Life or Something Like It

By Christina

(I'm not supposed to be scared of anything,)

(But I don't know where I am)

(I wish that I could move but I'm exhausted)

(And nobody understands) (how I feel).

I feel nothing. I am nothing. This body, this place, I can't feel it. I'm sitting in the alleyway behind the Magic Box and contemplating the whys and hows of my existence. Spike is here, but I feel like I'm not. The sun is shining, there is a slight breeze but I don't feel the rays warming my body or the wind lifting the strands of my hair. I am numb, so numb. My vision is still cloudy, my hair still smells like the grave, and Spike is here. I can't look at him though. I know that he is concerned for me, I hear it in his voice when he asks if there is anything he can do for me. In his odd soulless vampire way he is the only one who seems to be concerned about me. I'm here. I'm good.

My friends....well they are easily fooled. I played that card well, pulling the wool over their eyes, making them believe that what they did was right, that it was ok. I glance at the vampire beside me, who I can see from the corner of my eye leaning against the building behind us in that sullen way of his. He looks uncomfortable, yet he stays beside me. Why is he the only one? He doesn't act like I'm fragile, like I'll crack in two if he says something wrong. I like this silence we are sharing, I like it that he is giving me space. I need space, lots and lots of space. I need to breathe, breathing is good, but strange in a way. Why am I still breathing? Why am I here? This thing almost like trust that I'm feeling with Spike is strange and new. Suddenly I think he is the only one who will understand what I've been through, this thing I am holding inside of me... that I'm keeping from my friends and sister. I think I can tell him my secret. I think I need to, if I don't I know that I will suffocate with it forever and it's so hard to hold inside. It hurts to keep it buried. I better hurry and say something quick, or I will lose my nerve.

(I try to hold this under control,)

(They can't help me, cause no one knows.)

I turn to Spike and stare at him as his brow furrows, his head tilts, his blue eyes narrow. I have to tell someone... anyone. But never the people closest to me who don't have any idea of the thing they have done. I tell myself that it is because Spike understands, that he's been there too. I tell myself it will be alright to say the words out loud and finally release some of this pain. So here goes....

"I was happy. Wherever I ... was ... I was happy. At peace. I knew that everyone I cared about was all right. I knew it. Time didn't mean anything, nothing had form... but I was still me, you know? And I was warm and I was loved... and I was finished. Complete. I don't understand about dimensions or theology or any of ... but I think I was in heaven. And now I'm not. I was torn out of there...by my friends. Everything here is bright and hard and violent...Everything I feel, everything I touch...this is Hell. Just getting through the next moment, and the one after that...knowing what I've lost ..."

The words are spilling out of me and I can't stop them. Spike only listens and for once does not interject with his opinions or grand gestures of love for me, of which I am thankful for. He is listening, only listening and that is what I need now. A vampire that listens to someone pour out their heart and soul....my life keeps getting stranger and stranger it seems. But he is no ordinary vampire, I guess. Does that count? Is there a such thing as an *ordinary* vampire? Spike must be one of the rarities. He has no soul, but he is suddenly capable of being compassionate and sensitive. For some reason I am not bothered by his lack of soul. I am only glad he was here...that he was just listening.

(I've got something to say)

(But now I've got nowhere to turn)

(It feels like I've been buried)

(Underneath all the weight of the world.)

There is only silence now as what I have said floats around the atmosphere between Spike and I. The silence is not comfortable anymore and a new realization dawns on me. I have said too much, to the wrong person. Questions and confusion flood my mind. What was I thinking? I don't dare to cast a glance in Spike's direction, I can't stand the look that must be on his face, the horror, the shock, the bewilderment. I stand and walk to to the entrance of the alley, where the sun and shadows meet, where Spike can't follow me. I stand their a moment, assessing the damage of what I have said, the consequences... and I can feel Spike's gaze on me. His stare is intense and frightening and I find myself close to buckling from this pressure. I know that it is important that he keeps my secret, he has to. I don't know what I'd do if my friends found out, and I hate that I have to count on Spike now.

"They can never know...." I pause a moment, letting it sink in, so that he understands fully. "Never."

Spike still says nothing and my fear builds. I find that I'm at a loss, and that I have put Spike in an interesting position. I don't care anymore. The hell with 'me slayer... you vampire... let's fight.' The hell with everything. Someone had to know. It just happened to be him. Rarely in life is anything fair or tied up neat in a pretty little bow. Life is ugly and cruel, harsh and bright. Hell. Spike knows this full well, and I am oddly reassured by this.

(But I'm going through changes, changes.)

(God I feel so frustrated, lately.)

(And I get suffocated, I hate this.)

(But I'm going through changes, changes.)

I don't know if I will ever be the same, or if this numbness shrouding my entire body will go away. I want to find peace, I want the nightmares to end. I don't have anyone to talk to about all of this...but there is...of course...Spike. I find it strange that in all this confusion and pain there is only one person who relates to me in perfect clarity....Spike. Only Spike. Life is full of ironies.

The End