t know anymore. His emotions were a confused jumble.

**I’m so sorry, Buffy.**

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Buffy had been waiting for ten minutes but it felt more like ten hours. She couldn’t take it anymore. She was so nervous that she jumped every few minutes, sure that she heard someone approaching her door. It was the most nerve wracking moment she had ever experienced and to be honest, she couldn’t have gone her entire life without experiencing it.

So many thoughts were bouncing around in her head. She couldn’t focus on one for more than a second. The distress in Spike’s eyes, the cold anger on Giles’ face, the way her heart had been racing… Feeling powerless to stop the events from unfolding the way they were. She was left with nothing. She had known that the minute she had picked up the phone to call Giles. But it couldn’t be helped. She had no choice. Or did she?

Maybe she could have given Spike more time to try to free her from the handcuffs. Maybe she could have found something in her office to cut her hair with. Maybe it wouldn’t have hurt that much if he’d just pulled her hair out. Maybe she could have called Dawn and have her teleport herself inside her office to fix it and make things right. God, she was driving herself crazy! No. There was nothing else she could have done. She just hoped she was being overly dramatic by saying that she was about to lose everything. Maybe Giles would come back in the office and laugh with her at how ironic the situation had been. Or maybe he’d be touched by how romantic her forbidden romance with Spike was.

There it was again. The ‘maybes’. Yes, the wait was definitely driving her crazy.

When the door finally opened, she looked up with wild eyes, feeling like a trapped animal. She was so on edge that when she saw that it was only Harmony, she lost it.

“What the fuck did I say about knocking?!” She yelled at her bewildered secretary. “Don’t you have any goddamn manners!”

Turning bright red and not knowing what to say, the other woman turned to leave.

Buffy felt sorry almost instantly for lashing out at her. “Harmony, I’m sorry…” But it was too late, she was already gone.

Getting up, Buffy paced the length of her office, biting on her nails.

“I can’t do this, I can’t do this, I can’t do this…” She repeated over and over like a mantra.

Finally, feeling like a coward, she grabbed her jacket and her purse. She knew it would only make matters worst, but she would never be able to have a decent talk with Giles in her current state. She’d only sob hysterically and say things that would make everything worst instead of helping. She needed to do this with a clear head if she wanted to have a shot at convincing him to give her a chance. So she would leave. She knew it wasn’t very grown up of her to walk away from her responsibilities and that it would only give Giles more reasons to think of her as an irresponsible airhead…

**That’s not what he thinks, Buffy. He probably thinks you’re a whore who uses the prisoners to work out your kinks. Some kind of nymphomaniac ho who uses her status as the warden to get what she wants. Oh God!**

This train of thought only made her panic even more and strengthened her resolve to leave as fast as she could, her tail tucked safely between her legs. She would get fired anyway so why should she care if Giles despised her a little more than he already did?

Hair messed up, eyes red and puffy, she walked out of her office. She stopped in front of Harmony’s desk, shame flooding through her at the way she had treated her secretary a moment ago.

“I’m so sorry, Harm… I didn’t mean… I’m having the day from hell.”

The blonde woman sitting behind the desk huffed, obviously still angry, although there was some curiosity behind her eyes when she looked up at Buffy.

“Please--Giles is coming. Tell him… Tell him I’m sorry. He’ll know what it’s about. Tell him I went home and I’ll see him tomorrow.”

Before Harmony could say anything, Buffy had ran out as if the Devil was coming for her.

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Giles knew she had been waiting for a long time and it wasn’t fair of him to torture her like this, but he had to calm down first before being able to face her. But stalling wasn’t going to change anything. No matter how many times he rehearsed what he was going to say, what questions he was going to ask, he knew that emotions would take over and he’d probably act like a right wanker. He had taken this young woman under his protection, had trusted her, believed in her. How could she do this? No. Why would be a more appropriate question. She must have a reason. Something that would explain it. Maybe he misread the whole situation. But the only way to find out would be to go to her office and face her. And hope that he’d manage to control his temper and wouldn’t start by throwing accusations at her.

He walked past Harmony’s desk with no intention of asking permission to go into Buffy’s office, but the secretary stopped him rather efficiently.

“She’s not in there.”

Giles stopped in his tracks, and turned to face the blonde girl. “What do you mean, she’s not in there? She was supposed to be waiting for me.”

“She was way weird. Between you and me, not to be nosy or anything, but she looked like she’d been crying. First, she yells at me, then she’s all weepy and all that. I really don’t get that…”

“Would you get to the bleeding point already!”

“Geez! What is it? Was there a memo passed around the office saying that it was ok to yell at the poor defenseless secretary today?”

Gritting his teeth and taking a deep breath, Giles tried to call down. “I’m terribly sorry I hurt your feelings, but would you please tell me where Ms. Summers is?”

Harmony decided at that moment that fake polite Giles was way scarier than loud yelling Giles, so she repeated what Buffy told her, word for word.

The British guard standing in front of her didn’t look too pleased with the message she gave him.

“Bloody hell.” He mumbled under his breath before rushing out of the office.

Harmony stared after him, mouth gapping. She finally shook her head in disbelief.

“GOD! Has everybody taken their crazy pills today or what?!”

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Chapter 25
You can run, but you can't hide

The sun had set a while ago on the suburb, casting the inside of the house in darkness and shadows. The only source of light was the lamp above the kitchen table where Buffy was sitting. She’d been sitting there for a few hours now, waiting for the world to end, for the ground to give way beneath her, swallowing her, her house and, why not, Sunnydale as a whole. But it never came. No apocalypse. Just a woman sitting at her kitchen table with a bottle of wine, looking like the very definition of pathetic.

Early afternoon, she’d fled the prison, half expecting Giles to run after her in the parking lot. It was very unlike her to run from a confrontation. She had always faced her battles head on, even when she was terrified. But today, she had met her inner coward for the first time and hadn’t been able to resist the need to escape the dreaded conversation that was sure to happen. So she’d gone home, sat at the kitchen table, and tried not to think.

Many hours later, she still hadn’t moved, except to get a bottle of wine. She was a mess, physically and emotionally. Her pretty skirt was wrinkled from sitting too long, her make up smudged from rubbing her eyes and crying, giving the illusion of many sleepless nights, and her hair… God, she couldn’t think of her stupid hair. The reason she was in this mess in the first place.

**No, Buffy. The reason you’re in this mess is because you were stupid enough to fall in love with a convict. The hair is innocent. You’re guilty.** She mocked herself.

But despite the horribly fucked up situation, she could not bring herself to regret the too short moments with him, the quick phone conversations, the sweet words they’d exchanged in emails or text messaging. And most of all, she could not regret opening her heart to a man for the first time.

All her life, Buffy had been told that she couldn’t find love because she expected too much. According to her friends and family, she’d read too many romance novels, watched too many sappy love movies, listened to too many love songs. Life was not like a Bon Jovi song, men could never measure up to Patrick Swayze, and love at first sight was a notion invented by unhappy women bored with their lives. Normal people meet, date for a while, learn to appreciate the other person, and eventually, learn to love the other person. That’s life. That’s REAL life. But to Buffy, it all sounded too boring to bear and she’d decided that she’d rather be single forever and dream. That’s until her romantic idea of love was proven to exist the day William Rayne walked into her life. But of course, it was only to mock her by taking it all away just a few months later. Life is such a bitch.

There was a sharp knock at her door. A wave of nausea washed over her and the pace of her heartbeat increased dramatically.

She tried to ignore it, hoping the person responsible for the noise would give up and leave. No such luck. The knocking broke the silence again, more insistently. It could only be one person. Honestly, she was surprised that he’d go as far as showing up at her place to face her. Realizing she couldn’t put it off any longer, she decided to be brave. Buffy got up, and went to open the door.

Seeing Rupert Giles standing there, looking upset, she couldn’t help the snort from escaping, and the sarcasm from crossing her lips.

“I see. You just couldn’t wait until morning to yell at me now, could you?”

She left him standing there and went back to her place at the kitchen table. She poured herself another glass of wine and drank half of it in one large gulp.

Giles closed the door and came to stand in front of her, looking agitated. He motioned with his hand in the general direction of the wine bottle. “Is this helping the situation?”

“Not yet. But I’m expecting the effect to kick in any time now.”

“I didn’t think this was your way of dealing…”

“See? That’s great. Everybody thinks they got me figured out. Little Miss Buffy Anne Summers, also known as Miss Goodie Two Shoes, who does the right thing all the time, makes the right decisions, never disappoints anybody… well turns out, you were all wrong. I’m not a champion. I’m allowed to be a coward like anybody else if I want to.” She pouted and swallowed the rest of her glass.

“So that’s your solution? Run away from me, lock yourself safely in your house and get drunk, hoping the problem will just go away on its own? You’re right. I am disappointed.”

“It was worth a try.”

“Oh, do be quiet, Buffy. This is no laughing matter.”

“Do I look like I’m laughing?” She finally looked at him. Her eyes were tired, like the fight had finally gone out of her. “Why don’t you go ahead, Giles? Tell me what’s on your mind. Get it over with. You’re gonna report me? Fine. Skip the lecture and just do it.”

He pulled a chair and sat in front of her. “That’s what I should do. And maybe I will. I don’t know yet. It would be the right thing to do. But the right thing isn’t always the best thing. Call me an old fool, but I’d rather you tell me what happened first. I trusted you, Buffy. Was I wrong?”

She narrowed her eyes angrily at him. “Obviously, you already know the answer to this question. I fucked up. I betrayed your trust. There. You got the entire story. Now, can you just leave me so I can curl up in bed and die?”

“That's enough self pity! Now, will you tell me what the bloody hell is going on, or do I have to draw my own conclusions? So far, the ones I came up with are highly disturbing and I very well hope I’m wrong. So tell me,” He asked, looking her straight in the eyes, “Was he the only one or are there others?”

Shock and anger flashed in Buffy’s eyes. “How DARE you!”

“How am I supposed to know, Buffy? Like you said yourself, everything I thought I knew about you flew out the window. And I don’t have any answers about what happened today because when I got back to your office, you were long gone. All I know is that I saw you with a prisoner’s arms around you, and instead of telling me what happened, you shower me with bloody sarcasm and self pity. So if you don’t want me to think less of you, why don’t you just tell…”

“I love him.”

Giles shut his mouth and looked at her with an unreadable expression. He finally sighed and took off his glasses. He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Bloody hell.”

“I didn’t mean for it to happen. It just did. I’m not some sex freak who calls random convicts in her office to screw them, if that’s what you think.”

Giles’ voice was softer when he spoke again. “Of course that’s not what I think. I only tried to shock you into giving me answers.” He took a deep breath before continuing. “Buffy, you are the Warden. You can’t get involved with inmates. You have responsibilities. I know it must sometimes feel like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders and we can’t ask you to be perfect, but you have to remember that all eyes are on you. You said it yourself, most of the staff is just waiting for you to screw up…”

“And I did. I know that. But I didn’t wake up one morning thinking: “hey, why don’t I fall in love with a convict today? Could be fun.” It wasn’t planned, Giles.”

“Good Lord.” Giles sighed heavily. “I think I’d kill for a drink right now. Would you mind?”

“Sure. What would you like?”

“Something strong. Whiskey if you have some.”

Buffy got up and quickly made her way to the basement to get the bottle of whiskey and a glass. She felt a little better. She couldn’t help the spark of hope that had ignited in her heart. Giles’ reaction wasn’t nearly as bad as she thought it would be. She knew it didn’t mean she was out of the woods, but it was a good start. Maybe if she played her cards right, she could convince him not to report her. Though it didn’t solve the problem of her and Spike. Even if Giles let her keep her job, he certainly wouldn’t let her keep seeing Spike. And that was… Well, that was unacceptable. But she didn’t know what she would do. Quitting her job would keep her from Spike, and staying would have the same result. She was on the verge of tears again.

Trying to control her raging emotions the best she could, she went back upstairs. Giles hadn’t moved from his chair. He was wiping his glasses with a handkerchief, obviously lost in his thoughts. She put the bottle down on the table and sat back down in front of him.

“Here.” She said after pouring him a glass of the amber liquid. “I hope this helps.”

“Yes, thank you. I presume it shouldn’t take too long before--how did you put it--the effect kicks in.”

She gave him a weak smile.

“I’m almost afraid to ask but, how long as this been going on exactly?”

“Exactly? Well, huh, about a week after I started working at the prison.”

“Dear Lord.” He muttered under his breath, shaking his head slightly. “You do realize this has to stop, right?”

The sudden paleness of her face and her prolonged silence alarmed him.

“Buffy? Are you alright?”

She nodded weakly, not feeling alright at all. This was what she feared the most.

“You didn’t think this could go on indefinitely, did you?”

“I… I can’t. Giles, I really can’t.”

“You can’t what, Buffy?”

Tears welled up in her large hazel eyes, threatening to spill. “I can’t not see him.”

“Buffy, this is insane. You can‘t possibly think you can continue with this relationship. It‘s impossible.” His voice was gentle, trying to softened the edge of his words.

But the result was the same. Buffy broke down into loud sobs.

Giles got up and took a seat on the chair next to her. He awkwardly pulled her into his arms to try to comfort her the best he could. After a while, he finally spoke again. There was a hesitation to his words but he said it anyway.

“Spike is… he is a murderer, Buffy. He’s in jail for homicide. Not exactly the best person to give your heart to.”

She pushed away from his chest where she’d been crying for a few minutes now. She was suddenly feeling cold inside. She wiped at her tears with the back of her hand, and looked Giles in the eyes to see if he was really convinced that what he just said was true. But his expression was unreadable. She didn’t want to sound childish or naïve by stating that Spike was innocent. She’d already damaged his opinion of her enough for one day.

“Tell me, Giles, as the supervisor of the correctional officers, you spend a lot of time around the prisoners… a lot of time around Spike. Do you really believe what you just said?”

He got visibly flustered. “Well… This is not for me to judge. The court system declared him guilty of homicide so I’m not going to contest…”

“Is he a murderer, Giles?”

“I’ve--had my doubts.” He admitted.

She gave him a hopeful look. “Really?”

“I must say, there’s something about William Rayne that somehow screams not-guilty. And it’s not only that he doesn’t seem to be the type of person who could commit such an act, although it is part of it. But there’s something else also. He’s not like those guys who say they’re innocent on a daily basis. He said it to me only once, but it chilled me. He sounded very sincere and there was a sadness in his eyes… But I assume he could also be a very good actor.”

“He’s convinced me too, Giles. Sure, there’s been moments, when I was alone at home and wondered if I was just being naïve and stupid, but I believe him.”

“But it doesn’t change anything, Buffy. I can certainly see why you‘d be attracted to him. He’s good looking, very intelligent, and has an interesting personality, but he’s behind bars. For good. Guilty or not. And it’s not worth ending in front of the council and facing the very real possibility of losing your job. Someone will start having suspicions after a while and will report you. Then what?” He smiled warmly, trying to lighten the mood. “We’ll lose the best Warden we’ve ever had? I definitely don’t want that to happen.”

Buffy ran her fingers wearily through her hair, and took a deep breath before looking at him. She looked calmer, more determined, and it worried him.

“Once upon a time, when I was working at the Metropolitan Detention Center in L.A., this is the kind of thing that would have scared me into behaving myself. For the longest time, my job was the most important thing in my life. So much more important than my personal life, my family, my friends and definitely more important than my love life. If I lost my job now, after accomplishing so much, it would still devastate me. I won’t deny it. But I’m in love for the first time of my life, and I think that for once, I want to put Buffy first. I won’t stop seeing William, Giles.”

She looked into his eyes, a serious expression on her pretty face. “I’m asking for your help. If you don’t give it to me, I don’t know what I will do. But I can’t stop seeing him.”

He nodded his understanding, but didn’t answer.

“Do you remember not long after we met, we had our first real conversation in my office? You asked me about my life outside of work and when you asked about my love life, I told you I didn’t have one. I told you I gave up on love. Do you remember that?”

“I believe I do, yes.”

“You also said that it was only because I hadn’t found the one yet. Well I lied. I already had. I knew it the second I saw him. He’s the one, Giles. Don’t make me give up on him.”

Giles grabbed the whiskey bottle and helped himself, also pouring some into Buffy’s empty wine glass.

“I think we both need it.” He said before lifting the glass to his lips and swallowing some of the fiery liquid.

“Did you think about the future, Buffy? I would hate to rain on your parade, but it doesn’t look too bright. As romantic as your story sounds, I don’t see it ending well.”

“Does that mean you’re going to help us?” She couldn‘t help but asking, hopeful.

“I absolutely did not say that. This is something I’ll need to think about very carefully. Helping you would also mean that my job would be at risk. If someone finds out I’m involved in this, I will suffer the repercussions just as much as you will.”

Buffy sighed. “Fine. Anyway, to answer your question, yes, I did think about the future. And yes, I do know that the chances we’ll get our happy ending are, like Starvin’ Marvin’, skinny.”

“They’re what?”

“Never mind, too much South Park. What I’m trying to say is…” She frowned and thought about it for a second, unsure of how much she wanted to tell him. “I’ve met lawyers to discuss Spike’s case--see if there was any chance of proving him innocent. I’m not going to let him rot in jail if I can help it.”

“What did they say, if I may ask?”

“Not much, unfortunately. But they’re looking into it.” Buffy hated to lie to him again, but she also thought that poor Giles had enough shocks for the time being without her telling him that she was planning on contacting possible killers. “I’m not saying it will happen, but I don’t want to do nothing either.”

“I understand. But I’m afraid if you’re hoping too much and nothing happens, you will be horribly disappointed.”

“I’m aware of that. I’m not holding my breath. The way I see it, things can’t get worst anyway. So why not try.”

Giles stood up.

“Why don’t you take a few days off, Buffy? You weren’t supposed to work this week anyway. I think you need it. It’s the holidays. Rest, and spend some time with your family.”

“You’re right. I guess it’s the best thing I could do right now.” She hesitated before asking: “I don’t suppose you’re gonna tell me tonight if you’re going to help us or not?”

He gave her a half smile, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. She looked very young, the expression on her face so hopeful.

“I don’t know yet. Let me think about it when my mind is clearer. Too much happened today, I can’t think straight. Give me a few days, and I’ll let you know.”

Buffy gave him a hug. “Thanks for not yelling.”

“You’re welcome, but I don’t see why you’d think I would yell at you. I’m not exactly the type of person to yell. Or at least, not that I know of.”

“Well, you were really scary today in my office, so I just thought maybe you were mad enough to do some major yelling, is all. I thought you were supposed to be all British and nice, then you turn all scary on me. I was shocked.”

Giles grinned at her, a mischievous glint in his eyes. “Yes, everybody thinks they got me figured out. Just like you, I guess.” He said, remembering the words she’d said earlier about herself.

She laughed. “Aren’t we just full of surprises or what?”

Buffy watched him leave, then collapsed in her chair. She was emotionally exhausted, but at least, it didn’t go as badly as she’d expected. She seriously hoped that she’d never have to go through another day like this one ever again in her life.

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