Chapter 22:

Be yourself; everyone else is already taken. ~Oscar Wilde


Buffy had expected something like that. Something like that, but not that, not a full out belly laugh. It angered her, ruffled her feathers, but it made her downright pissed when she saw the look on Spike's face - completely crestfallen - and then spotted Alicia coming up behind her mother.

She blinked at her father and looked up at her mother. "What's going on?" she asked innocently.

Sam's laughter died on a soft sigh and she looked down at her daughter, straightening and pulling herself together. "Nothing, sweetie. Daddy was just telling me a joke, that's all."

Buffy bit the inside of her cheek to keep from screaming at Sam. Instead, she settled on glaring at her, and then directing her attention to Sam with a loving smile. "Hey, Leesha, want to go for a ride with me?" She looked at Sam directly in the eye, letting the woman who she once thought was a nice person and a good friend, that she was on Spike's side here and that she meant business.

Sam met her eyes with a slight glare and a raised brow.

"If that's okay with your mom, of course," Buffy added.

Sam eyed her for a minute before conceding with a nod of her head. "Sure, that's fine."

"Thank you," Buffy said, and meant that. "Why don't you get what you need hon? We'll go to the park, maybe get some lunch if you haven't eaten? Sound good?"

Leesha nodded excitedly and bounded off.

Sam came out of the house forcefully, glaring at them both as she stood there on the stoop. "What the hell is this?" she demanded.

Buffy opened her mouth to say something, but Spike held up a hand, seeming to have anticipated she would step in.

"I told you, I want to talk to you about Alicia and spending some more time with her," Spike said calmly. Buffy was surprised by the level of calmness and the not backing down he was exhibiting. She was so proud of him. However, she had to keep herself in check and not jump the gun just yet. There was still a lot of ground to cover first, but on that first step, she was proud.

Pursing her lips together, Sam looked at Buffy. "So, you have something to do with this?"

Buffy opened her mouth yet again to retort, and Spike held up his hand again. "No, she didn't. This is me Sam, all me. Can we talk, please? Like adults?"

Clenching her jaw, Sam nodded briskly, "Fine. Come in." She entered the house, leaving Spike and Buffy nothing to do but follow.

Buffy looked at him, "Spike-"

"It's okay, pet. I can do it. She's a dragon, but there's a reason for it. I don't take full responsibility, but I take most of it. I know what I've done and I'm getting what I deserve."

She stared at him, awe settling over her. "Wow."

He grinned, "That sounded all adult-like and profound didn't it?"

She swatted him playfully, giggling, "It did. Do you believe what you just said?"

He nodded, turning solemn, "How could I not? These last few days have been a bloody revelation, Buffy. I'm holding the mirror up to my face and seeing what I've done, what I've become. And not just to Alicia, but to the ones I love." He reached out and caressed the side of her face, "Like you."

She took his hand from her face and squeezed it, smiling gently. "Kind of like The Picture of Dorian Gray?"

He nodded, "Yep. But, I want to make that picture beautiful, make it into a good man, not a dastardly one."

"Are you coming in or what?" Sam nearly barked from the screen door.

"Ah, the fire breathing dragon awaits," Spike mused just as Alicia came bounding out of the house, a blue camouflage backpack over her shoulder.

"Are we all going together?" Alicia asked carefully, eyeing her father.

Spike smiled warmly, "No, bit. You're gonna go with Buffy and I'm gonna stay here and talk to your mum okay?"

Alicia stared at him warily, "You are?"

Spike nodded, "I am."

"Are you gonna fight again?"

Spike shook his head, "No baby, we're not gonna fight again. We're just going to talk."

"About what?"

"You. How do you feel about seeing your old man some more than just on the weekends?"

Alicia's eyes widened and then narrowed, "You want to see me more?"

"I sure do, Bit."

"Why?"

That had to hurt, and Buffy could tell it had by the expression on Spike's face.

"Because I love you, Alicia. You're my daughter."

Alicia shrugged, "Yeah, but you never wanted to see more than the weekends."

"Well, I do now. Would you like that? Would you like to see me more? Would you like to make a room for yourself to stay in at my penthouse? A room just for you that you can decorate."

Alicia smiled, "That sounds like fun."

"And during the week maybe you and I could have dinner a couple times during the week. Catch up on things. You can tell me about your week and I can tell you about mine."

"We've never talked about stuff like that before," Alicia said honestly.

"Doesn't mean we can't start."

"But what if I'm going to a friends house?"

"We'll work around it. Do you think you'd be able to make time for me in the week, sweet bit?"

"You're going to make time for me?"

Spike nodded.

"What about your girlfriends? Will they be coming too?" she wrinkled her nose, "I didn't like Harmony, Dad. She stole my strawberry chapstick."

"No, baby, my girlfriends won't be coming with us. It'd just be you and I."

"Do you promise?"

"I do."

"And you wouldn't be talking on the phone all the time?"

"No, it'd just be me and you. I'll shut the phone off."

"Do you promise?"

"I do."

"I guess that's okay then."

"Can I have a hug?"

Alicia nodded and flew into her father's arms and hugging him tightly. Then, focused her attention to Buffy. "Are we going now?"

"We sure are, hon," Buffy assured her. "Get in Daddy's car and we'll go."

 

"So, you happy you got your daughter and Buffy on your side?" Sam asked after Alicia and Buffy had left. Now they were settling at the kitchen table, a pitcher of iced tea and a couple glasses between them. Spike was shocked at just the offer of a beverage.

"It's not about sides, Sam," he told her on a weary sigh, settling down at the table. "And you know it."

"How about talking to me before Alicia about your plans?" Sam snapped.

Spike clenched his jaw. "Funny but I thought our daughter would like to hear it first. You're telling me that she's growing up and has this whole other life and well, I kind of figured she'd like to be asked if she'd like to see her father more-"

"To give you the easy way out so you wouldn't actually have to go through with it or because you want to be her 'friend'?"

Sighing heavily, Spike sat back, "I don't see how either answer isn't just digging myself a hole. I'm dammed if I do and dammed if I don't with you."

"How long is this going to last? Until Buffy goes back?"

"Sam-"

"Because her heart would be broken if you made promises to her that you didn't plan to follow through on. Like when you promised her a pony ride when she turned five but the flavor of the week demanded your attention instead. Or when she was seven and you promised to take her to Disney on ice only 'something came up'. Or the weekends of the past that you 'forgot' it was your time to take her. I'm telling you right now, you do this and hurt her, I'll take you to court and make sure you never see her again. You don't get the tears and the bitterness when you don't show up and keep your promises."

Spike sat there, stunned, his heart breaking inside his chest thinking of all the promises he had made and hadn't followed through on when it came to his precious little girl. Ha. Precious little girl huh? He hadn't treated her that way now had he?

And Buffy saw good in him? Where?

Swallowing the lump in his throat, he said on a shaky voice, "I want to do this. I want to do. . . everything. Parent-teacher conferences, ball games, dance recitals - all of it."

"Your schedule with filming won't permit you do it all."

"Then I'll do what I can."

"Why the sudden change?"

"Do I have to tell you the reasons why I feel the need to change my life?"

"Maybe it'd make me more sympathetic and understanding as to why I want to risk breaking Alicia's heart. Again."

Spike took a deep breath, "Because I've realized that I've made some poor choices. I have hurt Alicia and that I'm in danger of losing her altogether. It hurts me to know that she can't share things with me. That I'm out of the loop and -"

"You never cared for that before, why now?"

"I was dumb, Sam, okay. I know I was. I was all about me and," he shook his head, "when I think about when she was a baby and how close I felt to her. . . she's mine. Half of her is me and she's amazing to me. She's my flesh and blood and I've wasted all this time on . . . what? Nothing. A few cheap thrills, that never mattered. Not the way she does. I want her to be able to tell me about her boyfriends and what's happening in school and her activities. I don't want to find out second hand...I want to know it all about her. I've fucked up Sam, I know. I missed the boat and I've broke her heart and I can't take those times back, I can't take any of it back, but I can do it better from now on. I want to be her Dad. Her only Dad. Please, just. . . let me prove to you that I can do this."

Sam stared at him long and hard, and Spike could see she was having an internal battle with herself. Her lips pursed together, she sat back and crossed her arms. "I mean it, William. You hurt her and you're done. Make sure you understand what you're getting yourself into before you commit to this."

Spike nodded eagerly, "I want this. I want to commit to this. Sam, I. . . I want to make it up to you too."

She eyed him warily, "That time is far past."

"Maybe so for some things, but not for all."

"I thought I was immune to your charms," she murmured, looking down. "How did you manage to convince me of this?" she asked, looking up at him.

"Maybe because you can feel how serious I am."

"Maybe," she sighed, "It's make or break time."

"I won't let you down."

"It's not just me William--"

"I know. I know, it's Alicia too, and I know I've let her down and I want to make it up to her."

Standing, Sam went to the fridge and grabbed the calendar hanging on it. "All right, let's make some plans then."

Chapter 23:

There is luxury in self-reproach. When we blame ourselves, we feel no one else has a right to blame us. ~ Oscar Wilde

Coming into the kitchen with Alicia in tow, Buffy found Spike and Sam hunched over a calendar and some papers, plus Spike's planner. Alicia and her froze and stared at them.

"Everything okay?" Buffy asked cautiously.

Spike looked up at them over his shoulder, "We're making a schedule. Bit, you don't mind if Daddy takes you to dance class do you?"

Alicia stared at her father, dazed. "No," she answered slowly. "You're gonna take me to dance class?"

He nodded.

"Why?"

"So that after we can have dinner together," he said as if it was an everyday occurrence and not something new that was just beginning.

Alicia blinked, "Okay."

"Great," Spike said and turned back to his planner. "Dance at six p.m. Got it."

Alicia shrugged and bounded off, "I'm going to watch a movie!" she called over her shoulder.

Buffy stood there, uncertain of what she should do.

Sam looked up at her, "Buffy, we're just about done here if you want to take a seat."

"Um, okay," Buffy agreed, feeling awkward. Was this something she should be around for or was this something she should leave them to do? "You know what? I'll just go upstairs and see what movie-"

"Pet," Spike said, reaching out. He took her hand and squeezed it, tugging her toward a chair. "Stay, please. It's okay." He smiled up at her and she immediately relaxed. She smiled back at him and then focused in on Sam who had a funny look on her face. Longing...perhaps some regret. Sam had a look of longing and regret, and Buffy had a funny feeling there was a story there.

********

"I know you're not happy with me," Sam said later after the plans had been made and Spike had gone up to say goodbye to Alicia

Buffy blinked and cleared her throat. "Well, I -"

"You think I'm hard on him just for the sake of being hard on him. Or because I'm still angry with him for cheating on me," Sam said, matter-of-factly.

"Well. . . yeah," Buffy said slowly.

"I can understand that, and part of that is true. Part of it. I am still angry with him for cheating on me-"

"Sam, you don't have to tell me this-"

"I do have to because you're the woman in his life now."

"Alicia is the woman in his life," Buffy said firmly.

Sam shook her head, "I'm not stupid, Buffy, I can see it. The way he looks at you, the way he treats you...he treats you better than any floozy he's brought by. You know why? He has respect for you. He loves you."

Buffy gulped and opened her mouth to speak, but Sam cut her off. "And I'm jealous. I can admit it. I'm jealous because he never loved me. He loved me as a friend, but he never loved me the way he loves you - as a lover and a friend. As someone he could fully give himself to. I've watched him over the years, Buffy, watched him hide himself and put on airs and become this guy he thought he had to be to gain love and respect...He doesn't do that with you. With you, he's real. He's himself. The himself I knew a long time ago combined with an air of self-confidence that is real and not fake. He's . . . he's not just William and he's not just Spike, he's somewhere in between."

"Sam, did you love Spike, ever?"

Sam frowned slightly and smiled with a shake of her head, "He tell you I didn't, huh? That's what he believed."

"So you did then."

"Yes, I did. I admit it was more based on friendship and support, but after he cheated on me, I realized how much I really did love him. It cut me to the bone, ripped me to shreds to know that he was with someone else, that someone else was there.... and all these years later-yeah, I love Ryan, don't get me wrong, I do, but there's a part of me that will always belong to William. I don't think I ever got over that hurt and I don't think I ever will. I think that's where some of that anger comes from - in fact; I know it is. It's me being angry at myself for not being able to be over it and angry at him for giving me that anger...it's a vicious cycle. However, that is just a small amount compared to the anger I feel on Alicia's behalf."

Buffy nodded solemnly, "I know."

"He told me he's realized he's made some mistakes and wants to fix them now. Only a small part of me believes that's all his doing and not yours."

"Sam-"

"And I've told him that basically, if he breaks her heart again, I'm taking Alicia from him completely. He listens to you, Buffy. Make sure he gets that, would you?"

Buffy nodded, "Sam, I'm sorry."

"For what? What do you have to be sorry for?"

"I'm not sure, honestly."

Sam shook her head, "Don't apologize for him, Buffy. He needs to own up to his mistakes, not make excuses for them and not have others make excuses for him. He's done things that deserve my ire, your ire, Alicia's ire and the list goes on. . . it matters not what he did, it matters what he does now."

"I whole heartedly agree," Buffy said nodding in agreement.

"I really do like you, Buffy."

"Thank you, Sam. I like you too."

"And I'm jealous of you too."

Swallowing hard, Buffy opened her mouth to speak and was once again cut off. "Call me when you want to do dinner," Sam said quietly and shuffled out of the room.

Settling back in the chair, Buffy pondered that new piece of information while she waited for Spike to join her.

********

"You're quiet," Spike noted later to Buffy as they drove back to his penthouse.

"Am I?"

"You are. What's going on in that pretty little head of yours?"

Buffy shrugged, "Just stuff." She didn't think it appropriate to tell Spike what Sam had confessed to her. Granted, she was first and foremost Spike’s friend, however, she did have some kind of relationship with Sam and respected her enough to not spill the beans on the truth of her feelings for Spike. Besides, she didn’t think it was something that Spike would be able to deal well with and it just simply wasn’t her place to say anything. That was up to Sam if she ever felt compelled to say anything.

“Care to share any of that?”

Buffy smiled over at him wanly, “Not really.”

Reaching over, Spike took her hand in his, “Want to go out tonight? Have dinner? Maybe a club or something? Just to get out and have some fun?”

Buffy nodded, “That sounds like fun – but, are you, ya know, gonna drink a lot?”

Spike laughed, “No, pet, I’m not going to drink a lot. We’ll just go out and make fun of other people like we always do.”

Buffy laughed, “Sounds perfect.” She snorted, “We’re such assholes.”

“Buffy?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

“You don’t have to thank me.”

“I know I don’t, but I am anyway.”

Squeezing his hand she turned back to watch the California sites pass her by.

Each time that one loves is the only time that one has ever loved ~ Oscar Wilde


When Buffy Summers cut loose, she cut loose. And here Spike thought she’d be some kind of stick in the mud; which was ridiculous considering he had been out with her before and knew how much fun she could be.

With a few in her, she was a riot. She was loud and at her witty best. She was also quite outgoing and laughed easily. He didn’t want her drunk necessarily, just loose. Loose enough to have a good time and still be able to have a conversation with him. That seemed to be her goal as well since she’d slowed down after the first couple drinks. The girl, he realized, was a lightweight.

“So, how do you feel about everything?” Buffy asked as she sipped her frozen strawberry margarita and studied him closely.

Grinning, he took a swig of beer. “I feel great.”

“Like a new man?”

“Not quite there yet, but close. Feel like maybe some of that darkness in my picture is somewhat fading.”

“Ah, the reverse of Dorian Gray?”

“Exactly.”

“You’re so smart, Spike,” she blurted out. Her eyes grew wide, as if she couldn’t believe she’d said that out loud. As if it was a bad thing.

He chuckled, “Thanks, so are you pet. Why do you look as if you shouldn’t have said that?”

“It just flew out.” She set her drink down. “Gotta slow down.”

“Telling me I’m smart is not a bad thing, you know.”

“I know, I just . . . I just – “

“Have other things rolling around in your mind that you’re afraid you might share?”

She nodded profusely.

“Why? Because they might get you in trouble if you say them?”

She nodded again.

“Like how you want my tight, hot body.”

She started to nod and then abruptly stopped. She glared at him. “Sneaky.”

He laughed, “Come on, say it. I’ll tell you how much I want you first if it’d make you feel better.”

“No! That most certainly would not make me feel better!” she exclaimed, indignant.

“Why not? Don’t you want to know how desired you are?”

“It’s easy to desire a body, Spike,” she drawled.

“I don’t just desire your body, Buffy, and you know it, “ he said sternly.

“Can we talk about something else, please?”

He sighed, “Why? Don’t you think we have to talk about this at some point?”

“Yes, at some point. That point> “Not Alicia’s, huh?”

“I just don’t feel comfortable doing that. Like I’m sending her into the lion’s den to be slaughtered, you know?”

“But Sam doesn’t bother you so much?” Buffy giggled.

“Well, I do care, I mean, she is the mother of my child so there is a certain respect there.”

“This just got too complicated. See what happens when you break your promises?”

“I take full responsibility for it.”

“You have no choice but to,” Buffy laughed. “Come on, let’s go dance. Enough with the heavy.”

He grinned, “See, you do want my tight hot body.”

“Spike!”

“Hey now, I never said anything about not flirting shamelessly now did I?”