Collide

By: enigmaticblue

Rating: PG-15

Disclaimer: The standard "I don't own; please don't sue."

Archive: Anywhere that already has my stuff; anywhere else just ask.

Summary: What if that house-demolishing in Smashed was a metaphor with a different meaning than the writers gave it? What if that night marked a release of a different sort? Goes seriously AU immediately after Smashed, and makes reference to my short story, "The Promise I'm Keeping," written for summer_of_spike.

Chapter 5: Twisting Paths

"...Tell me why the road keeps turning/When everything you want is straight ahead/And everything I thought worth learning/is forgotten when I see your face instead/I know why the heart gets lonely/Everytime you give your love away/And if you think that you are only/A shadow in the wind/Blowin' 'round but when/You let somebody in/they might fade away..." Sheryl Crow, "I Know Why"

Dinner was a revelation. If Buffy had believed Spike incapable of being integrated into her life, it was eating out that put that fear to rest. Maybe it shouldn't have been such a big deal, but it had been so long since Buffy had been out to a nice restaurant with anyone, let alone the guy she was sleeping with.

Okay, so maybe she wasn't in love with Spike, but after dinner out, Buffy was starting to think that she might just be a little in like with him.

It was the way that Spike pulled her chair out for her without any hesitation. It was the way he ordered a huge meal for her when she was ready to just get a salad. It was in the way he teased Dawn and made her laugh, and in the way his sly grin had Buffy smiling too as he stole bits of food off of Dawn's plate.

With Spike there, Buffy felt as though her rough edges were smoother. It was somehow easier to smile, to laugh, to talk with her sister. Spike provided a buffer between her and the rest of the world that eased her way.

And when Buffy and Dawn had eaten so much they could hardly move, Spike paid the bill in cash. The Slayer decided that she probably didn't want to know where the money had come from. There were times when it was better to remain ignorant.

Spike walked them home like the gentleman he wasn't. Or maybe he was. Buffy wasn't so sure anymore. "You goin' on patrol?" he asked once they'd reached the front door.

"I don't know," Buffy said. "Dawn—"

"I'm good," Dawn said quickly. "You guys should go patrol." She smelled a romance brewing, and she wasn't sure there was anything she wanted more. Dawn had felt as though she had a family again tonight. She wanted to keep it that way.

Spike tilted his head, waiting for Buffy's decision. "So?"

She hesitated only another moment. "Sure. Let's go."

~~~~~

They did patrol. They even managed to dust a few vampires. And then they went back to Spike's crypt where they tried out his bed.

It was fundamentally different, if only because it wasn't nearly as impulsive on either side. Granted, they hadn't really been able to keep their hands off one another while walking the cemeteries, but Spike had asked Buffy to come back to his place, and she had agreed, and then they had waited.

Not very long, but they had waited. It felt more like a date than something that was purely sex.

That was probably why, when Buffy laid back against Spike's rumpled sheets, she couldn't help but stare at him. Here was this guy she was sleeping with, and she was beginning to wonder if he wasn't really a stranger in familiar clothing.

"Do I have somethin' on my face?" he joked, sounding a little nervous under her scrutiny.

Buffy shook her head. "I just don't know you."

Spike's expression turned puzzled, with just a touch of hurt. "I've never hidden who I am."

"No, not that," Buffy replied, frustrated that she couldn't find the right words. She could never find the right words. She was action-girl, but action wasn't helping her case. Her actions could be interpreted in any of a dozen different ways. "You have so many—what do they call them—faces?"

Spike frowned, and he decided to take a stab at interpreting the Slayer's meaning. "Facets?"

"That's it." Buffy shook her head. "You have all these sides, and sometimes I feel like I don't know who you are at all."

"I'm not that complicated," Spike replied. "Not much of me to figure out."

"No." Her hand traced circles on his chest unconsciously. "It's not that simple. I used to think it was, but it's not."

Spike was uncertain about where she was going with this line of conversation. "That a bad thing?"

"I don't think so." She met his eyes. "Do you really think you can fit in my world, Spike?"

The way Buffy asked the question, Spike realized that she was seriously considering the idea. As if it had finally occurred to her that he belonged there. "What do you want me to say, Buffy?"

"I want you to tell me the truth."

"The truth is that I love you enough to try, but I'm not the only one in this relationship."

"Then what do you want?"

It was her tone that caused Spike to think that he might be able to risk honesty with her. She sounded as though she wanted to know. "I want you to try. I want you to treat me like a man, like I mean something to you, even if you don't love me."

He wasn't asking for very much, and Buffy knew it. Spike could have demanded that she make him promises, that she tell him how she really felt, that she tell all her friends about them.

Spike asked for no more than he deserved.

"You mean something." Buffy touched his cheek. "I wish I could tell you."

Spike's eyes glowed, a flame kindling. "You don't have to."

He bent to taste her, worshipping her body.

For the first time, Buffy accepted his adoration. She caught a glimpse of how he saw her, and she saw a bit of heaven. It scared her to death.

And it warmed her to the core.

~~~~~

Tara took a deep breath before knocking. She knew no one ever knocked on Spike's door, but she felt odd not giving him some kind of a warning before barging in.

Not least because she wasn't sure whether or not Buffy would be there in the middle of the afternoon.

She wasn't really sure what she was doing at his crypt. It wasn't like she had a plan for what to say, only that it had been months since she had seen him, and that seemed—wrong, somehow. Tara had seen him nearly every day over the summer, even if it was only to catch a glimpse of him. She didn't like the idea of him being so completely excluded from the group. The further out he was, the less likely he would be able to offer Buffy what she needed.

Of course, how Tara was going to convince him of that...

"Tara?" Spike's face betrayed his surprise. "What are you doin' here, pet?"

"I-I came t-to t-t-talk to you." In spite of her shudder, Tara was standing up straight, her shoulders back.

A smile touched his lips. "Sure, why not?" he muttered. "Come on in." Spike gave her a sly smile. "I don't bite."

"At least, not me," Tara responded, with a smug smile of her own.

Spike stared at her, and then gave an appreciative chuckle. "So she told you, did she?"

"She told me." Tara regarded him calmly. "What are you going to do?"

"What do you think I'm goin' to do?" Spike challenged. "It's Buffy. I'm goin' to do whatever it takes."

Tara wasn't ready to back down. "What if it's not you she needs, Spike? What if you're not good for her?"

She could see the struggle in his eyes. It gave her hope, because it meant that Spike really did love her. He really did want the best for Buffy.

But he wanted her, too.

"Dunno," he finally said. "I wish I could say I'd give her up, walk away for her own good, if that's what she needed, but 'm weak." Spike's jaw tightened. "An' she needs me, Glinda."

"I believe she does."

Those four words left a stunned silence in their wake. Spike's eyebrow went straight up. "You were testin' me," he accused.

Tara smiled. "I had to know," she said simply. "Buffy is going to need an ally. I think you might end up needing one as well." Her eyes were direct, but they held a gentleness that Spike had rarely seen directed towards him. "I would support Buffy's decision because it's hers, but I wanted to know if I was going to have to pick up the pieces later."

"You might," Spike replied. "I'm not perfect." He grinned. "Damn near, but not perfect."

"But you love her."

"More than anything," Spike said seriously. "I'd never hurt her on purpose, Tara. You know that."

"I do." She sighed. "I would help Buffy no matter what, but I feel as though I owe her for..."

"Red—"

"I knew better." Tara said it flatly. "When Dawn came to us wanting to resurrect Mrs. Summers, I told her no, and I gave her a number of reasons for it. Messing with those kinds of forces goes against everything I believe, and I let Willow talk me into it."

Their eyes met, and a shared understanding passed between them. What had been done could not, and should not, be undone, but they could help to ameliorate the effects. "So you got any good advice?" Spike asked.

"Yes, I do," Tara replied. "You're going to have to do everything right, Spike. Most people can afford to make mistakes. You can't. If you force Buffy to choose between you and her duty, it could destroy her. You're the only one she trusts right now."

Spike looked down at the ground, then back up, taking a deep breath. "Right. So where do I start?"

Tara just shook her head. "It's not where you start, Spike. It's where you end up." She shrugged. "I just wanted to tell you that if you ever need to talk, or if you need to double-check something, you can always come to me."

Spike nodded slowly. "You're good people, Glinda. You know that?" He smiled when she flushed. "I do have something I want to run by you."

Tara was a little surprised to be taken up on her offer so soon, but the conversation had gone so well up to this point that she didn't think it could hurt. "Shoot."

"I've got a plan to get Buffy some money."

~~~~~

"I think we should have Tara and Spike over for Christmas."

The suggestion came out of the blue, and Buffy's head shot up. Thankfully, she hadn't been forced to cook, since they still had leftovers from the restaurant the previous night which were just as good the second time around. The Slayer was fairly sure that she should be able to cook. How hard was it to follow a recipe, after all? Even so, she burned two out of three meals, and the rest just didn't taste right.

Of course, food in general just didn't taste right since she'd come back. It was one of the reasons that she wasn't eating much these days.

"Dawn, I don't—"

"Why can't we?" Dawn asked stubbornly. "They're part of our family, too."

"Willow and Xander will probably be here," Buffy reminded her gently. "I'm just not sure that it's a good idea."

"Why should Tara and Spike have to be alone for Christmas just because Xander and Willow are being stupid?" Dawn demanded. "It's half my house, and so it should be half my holiday. I want to invite them."

Buffy sighed, putting her head in her hands. "I don't want a big fight over this, Dawnie. You know what will happen if we invite everyone."

"So because Tara and Spike didn't do anything wrong, they get the shaft?" The teen's arms were crossed in front of her chest, and she tossed her hair impatiently. "Besides, Willow's Jewish. She shouldn't be celebrating Christmas anyway."

Buffy took a deep breath. "Dawn—"

"Why can't we have them for Christmas Eve at least?" Dawn pleaded, suddenly dropping the stubborn, bratty little sister act. She'd perfected the technique on Spike over the summer. Ask for something you knew you'd never get first, act like you're not backing down, and then ask for a reasonable alternative.

It looked like it might work on Buffy, because her sister was definitely softening. "I don't know, Dawnie. I'm not sure that Christmas is going to be very cheerful around here this year."

Dawn swallowed hard. "But, Buffy, it's the first Christmas since Mom—please. Even if it's not much, I just want Tara and Spike here. They took care of me, and I hate that they'll be by themselves."

"Christmas Day," Buffy said decidedly. "Mom always had guests over on Christmas Eve, and I'm guessing that Xander and the others will want to come over that night." She made a face. "We'll figure something out, food-wise, but Christmas you can ask Spike and Tara over."

Sensing a chink in her sister's armor, Dawn pressed, "You could have Spike stay over on Christmas Eve. That way he'd be here in the morning, and he wouldn't have to worry about the sunlight."

Buffy opened her mouth to give an unequivocal no, and then stopped. Why shouldn't she ask Spike to join them? He wasn't actively fighting with her friends these days. They were capable of tolerating each other for a few hours. Besides, if anybody complained about his presence, Buffy would just blame Dawn and her need to have everyone there to try and fill the void Joyce's absence left.

Not that it would ever be filled, but they could gloss over the hole for a little while.

"I'll think about it."

Dawn beamed. She was halfway there already.

~~~~~

"What are we doing for Christmas, Xander?" Anya asked.

Xander frowned. "We're spending Christmas with Buffy." It was what they always did, or at least what he'd been doing for the last couple of years.

Anya held in a sigh. She'd been reading about marriage in her bridal magazines. The December issues talked about how every couple should create their own traditions, and Anya was fairly certain that they didn't have any. Well, there was the Naughty Nurse outfit. There was some tradition there, but that was about it.

Somehow, she was fairly certain that wasn't what the magazines were talking about.

"Maybe we should do something different," Anya suggested. "We don't have our own traditions, Xander. Couples should have traditions. It brings them closer together."

Xander had no idea where this was coming from. If he had to hazard a guess, he'd say it was Anya's magazines that she seemed to like so much. "Anya, we do have a tradition. We spend Christmas with Buffy."

"It's always Buffy," Anya said. "Or Willow. What about us, Xander? What about putting our relationship first?"

"Buffy's like family, An," Xander explained. "You spend Christmas with family."

"You spend Christmas with the people you love most," Anya persisted. "We're going to be a family."

It was the fact that Anya's voice held a hint of hurt that had Xander thinking he might need to make a concession. "What do you want to do?"

"I don't know," Anya replied. Then, giving it some thought, she suggested, "Why couldn't we take a trip? Just a few days with just the two of us." It sounded like the perfect way to spend the holiday. Away from Sunnydale, from the Hellmouth, from the Slayer and Xander's friends. Anya was tired of continually feeling as though she had to take second place to whatever new emergency came up.

She was tired of Xander choosing to spend time with anyone but her. He came to her for sex and nothing else.

"Where would we go?" he asked, starting to think about it. If they took a trip, he wouldn't have to make the obligatory visit to his parents' place. He wouldn't have to think about the fact that if they hadn't pulled Buffy out of heaven, she would be happy right now. In fact, Xander wouldn't have to think about Willow and her disturbing disregard for the decisions of others, or work, or any of the other thousand little things that plagued him on a daily basis.

Not to mention the fact that the opportunity to get away from the Hellmouth sounded nice.

"Maybe San Francisco?" Anya suggested hopefully. "I've been doing a lot of reading, and that sounds like our best option. I have a friend who can get us flights and hotel rooms very inexpensively."

Xander considered it for a moment, and then decided that they ought to do it. Maybe a little alone time with Anya was exactly what he needed. They could reconnect, and he could set aside those niggling little fears that Sweet had made him sing about.

Maybe it would be just the thing to help him make the right decision for both of them. "Okay, An. Let's do it."

Anya hugged him hard, and then kissed him, showing Xander her appreciation. She figured it never hurt to use a little positive reinforcement.

This trip would be exactly what they needed.

Chapter 6: Fumbling in the Dark

"She looks over her shoulder with a half specific glare/As if it were the past/An interception of intentions from a once familiar path/A promise broken in half/So she let go...And it was like she said/A chance to learn instead/Of staying in the lines and never knowing why/She stumbles through the door/Were the angels fighting demons in the corner of her room/Or was it happenstance/That she would catch a glimpse of loving safety more than life/A faithless circumstance/So she let go..." Sarah Masen, "She Stumbles Through the Door"

"Hello, Buffy."

Willow's voice was cool. The Slayer wasn't quite sure what to do with that. Willow had never been cold. Angry, frustrated, excited, you name it, but not cold.

Buffy was beginning to think that this really wasn't Willow anymore.

"Hey. Xander said I could find you here." Buffy looked past Willow's shoulder into the dorm room. It looked nice, nicer than Buffy thought she'd be able to manage in just a couple of days. What had Willow been using magic for now? "This is nice."

"It's okay," Willow said dismissively, ignoring the fact that it was probably one of the nicest dorm rooms on campus. "Did you want something?"

Buffy grimaced, realizing that this was how they were going to play it. Willow was going to be cool and aloof until she apologized for what she said.

Well, too bad. Buffy wasn't feeling sorry.

"I just wanted to know if you were still coming for Christmas Eve," Buffy said. "You're still welcome, and that's when we're doing dinner or whatever."

Willow's face softened slightly, but she shook her head. "I've already made other plans. With friends."

"Oh, right," Buffy said, feeling the rebuff. She didn't like being on the outs with Willow. She wanted to make things better, but she didn't want to do it at the expense of what she felt was right.

Willow had needed to move out. She needed to do something about her magic use, which seemed out of control. And Buffy wouldn't mind if Willow apologized for pulling her out of heaven and actually meant it rather than offering rationalizations.

"Maybe we could do something for New Years?" Willow suggested.

Buffy nodded. "Yeah, that would be good. I, uh, I guess I'll see you later."

"Yeah, I've got some studying to do," Willow replied. "I'll see you, Buffy."

Buffy watched the door close, realizing that Willow hadn't even invited her in.

~~~~~

"Willow's still a little angry about you asking her to move out, Buffy," Xander consoled her later. He wasn't used to being in the middle of Buffy and Willow. He'd been caught between Anya and Willow plenty, but this was new. Buffy had asked him to come over after he got off work, telling him that she'd seen Willow and that she wanted to talk to him.

He wasn't sure what to think about Willow's response to Buffy. He knew that Willow was still angry with the Slayer, angrier than he'd ever seen her, actually.

It made him wonder what happened to the girl who so rarely became upset that her anger was enough to stop Angel and Giles in their tracks.

Buffy frowned. "Surely she sees that taking Dawn to Rack's wasn't smart, Xander. I couldn't let her stay in the house after she put Dawn in danger. Not to mention that memory spell! She could have gotten all of us killed."

Xander shrugged uncomfortably. "It's Willow, Buffy. You know she wouldn't hurt Dawn, or you."

"But she did," Buffy replied. "I just don't understand why she can't see that."

Xander was beginning to get twitchy. He didn't like being in the middle, and now they were talking about something he had been involved in, too. Maybe resurrecting Buffy had been Willow's idea, but he'd been behind it. He still wasn't all that sorry she was back.

"I'm sure she does, Buf." Xander managed a crooked smile. "Give her a little time. With Tara breaking up with her, and you kicking her out, she's not a happy witch."

That worried Buffy, honestly. When Willow felt like people weren't feeling the way she wanted them to feel, she had a tendency to see if magic wouldn't speed up the process. She didn't feel as though she could explain her concerns to Xander, however. Not when he seemed pretty intent on excusing Willow's actions.

"Yeah, I know. She just needs some time," Buffy echoed, wishing that her friends had done her the same courtesy when she'd first crawled out of her grave. "I wanted to talk to you about Christmas Eve."

"I wanted to talk to you about that, too," Xander said. "Anya wants to take a trip, and I think it would be a good idea."

Buffy blinked. "A trip?"

"She wants us to have some time alone together," Xander explained hastily. "With the wedding coming up, we've both been pretty busy. It's probably an idea she got out of one of her bridal magazines, but I think it might be a good one."

"Sure, you should do that," Buffy said, trying to swallow her disappointment. It wasn't like she'd been all that excited about having the gang over for Christmas, but it still felt as though they were abandoning her.

Was that stupid? And didn't they remember that this was the first holiday season without her mom?

Xander gave her another crooked grin and a one-armed hug. "We'll have to do something for New Years, though. Anya and I will be back by then."

"Of course," Buffy replied. "Willow said she might want to do something for New Years, too."

Xander glanced at his watch. "Oh, hey, I have to go. I'm meeting Anya. We're supposed to talk about the flower arrangements or invitations or something. I'll see you later."

Buffy gave him a half-hearted goodbye, not quite sure what to think. She knew that Xander hadn't planned to hurt her. Far from it. He was marrying Anya; they should spend time together. Besides, it wasn't like she had been looking forward to cooking or anything.

She gulped down a sob and put her head on her arms as the grief threatened to overwhelm her. Buffy wanted her mom.

~~~~~

Spike went around to the back of the house. Although he wanted to present his plan for coming up with some cash to Buffy, Spike still wasn't sure that it was going to work. He figured that there was a good possibility, but he didn't want to get her hopes up.

Maybe he could surprise her. Solving all her financial problems would be quite the Christmas gift.

He knocked softly on the glass, trying the knob when he didn't get an answer. The door opened easily under his hand, and he frowned, wondering why the Slayer had left her door unlocked. Anyone could have walked inside.

"Buffy?"

Spike didn't get a response. He knew that the Bit was with Tara. She had mentioned feeding the girl dinner to give Buffy a break. They had discussed taking care of Dawn more often between the two of them, thinking that the Slayer probably needed some relief from the pressure of parenting. Dawn was a good kid, but she got on Buffy's nerves without trying too hard.

"Slayer? You here?" Spike wandered into the living room. He could see Buffy's still figure curled up on the couch, and he felt a thrill of fear until he caught the faint sound of her heart beating. "Buffy?"

She was sleeping, he realized, and Spike could see the traces of tears on her cheeks. With a gentle hand, he brushed back her hair. "Oh, luv," he murmured, wishing that there was something he could do to ease her pain.

It was all he really wanted these days.

"Spike?" Buffy groaned, her eyes fluttering open. "What are you doing here? What time is it?"

"Nearing ten," he said. "Why don't you go up to bed? I'll stay until the Bit gets home."

She shook her head. "No, I'm fine. I must have fallen asleep." Buffy sat up, rubbing at her sticky eyes. She knew she probably looked terrible.

Spike's hand smoothed her hair back. "Have you eaten?"

"Huh?" Buffy asked. "No, I—"

"Why don't you let me get something for you?"

"You can cook?" Buffy asked, incredulous.

Spike sighed. "Buffy, I like food, and I did take care of Dawn. Didn't have to cook very often, but I had to keep her from poisonin' herself the nights the witches were out. Come on."

Amazingly enough, she didn't argue. She let Spike pull her up off the couch. It felt so good to be the one getting taken care of, for once. After the day she'd just had, Buffy felt like she deserved a little TLC.

"Want to tell me what happened?"

Buffy really didn't, but she had promised Dawn that she would ask Spike to come over on Christmas. There certainly weren't any obstacles preventing him from spending the night before at their house now. "I asked Willow and Xander to come over on Christmas Eve."

"They said no, and that they had other plans," Spike guessed, looking through Buffy's cupboards. "Where's your food?"

"We don't really have any," Buffy replied. "And, yes, that's exactly what they said. Willow's still mad, and Xander's kind of weird around me. Ever since they found out that I wasn't in hell."

Spike shrugged. "Well, it would make sense. He's partly responsible for you bein' miserable."

Buffy sighed. "I know, it shouldn't even be that big of a deal. It's not like we've spent every Christmas together or anything. It's just..."

"This is the first one without your mum, and you were all together last year." Spike didn't have to guess this time.

Buffy frowned. "How did you know about that?"

"Was watchin' you, wasn't I?" Spike responded, sounding just a little sheepish.

There was still a large part of Buffy that was squicked by the idea of Spike stalking her, and yet she couldn't fault him. Not when she'd seen the possible end result of his devotion. She decided to let the reference to his stalker-tendencies slide. Instead, she changed the subject.

"Dawn wanted me to invite you for Christmas."

"Because your superfriends can't come?"

Spike's snide tone didn't quite hide the hurt. Buffy rolled her eyes. He could be so freaking sensitive. "No, Dawn just wants you here because she can't stand the thought of you being alone for Christmas."

"Did you tell her that vampires don't celebrate?" Spike shot back.

Buffy refused to be drawn into an argument. She was just too tired tonight; there was no energy to spare soothing Spike's fragile ego. "Actually, I told her that I'd think about it."

Spike wasn't sure he wanted to be placated, but he hated seeing that defeated expression on his Slayer's face. "So have you come to a decision?"

"Both you and Tara are invited," Buffy replied. "Since Xander and Willow aren't going to be here, I won't have to worry about juggling people."

Spike winced, realizing that it wasn't only his presence that could make things uncomfortable for Buffy. "You don't have to ask me, luv, if it makes things easier on you. I'll tell Dawn I've got somethin' else."

Buffy shook her head. "No, Dawn wants you guys here, and she was right. It's half her house, so she should be able to have who she wants. From what she's said, you're pretty much family."

He shrugged. "Yeah, well, we looked after each other." Spike fixed her with a dirty look. "You don't have any food in the house."

Buffy winced. "I haven't really had time to go grocery shopping, and I burn anything I cook, so there doesn't seem to be much point."

"Let's get you fed, then," Spike said.

Buffy tried for a cheerful smile. "Spike, I'm really not all that hungry."

"You need to eat," he insisted.

"Spike—"

"What's the real problem, Buffy?" He gave her a sharp look. "Is it money? Because I can swing a couple bags of groceries."

Buffy shook her head. "No, I—" At the expression on his face, she sighed. "Things are tight, and with Christmas coming up..."

"I can fix it, Buffy."

She shook her head. "Spike, no. I can't accept that."

"It's not stolen," he assured her. "Talked to Tara about it, and she thought it was a good idea. I didn't want to say anythin' just yet. Wanted it to be a surprise."

"Spike—"

"Look, if I can manage it, I should have it taken care of within the week, just in time for your Christmas shoppin'."

"How am I supposed to explain that to the social workers, Spike?" Buffy asked. "I can't just suddenly come up with a bunch of money."

"Tell them a rich relative died and left you a trust fund. That's not so unusual. I can even manage the paperwork somehow."

"I can't take that from you," Buffy replied. "It's too much."

Spike laid his hand over hers where it rested on the counter. "Buffy, I would do just about anythin' for you, up to and includin' taking on a Hellgod. Digging up some buried treasure isn't much."

"What about you?" Buffy asked stubbornly. "I'm not taking all your money."

Spike chuckled. "If you'd seen what I've seen, you would know that's just not possible. Trust me, luv, you won't be deprivin' me of anything."

"So where are you getting this buried treasure?" Buffy asked, suddenly curious in spite of herself.

Spike just gave her an enigmatic smile. "Just wait an' see."

~~~~~~

It wasn't that Spike hadn't given thought to going back for the treasure that had come with the Gem of Amara, it just hadn't been worth the trouble. One of the tunnels leading to the cave had been blocked, and getting to the treasure would have resulted in a great deal of personal risk. As long as he could keep himself in blood and smokes with an occasional game of poker or getting the Slayer to pay him for his help, Spike hadn't seen the need to risk life and limb.

The very idea of getting stuck in one of those tunnels, with no way out, slowly starving until there was nothing left of him—well, it was enough to give him nightmares.

If it would help Buffy, though, it would be worth it.

Spike had told her not to look for him for a few days while he got things settled. He'd refused to tell her where he was going, even though it might be a good idea for somebody to have a clue where he was if he got stuck. The last thing he wanted was for Buffy to come after him and get killed by falling rocks.

At least, Spike thought it was a bad idea for the Slayer to know. She was certain to get impatient and then put herself in danger. Clem, on the other hand, could be trusted to do as he asked, and so he'd left word with the gentle demon. Clem was supposed to meet him on the other end in a day's time, and if Spike didn't show up, he was to get help.

Spike had no idea what kind of help Clem would be able to come up with, but he was certain to show up with enough buddies to dig Spike out anyway.

The vampire just hoped that it wouldn't come to that. If it did, Spike would be stuck paying them all off, which would put a serious dent in the load he brought out.

The tunnels were just as bad as he'd expected them to be. Spike had to shift quite a bit of rock in at least four locations to get back to the cavern where the treasure was.

It was the third blockage that nearly trapped him under a pile of rubble. Spike had to scramble through the opening he'd made to avoid being crushed. He turned to look at the slide, spitting dust out of his mouth. "Bugger," he muttered, along with a few other choice comments.

He could have given up at that point, but Spike was on a mission. He kept going.

The cavern itself had been perfectly preserved. Everything looked just as he remembered it, and Spike began sifting through the treasure to find the pieces that would bring the most money. Although he would probably be able to find his way back, he'd rather not have to make the trek again. The best way to deal with the Slayer's financial needs, as well as his own, would be to take the items of highest value, invest the proceeds, and allow Buffy and Dawn to live on the interest. Spike was planning on doing the same with his own share, although he didn't need much.

He'd always been able to get money when he needed it. Most of the time it wasn't worth the effort, but now that Buffy seemed willing to at least consider letting him into her life, Spike figured he needed to make it worth her while.

Spike had been giving things a lot of thought. He had no plans to completely change who he was, but there were certain concessions he could make that would make things easier for Buffy.

Buffy had insisted on him getting a phone, which took money. Spike had also been giving serious thought to having some place other than the crypt, something a little more posh. Having a real place might also ease the Slayer's mind about Dawn coming around more often.

They were such small things, and it wasn't like he couldn't be the Big Bad with a cell phone and an apartment. Bottom line, Tara had been right. Spike needed to do this right, because he didn't want to risk this fragile thing that he and Buffy had wrought.

It was spun glass right now, but give it time and it could be something substantial.

Spike put the last of the loot he could feasibly carry in the second bag and looked around to make sure he hadn't missed anything important. Almost without thinking, he picked up a necklace and stuck it in his pocket, thinking that he might be able to give it to Buffy as a gift. Maybe for her birthday, since he was carrying her Christmas present.

With a deep breath, Spike faced the entrance. He really wasn't looking forward to the trip back.

Chapter 7: Collide

"The dawn is breaking/A light shining through/You're barely waking/And I'm tangled up in you/I'm open, you're closed/Where I follow, you'll go/I worry I won't see your face/Light up again/Even the best fall down sometimes/Even the wrong words seem to rhyme/Out of the doubt that fills my mind/I somehow find/You and I collide..." Howie Day, "Collide"

Clem popped another Bugle into his mouth and watched the cave's entrance. He'd done exactly as Spike had asked—come alone, keep watch, and make sure no one followed him. Of course, Clem had no idea who would want to follow him, but he figured Spike had his reasons for giving those precise instructions.

He didn't mind doing Spike a favor. The vampire had done plenty for him, up to and including saving his hide from the loan shark. Clem wasn't quite sure what his friend saw in the Slayer, of all people, but he supposed you loved who you loved.

At least things seemed to be going better. Spike appeared to be happier these days.

Clem's ears perked up as he heard a scuffling sound from inside the cave, and he grew very still, waiting to see what was going to emerge.

Spike's dusty head poked out, looking around cautiously. "Clem? You there, mate?"

"Right here," he replied, in a rather loud whisper. "How did things go?"

Spike smiled. "Good. I owe you one for keeping a lookout."

Clem shrugged. "It's not a big deal. You'd do the same for me."

"Too right," Spike returned, emerging from the cavern completely. He was covered in dirt from head to toe, and his inner clock told him that it was just after midnight. Spike needed to get his loot somewhere safe. There was no reason to hang onto it for any longer than necessary. "You mind taking a trip to L.A. with me? There's a fence I know of who can handle this sort of thing, but I wouldn't mind the company."

Clem hesitated. There was a Love Boat marathon on TV that he really didn't want to miss, but he couldn't let Spike down either. "I'll buy you a TiVo box," Spike added, knowing exactly what to say to get Clem to agree.

The demon brightened. "Really?"

"Sure thing. Soon as we get back into town."

"Okay," Clem agreed, following Spike into the cavern and picking up one of the heavy bags. "Do you trust this guy?"

Spike snorted. "Not hardly, but the last time he tried to cheat me I had him tortured for a few days. That's not a lesson you soon forget."

"Before the chip?" Clem asked.

"Well, yeah, but this guy isn't exactly human, so I don't think we need to worry." Spike smirked. "Last I heard, he was still shaking in his boots every time someone mentioned my name."

~~~~~

"Hey, Tara," Buffy said. She had missed the deadline for spring registration, but the lady in admissions had been very understanding, and had suggested that Buffy apply for the following year. Even if Spike didn't come through with the money, Buffy would at least be able to get some financial aid. Since she was on campus, Buffy had decided to meet up with Tara and hopefully pump her for information about Spike's whereabouts, as well as ask her about Christmas Eve.

"Buffy." The other girl gave her a quick hug. "How are you?"

The Slayer shrugged. "I'm okay. Not great, but okay."

Actually, the truth was that she missed Spike. He'd been gone for three days now. She had faith that he would come back—he always did—but Buffy hadn't realized what an integral part of her world he'd become. It hadn't taken 24 hours before she'd started thinking about all the things she wanted to say to him when he got back. Or do to him.

When the heck had that happened?

"How are you?" Buffy asked.

Tara shifted uncomfortably. "I've seen Willow a few times. It hasn't really gone well."

Buffy frowned. "She hasn't—"

"No!" Tara quickly denied the thought of Willow doing something untoward. "It's just hard."

"I get that," Buffy replied. There was a shared pause, and then she said hesitantly, "Tara, do you know where Spike is?"

Tara frowned. "I thought he told you that he was leaving town for a few days."

"He did." Buffy gave a little self-conscious laugh. "I was just wondering if you know when he'll be back."

Tara shook her head. "No, I'm sorry. I'm sure he'll be back soon, though. I know Spike doesn't like to spend more time away from you and Dawn than he has to."

"I know." Buffy sighed. "It's just that, well, I miss him."

Tara gave her a sympathetic smile. "Is that so bad?"

"I guess not, but it's definitely not something I'd ever thought I'd be able to say." Buffy took a sip of her drink. "I did want to talk to you about coming over for Christmas Eve, though. It would be nice if you joined us. I know Dawn really wants you there."

Tara winced. "I don't know, Buffy. Maybe it would be better if I wasn't there."

"Willow's already told me that she's not going to be coming," Buffy replied. "If that's what's stopping you."

"Actually, that's pretty much what I was wondering," she admitted. "What about Xander and Anya?"

"Taking a trip." She stared down into her cup. She'd splurged on a mocha today. Spike had insisted on filling up her fridge before he left town, so she wasn't skimping to get groceries this week. And, she trusted him. If Spike said he was going to figure out a way to solve her money troubles, Buffy was willing to believe him.

There was still a part of her that wondered if she was doing the right thing by accepting Spike's help. It seemed like a huge step, like she was becoming too dependent upon him. You accepted this kind of help from a long-term boyfriend, or a husband, or at least someone you had a more permanent relationship with. Not from the guy you were sleeping with and were thinking that you might possibly be in like with.

Buffy knew she needed help, though, and there wasn't anyone else. Giles had left, her dad was still incommunicado, and none of her friends were in a position to be of real assistance. She'd thought about selling the house, but Buffy couldn't fathom not living there. It was the last place she had lived with her mother. It was home. Maybe it would be the smart thing to do, but she was just as glad to not have to worry about it.

"At Christmas?" Tara asked, when she realized that Buffy wasn't going to continue. She'd noticed that the Slayer seemed to drift off a lot lately. Instead of really engaging in a conversation, she seemed to fade in and out.

Buffy shrugged. "Apparently Anya wanted to get away, and Xander thought it was a good idea. That means it'll be just you and Spike and Dawn and me."

"That's quite a change from last year," Tara said softly.

Buffy blinked back tears. "Yeah, but it'll be nice." She didn't sound very certain of that, even to her own ears. "At least I don't have to worry about everyone getting along."

Tara reached over to squeeze Buffy's hand. "Do you want me to cook?"

"You don't have to," Buffy said quickly. "You're supposed to be a guest, and—"

"I don't mind," Tara said. "It's not like I'll be cooking for a crowd if it's just us. It's not that big of a deal."

Buffy smiled gratefully. "I would appreciate it, and I'm sure Dawn would, too. I'm not known for my cooking. Demon to slay? No problem. But dinner is beyond me."

"We all have different skills." Tara's eyes were gently teasing.

Buffy giggled. Not that it was much of one, but it was something. "We'll just have to have a division of labor. You cook, I'll slay."

"And we'll leave the clean up to Spike and Dawn." Tara's smile broadened into a grin.

They were both thinking the same thing: it was good to have a friend again.

~~~~~

"I really appreciate all your help, Clem," Spike said. Not that courtesy came naturally to him these days, but Clem had been a huge help. It had been good to get out of Sunnyhell, to remind himself that there was more to the world than the Hellmouth.

Even if Buffy and Dawn were the sum of his world.

"Hey, it wasn't a problem," Clem replied. The trip had been pretty easy on him. He'd just tagged along and helped Spike haul his loot to the demon who converted gold and jewels into ready cash. They'd had to wait a full day in L.A. while the demon worked up a reasonable estimate and got their payment together. Then Spike had gone to a lawyer to get the trusts worked out.

Then, there had been the stop to get Clem's TiVo. He couldn't wait to try it out.

Clem watched as Spike fiddled around with the wiring. He would have hooked the box up himself, but he couldn't make heads or tails of the directions. Of course, he didn't know that Spike was doing much better, but Clem appreciated the vampire's efforts. He really was an okay guy. "So are you going to see Buffy tonight?"

"I'm going to try," Spike grunted as he reached for the cable that had fallen behind the TV. "Dunno if she'll still be awake."

"So you guys are good?"

"Dunno." Spike plugged the last cable into its corresponding slot, trying not to think about the double entendre that popped into his head. He had really missed Buffy.

He couldn't help but wonder if she'd missed him.

"I get the impression that the Slayer doesn't know what she wants, but she's not runnin' from me anymore, and that's definitely an improvement." Spike sat back on his heels. "Check it out, mate. Let's see if it works."

Clem didn't turn on the box right away, instead fiddling with his new remote. "People are starting to talk, Spike."

"About what?" he asked in an even voice.

"About you and the Slayer." Clem's eyes were concerned. "Most aren't going to mess with you, but there are a few..." He left the rest unsaid, knowing that Spike would understand. The vampire still frequented the demon hangouts often enough to put himself in some danger. Angel had avoided putting himself in harm's way, but Spike wasn't quite so careful.

"Thanks for the heads up," Spike finally replied. "But I can take care of myself."

"Sure you can," Clem hastened to assure him. He knew how good Spike was in a fight. "I just wanted you to know."

"I'll keep an eye out." Spike stood. He was still stiff and sore from his trip through the caves and tunnels. He'd been lucky to make it out with his unlife. Even a vampire didn't quickly recover from getting nailed in the chest with a fifty-pound rock. At least, it had felt like a fifty-pound rock when it hit him. "I should go if I'm goin' to catch the Slayer."

"Thanks for the TiVo," Clem said.

Spike just shrugged. "Not a problem. Let me know if you have any trouble. Don't know that I'll be much help, but the Niblet knows her way around that sort of thing."

Clem watched the vampire leave and then turned back to the TV. He was still concerned. There had been a lot of really nasty comments made the last time he played poker.

He just hoped that Buffy was as interested in protecting Spike as Spike was in protecting her, because Clem had a feeling that the Slayer was the only person who was going to be able to keep him in one piece.

~~~~~

The doors were locked. Spike stood outside the front door uncertainly, wondering if he should just head back to his crypt. He stepped off the porch, walking backwards until he could see Buffy's window.

There was no sign of movement, and Spike leaned back against the tree with a sigh. He dug through his pockets for his cigarettes, lighting one up and taking a long drag. Spike wished that he were more certain of his welcome, that he knew Buffy hadn't changed her mind while he'd been gone.

A part of Spike wished he was strong enough to walk away. He knew that he was probably letting himself in for a world of pain. If Buffy let herself feel, though—Spike knew that there was something there.

There was no way he could walk away from her, of course. He wasn't built that way, for one thing, and for another Buffy needed him. That much he was certain of.

Spike tossed his cigarette butt on the ground under the tree, grinding it under his boot. He'd have to catch up with the Slayer another time, he supposed. He could give her the paperwork then, too.

He was just about to walk away when he heard a faint sound that he was very familiar with. Spike had loitered under Dawn's window all summer, waiting for that sound. Moving just as quickly as he had for Dawn, Spike scaled the tree, moving quickly down one limb to drop lightly onto the roof.

The window was closed, but not latched, and Spike slipped into the room easily enough. Buffy was tossing restlessly, whimpering as she slept. He was at her side in an instant, running his hands up and down her upper arms to comfort her, hoping that she wouldn't think he was an enemy and pull a stake out of some place.

As far as Spike knew, Buffy slept with a stake under her pillow every night.

"Luv?" he whispered, not wanting to wake Dawn.

Buffy whimpered again, and Spike tightened his grip, trying to bring her out of her nightmare. "Come on, Buffy. Wake up, Slayer."

She woke with a gasp, her eyes wide, staring at him without really focusing for a long moment.

"Buffy?"

"You're back."

Buffy's arms went around his neck in as spontaneous a reaction as Spike could have hoped for from her. Spike held her in return, smoothing down her hair in a comforting gesture. "Yeah, I'm back. Not goin' anywhere."

She didn't release him, nor did she say anything. "Want to tell me what that was all about?" he asked.

"The usual," she whispered. "It's always the same."

He just held her, allowing Buffy to hang on for dear life, much as she'd done when he'd kept her from burning alive during Sweet's visit. Spike was perversely grateful that she was clinging to him. Not that he wanted her weak; he didn't. Buffy's strength was what had drawn him in. But if she needed this now, then Spike was just happy she was taking it from him.

When she started to pull away, Spike released her, albeit reluctantly. "I should be going," he said, hoping she would ask him to stay.

"Yeah, I'm sure you've got better things to be doing."

"Can't think of any, but I thought you'd want to sleep."

"After that?" Buffy shook her head. "Not likely."

"Do you want me to stay?"

"Only if you want to."

"Luv, I always want to."

She hesitated. "I don't know, Spike. Dawn—"

"I can stay with you without shaggin' you silly," Spike interrupted. "It would be nice, but I think I'll survive."

Buffy lay back down, watching Spike with wary eyes as he settled in next to her. "Did you get your errands run?"

"Yeah. I'll tell you more about it after you've slept."

"And you'll stay?"

"Sure, kitten. Just close your eyes."

He watched as she closed her eyes, knowing that most of Buffy's easy acquiescence had to do with the fact that it was the middle of the night, and she was still disoriented from her dream.

Spike smiled slowly. She'd missed him, though. He was sure of it.

Chapter 8: Closer

"Come on closer/I wanna show you/What I'd like to do/You sit back now/Just relax now/I'll take care of you...Gonna take it slow babe/Do it my way/Keep your eyes on me/Your reaction/To my action/Is what I want to see/Rhythmic motion/Raw emotion/ Infiltrating through/Sweet sensations/Hot temptations/Coming over you/And now you're satisfied/A twinkle in your eye/Go to sleep for ten/And anticipating/I will be waiting/For you to wake again...Hour after hour/of sweet pleasure/After this I guarantee/you'll never want to leave..." ~Jem, "Come on Closer"

Buffy gently extricated herself from Spike's arms, smiling when he murmured sleepily. She closed the blinds and shut the curtains, hoping that it would block most of the sunlight. Slipping back into bed, she allowed him to pull her closer, one cool, strong arm wrapping securely around her waist.

She probably should have woken him, shooed him down to the basement or back to his crypt. Buffy should have sent him away last night, no matter how right it had felt to wake up to see his concern.

No matter how good it felt to wake up with him this morning.

She wasn't inclined to over-think it at the moment, however. This morning had been the first in weeks that she hadn't felt the weight of depression settle in on her again. It was always the waking that was the most difficult. That moment of transition between the dream world and reality hit her hard every day. When she realized that she had another day to face where nothing felt good or right, when she found it so hard to believe that she'd ever be happy again.

When, upon waking this morning, wrapped in Spike's arms, she felt some small sense of peace.

All Buffy wanted was a little peace.

"You should go back to sleep," he muttered into her hair. "'s early."

"Dawn's getting up soon," Buffy whispered in reply. "I have to make sure she gets off to school. She's already been late three times this year."

He grunted. "You gonna make me wait 'til after she's gone?"

"Wait for what?"

"You know what." Spike propped himself up so she could get the full effect of his leer.

Buffy rolled her eyes, ignoring the heat that had suddenly blossomed in her midsection. It wasn't fair that Spike had to be so damn sexy after he'd been sleeping. She always woke up looking like a hag. "Do you ever think about anything else?"

"After spending the night without copping a feel, can you blame me?" he shot back, the twinkle in his eyes telling Buffy that he knew exactly what he was doing to her. Spike's hand splayed over her abdomen, playing with the top of her pajama bottoms. "Tell me you're not in the mood."

"I'm not in the mood." Her gasp when his hand dropped lower still belied that answer. "Spike—"

"Tell me you don't want this," Spike said, his eyes challenging.

Buffy swallowed hard. It was so hard to think when he was doing that. It was harder still to remember that she had responsibilities. She had a younger sister to rouse, and errands to run, and things to take care of. Things that responsible adults didn't get out of just because there was an insatiable vampire hanging around.

"I can't," she whispered. "I have to get Dawn off to school."

Spike glanced at the clock. "You've got time."

"Fifteen minutes!" she hissed. "It's not enough."

Spike's eyes narrowed. "Wanna bet?"

Buffy had a feeling that she'd lose that bet. She'd already discovered that Spike was very, very good at what he did. She touched his cheek. "Not for what I want."

"What do you want?" Spike asked.

Buffy didn't have a name for what she wanted. She didn't dare call it making love, because that didn't seem quite right. She couldn't call it having sex, because that sounded too clinical. And she didn't want the quick and dirty sex that qualified for another term altogether, at least not this morning.

Instead of responding verbally, Buffy pulled his head down, deepening the kiss, keeping it long and slow and oh, so sweet. It was the kind of kiss that could go on all day because you didn't need anything else.

At least until the heat made you both spontaneously combust.

When she finally broke it off to breathe, she heard Spike chuckle. "I can do that, luv."

Buffy wasn't looking at him, which meant she didn't have to meet his eyes, which meant she could speak the truth in the dim light. "I missed you."

He held her just a little tighter. "Same here."

~~~~~

Spike stayed in Buffy's room, listening to the sounds of her chivvying Dawn out of bed and into some semblance of readiness for the day. He could hear the sounds of cereal being poured, coffee being brewed. Eventually, there was the sound of Xander's car pulling into the driveway and the front door slamming.

There was a part of him that had wanted to go downstairs and just let whatever fallout was going to come, come. Buffy hadn't asked him to stay behind, but she hadn't asked him to come downstairs either.

It had been simpler to stay in her bed and wait for her to come back up.

Well, wait to see if she would. Spike still didn't know if she'd rabbit off on him or not.

Buffy entered the room a few moments after he heard the car pulling out of the driveway. "Hey."

"So you just goin' to stand there, or are you going to come join me?" Spike asked.

She hesitated, although it was mostly because it seemed so decadent to go back to bed when the rest of the world was up and being productive. Her sister and friends were all at school or at work, and what was she doing?

Planning on having sex. Or something along those lines.

Spike watched her. He could see the wheels turning in her head, and he sighed. "We don't have to do anything, Buffy."

"Is this wrong?"

"You an' me?"

"Us being here in the middle of the day," Buffy clarified. "I feel like I should be doing something. I don't have any idea what I'm doing with my life or my time."

"You're thinkin' too much again," he accused her. "Don't."

Buffy pouted. "Then what do you want me to do?"

"Don't think." Spike rose. He had taken off his shoes, but he'd yet to get undressed further. "Just feel."

"I have things to do," Buffy protested, but it was weak, and she knew it.

Spike nibbled on her neck, right above her jugular. "Do them later."

"I can't be doing this all the time."

"We haven't seen each other in three days."

For some reason, those were the magic words, because Buffy suddenly had a justification. She hadn't seen Spike for three days. It was natural for two—whatever—who had been apart to want to jump each other's bones. It was right.

Their clothes were gone so quickly, Buffy wasn't even quite sure how it happened. Once it was skin on skin, though, everything slowed to a crawl. She'd wanted to take it slow; Buffy had wanted all the time in the world to lose herself.

There was no time, in the end. No thoughts except for the sense of skin and heat. It was just them and the moment and the rhythm of their moving together.

And when Buffy finally surrendered, she felt complete.

~~~~~

"I really need to shower."

Spike stroked her back. "Go on then."

"I don't want to move. Do I have to move?"

Buffy was cute when she pouted. Spike nibbled her lip. "Not if you don't want to."

"But I have to." Her eyes begged him to understand. That was the hardest part of waking up every day—the constant pressure to do, to be, to act. All things she hadn't needed to worry about when she was dead. Maybe that was a cliché, but it was true. As nice as being with Spike was—and it was nice—Spike really didn't have to worry about the same kinds of things.

And Buffy needed him to. At least, she needed him to understand that while his world might revolve around her, her world couldn't revolve around him. It just wasn't possible.

Even if she wished it could. Even if it was hard.

"We all have to do things we don't want to do."

"Like what?"

"Like not meetin' the sun after the woman you love dies because you made her a promise."

Buffy roused herself enough to meet Spike's eyes, and the pain she saw hit her hard. "Spike—"

"Look, I know you don't feel the same way, alright?" he said impatiently. "But you can't expect me not to say anything, not to act like—"

She interrupted him. "I know how you feel."

The silence stretched out between them like a rubber band pulled too tight, and they both knew that it could go either way. "Do you really?"

"I do." Buffy struggled for the words. She wasn't sure what to say, or how to say it. It was odd, but it was easy to be honest with Spike. Maybe at first the reason was that he didn't matter—or that he was outside her immediate circle. Now, it was different. She could be honest because he accepted that from her in a way that no one else did. Because she'd already taken the first step, and it was easier now.

"I know that you love me." Buffy took a deep breath. "I don't know what to do with that."

Spike softened slightly. "What you're doin' is fine, Buffy."

"I want to give you more," she whispered. "I want to tell you that if you stick this out long enough, I might be able to give you what you want, but most days—most days it's hard for me to believe that it's worth the effort of getting out of bed."

"'s okay, luv," he said. "Long as you don't tell me I don't feel what I do, I think we'll be okay."

Buffy sighed. "I really do need to shower."

"Go on then." This time, Spike put his words into action, gently nudging Buffy out of bed, surprised when she caught at his hand. "What?"

"Come on," Buffy insisted. "We've been trying to cut down on the water bill."

Spike decided not to mention that Buffy wouldn't have to worry about money again for a while. It never hurt to pinch a penny. Not in this case, anyway. "Far be it from me to disappoint a lady."

~~~~~

Dawn decided that it was a lot like walking into an episode of The Twilight Zone. Not that she minded coming into the kitchen after school to find her sister and Spike arguing amiably over which was better—crunchy or creamy peanut butter. Spike, apparently, wanted crunchy. Buffy didn't have anything but creamy.

It was just strange, Dawn decided. Like going out to dinner the other night, when the three of them had actually felt like a family. Seeing them in the kitchen like this now, it was almost like walking in on her parents when they were together and happy. Dawn got the same warm, comfortable feeling in the pit of her stomach.

She hadn't had that feeling since before her mom died.

"Hey, guys," Dawn finally said from the doorway. Dawn didn't see Spike watching Buffy intently to see her reaction to her younger sister finding him in their kitchen, and probably coming to the obvious conclusion.

Buffy smiled. "Hey, Dawn. How was school?"

"Good." She hesitated. "So how long have you been back, Spike?"

"Got in last night," he replied. "Been behaving yourself?"

Dawn rolled her eyes. "Not that it's any of your business, but, yes." She was busy trying to do the math. "So when did you come over?"

"Spike spent the night."

Both of them turned to look at Buffy with equal surprise—Spike because she'd actually admitted to it, and Dawn because Buffy had allowed him to stay. "Spike stayed?"

"Is that okay?" Buffy asked. "If you're uncomfortable with it—"

"No!" Dawn said quickly. "No, I mean, it's great." She beamed at them. "Wait, so you guys are dating? How long has it been going on? Are you going to tell anybody? Does this mean Spike's going to be living here?"

"Slow down, Dawn," Buffy cautioned. "We haven't really talked about any of that."

"But you guys are dating?" she pressed, looking from one to the other.

Buffy hesitated, looking over at Spike. He shrugged, as if to say that she could say what she liked, and she rolled her eyes. "Yes, we're dating."

"That is, like, so cool!" Dawn said. She frowned. "You haven't told anybody else, have you?"

"Tara knows," Spike said.

Buffy grimaced. "And I think we should probably keep it to just the four of us for now. Who knows what Willow and Xander would say?"

"I think I could guess," Spike mumbled.

Dawn nodded. "They'll be stupid about it. I think it's better if they don't know either." Actually, Dawn was thrilled to know something that the other Scoobies didn't know. She could even forgive her sister for telling Tara about her and Spike first.

"You're okay with Spike sleeping over, then?"

"As long as I don't have to hear you guys having sex," Dawn clarified. "I mean, eww. Unless you guys aren't having sex yet. Maybe you're not at that stage, and—"

"Quit while you're ahead, Niblet," Spike said with an amused smile. "We'll try not to scar you for life. How's that?"

Dawn grinned at him. "Good." She glanced between the two of them. "I'm just, uh, going upstairs now to do my homework."

"We're staying in for dinner tonight," Buffy called after her. "Spike swears he can cook."

"He can!" Dawn called back.

Buffy turned back towards the vampire. "Okay, what just happened? Because I swear that my sister just went upstairs to do her homework without being asked. Are you sure she's not possessed, or some strange demon or something?"

"She's happy," Spike said softly, a smile playing around the corners of his lips.

Buffy looked puzzled, then her face cleared. "Because of us?"

He shrugged. "You didn't have to tell her, you know. Could have just said I showed up uninvited earlier today."

"Why?" she asked. "There's no point. If you stay the night again, she'd find out then. Or we'd be forced to keep sneaking around. I told you that I couldn't keep sneaking out."

"And I said you didn't have to sneak," Spike reminded her. "You didn't have to tell her we were dating."

Buffy raised an eyebrow. "Do you not want to date?"

"Didn't think that's what we were doin'."

"What would you call it then?"

"I don't know," he shot back. "Thought you were the one callin' the shots."

"What is up with you?" Buffy demanded. "You're so touchy all the time!"

Spike glared at her. "I'm touchy? What about you?"

"What about me?"

They were nose to nose now, and it was definitely a fight, but so far no blows had been exchanged, either verbal or physical. They were just words, and both of them started to snicker at the same time, realizing exactly how ridiculous they sounded.

"Sorry," Spike muttered, smiling sheepishly. "Was a long few days."

"Are you hungry?" she asked. "I didn't even ask if you wanted anything. I did get you some blood."

He nodded. "Yeah, sure. I'm a bit peckish."

"That would explain the short temper," Buffy replied, but the teasing note in her voice prevented Spike from taking offense.

Spike snorted. "Is that why you've been short tempered?"

Buffy started to make a sharp retort, and then stopped herself. "I haven't been that bad, have I?"

"Not the last little while," he admitted. "But before, yeah."

Buffy poured Spike's blood into a mug and stuck it in the microwave, keeping her back to him. It was easier to be honest if she didn't have to look at him, she'd found. She could pretend she was talking to herself. Because Buffy and honesty were mostly unmixy things.

"I got scared. With the kiss, you know."

"Could have fooled me," he murmured, causing Buffy to turn and glare at him. Spike chuckled. "I figured that, luv."

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Yeah, well, you weren't helping out much."

"No, I wasn't."

His admission startled her, and it made it easier for Buffy to go forward. "I just didn't know what to do with it. Or us, I guess."

"You got a better idea now?"

"No." Buffy pulled the warmed blood out of the microwave, setting it in front of him without even making a face. Spike noticed it; he wondered if she realized what that said about the change in their relationship. He decided it might be better not to comment on it. "I just know that I like being with you."

"And on that note..." Spike reached into the back pocket of his jeans and pulled out a much-folded sheet of paper.

Buffy took it, smoothing it out on the counter. She stared at the numbers, but none of them made sense to her. "I don't understand."

"Sorry," Spike said, pointing out the pertinent line. "The real paperwork is in a safe place. That's just my notes."

"Your notes?" she asked, squinting as she tried to make out his handwriting. "I don't—" She stopped. "You've got to be kidding me."

"I'm not. It's real, Buffy."

"Spike, you—"

"I didn't rob a bank," he said, a little hurt that she'd question him after he'd already told her the money wasn't going to be stolen.

She shook her head. "I know you didn't, but this is—a lot."

"It's the treasure that came with the Gem of Amara," Spike replied. "It's not all of it, but I went back for as much as I could haul out in one trip."

"They said the tunnels collapsed!" Buffy objected. "It was all over the news back then."

He waved it off. "I got through. Doesn't matter anyway. I took it up to L.A., to someone I knew who could fix it up. Won't matter what the social workers dig up. To anyone looking, it'll appear that some old aunt died and left you her trust. Dawn's is set up for college, but yours will pay out a monthly income. Won't be a lot, but it should be enough to get you by."

"What about you?" Buffy demanded. "I can't take all of this, Spike."

Spike shook his head. "I'm set up, luv. I've got enough, and if I have to, I can go back. Didn't clean the place out by a long shot."

Buffy touched the crumpled paper as though it was made of something precious, and maybe it was. It was a tangible reminder of the lengths Spike was willing to go for her.

Like she'd needed another reminder.

"I wish I could say that I can't accept this," Buffy said quietly.

"Buffy—" The hurt was evident in his tone.

She stopped him with a hand on his. "This is big, Spike. This is more than I would take from anyone, but..."

"You need it."

Buffy didn't reply. She couldn't say that what she really needed was him, but she was thinking it.

"It's just a way to make up for it," Spike said quietly, sincerely.

"A way to make up for what?"

"Not doin' my job."

It took Buffy a moment to figure out what he was referring to. "Spike, that wasn't your fault."

"I told you before. I should have—"

"No." The single word silenced him. "It's okay. It's going to be okay."

The funny thing was, when Buffy said those words to Spike, she meant every single one.

~~~~~

Willow had mostly been focusing on taking her finals for the last couple of weeks. She hadn't had the time to think about what she should do for Buffy. Although she probably could have managed to come out with A's the same way she'd managed to get her dorm room, there seemed to be something vaguely wrong with that.

After all, the living quarters had been an immediate need. The grades she could handle on her own.

She had lied to Buffy about making other plans for the holidays. There had been a retreat for the on-campus Wicca group, but they were all still a bunch of wanna-blessed-bes. After the things Willow had seen and done, she had even less of a taste for their company. Xander and Anya were out of town, and Willow still didn't have any interest in talking to Buffy.

The more she thought about their fight, the colder Willow's anger got. She just didn't understand how Buffy could blame her. She'd thought she was doing the right thing. Willow certainly hadn't meant to hurt her, or Dawn. Couldn't they see that she was just trying her best?

And the more Willow thought about it, the more certain she was that all of it had something to do with Spike. Buffy had been hanging out with him more. She had been spending more time alone or out on patrol, and less time with her friends. Spike had probably been telling her how horrible they all were.

Not that Willow could prove it, of course. She knew that it was probably better to wait until she could expose Spike for the troublemaker he was. But she could be prepared.

Willow planned on spending her winter break wisely.

Chapter 9: Upheaval

"Would your love in all its finery/tear at the darkness all around me/until I can feel again/ until I can breathe again/'Cause I'm a train wreck waiting to happen/waiting for someone to come pick me up off the tracks/a wild fire born of frustration/born of the one love that gets me so high/I've no fear at all...To fall so deep into you/lose myself completely/in your sweet embrace/all my pain's erased/From your mouth it's all that I wish/the mercy of your lips just one kiss/until I can breathe again/so that I can sing again." ~Sarah McLachlin, "Train Wreck"

As disappointed as Buffy had been about her friends' decision to spend the holidays elsewhere, it turned out to be the best thing that could have happened. Not only did she not have to worry about everyone getting along, but also it was such a different group of people that Joyce's absence did not loom as large as it might have.

Buffy missed her mom, and there was definitely a hole there, but Joyce wasn't the only one missing from the festivities. This was the first Christmas Spike had spent with them, and only the second Christmas Tara had been there. It was just different all the way around. She thought that might have been better than trying to pretend that nothing had changed.

Instead, everything had changed, and maybe that was okay.

With Spike and Tara cooking, and her and Dawn as onlookers and occasional participants, it was all strangely new. Spike was more refined with Tara than he was with anyone else, and Tara was bolder with Spike. Dawn was equally cheeky with both of them, and Buffy just let the scene and the sounds wash over her. The three of them seemed to drop into a rhythm, and she wondered if she wasn't getting a peek into what things had been like while she was gone.

It was so simple just to take it all in, let the smells and sounds wash over her. No one was asking her to participate or to talk. Everybody seemed to take for granted that Buffy wasn't going to be playing the happy hostess.

Dinner probably turned out a lot better under Tara's capable hands than it would have if Buffy had been in charge. They all ate, then they all helped with the clean up, and she allowed the peace of the moment to settle into her soul. It was the first time since she'd been back, other than the times she'd lost herself in Spike's embrace, that Buffy had felt good about being alive.

After dinner, they drank eggnog and talked, Dawn allowing Tara to play with her long hair, Buffy leaning against Spike in contentment. Everyone there knew about them. There was no reason to hide.

It was late when Tara left, and Dawn finally went to bed soon after. Spike had insisted on taking Tara home, but the Slayer had asked him to come back. He sat next to her on the couch, where she'd remained. "You okay, luv?" he asked softly. "You were quiet this evening."

"I'm okay." Buffy leaned back against him. "It's just different."

"I can imagine."

She was silent then, letting him run his fingers through her hair—longer now than Buffy had let it get in a long time. It was so easy just to sit on the couch, watching the crackling fire. Joyce had always had a fire on Christmas Eve, even if it meant cranking up the air conditioning. Buffy had wanted to continue the tradition.

Spike just stroked her hair, content to be with her. He was a little awed that he had been allowed to be here. She had invited him. More than that, Buffy had really wanted him there. He listened as her breathing evened out, and when he was certain she was asleep, Spike picked her up and carried her up the stairs.

And then he kept watch over her until sunrise, in an attempt to keep her nightmares at bay.

~~~~~

Xander wasn't sure what he'd expected from their vacation. Maybe to get a little closer to his fiancée, maybe work out the wedding plans. He had definitely expected some rest and relaxation away from the Hellmouth.

What he'd gotten was five days of hassles. Their plane was late, and the reservations for the hotel hadn't been booked so they were forced to find a room at the Budget Inn, instead of the three star hotel with a pool they'd wanted. Anya complained that the room smelled like smoke the entire time they stayed. Xander had bad seafood the second night, which resulted in him puking his guts up for the next two days.

Anya had tried to be attentive, but she had gotten tired of spending their vacation inside a stinky motel room, and so she'd finally left to go sightsee on her own the third day. Xander had been feeling better, but he hadn't been up to playing the tourist. He had been upset that she hadn't stayed with him and angry that everything had gone so horribly wrong.

Of course, Anya had been just as disappointed about their ruined trip. The first and last days were the only ones they'd been able to have fun, and Xander was not a good patient. She probably would have tried to nurse him the whole time, even after he'd been able to make it to the bathroom on his own, but he had continually complained about how horrible he felt, and why did they have to eat seafood anyway, and why had Anya picked that restaurant.

Oh, and then he'd started talking about how they should have stayed in Sunnydale because it was Buffy's first Christmas without her mom, and she was still depressed about being back from the dead. Anya wanted to know when the heck she was going to come first.

All in all, their little vacation hadn't done much for their relationship. What it had done was to make them seriously reconsider getting married. They had both been having doubts; the singing and dancing had brought that out, but they hadn't discussed it. Once Sweet was gone, and the musical was over, it was full-speed ahead with the wedding plans.

Xander was beginning to think that it might have been a mistake.

He still wanted to marry her, of course, but Xander was thinking that maybe he'd rushed into things. Popping the question had seemed like a good idea when he thought that Glory would wind up killing them all, but the reality was looming scarily on the horizon.

And Anya had not yet quite forgiven Xander for keeping their engagement secret all summer. It was like he wasn't proud of the fact that they were getting married in the first place. Like maybe he wasn't very proud of—her.

With those thoughts running through their heads, it was no surprise that silence had reigned from the moment they'd gotten on the plane in San Francisco to the moment Xander pulled into their space at the apartment complex.

They sat there for a moment, both debating on whether or not to say anything, to apologize for harsh words spoken in the heat of the moment, for being less considerate of the other's needs than they might have been.

"I'll carry the bags up," Xander said.

"Thank you." Anya got out of the car.

It felt like a cold front was moving in.

~~~~~

Buffy sipped at her coffee in thoughtful silence, knowing that Dawn would most likely sleep for hours yet. She had left Spike still sleeping at his crypt last night, where they had ended their patrol in the usual way.

Things between them were changing, turning. Sometimes things between them were desperate, hungry, fierce. Other nights it was something else altogether. Those were the nights that Buffy was hesitant to put a label on, tinged as they were with the tenderness that had sprung up between them in those last days before her death and just after her resurrection. If she didn't know any better, she'd say that they were making love, but they weren't.

Spike might be, but she wasn't in love with him. Not really.

Not yet.

Those two words just seemed to explode inside her head, laden with possibilities. They carried with them the understanding that she could love Spike, and somehow that didn't scare her nearly as much as it probably should have.

She'd seen in him the capacity for change, and Buffy was going to hang onto that for all she was worth. Oddly enough, it was that change that made her feel most secure. Spike was changing because he loved her. How crazy was that?

"Buffy?" Xander's voice carried through to the kitchen, and she called him back. "How was your holiday?" he asked once he could see her.

She smiled. "It was good. How was San Francisco?"

Xander hesitated. He wasn't sure that Buffy was the person he ought to be telling about his problems. After all, she had enough of her own. Still, she seemed to be in a good enough mood, and Willow wasn't answering her phone. He didn't have anyone else to talk to. "Pretty much a bust."

Buffy frowned, concerned. "That bad, huh? Do you want some coffee?"

"Yeah, I'll get it." Xander grabbed a mug from the cupboard and filled it up. "Well, aside from the fact that anything that could go wrong did, I ended up with a case of food poisoning."

She gave a sympathetic wince. "You did get a chance to see the city, though?"

"For all of two days," he sighed. "Anya wasn't much help, either."

Buffy frowned, remembering Anya's rather blunt solicitousness when Xander had caught all those diseases from the Native American spirits. Maybe her bedside manner needed a little work, but she hadn't left his side. "What did she do?"

"Nothing," Xander quickly said, realizing how uncharitable he was being. "She was great. She stayed with me the first couple days, but then she went out. It's probably a good thing that one of us enjoyed the trip."

"I'm sorry, Xan," Buffy said, at a loss for what to say. She wanted to give him all her sympathy, to pat him on the back and tell him how horrible it was, and how wrong Anya had been to leave him at all. On the other hand, she was pretty sure she'd have done exactly the same thing. "That's too bad."

Seeing that Buffy wasn't planning on giving out more sympathy, Xander shrugged. "It's fine. We'll get over it. What did you guys do?"

"Not much," Buffy said. "Spike and Tara cooked, and we ate. That was pretty much the extent of things."

Xander's eyebrows went up. "Spike? You asked Spike to spend Christmas with you guys?"

"Dawn wanted him," was Buffy's even reply. "Besides, there weren't a lot of other people I could invite."

"But it's Spike," Xander repeated. "Vampires don't celebrate Christmas."

Buffy hid her annoyance behind her coffee mug, resisting the urge to roll her eyes. Really, this was getting a little old. She knew that they'd all worked with Spike over the summer. What was their problem with him now? "You could have fooled me. Spike even had gifts for us."

"Like what? He probably stole it."

"He got me a trust fund."

"What?" Xander stared at her. "Come again?"

"Spike got me a trust fund." Buffy smiled serenely. "I'm pretty much thinking it's the best gift ever."

Xander blinked. "Did he rob a bank?"

"No, he went and dug up some buried treasure."

"You can't take that from him," Xander insisted. "You know he's going to want—things from you. That kind of money—"

"I needed money, Xander," Buffy said quietly. "Badly. I haven't said much about it, but we were barely scraping by."

"You could get a job," Xander said. "The rest of us have."

"The rest of you aren't the Slayer," Buffy retorted, her voice rising. She was starting to get just a little pissed off, and it felt good. "The 'rest of you' don't patrol every night, or have to worry about apocalypses, or making sure your little sister stays out of trouble so social services doesn't come in and take her away. And the rest of you sure as hell weren't dead and happy about being there."

She hadn't meant to say all that. Buffy really hadn't meant to let all that out, but Xander's thoughtless words had hit the right button. He was always doing that—always seeing her as some sort of superhero and then holding her up to an impossible standard. She shouldn't have been with Angel, she shouldn't have freaked and run away when she'd killed him, she should have been able to hang onto Riley.

Well, maybe that had been true of the Buffy they'd buried, but it wasn't true about her.

They stared at each other, two old friends suddenly separated by a seemingly unbridgeable gap. Xander swallowed hard, not liking this sudden turn, and yet knowing that it was partially his fault. He'd been one of the people to bring her back. "Buffy—"

"I'm sorry, Xander," Buffy said softly. "That wasn't fair."

"But it's how you feel."

There was a long pause. "Yeah, it pretty much is."

Xander looked down at the countertop for a long time. "Spike's just using this, Buffy. He thinks he's in love with you, and—"

"He is in love with me."

His head came up, and his eyes widened in disbelief. "He hasn't actually convinced you of that!"

"He didn't need to, Xander. Spike's actions speak for him." Buffy shook her head. "Believe what you want. I know better."

Xander's face twisted in disgust. "What are you going to do when he's not satisfied with the crumbs you're giving him?" he demanded.

Buffy just smiled. "Who said all he was getting were crumbs?"

~~~~~

Dawn woke up to the sounds of shouting. At first, she thought maybe it was Buffy and Spike because she could hear her sister and then a male voice. It didn't take her too long to recognize Xander's strident tones or to pick Spike's name out of the mess. Apparently Buffy had decided to spill the beans early.

She hauled herself out of bed, intent on getting downstairs and doing whatever she had to do to make Xander see reason.

Okay, so she probably wouldn't be able to do anything, but she could offer Buffy her support.

By the time she got downstairs, however, the shouting match was over, and Xander was on his way out the door. He didn't even stop to say hello, and Dawn immediately went to check on Buffy. "What happened?"

"I might have let it slip that I was sleeping with Spike," Buffy admitted.

Dawn winced. "I guess he didn't take it well."

Buffy rolled her eyes. "'Spike is evil, he's giving you money to get in your pants, you need to do the right thing this time.' I told him that I'd been doing the right thing, and if I had to kill another boyfriend I would, but until then it was none of his business."

"Wow, Buffy," Dawn said, watching her sister with a mixture of admiration and concern. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Because I didn't cave?" Buffy demanded. She wasn't angry with Dawn; she was just still on edge from the fight. "I like being with Spike. Spike likes being with me. What's so difficult about that?"

"He's a vampire?" Dawn hedged.

Buffy scowled. "So what? I'm a Slayer, and you don't see them giving Spike an intervention. Or, you know, his demon friends doing that. They aren't telling him what a bad vampire he is for sleeping with the Slayer. Why should I get different treatment?"

"But Spike's always getting told that," Dawn replied. "Clem said—" She stopped right there. Buffy didn't know about that night, and it was probably better that she never find out.

It was too late. "What did Clem say?" Buffy asked. "And who's Clem?"

Dawn shifted uncomfortably, finally deciding that she wasn't going to get off the hook this time. "Clem's one of Spike's demon friends. He's really nice," she added quickly. "He came over once when Spike was—staying with me this summer. He said that there were some rumors going around that Spike had gotten soft because everyone knew he was hanging around Sunnydale for the Slayer. Clem said that if anyone found out that Spike was helping you baby-sit me, he'd be in deep trouble."

"When was this?" Buffy asked.

Dawn tried to remember. "Towards the end, right before school started. I didn't tell anybody, because they weren't supposed to know that Clem came over."

Buffy closed her eyes. The tranquil mood from earlier had been broken completely. Even if the demon population of Sunnydale hadn't known that she was dead, they were apparently cognizant of Spike's changed allegiances. It was the first time that Buffy realized what Spike might be giving up, and what kind of danger he could potentially find himself in.

"Did Spike seem worried?"

"No. He said that it wasn't a big deal, and it was just talk." Dawn gave her sister a hopeful look. "You're not going to break up with Spike, are you?"

Buffy shook her head. "No, but I think I'm going to have to find a way to make things up with Xander. I just don't know what to say. Everything I said was true, but it didn't come out very nicely."

"Xander wasn't being very nice either," Dawn said philosophically. "I could hear him from my bedroom."

~~~~~

"This one looks nice."

"How far is it from the Slayer's place?"

"Maybe a ten minute walk," Tara guessed.

Spike frowned. "Dawn's school?"

"About the same," Tara replied. "It's closer to her school than your crypt is." She gave him a look tinged with affectionate exasperation. "Are you really that attached to your place?"

They were at Tara's place, going over newspaper ads for apartments. Deciding to find other living arrangements was not a decision Spike had come to lightly. It was a combination of factors, really. Buffy's statement that she didn't want Dawn hanging around cemeteries all the time, her own distaste for the crypt—cozy as it might be, Tara's admonishment that he was going to have to play his cards right.

To a certain extent, it galled him. Spike hadn't paid for a place to live in—well, he'd never really paid. As a man, his home had been inherited from his father. As a vampire, he'd taken what he needed when he needed it. For him to change now seemed almost ridiculous.

But Buffy was coming around. She'd invited him into her home, into her bed. She was beginning to tell her friends about their relationship. She was treating him like a man, even if it was more like a problematic boyfriend, rather than a welcomed lover.

Spike had started thinking that if she was unbending that much, perhaps a gesture on his part was warranted. If he moved out of the crypt, got his own place, it might be enough to show Buffy that they could work.

So because she'd given a bit, he would give a bit. In time, maybe, they'd manage to make a cozy little place for themselves somewhere in the middle.

Spike wanted it to be a surprise, though, and so he'd gone to Tara for help. There hadn't been many offerings this time of the year, but she'd insisted that something would turn up. It looked like something had.

"Basement?"

Tara nodded. "It looks like they're offering discounted rent, too."

Spike cocked his head to the side, thinking about it for a moment. "Guess we'd better check it out then."

"You want me to go with you?" Tara asked in surprise.

Spike raised his eyebrows. "Unless you'd rather not. I don't bloody well know how to talk to these people, ducks. It's not like I've had to do this before."

"I don't mind," Tara was quick to assure him. Amazingly enough, Spike wasn't too hard to get along with. Around the Scoobies, he was prickly and sarcastic, and it was easy to see why they disliked him so much. Around her, or Buffy and Dawn, he was actually a pretty nice guy, if you discounted the fact that he was a vampire.

"Good." Spike sighed. "And then I need to program my sodding mobile."

Tara managed to hide her surprise, making her question sound like she was merely expressing mild interest. "You got a phone?"

"Had to, didn't I?" Spike asked. "Last time Dawn invited herself over to my crypt, she nearly gave Buffy a heart attack since we had to wait 'til after dark for me to walk her home. Buffy said I had to get a phone so I could let her know where Dawn was. Or in case she needed me."

Tara smiled. "It's good of you to be there for both of them, Spike."

Spike shrugged, his mouth twisting into a sardonic smile. "What's one more leash when they've already got me tamed?"

"Not tamed," Tara responded thoughtfully. "I don't think you'll ever be tamed."

Spike's eyes warmed. "You're alright, Glinda."

She just grinned. "You're not too bad yourself."

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