*

Buffy stared out the window at the bleak, miserable day. Rain poured endlessly from the grey sky, making all else seem black, lifeless.
Soon she would be that too.
She'd left notes for the people she truly cared for. People had always told her she was thoughtful like that.
She had considered taking paracetamol and vodka, but her mother kept neither in the house. But this wasn't enough of a 'sign' to her. She had to do this.
Taking the knife to her wrist, she squeezed her eyes shut, blocking any tears from falling.
With one final gasp, she started to cut.

*

One Week Later

Willow took a deep breath as she walked into Sunnydale High. Returning wouldn't be easy after a week of mourning. Buffy's attempts had shocked her, and although Willow was relieved Buffy hadn't died, she had read the note and couldn't help but feel that things could only get worse.

She spotted Xander at his locked and hurried over, throwing her arms around him. "Hey."

"Hey Wills." He grinned at her. "You okay?"

She nodded, although both knew that nothing was ever going to be 'okay' again.

"I have to see Spike." She whispered.

"Why bother?" Xander snapped and slammed his locker shut.

"Cos she left him a note."

"He doesn't deserve one." Xander sighed. "I gotta go. Good luck with the jackass."

Willow watched Xander disappear down the corridor, and reluctantly went to find Spike. He was at his locker, and lucky for Willow he was alone. If Harmony or Angel had been there she would have ripped the note up without a second thought. Xander was right. Spike didn't deserve Buffy's attention, or hers.

"Hey Spike." She gave him her best 'I'm not here to be a bitch' smile.

"It's not Spike anymore, luv. It's Will." He forced a smile back.

"I'll make this quick." Her smile faded. "Something's hap-"

"Blondie Bear, why are you talking to her?" Harmony looked at Willow as though she had a disease.

Spike watched as Willow's face crumpled, tears sparkling in her eyes. She looked helplessly at Spike. "I need to talk to you in private."

"Why don't you get over him, Willow? He's mine!" Harmony cackled, grabbing onto Spike with a malicious smile.

Spike nudged Harmony away. "What's up, Red?"

Harmony glared at him. "It's social death talking to a dyke like her, even if she is your cousin!"

Willow went bright red and stormed off down the corridor. Spike shoved Harmony away and went to follow Willow.

He caught up to her just as she was about to go and hide away in the girl's toilets. "Luv, ignore her."

"You told." She burst into tears and continued walking away.

Spike grabbed her by the arm and dragged her off to the library. "Talk to me. What's going on?"

Willow took him to the very back of the library, where their conversation couldn't be seen or heard. She started digging around in her bag as she spoke. "Something happened.. to Buffy."

"Buffy?" Spike frowned. "Yeah, where is she? Haven't seen her in class."

"She's in hospital. She tried to kill herself." Willow just spat it out with as little sympathy as possible. She barely wanted to look at Spike, let alone spare his feelings.

Spike felt like Willow had hit him over the head with a mallet. It was minutes before he could speak. "Why?"

Willow handed him the envelope addressed to him. "You figure it out, cos I sure can't."

She was gone before he could stop her. Spike sunk against the wall and opened the envelope. It had been five, nearly six, years since he'd spoken to Buffy. The same went for Willow and Xander.

Dear Spike,

Hi. I haven't spoken to you since Christmas day, 1998. Remember that huge fight we had about Harmony coming to the Scooby party? Well.. I guess it sort of lasted. You abandoned us after that, and became Mr. Popular with Angel and all that. I miss you, Spike. I miss you all the time, and even when I smile at you, you never smile back. You see right through me, even though I'm the one person who knows the truth about you.

Moving on. You and me are the only people who knew about Willow. And you told. I know you did, because Harmony accused me of being her lover. I hate you for that. And you make fun of Xander all the time, just to prove to your friends you aren't a Scooby anymore. You haven't done anything to harm me - you've never made fun of me, you've just ignored me. And I think that hurts even more - I wonder sometimes if you even remember I'm there. Maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm just a ghost from your "embarrassing" past.

Well, I'll be a ghost soon. I hope someone gives you this note. You aren't the reason I'm doing this, by the way. There are millions of other reasons.

Anyway... bye, Spike. I'll always love you.

Spike stared at the last four words. For years he'd wondered if Buffy still loved him the way she used to. They had only been kids, sure, but a bond like that was unbreakable.

And despite what she'd said, Spike was sure he was one of the reasons she'd done this. He stood up slowly on wobbly legs. He walked out of the library, struggling to hold back his tears. Sitting on a bench by the library was Willow, staring at him.

"She's in room 14C on floor 6." She forced a smile at him. "Thought you should know."

"I didn't tell Harmony, Wills. I promise." His voice was shaking and he wished he could be alone to cry.

"How'd she find out then?" Xander snapped, approaching the two. "Get the fuck away from Willow. The whole fucking school knows now."

"It's not some dirty secret!" Spike smiled at Willow. "You should be proud."

"How'd she find out?" Willow asked softly, tears staining her pale face.

"She found the note, luv. Snooping around my room." Spike took Willow's hand and kissed it gently. "I'm so sorry."

"Come on, Wills." Xander snatched Willow's hand away from Spike and dragged her away.

Spike sighed and glanced at the student carpark. His SUV was waiting for him, and Spike was dying to see Buffy. He rushed to his car without a second thought to school or after-school training.

He had to see Buffy.. before it was too late.

 

Chapter 2:

April 1994

"Buffy? Honey? We invited the new neighbour to your party. William, his name is."

Buffy grinned at her mom. "I know. I met him at school."

"He'll be here early." Joyce bit her lip and turned away from Buffy. Drusilla, the boy's mother, had seemed eager to be rid of him. And Joyce couldn't ignore the bruise on William's lower lip, even though he insisted he'd fallen down the stairs, his blue eyes wide with sincerity behind his glasses.

The doorbell rung and Buffy raced to get it. "Hey Spike."

He smiled shyly at her. "Hi Buffy. Happy Birthday." He handed her a red rose from his garden.

Buffy leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek. "Thanks."

"Buffy!" Xander ran up the path, clumsily tripping over his own feet and fell flat on his face.

"Stupid whelp." Spike laughed and ran to greet Willow. "Hey, Red!"

"Who invited him?" Xander glared at Spike over his shoulder. "He's evil!"

"He's so not." Buffy insisted with a pout. "Let's go up to the treehouse."

The four children all ran around the side of the house to the huge oak tree in the corner of the yard. A ladder was fastened to the trunk, leading up to the treehouse Hank Summers had built for Buffy last Christmas.

Spike started up the ladder after Buffy, but Xander yanked him back down. "Official Scoobies only."

"Xander." Willow warned, seeing Spike's distress. It wouldn't be the first time her cousin had been left out by other kids.

"He's not a Scooby!"

"He is now." Buffy said firmly, smiling down at Spike, who smirked triumphantly at Xander and started climbing the ladder again.

Buffy pulled Spike into the small room with a smile. "I'll put your rose in a vase."

Spike watched as she took the daisies out and replaced them with his gift. He grinned at her.

"We don't need four-eyes up here." Xander grumbled as he clambered into the treehouse.

"We don't need stupid bloody whelps in here!"

"He swore!"

"So what!"

"So... so... everything!"

"Oh, run home to mummy, whelp!"

Xander tackled Spike and started hitting him weakly, arms flailing pathetically. Buffy pulled Xander away by the scruff of his chubby neck and frowned.

"Shame on you, Xander Harris. That's no way to treat another Scooby." Buffy smiled at Spike again, her green eyes sparkling affectionately. "Why don't you show Xander your comic books?"

"You have comics?" Xander asked in awe. "Cool!"

Spike opened his knapsack and showed Xander all the Superman comics he'd brought. The two boys huddled together, poring over the glossy cartoons, even though neither could read very well.

"That's better." Buffy grinned at Willow.

"I always thought we needed another Scooby to even things out." The tiny redhead giggled. "Are you gonna marry him?"

Buffy remembered Xander and Willow's playground wedding the week before. Now all Willow could talk about is finding Buffy a husband. And if she absolutely had to find one, Spike would be a damn good choice.



*

October 2004

Spike took a deep breath, hesitating before he opened the door. Would Buffy really want him there? She'd left him a note, sure, but that didn't mean she wanted him barging into her life again.
"It's now or never." He told himself softly, and opened the door.

Buffy was sitting up in her bed, flicking through a magazine that was at least 10 years old. She glanced up at the sound of the door clicking open, her eyes growing wide at the sight of Spike.

"Hello, luv." He smiled, standing awkwardly by the door.

"Come in." She nodded to the seat beside the bed. "I guess you got my note."

"Mmm, I did." He sat down and handed her the single red rose he'd been concealing behind his back. Buffy blushed, taking it from him and sniffing it.

"Thanks." She bit her lip. "Shouldn't you be at school?"

Spike shrugged. "Some things are more important."

"But if Harmony asked you to stay, I guess you would've?" It was a needlessly mean, spiteful comment that flew out of Buffy's mouth before she could stop herself.

Spike's face fell. "No, luv. I wouldn't have, despite what you may think."

A long silence passed. Spike couldn't bring himself to look at her, yet Buffy couldn't stop staring at him. He'd changed so much it was unbelievable, but in some ways he was exactly the same as she recalled. He was a lot taller, his short-sleeved shirt revealing muscly arms, most likely from being the best swimmer in the school. Occasionally she'd gone to watch him, pretending to study while sitting on the benches by the outdoors pool. He was amazingly fast, but she hadn't gone since Harmony had publicly humiliated her about having a crush on Spike.

"What happened?" Spike whispered, taking her hand in his and breaking her train of thought. He stared at the cuts adorning her wrists, deep purple scars. Buffy snatched her hand away and stared out the window.

"Luv, tell me." Spike pulled her to him and pressed his lips to her brow in a gentle kiss. "Just tell me what happened to you."

"Life just really sucks right now." She said quietly, snuggling into his arms.

"How so?"

She could see he wasn't going to back down, and although it annoyed her, she was also glad he still cared. "Stuff just keeps going wrong. Mum's always gone on business, and I've had to look after Dawnie... remember Dawn?"

Spike smiled. "Yeah. How is she?"

"Good. Remember when we used to play families with her? You were the dad, I was the mum, and Dawnie was out baby?"

Spike chuckled. "How could I forget? We had Crazy Uncle Xander, and Willow the Witch."

Buffy grinned at him. "You know, you can take the boy out of the Scoobies, but you can't take the Scooby out of the boy."

Spike's smile turned slightly uneasy at this comment and Buffy fell silent for a moment. "Um.. anyway. Dawnie's gotten into lots of trouble.. stealing stuff, cutting school, it's really bad. And she dresses like a total ho at times! It's probably cos she has this huge crush on you, and Harmony dresses like a ho and- um.."

She'd said way too much. Spike had an amused smile on his face, and Buffy found herself about to trace over his dimples with her finger.

"You saying my girlfriend dresses like a ho?"

"She is a ho." Buffy said softly, looking at Spike with guilty eyes. "Sorry. But I don't like Harmony."

Spike didn't reply, but somehow Buffy got the feeling he wasn't too mad on her anymore either.

*

May 1994

Buffy and Spike were in the treehouse, reading a comic together. After arguing for some time, Spike had finally agreed to read an Archie comic with her, rather than a superhero one. Buffy rested her head on his shoulder, smiling at him shyly.

She watched him as he read, huge glasses making his blue eyes bigger and even prettier. Buffy noticed the scratches on Spike's neck and blurted out, "Where'd you get those?"

Her mother had once insisted Buffy never ask about Spike's cuts and bruises Buffy frequently noticed. Spike glared at her and got to his feet clumsily. "I gotta go."

He stepped onto the first rung on the ladder when Buffy said, "Is it your mom?"

He was in a state of shock, and Buffy managed to drag him back inside. "I won't tell."

"You don't understand." His bottom lip quivered, his eyes shining with tears. "She loves me! She really does..."

Buffy wrapped her arms around him as Spike started to cry, babbling hysterically, "She doesn't love me! She doesn't! What'd I ever do wrong?"

"Nothing." Buffy kissed him on the nose, her mother's way of comforting her when upset. Spike gazed at Buffy in awe, his tears suddenly coming to a halt.

"You kissed me."

"Did not!" Buffy pulled away, her cheeks burning.

"Did so!" Spike grinned at her and leaned forward to kiss her again. Buffy let him give her a tiny peck before pulling away.

"Be my girl, Buffy. Please?" Spike looked at her pleadingly.

"Okay." She replied shyly and kissed him on the cheek.

They returned to reading comic books, basking in the warm light of the fading sun.

*

 

Chapter 3:

February 21, 2002

Buffy studied the invitation, still shocked by what had happened.

You are invited to mourn the death of Drusilla Blake

Apparently there had been a car crash, where Drusilla had been drunk, and lost control of the car - killing both drivers. Buffy had wanted to go to the funeral at first, but then something happened, and she completely refused. She wasn't going to have sympathy for Spike after he'd just watched Angel beat up Xander. It had been a week ago now, and there wasn't a living moment that she wasn't berating herself for not going.

She was about to take off her bathrobe after a long, hot bath, when the window creaked open behind her. Buffy froze.

"Hey." Spike said softly, crawling inside. Buffy spun around and stared at him.

"What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to apologise.. for the other day.. with Xander.."

"So you should." She replied, and wished it had come out more cattily than it had. But that was impossible - Spike was standing there looking absolutely shattered.

"I'm sorry about your mom." Buffy whispered.

Spike sat down on her bed, trembling, and said, "I never wanted her to die. I always wished it, though!"

He broke down in tears. Buffy instantly went to his side and wrapped her arms around him.

"It'll be okay." Buffy ran her hands through his blonde hair, kissing his cheek. "Don't cry, Spike. Please."

"Are you naked under there?" He asked suspiciously, staring down her bathrobe. Buffy pulled it tighter around her.

The next thing Buffy knew was his lips were pressed against hers. Buffy gasped as his tongue slipped inside her mouth and danced with hers. She lay back and let Spike lower his body onto hers, still kissing her wildly without a care in the world. While their upper bodies were only gingerly touching, Spike's lower body was pressed to hers. Each could feel how aroused the other was, yet both too reluctant to take it any further.

Buffy broke away and whispered while running her hands down his body, "I love you."

Spike froze. Her words had the same affect on him as it would if she'd sprouted tentacles. He stared down at her for a moment, then pulled away. "I've got to go."

"Why?" Buffy watched as Spike straightened his shirt and headed for the window.

"Got to get up early." He swung one leg out the window. "See ya."

He didn't bother to smile, or show any emotion towards her. Buffy was still for what seemed like hours, a deep, gut-wrenching pain consuming her from his unexpected rejection.


*

Present Day

Spike came to see Buffy every day after school. They'd decorated her room with her favourite posters, toys, and a million red roses. It was Tuesday now, and he came bearing their favourite chocolates.

Buffy was stretched out on her bed in a tiny red satin nightgown, her lower half covered by her pink doona. "Hey!"

"Chocolate?" He offered her the box.

"Ever heard of waiting?" Buffy stared at the half-empty box.

"There'll be more, luv." He kissed the palm of her hand gently. "Besides, you're just a tiny thing. You can't eat a whole box."

"You seem to have forgotten you and Xander used to call me the bottomless pit."

"That was when you ate six cheeseburgers at McDonalds, and then helped yourself to my fries!" They shared a smile.

"What have you been doing all this time?" Buffy asked, staring at his blonde hair. "You're so different."

"Stuff." Spike toyed with the hem of the doona. "You?"

Buffy sat in thought for a moment. "Let's play Truth."

"You mean Truth or Dare." Spike corrected, smiling at her. Again the urge to touch his dimples overcame Buffy, but she resisted.

"No, Truth. Where we just tell each other everything."

Spike considered, chewing on his lower lip. "Sure."

"I go first!" Buffy sat up and grinned at him mischieviously. "Why aren't you Spike anymore? Why are you Will Blake, swimming champ and ladies man?"

"What's wrong with being Will?"

"Nothing." Buffy shrugged nonchalantly. "It's just.. you seem so fake."

Spike cocked a scarred eyebrow. "I just.. I changed. Everyone does. I guess.. when you guys all ditched me I didn't feel like Spike, and when me mum died, well... nobody called me Spike anymore."

Buffy wasn't totally happy with the answer, but smiled as though she was.

"My turn." Spike held up a chocolate and slid it into Buffy's mouth. "Why didn't you ever try to make up with me?"

Buffy felt her cheeks burning and avoided Spike's gaze. "I guess I got mad and I stayed mad. You betrayed me, Spike."

As much as Spike wanted to adamently deny that, it was true. He'd chosen Harmony, and when any oppurtunity came to be a Scooby again, he turned it down. "Yeah. You're right."

She reached out and patted him on the knee. "It's okay. I've just missed you."

"I've missed you too." He smiled.

A tender silence followed, where Buffy didn't even attempt to look away. He held her gaze, and she could see such undeniable love sparkling in his eyes she melted.

Shaking her head to clear it, Buffy tried to find words. "Why'd you dye your hair blonde?"

"Liked it this way." Spike offered her another chocolate. "What about Riley? You like him when the two of you went out?"

Buffy gagged. "Hell no." She giggled. "I think he's what you'd have called a 'nancy boy'."

Spike chuckled. "Yeah, he's a bloody wanker, that one."

"Do you love Harmony?" Buffy blurted out. She'd wanted to ask that for
over six years now, the words rising into her mouth every time she even so much as caught a glimpse of Spike.

"No, luv." Spike said softly. "I don't love her."

Buffy grinned and wriggled around to get comfy, crossing her legs.

"Spike?" He seemed to be staring at her legs, a frown on his face. "Earth to Captain Peroxide!"

"What did you call me?" Spike asked in a daze.

"Oh. It's Xander's nickname for you now." Buffy's cheeks were bright red with embarrassment again.

Spike looked up at her. "What are those bruises on your thighs?"

Buffy felt realization slam into her and she instantly uncrossed her legs and wriggled back under the doona. "Nothing."

"Buffy, tell me." Spike put his hand on her arm, but Buffy wrenched away.

"I need to have a nap.. kind of sleepy." She turned away from him, burying her head in the pillow.

"Buffy! Tell me where you got them." Spike grabbed her by the shoulder and forced her to look at him. "Now."

"Get out." Buffy said coldly, her voice trembling. "Please."

Spike swore to himself and stood up, grabbing his jacket. As he reached the door, swinging it open, Buffy said in a tiny voice, "You're coming back, right?"

He turned and forced a smile. "Sure, luv. I promise."

He left the hospital, trying to appear calm. But Spike couldn't take his mind off the mess off black and blue scarring Buffy's legs.

*

February 22, 2002

Buffy hurried to class, struggling with the piles of books. She pushed through the tangled crowds of students, willing herself to be strong. All she could think of was Spike, and the night before. She could still vaguely feel the touch of his lips on hers, strong and passionate.

Perfect.

As though God was just trying to be cruel to her, the next person she saw was Spike. He glanced at her worriedly, secretly wishing he hadn't been such a wanker the night before. Buffy's eyes were glued to his, distracting her from the guy who shoved past her, throwing her books everywhere.

Humiliated, Buffy kneeled down to collect them. Spike hurried to her side and stooped down to the floor, helping her pick them up.

"Don't." Buffy hissed, yanking her books away.

"Buffy-"

"Leave me alone!" She cried, her voice cracking as tears sprung into her eyes. Pushing past Spike, she ran down the hall to the girl's bathrooms to cry.

Spike watched as she went, guilt swimming heavily inside him.

"Stay away from her." Xander said from behind Spike, glaring at him hatefully. Spike turned away and continued on to class.

*

 

Chapter 4:

*

Christmas Day, 1998

"Hey Buffy!" Spike ran through the snow covering her front garden to kiss her as she stood on her front porch. He handed her a red rose to match their rosy cheeks, coloured by the icy weather.

"Come inside, William, you'll freeze." Joyce ushered the boy inside. "How's your mother?"

His face fell, inadvertently admitting all was not well. "She's fine."

Joyce smiled at him and led the boy into the living room. "There's a present for you under the tree. Buffy, why don't you help him find it?"

They huddled beneath the tree, searching for the gift. "Is your mom okay?" Buffy whispered, touching his hand gently.

Spike's glower spoke for itself. "Just leave it, alright?"

Buffy turned away and continued searching, finally finding the tiny red package. "Here."

Spike took it eagerly and ripped it open. A grin spread over his face at what he found - a framed photo of Xander, Willow, Buffy and himself at the mall with Santa. "Thanks, luv." He kissed her on the cheek, as he was doing in the picture. The silver frame was engraved, Scoobies Forever .

"Xander and Willow will be here soon," Buffy said as Spike pulled her to her feet.

"Okay. Mind if I run home quickly to get something?"

"Sure." Buffy sat on the couch, humming a bar to a Christmas Carol as Spike hurried out into the snow again.

He went inside, hoping to avoid his mother. She was half unconcious on the couch, mumbling curse words, and Spike crept upstairs to get his real present for Buffy. It was a golden heart shaped pendant, hanging off a glittering chain, which he'd saved up for since May. He slipped it into his jacket pocket and returned outside.

He was about to go back to Buffy's house, when he saw someone waving at him from across the street. "Spikey! Come over here!"

It was Harmony. He reluctantly crossed the road, approaching Harmony warily. "What?"

"Happy Christmas." She kissed him on the cheek.

"Yeah, okay." He turned away from her and found himself face to face with a seething Xander.

"Why were you kissing her?"

Spike groaned in exasperation. "I didn't, I just-"

"Spike's my boyfriend, right?" Harmony latched onto his arm and refused to let go.

"I'm telling Buffy!" Xander raced across the street to Buffy's house.

"Oi! Wait!" Spike gently pushed Harmony away and chased after Xander.

"Buffy!" Xander flew in the front door and bashed into Joyce. "Sorry Mrs. Summers."

He hurried into the living room and flopped down next to Buffy, exhausted from his efforts. "Buffy, you won't believe it."

"Xander, you don't understand, you stupid bloody whelp!"

Joyce sighed and retreated to the kitchen, deciding to spare Spike from another lecture about manners.

"He was kissing Harmony!" Xander cried, pointing accusingly at Spike.

Buffy stared at Spike, noticing the pink lipstick marks on his cheek. Tears welled in her eyes. "You jerk!"

"Buffy, luv, please. You don't understand."

"I understand you're a big fat jerk!"

Harmony appeared in the doorway, again seeking Spike and grabbed onto his arm. "Let's go, honey."

Spike tried to protest but she was already pulling him out the door. Buffy rescued him, wrenching him away from the other blonde and glaring at him. "You kissed her?"

"That's what boyfriends do with girlfriends." Harmony smirked at Buffy. "He's mine."

"Harmony, please." Spike frowned at her. "Can you just go home?"

"Okay, I'll see you later!" She skipped out the door, turning back briefly to poke her tongue out at Buffy.

"Buffy, she kissed me. It meant nothing."

"I hate you! Get out!" Buffy turned away from him.

"You don't mean that." Spike put his hand on her shoulder, attempting to get her to look at him but Buffy refused.

"I do so. I want you to leave me alone."

"Fine, I'll go home." Spike said softly.

"Why even bother, Spike? Your mother doesn't even love you!"

It was the cruelest thing Buffy could have thought to say. She glanced back at Spike and saw he was close to tears. But before she could take it back, Spike stormed out of the house, disappearing into the blizzards of snow outside.

Harmony ran to see him just as he opened his front door. She kissed him again, and although Spike wanted to gag, he kissed her back, just to spite Buffy.

The necklace slipped out of his pocket as they kissed, and Harmony grabbed it. "Aww! Is this for me!"

Spike stared at the necklace in horror. He wanted to scream that, no, it wasn't for her, but instead he smiled. "Yeah."

He wanted to hurt Buffy just as deeply as she'd hurt him.

*

Present Day

Spike rung the doorbell, shifting his weight as he waited for Dawn to answer. He could hear feet thundering down the stairs, and shouts of, "I'll get it, I'll get it!"

Dawn swung the door open and threw her arms around him.

"Hello Spike." Joyce smiled at him wearily. "Thanks for this."

"S'okay." Spike said, trying to wriggle out of Dawn's suffocating embrace.

"I have to work late tonight, and I don't want to leave Dawn alone.." Joyce took a deep breath and grabbed her purse. "Thankyou, so much."

She pried Dawn off Spike and kissed them both on the cheek. "Have fun, you two."

As soon as Joyce was gone, Dawn's smile faded. "Have you seen her yet?"

"Who, Buffy?" Spike chuckled softly. "It is okay to say her name, you know."

"It feels weird." Dawn flopped down on the couch. "I don't get why she did it."

"Me neither." Spike sat beside her. "Want to watch TV? Help take our minds off it?"

"Sure." Dawn grabbed the remote and the television blipped on.

Eventually watching TV got boring, and Spike grabbed the remote to turn it off.

"Oi!" Dawn cried, trying to snatch the remote away from him. "I was watching that."

"You want to talk about all the trouble you've been getting in, Nibblet?"

Dawn turned to him, her entire face crumpled with confusion. "Huh?"

"Buffy says you've been up to no good lately. Cutting school, dressing inappropriately, shop lifting.."

Dawn still looked bewildered. "What are you talking about?"

"She says your grades keep falling."

"My grades have never been better!" Dawn insisted. "She said I did all that stuff? It's her, Spike!"

It was now Spike's turn to be confused. "What?"

"Buffy's the one who dresses like a total slut! She copies Harmony because she's so in love with you, and she thinks by dressing that way she'll get your attention! And if you want, I'll show you all the stuff she stole from the mall! And if you ask mom, she'll tell you Buffy never gets anything about a C minus these days!"

"She told me-"

"She's crazy!" Dawn yelled. "She actually blamed it on me?"

"Yeah." Spike said, taking Dawn's hand to calm her. "I don't know.. Why would she.." He trailed off.

Dawn was silent as well. Neither had any idea what to say.

*

Spike had to wait until midnight for Joyce to get home. Dawn had insisted on proving her own innocence, showing him a comparison of her report cards and Buffy's, and the many letters of concern from the principal about Buffy. Then she'd gone ahead and presented Spike with all of Buffy's stolen goods. By then he was exhausted, but he decided he had to see Buffy and ask her why she'd lied to him, and why she was so messed up.

He slipped into Buffy's room unnoticed by the hospital staff. She was sleeping, her blonde hair spread out over the pillow, totally peaceful. She almost looked dead.

Spike gently shook her awake, ignoring her grumbing. He helped her sit up, propping pillows behind her back.

"What are you doing here?" Buffy asked sleepily, barely able to see in the dark. She leaned over and switched on a lamp, illuminating the room in a rosy glow.

"You lied to me."

"Huh?" Buffy gasped, pretending to be shocked at this accusation. Her mother had mentioned something about Spike babysitting Dawn, and Buffy realized there was every chance Dawn had told Spike the truth.

"Don't be bloody stupid, Buffy. Dawn told me that you lied. She said you're the one who cuts school, shoplifts and dresses awfully." Spike glared at her. "Why the hell would you say that was Dawn?"

Buffy felt tears spring into her eyes. "I just.. I thought.. I.." She buried her head in her arms and mumbled, "I thought that maybe if Dawn was doing bad stuff, it would make me seem better."

"Is it true you dress that way because you like me?" Spike ran his hands up and down her back as Buffy cried, huddled into a ball.

"Maybe. You never notice me."

"I do, princess." She was so light Spike found it easy to scoop Buffy up into his arms, placing her on his lap. "I notice how beautiful you are, more so every day. You know, when I hear you laughing, I don't think there's a prettier sound."

His words of love were doing nothing to stop her tears, but Spike knew they were happy tears now. Buffy gently brushed her lips against his, hesitant to be too forceful. She didn't want to scare him off again.

"Thankyou." Buffy smiled at him shyly, her eyelids still heavy from lack of sleep. Spike helped her back into bed, tucking her in gently. He kissed her softly as Buffy lulled off to sleep.

"I'll be back tomorrow evening, luv. I have training before and after school, okay?"

She was already fast asleep, soothed by their kisses. He brushed a stray lock of hair away from her face, waiting for a moment to check she was peaceful.

He kissed her goodnight again, wishing he didn't have to leave.

*
 

Chapter 5:

*

Spike approached Xander carefully, holding behind his back a new, limited edition comic book that he knew Xander wanted. Willow trailed reluctantly behind him, after stupidly promising Spike she'd back him up. She'd again felt sorry for her cousin and given in.

"Hey mate." Spike grinned at Xander as he extracted books from his locker.

"I'm not your mate." Xander snapped, shutting the door. "What do you want?"

Spike presented the comic book to Xander. "Want to have a look?"

Xander opened and closed his mouth several times, gawking at the book.

"Look, you can sit there and do impressions of fish as much as you like, mate, but I'm gonna go read this." Spike strutted off with Xander following, practically drooling for the comic Spike still held in his hand.

They got outside, walking towards the oval, when Xander realised what he was doing. "No! No way are you gonna get me that way. I'm meant to hate you."

"Okay. If you don't want to talk, you don't want to talk. I'm fine with that." Spike started to put the book away, sighing dramatically as he did so. Willow couldn't help but giggle as Xander became distraught as he watched the comic disappear into Spike's bag.

"No, no, no!" Xander yelped finally. "I give in. I'll talk to you."

Spike handed Xander the comic. "There you go."

"Where'd you get this? It's like.. $500 in Warren's store."

Spike shrugged as though they were talking about pocket change. "No big deal, mate."

"What.. what.. what did you want to talk about?" Xander said slowly, flipping through the pages in awe.

"Buffy. Something's happened to her."

"No shit." Xander finally looked away from the glossy cartoons to glare at Spike. "She tried to kill herself, so I kind of figured something's up."

"Do you know anything about the bruises on her thighs?"

"What?" Willow stared at Spike curiously, coming closer to the two boys.

"She's got all these bruises on her thighs. I mean, I don't know if I'm right.. but it looks like she's been.. you know." Spike could barely speak the words, not wanting to believe it himself. It was too horrible to think of someone harming his beautiful Buffy, yet it would give her an awfully good motive for suicide.

"You mean.. raped?" Xander said in a whisper, occasionally glancing down at the book.

Spike snatched it away. "Yeah. But she won't tell me."

"Give it!" Xander took it back, clutching it to his chest protectively. "Don't be an indian giver."

Spike rolled his eyes and turned to Willow. "Maybe one of you can talk to her?"

"I'm going to see her after school." Willow ventured, tears in her eyes. "You really think she was.. you know."

"Don't know." Spike replied softly. "But where else would she get bruised like that?"

*

September 2004

Buffy swam back and forth, counting as she went. She'd done about ten laps by now, totalling to half a kilometre. It was 4:30 by now, yet Spike still hadn't shown. She had checked the schedule by the Physical Education office and he was meant to be training today, at 3:30.

She was determined to talk to Spike. Buffy didn't know why, but today had to be the day she and Spike talked everything out. She needed him desperately - it was two years later and she could still taste his lips on hers after their late-night kisses.

By five o'clock she was utterly exhausted. She pulled her dripping body out of the pool, looking around once more to check for Spike. He wasn't anywhere to be seen.

"Hey Buffy." Angel came inside from the outdoor pool. "What are you doing here?"

"Have you seen Spike?" Buffy asked, wrapping her body in a towel. She could feel Angel's eyes on her and it made her skin crawl.

"Oh, yeah." Angel replied slowly, scratching his head. "He was outside with me, just went into the change rooms. He should be dressed by now, I'll take you in."

He grabbed her by the arm and dragged her towards the change rooms.

"Are you sure this is okay?" Buffy asked as he opened the door.

Clouds of steam instantly blinded Buffy. Angel clamped his hand over his mouth and shouted, "Parker! Riley! Hold her down!"

He threw her onto the floor, and two other sets of hands forced her to be still.

She heard Angel mutter to her other attackers, "I'll go first. You next, Parks. Then you, Finn."

She tried to bite down on the hand covering her mouth, but it did no good. Angel had pulled off her bikini bottoms nd she could feel him hard against her.

"This is what little sluts get, Buffy. They get exactly what they're begging for." She knew that voice. It was Riley. Her hands flailed about, unrestrained, yet helpless against Angel's body, heavy on hers.

Tears rolled down her cheeks, blood collecting in her mouth where she'd bitten down on Parker's hand. She could feel blood seeping down her legs as she squeezed her eyes shut, wishing to block it all out.

She could feel Angel's breath, hot on her face, as he hissed, "Still got two to go, sweetheart. Don't think we're done with you yet."

*

Buffy woke, her sleep disturbed by more nightmares. She recalled that just before she'd attempted to kill herself, they'd been at their worst, ceaselessly haunting her. In many of them she was running, the wind slamming against her face, the sky black and disturbed by the dark nature of the world around her. But she could never escape - the dream would end with her falling to the floor in tears, her bare feet bloodied and torn, red liquid also oozing down her thighs.

It wasn't even 5:30 yet, yet Buffy just wanted to go back to sleep. Her head throbbed as it always did after her nightmares, the pain blinding her. Curling into a tiny ball, Buffy rocked herself back and forth as she cried. Even imagining Spike's arms around her were no solace, for all Buffy could think of was his betrayal.

It seemed one moment she was happy beyond her own belief, the next she was miserable again. The doctors had certified she had depression, but Buffy had honestly expected it to be gone by now.

She found that just as in her dreams, there was no escape.

*

 

Chapter 6:

Joyce arrived at the hospital, her nerves already torn to shreds. Dawn had related to her the entire incident, where Buffy had lied to Spike. She opened the door, her stomach turning when she saw Buffy. It was quite obvious her daughter had been crying, and now the girl was picking at the wounds on her wrists.

"They won't heal if you do that." Joyce said softly, sitting on the chair beside the bed. Buffy stared out the window, ignoring her mother completely. She wished she could tell her mother that none of her wounds would ever heal, at least not on the inside.

"I brought you some chocolate chip muffins." Joyce handed Buffy the basket of baked treats. Buffy glanced at it briefly, her eyes glassy and cold.

"Honey, talk to me." Joyce took Buffy's hand. Buffy snatched her hand away, her lower lip wobbling, a signal to Joyce more tears were coming. "Please, Buffy. Tell me what went wrong."

"Fuck off." Buffy said softly, her eyes flashing with anger.

Joyce was taken aback by this. "Don't talk to me like that."

"Why don't you just go?" Buffy hissed, glaring at her mother. "I hate you."

Her mom's eyes sparkled with unfallen tears. "Don't say that. Have I really been a bad mom?"

"No, you've been absolutely fucking terrific." Buffy said sarcastically. "But I don't want to talk, so go away."

"I'm not going to go away until I know what's wrong with you!" Joyce snapped. "I think you should see a psychiatrist, Buffy, and just-"

"Everything! Everything's wrong with me, alright? I hate everyone and everything about this stupid world! Nothing goes right!" Buffy picked up the basket of muffins and hurled it at the wall. "I'm not seeing a shrink. No fucking way."

Joyce was frozen with shock, staring at the smears of muffin left on the wall. "Buffy.."

"Get out!" Buffy screamed, pointing to the door. "Now!"

Her mother fled the room in tears.

*

September 2004 - later that night.

"Mommy?" Buffy entered the kitchen, trembling violently as she walked on uneasy legs. She still ached from head to toe - after Parker had been done with her, they'd bashed her unconcious. It was now almost nine o'clock.

"Not right now." Joyce said softly, not looking away from her laptop. "I'm busy."

"Mom, please.." Buffy whispered tearfully, her emotions still unnoticed by her mother.

"Buffy, not now." Joyce snapped, typing furiously. "I'm going to ignore the fact you're so late right now, because I have to get this report done."

Buffy stared at her mother for a moment, then ran from the kitchen, upstairs into her room. Once the door was locked and her music was blasting, Buffy burst into tears, her body shaking violently as she undressed. Staring at herself in the mirror, she almost threw up at the sight of the bruises covering her. The purple marks covered her arms, legs, chest and back. Traces of dried blood were still caked on her thighs, forcing Buffy to remember the pain. She fell to the floor, wrapping her arms around herself and sobbing out all her pain. She crawled weakly to the window, staring out into the night. Next door, Spike still had his light on, but she couldn't see if he were in his room or not. Buffy briefly considered going to see him, climbing up the lattice on the wall, covered in thick, green ivy, and knocking at his window. They used to do this when they were little and needed to talk - but not only was she not Spike's girlfriend, she was naked, and had just been raped by three of his friends.

There was no way she could go and see him in this state. She doubted Spike would want to help, anyway. If Buffy had a list of people she thought cared for her, she'd have crossed Spike off years ago. Tonight, she'd put another line through his name, and through her mother's.

*

Present Day

Spike was exhausted from swimming all afternoon, but he'd promised Buffy to visit her and he didn't dare let her down again. Last night when he'd called, Buffy had been asleep, and Spike decided to leave her.

"Hey, princess." He smiled at her and slipped into the room.

"Go away." Buffy said softly, her voice baron of any emotion, scaring him.

"What's wrong?" Spike sat on the edge of the bed, kissing her on the cheek softly.

"You. You're wrong, Spike. You shouldn't be here."

He didn't let this discourage him, so he pulled her into his arms and traced his lips down her neck.

"Get off!" Buffy cried and pushed him away. Spike lost his balance and fell to the floor, staring up at her in shock.

"What the fuck's your problem?" He snapped, getting to his feet clumsily.

"I hate you, that's what!" Buffy glared at him. "It's your fault. All of this is your fault."

Her words stung Spike, and he couldn't help but retaliate. "So I actually held the knife to your wrist, did I?"

Buffy felt tears stinging her eyes, but any pain he'd caused her with that remark was ignored for the rage boiling inside her. "Just fuck off, Spike. I don't want to be around you."

"You did the other night." Spike said softly, deciding to take a gentler approach. He put his arm around her, planting another kiss on her temple. "The other night was wonderful."

She had to agree with him. The other night had been wonderful - Buffy still craved the touch of his lips, and feeling his arm loose around her waist now made her feel safe in a way nothing else could.

"Sweetheart?" Spike smiled at her encouragingly. "Wasn't the other night wonderful?"

Yes, she silently agreed. But before she could actually say this, other words were escaping her mouth. "Face it Spike. Your mother didn't want you, and I don't either. Now fuck off."

She turned away from him, and eventually he stood up, removing his arm from her waist. She could hear him take a deep, strangled breath, and was sure he was crying. Buffy trembled slightly when she heard the door slam shut, knowing there was every chance he wouldn't return.

The tears came again.

*

September 2004 - The Next Day, At School

Buffy's heart was beating faster than it ever had before, strong feelings of anxiety forcing it to pound against her chest. She was struggling to breathe as she sat down in the library - Angel was at the next desk with Spike. She glanced at Spike briefly, catching his eye. He looked away, blushing slightly.

"Hey Buffy." Angel smirked at her.

It took every scrap of strength she had left not to break down in tears, remembering the harsh touch of Angel the previous day.

"Yesterday was fun." He said, pure malevolence glimmering in his eyes.

Spike looked at Buffy curiously, noting she had gone pale. Again she looked to him, and Spike busied himself with maths homework.

"Man, she's a good fuck." Angel said to Spike, loudly enough for most people to hear. Snickers erupted through the library, along with several whispers of "slut".
Tears threatening to fall, Buffy went bright red and started gathering her books together. She looked at Spike one last time, and he glared back at her, envy and fury strong in his blue eyes.

Buffy grabbed her bag and stormed out of the library, sobs escaping her, fat tears sliding down her cheeks. She pulled her jacket tight around her and started to run.

*

 

Chapter 7:

*

"Hey man." Spike smiled at Xander, suprised to see him waiting at his front door. "You been here long?"

"Ten minutes." Xander reluctantly returned the smile. "I just wanted to talk."

"About Buffy?" Spike opened the door, inviting Xander inside. "Want a drink?"

"Yes to both." Xander sat down awkwardly on the couch as Spike went to get them drinks. "So how come you live her by yourself?"

"My mother left me the place, and my dad let's me, wherever the hell that wanker is."

Xander nodded. "About Buffy.."

"She kicked me out yesterday, won't talk to me. So I don't know anything more."

"It's not about that.. it's like.. I want to apologise." Xander sighed, avoiding looking at Spike. "Willow said I should, but I've thought about it for a while. I do owe you an apology."

Spike was absolutely clueless as to what Xander should apologise for. He wondered to himself if Xander had magically forgotten all the times Angel had tormented the boy, teasing him and humiliating him. But Spike kept his mouth shut.

"I broke you and Buffy up... I exaggerated the entire situation, and you had every right to hate me for it. But I had my reasons." Xander paused. "Do you have chips?"

Spike went to the kitchen to get a bag of chips. He returned, watching as Xander munched on them thoughtfully.

"It's just-" Xander stopped to swallow. "The thing is.. I was always really jealous of you. You got to be with Buffy.. when I was in love with her."

Spike almost choked on his mouthful of chips. "Excuse me?"

"I was in love with her." Xander repeated nervously. "And the only difference between you and me, is that she loved you back."

*

May 1994

"Have you got the rings?" Willow whispered to Spike, playing with one of her plaits as they waited for Buffy.

"Yes." Spike replied, holding them out for Xander and Willow to see. Willow grinned, hopping from foot to foot with excitement. Xander scowled and turned away, staring off into the distance. Spike was about to ask what was wrong when Buffy appeared at the top of the stairs that led from the classrooms to the playground. She was wearing a pink skirt and a white blouse, carrying a red bouquet of roses that Spike had given her at the start of the day.

"Hi." Buffy smiled at Spike as she came to stand next to him.

He grinned, then they both looked up to Xander.

He gave a dramatic sigh and started. "We're gathered here today, to marry Buffy and Spike." He could have gone through the speech Willow had prepared for him, but Xander desperately wanted this to be over. "Spike, do you take her to be your wife?"

"Yes, I do."

Buffy grinned at him, jumping up and down on the spot, her blonde hair bouncing around.

"Buffy, do you take Spike to be your husband?"

"I do! I do! I do!"

"Rings?" Willow reminded them, handing Spike Buffy's ring, and Buffy Spike's.

Spike slipped the silver ring, engraved with a "B", onto her finger, as she did the same with his ring, engraved with a "W".

Xander rolled his eyes. "I pronounce you husband and wife, you may kiss the bride, blah, blah, blah."

He stormed off before he had to watch Spike and Buffy kiss.

*

Buffy woke to Anya gently shaking her. "Miss Summers? Wake up."

She sat up and smiled at the nurse. "What is it?"

"Someone left this for you." Anya handed Buffy the bouquet of roses. "Lucky you."

"Yeah." Buffy grinned as she found the envelope wedged between the red blossoms. "Is lunch soon?"

"In about ten minutes, okay?" Anya smiled and left the room, humming to herself.

Buffy ripped open the envelope, over the moon at the thought Spike didn't hate her. She unfolded the letter and began to read, her good mood suddenly deflating.

Dear Buffy,

Hey sweetheart. I'm not going to be coming in to see you for a while, because I think it's for the best we both get our space. But please don't think I'm giving up on you. I just can't face you right now, okay? What you said yesterday truly hurt me - every time we get in a fight you seem ready to throw things like that back in my face. I trusted you with my secret, and I wish you wouldn't use it in a cruel way like you did yesterday.

My mother didn't want me, you're right. She never loved me, and I'm fine with that. I don't think I ever loved her. She was always a right bitch to me - the day before she died, she threw a fry pan at me for simply being "late". We'd never even discussed a curfew. That's where I got the scar on my eyebrow, if you've noticed. I have a hell of a lot of scars from my years living with her, some I don't even want to discuss. But I've been honest with you know, I just wish you'd grant me the same honour.

I woke up last night, and all I could think of was those bruises on your thighs. Buffy, sweetheart, you don't just get bruises like that from nowhere. Please tell me where you got them - I'll help you. I'm gonna assume a guy gave you those, and when I find him, I'll tear him up for doing this to you.

I pray every night, begging God that he'll give me another chance. I wish I could undo all the damage I've done - especially to you, but also Xander and Willow. I wish I hadn't let Harmony find out about Willow, I wish I hadn't let Angel beat the crap out of Xander every second Tuesday, and I wish I'd never let you go.

If you need me, just call. Always remember I love you.

Love from Spike.

Buffy poured out the last contents of the envelope onto the bed. It was two silver rings, one engraved with a "B", the other with "W", both reading on the inside, "Forever".

*
 

Chapter 8:

*

"Are you happy to be home?" Joyce asked with fake cheer, watching her daughter as she picked at her dinner.

"I guess so." Buffy replied without looking up. "I'm gonna go see Spike."

She pushed her plate away and went out the back door before Joyce could object. Buffy jumped the fence and went to his front door, ringing the bell several times.

As soon as Spike opened the door she jumped into his arms, hugging him until Buffy heard him start to choke. She released him and smiled. "I'm home."

Spike grinned, lifting her hand to his lips and kissing it softly. "That's wonderful, sweetheart."

"You wear glasses?" Buffy asked, noticing them suddenly.

Spike went red, biting his lip. "Yeah. Just doing homework."

"You look cute." Buffy commented with a mischeivous grin. "Can I come in?"

"Sure, but I've got to get it done, if you don't mind." He led her upstairs into his room. Buffy was suprised at how much it had changed - she supposed Spike's father was now sending compensation cheques, allowing Spike to decorate what used to be a bland, lifeless room. She remembered Drusilla had banned the boy from ever having anything nice for himself, except for the comics that Spike secretly purchased with pocket money occasionally rewarded by his Uncle Rupert.

Spike sat down on the bed again, picking up his notebook. He patted the space next to him, inviting Buffy to join him. She jumped on the bed, snuggling up next to him as he wrote.

"What is this?"

"Science." Spike answered quietly, picking up a text book from the bedside table. "Are you doing physics in your class?"

Buffy blushed. "Haven't payed much attention lately."

Spike didn't reply, adjusting his glasses before he started writing again. A moment later he felt her start kissing his neck, her hands caressing his bare chest. "Princess? What you doing?"

Buffy nuzzled his neck, leaning up to kiss his earlobe, then whispered, "Kissing you."

"Well.. yeah.. but why?"

It was a stupid question. Buffy giggled, running her hands through his hair, and replied, "Cos I love you. Is that okay?"

He threw his books aside and pulled her into his arms, returning her kisses with uncontrollable passion. He mounted her body, moving his kisses down her neck to her chest. He noticed the two rings were on a chain around her neck, a smile growing on his face. He ran his hands down her sides, and up again, right to the swell of her breasts. He moved further down her body, lifting up her shirt and kissing the soft skin of her belly.

Buffy realized where he was going and pulled him back up, pressing her lips to his. She was relaxing into his arms again when she felt his erection pressed against her. She pulled away, fear suddenly overcoming her.

"Oh, god, I'm sorry. Buffy, please." Spike put his arm around her, willing his erection to go away.

"It's okay. It was just a shock." She mumbled, avoiding looking at him. "I'm fine."

Spike buried his head in his hands. "I'm so sorry, sweetheart. I know we aren't ready for.. that."

"I think I should go." Buffy said quietly and left the room slowly.

Spike hesitated, then ran after her, bounding down the stairs. "Wait! Buffy, I-"

"Don't!" She snapped, pushing him away. "Just.. don't."

*

June 2003

"And having competed in over twenty eight competitions this school year, and winning twenty three medals, we would like to commend William Blake, Sunnydale High's champion swimmer!" Giles smiled as the students let out a huge cheer for Spike as he ran up on stage.

"Thanks Uncle Rupert." He smiled, accepting the trophy with a huge grin. He stepped off the stage, smiling at his classmates proudly, before returning to his seat.

They were dismissed and Spike headed for his locker, admiring the trophy. He retrieved his textbooks, about to leave, when someone tapped him on the shoulder.

"Congratulations." Buffy smiled at him, leaning against his locker.

"Thanks." Spike returned the smile, although suprised she was talking to him.

"Do you maybe want to come over for my birth-"

"What are you talking to her for?" Harmony stormed over and pulled Spike away from Buffy. "She's such a geek!"

People turned around, watching the commotion rather than racing for the exits as the final bell sounded.

"I'll go." Buffy said quietly, turning away.

"You don't have to, lu-"

"Yes, she does!" Harmony screeched. "God, Spike, she was practically giving you a hand job right here in the corridor! She's so in love with you!"

Murmers of disbelief echoed through the audience. Buffy stared at Spike, tears glittering in her green eyes, silently begging him to defend her. He glanced at Harmony and could see she wasn't happy. He turned away from Buffy. "Come on, Harmony."

She smirked back at a shocked Buffy, putting her hand on Spike's butt to prove he was hers. Buffy stormed off, pushing past the couple and breaking them apart. As she went past, she hissed to Spike, "Fuck you. I hate you."

He blinked back tears, going unnoticed by Harmony, and they continued on their way.

*

Present Day

Buffy watched as Spike powered up and down the pool, wondering how he could stand the water on such a cold day. She sat down at the end of the lane, waiting for him to return. She was glad Spike was training late. She wouldn't be returning to school for a while, and definetly didn't want to cope with seeing everyone just yet. Buffy was sure rumours were flying - just as they'd been when she'd left. But then they'd circulated about her supposed affair with Angel.

He stood up, breathing heavily from seemingly endless laps up and down the Olympic sized pool. Spike glanced up, suprised to see Buffy smiling back at him.

"Hey you."

"Hi.. what are you doing here?" He pulled his goggles off and stared at her.

"I wanted to apologise for last night.. that stuff just happens, and I freaked out. It was silly." She removed her shoes as she spoke, dipping her feet into the water. "Geez, that's cold."

"It's not." Spike grinned and grabbed at her.

"Don't!" Buffy cried, backing away from him. Spike splashed her, ducking under the water to avoid getting hit over the head.

"Spike, I'm wet now!" She glared at him, reaching out to swipe at him. Spike grabbed her by the arm and pulled her in, laughing as Buffy came back up spluttering.

"You okay, princess?" He smiled at Buffy, her clothing soaked, and makeup running.

"You're dead!" She cried, jumping on him and forcing him under the water. Spike's strength exceeded hers and he lifted her up into the air, before dunking her down into the pool.

"Enough! I give up." Buffy said, pulling away from him. Spike was about to get out of the pool, when Buffy turned back to face him and jumped on him again, splashing him like crazy. Spike reached up and tickled Buffy under the armpits until she was giggling weakly in his arms. He tilted her chin up, smiling down at her, then kissed her softly.

"Love you." He whispered, holding her as close as possible. "So much."

"I love you too." Buffy kissed him again. "Okay, now I'm really cold. Can we get out?"

Spike led her to the ladder, helping her out as her clothes weighed her down. "You need a shower?"

"Yeah." Buffy snuggled into the towel he offered her.

Spike bit down on his lip nervously. "The girl's change rooms don't have plumbing at the moment, it's being fixed. You want to use the men's room?"

Buffy's toes curled, the very idea of going back in there sickening her. Speaking quickly, and in a high, anxious tone, she said, "I'll be fine. I'll have a shower when I get home."

"I won't look." He teased, starting to pull her towards the doors.

"No! Really.. I'm fine." She wrenched away from him, trembling violently.

"You're cold, you need a shower." Spike dragged her through the doors, ignoring her as Buffy thrashed in his arms, trying to escape. "I won't take no for an answer."

Buffy stared up at him in horror, going weak at the knees. She fell to the floor, the cold, hard tiles all too familiar. She let out a strangled sob and raced for the door, tripping over her own feet and smacking her head against the floor.

"Jesus Christ, Summers! What's the matter with you?" Spike scooped her up into his arms, but she was resisting so much Buffy fell to the floor again.

"Don't make me! Please don't! It hurts so bad..." she continued screaming, yanking away from Spike every time he tried to grab her.

"BUFFY!" Spike shouted, shocking her into silence. Buffy froze, allowing him to help her to her feet. "What did you just say?"

"Nothing." She squeaked.

"No, you just said: Angel, please stop!" Spike narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "What did that mean?"

"Nothing." Her voice was wobbling along with her legs. Spike noticed, and scooped her up into his arms, carrying her like an infant.

"Elizabeth Anne fucking Summers, tell me what's going on!" Spike took a deep breath and spoke in a softer tone. "Tell me exactly what's happened to you, and how it involves Angel."

"I-"

"NOW!" Spike barked. "Don't you trust me?"

"Never." She burst into tears.

*

 

Chapter 9:

*

Spike pulled into Buffy's driveway. They hadn't spoken the entire time, the atmosphere unbearably tense for the both of them.

Buffy was about to open the door when Spike reached over and locked it. "I can't make you tell me what happened, Buffy. But I can take a guess. I don't even know how to.." He took a deep breath, putting his hand on her knee. "If what I think happened did indeed happen, you have to tell me, alright?"

"Why? Why do I have to?" Buffy glared at him. "You'd never stand a chance of understanding."

"Try me out, luv." Spike leant over, trying to kiss her, but Buffy jerked back, hitting her head against the window. She unlocked the door and got out, hurrying up to the house.

"Fuck!" Spike got out, slamming the door and following her. "Buffy! Lemme in."

"Go away!"

He could hear she was crying, concern swelling in his stomach. He hated it when Buffy cried - it made him feel unbelievably ill to know she was hurting. "Buffy, let me in, luv."

"NO!" She screamed back, picking up a wine glass off the coffee table and hurling it at the door. Spike heard it shatter and winced.

"Buffy, I'll break this door down."

"You do and I'll call the cops."

"What, and get Xander's dad over here? Ooh, I'm scared."

"I'll kill myself!" Buffy shrieked, running to the kitchen and grabbing a knife.

Spike knew she wasn't bluffing. He ran around the side of the house, staring through the window at her. Buffy glared back at him, holding the knife to her throat. Fear consumed Spike to the point where he felt faint - this was all too familiar.

*

January 2002

Spike returned home, flopping down on the couch. He was exhausted after training - and desperately anxious he wouldn't make the team.

"Where have you been, Spike?" Drusilla came downstairs, glaring at him.

"I've been at school."

"This late?" She shrieked, pointing to the clock. "Liar! Don't you care about your mother?"

"Do you care about me?" Spike snapped back, suprising her. Drusilla's face twisted with rage and she flew at Spike, ready to hit him, when he pushed her back. He was taller and stronger than her, and could easily hold her back.

"Don't start with me." Spike stormed upstairs to his room, slamming the door shut.

"I HATE YOU!" Drusilla screamed from downstairs. "YOU RUINED MY LIFE!"

"Yeah, and you ruined mine!" Spike roared back, blasting his music. But still he could hear Drusilla's screams of rage.

"You and your worthless father! You were a mistake! An accident! You hear me? First he made me suffer, then he made me have you! I'll kill myself! Is that what you want?"

This threat truly terrified Spike. He didn't want her dead, certainly not because he'd misbehaved. Spike raced downstairs into the kitchen, where Drusilla was holding a butcher's knife to her heart. Spike rushed forward and snatched at it, trying to get it away from his mother. She screamed more insults at him as they fought over the knife, finally wrenching it away from Spike.

"Give it here." He said firmly.

"Okay." Drusilla cackled and stabbed her son in the shoulder. Spike screamed in agony and fell to the floor, clutching the wound. His mother laughed, then simply left the room.

*

Present Day

Spike noticed the window was ajar, and pulled it wide open, jumping inside. Buffy let out a strangled scream, backing away, the knife still poised against her throat. "Get away."

"No." Spike grabbed her by the arm that held the knife, then pried it out of her grip. "Don't be fucking stupid, Buffy."

Buffy burst into tears, falling to the floor weakly. Spike dropped to his knees beside her, and hugged her to him. "Shh, luv."

"It hurts so bad."

"What hurts?" Spike cooed, combing her hair with his fingers.

"Everything. Just.. everything."

He picked her up and carried her upstairs into the bathroom. Buffy huddled on the floor as Spike ran her a bath, pouring in generous amounts of bubble mix. When he turned back to her, Buffy was wrapped in a towel, ready to get in.

"I'll go get you some tea." Spike mumbled, bright red at the thought of a near naked Buffy. When he returned with a mug of tea, she was buried under the bubbles, smiling up at him.

"Thanks."

"S'okay." He handed her the tea. "Buffy.. look at me, luv."

She gazed up at him. "Mmm?"

"I know you don't want to tell me." Spike took her hand in his, brushing the bubbles away and kissing her fingertips. "But I know about this stuff, alright? My mum was raped.. she never let me forget that I was a walking, talking memory of that." He chuckled bitterly. "I think of that happening to you and I just feel sick."

Buffy played with the bubbles, avoiding looking at him, for she knew he'd see the tears in her eyes.

"Please trust me, alright? I'll help you. I'll make whoever did this pay."

Buffy glanced up at him nervously. "You'd never understand though.. I don't know how to.. how to.."

"How to what, sweetheart?" Spike continued kissing the palm of her hand, coaxing the words out of her with his affection.

"How to put it into words." Buffy sobbed. "It hurts, Spike."

"I know, princess." Spike kissed her on the forehead as Buffy sunk further into the water. "But I can make that better."

Buffy was silent, considering this. She gazed up at Spike. "I'll think about it. That's all I can say right now, alright?"

"Alright." Spike smiled at her.

"Can you go into my room and get me my nightgown?" Buffy returned the smile. "It's in the third drawer down."

Spike went into her room, doing as she instructed, and opened the right drawer. He pulled out the pale pink lacy nightgown and went to give it to her, knocking first to make sure she was ready. Buffy took the nightgown from him, and shut the door again. When she finally came out, Buffy jumped into his arms and kissed him. "I love you."

"I love you too, sweetheart."

"Spike?" Buffy played with the buttons on his shirt for a moment, deep in thought. "Have you broken up with Harmony yet?"

"No." Spike said softly, guilt suddenly hitting him. But he knew he didn't regret cheating on Harmony - he knew she had done the same to him hundreds of times - Spike felt bad because he could see Buffy felt bad. "But I will, sweetheart. I promise... you're the only girl for me."

Buffy led him into her room. "Will you hold me?"

"Of course." Spike whispered, sliding into bed with her, his arms curling around her waist. "I love you, Buffy."

"Mmm.. I love you too."

Feeling safe and loved in each other's arms, it was the best night's sleep either of them had had in years.

*
 

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