~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

BUFFY: We're going to get to the bottom of this. We just can't take any chances.

SPIKE: Don't. Make it tighter, the knots will give. If I get free, someone's going to die.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

BUFFY: Can I do something?

SPIKE: I think you should probably go.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

BUFFY: Better? (After Spike's nod) Good.

SPIKE: I don't remember anything.

BUFFY: Well, you were having pretty bad withdrawal.

SPIKE: No, not that. I don't remember...what I did.

BUFFY: Nothing?

SPIKE: Some flashes here and there. It's like I'm watching someone else...do it...kill people. I've been loosing time now for a while. Waking up in strange places.

BUFFY: When did your chip stop working?

SPIKE: I wasn't aware that it had, you know...not till now.

BUFFY: And the loosing time? How long has that been going on?

SPIKE: Things have been wonky for me ever since I got back, ever since...

BUFFY: You got your soul.

SPIKE: Figured that was what it was like, been so long since I had one.

BUFFY: How did you do it? How did you get your soul back?

SPIKE: Saw a man about a girl. I went to seek a legend out. Traveled to the other side of the world, made a deal with a demon.

BUFFY: Just like that?

SPIKE: No, not just like that. There was a price. There were trials. Torture, pain, suffering, of sorts.

BUFFY: Of sorts?

SPIKE: Well, it's all relative, isn't it?

BUFFY: Meaning?

SPIKE: Meaning I've come to redefine the words pain and suffering since I fell in love with you.

BUFFY: How can you say that?

SPIKE: Apparently, I just slaughtered half of Sunnydale, pet, I'm not really worried about being polite anymore.

BUFFY: So that's what this about? Feeling sorry for yourself, Spike?

SPIKE: I'm feeling honest with myself. You used me.

BUFFY: Yes.

SPIKE: You told me that of course. I never understood it of course, not until now. You hated yourself, and you took it out on me.

BUFFY: You figured that out just now?

SPIKE: The soul's not about moonbeams and pennywhistles, love, it's about self loathing. I get it. I had to travel around the world, but I get it now. I understand you now. I understand the violence inside.

BUFFY: Violence? William the Bloody now has insight into violence?

SPIKE: Not the same. As bad as i was, as evil and as wretched as I was, I never truly hated myself back then. Not like I do now.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

SPIKE: Did I hurt anybody?

BUFFY: You took a good bite out of Andrew.

SPIKE: Who?

BUFFY: Tucker's brother. He'll be okay.

SPIKE: I don't remember.

BUFFY: It's okay.

Buffy, I don't know why.

BUFFY: We think we do. Something's playing you, some ghost or demon has figured out how to control you. I've got the gang researching it right now. Xander has this theory that you're being triggered.

SPIKE: Kill me.

BUFFY: What?

SPIKE: Buffy, you have to kill me.

BUFFY: You don't understand. When I left the room earlier, I heard you talking--

SPIKE: Do you have any idea what I'm capable of?

BUFFY: I was in the cellar with you, I saw what you did.

SPIKE: I'm not talking about the cellar. People in the cellar got off easy. I'm talking about me. Buffy, you've never met the real me.

BUFFY: Believe me, I'm well aware of what you're capable of.

SPIKE: No, you got off easy too. Do you know how much blood you can drink from a girl before she'll die? I do. You see, the trick is to drink just enough, to know how to damage them just enough so that they'll still cry when you...'cause it's not worth it when they don't cry.

BUFFY: It's not your fault. You're not the one doing this.

SPIKE: I already did it. It's already been done. You wanna know what I've done to girls Dawn's age? This is me, Buffy. You've got to kill me before I get out.

BUFFY: We can keep you locked up. We'll keep you here and we figure out--

SPIKE: Have you ever wondered why you can't do it, off me? After everything I've done to you, the people around you? It's not love, we both know that.

BUFFY: You fought by my side. You've saved lives, you've helped--

SPIKE: Don't do that...don't rationalize this into some noble act. We both know the truth of it. You like men who hurt you.

BUFFY: No.

SPIKE: You need the pain we cause you, you need the hate. You needed to do your job to be the slayer.

BUFFY: No. I don't hate like that. Not you, not myself. Not anymore. You think you have insight now because your soul is drenched in blood? You don't know me, you don't even know you. Was it you who killed those people in the cellar? Was it you who waited for those girls?

SPIKE: There's no one else.

BUFFY: That's not true. Listen to me, you're not alive because of hate, or pain. You've alive because I saw you change. Because I saw your penance.

SPIKE: Window dressing!

BUFFY: It'd be easier, wouldn't it, if it were an act? But it's not. You faced the monster inside of you and fought back. You risked everything to be a better man.

SPIKE: Buffy--

BUFFY: And you can be, you are. You may not see it, but I do. I do. I believe in you, Spike.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

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