I wrote this fic for the AHA competition - 'Not Entirely Perfect' contest, so I thought I'd share it with you all. Sorry there is no summary, but I couldn't think of one and if I wrote a bad one it would put people off reading it! So, this explains the lack.
Thanks to Sara-Lee and Shirlz who sent me feedback for my last fic - it was very much appreciated.
DISCLAIMER: Want them? Yes. Own them? No. So, there it is. These wonderful characters belong to that brilliant yet heartless man named Joss and all his associates.
CATEGORY: Fixing the show/Angel becomes human/slightly angsty and very, very annoying.
PAIRING: B/A - obviously, although Buffy nearly marries another man to whom I haven't been bothered to give a name. Let's call him 'the normal guy'. It's OK, he doesn't even have any lines.
SPOILERS: Sort of all of Season 5 Buffy
TIMELINE: Future. Far into the future.
RATING: For anyone who watches the show (the uncut version in the UK)
FEEDBACK: would be very much appreciated. I wrote this when I really should have been revising for my GCSE's which start in less than a month, so please, encourage me and convince me it wasn't a complete waste of time! Any ideas as to how I can do without the awkward stage directions?
DISTRIBUTION: Take it! I love having my story on different fanfiction sites. Only please send me a very quick E-mail to tell me where I can see it so I can do a dance around my B/A shrine. Thanks.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Warning - if you think you're going to fall asleep then please skip this section. This piece is quite strange - a combination of POV's and drama. I have taken ideas from many things for this story, inspiration came from: Horace's 'diffugere nives', Elizabeth Jenning's poem 'My Grandmother', Graham Green's 'The End of the Affair' and Hardy's 'Tess of the d'Urbervilles, the old black and white version of 'Wuthering Heights' by Emily Brontė, starring Laurence Olivier and Merle Oberon - I must say that this is one of my favourite films. It's also a tiny bit like 'City of Angels' and 'Titanic', and I really don't like these films. So, to all these authors and actors - thanks (and don't sue me)! As for the theme, I interpreted this as that even though Angel becomes human, he and Buffy cannot be together for very long not because they don't want to, but because fate had something else in store for them. I didn't want them to have problems just like normal people in relationships do because one, it would really burst my bubble, and two, I think that the only reason they argue on the show is because they are both so frustrated that they can't be together. Sorry for the long notes!
'immortalia ne speres, monet anus...pulvis et umbra sumus.'
English translation: 'The year advises you not to hope for immortality...we are dust and shadow.' Quintus Horatius Flaccus

Prologue

<< Angel > >

They call me a warrior.

I fight, I hunt, I kill. Evil, blood, death; it's my life. Sometimes people wonder: 'Why do I do it?'

Is it because I enjoy it?

Not likely.

Is it because I care?

Not really.

Or is it because I am looking for redemption?

Partly.

But the real reason, is simple.

I want to be worthy. Worthy of life; worthy of happiness; worthy, of love.

They call me a creature of the night; a man who lurks in shadows, who fears the light.I hide from the day, from the sunlight; I hide from the truth.

No one sees who I am. No one knows what I hide or what I feel. A vampire with a soul; a damned death, a heart that doesn't beat.

And those who claim to know me; do they know that I am afraid of the dark?

No one can fight the dark; suffocating, endless, merciless, cold like the grave. The more I know I belong to it, the more I fear it. The darkness is my master, and I its slave. Palpitating in the shadows is the despair that would destroy me.

And all the hope I can cling to is the promise of light, of freedom, of truth. A day when life will open wide her arms to receive me. A day, when I can stand before the dawn and say 'Let the sun rise.'

Shanshu.

******

Part 1

<< Buffy > >

It's been 4 years, 2 months and 5 days since I saw him last: that dim, forgetful meeting in the corridor of my college hall. Just another misunderstanding, another unalterable event to weep over and a memory that grows more painful daily; the mix of emotions made more potent by regret.

And now I'm here, in his city. It's almost as if I can feel him, here, even though I have no idea where he is; I can tell he's here, somewhere; the whole city vibrates with his presence.

I wonder if I've changed, and I wonder if he has. Somehow I doubt it, and though I have no right to assume, a part of me refuses to believe that he could be anything but the Angel I loved, the one freaky thing in my freaky world that ever made sense to me. I wonder if he has someone new. Even thinking it gives me a pang, although I have no right to think of him as 'mine' anymore, and no more right to blame him considering the choices I've made, yet still, a part of me refuses to let him go. And even though I know we can never be together, I can't help but admit to myself that he's the only person I'll ever wholly love.

And as for me, I know I've changed. I wonder if he'll still see me as the person that he loved. Time has taken its toll on me, I am sure of that; and maybe what's worse is that I know that time is powerless over him. I wonder if he'll notice that I'm taller, a little thinner, and that there are new angles to my face that weren't there before. A dead mother, a lost sister, a lover who went away, five long years without him; each little thing, I imagine, adds a little frown to my forehead. I wonder if he'll notice that I don't smile or laugh, cry or frown as much as I used to. I've bottled up my emotions since he went away, afraid that if I let them show, just a little, all the pent up pain and longing will start flooding back, and I won't be able to stop them. I'd drown in my tears, and there'd be no one there who would be able to rescue me.

I wonder if he'll like who I've become. I wonder if he still loves me.

******

< Stage directions... >

< Angel is fighting a gang of vampires. Buffy appears and the two easily finish them off >

< Cut to the two walking around LA. It is a winter night >

'Thanks for helping me out there.'

'Don't mention it.'

'What are you doing here, Buffy?'

'Just, in town.'

'Right. For long?'

'It depends.'

'On what?'

< They stop walking >

'On you. Look Angel, I came here especially to look for you. I know we met by accident back there but I was going to try to find out where you were anyway. There's something I want to tell you...and something else I want to ask you.'

'You can tell me anything.'

'I know.'

< They start walking again >

'I know, so, Angel, what I came here to tell you is: I'm getting married in two months. No - don't talk - just hear me out. I'm not going to tell you his name, or what he does, one because none of that matters and two, you'd probably fall asleep on me. I suppose what matters is that he's a nice, normal guy, like you've always wanted for me, right?'

< Buffy looks at him for a reaction, but Angel cannot look up >

'Yes. Yes. Yes, it's what I wanted for you.'

'I thought you might say that. I suppose you want to hear the history, well after Riley left, and Mom died and then Dawn disappeared, I just felt...I don't know, lonely I guess. Then one day, I was in this fight, and I nearly got myself killed, and afterwards, I decided that I didn't want to be alone anymore. I'd had enough of that. I started dating, I met this guy, and I think he loves me; but the point is, I...'

'You love him.'

'No. That's not the point. You see that's exactly the opposite of the point.'

< She looks at him until he looks back at her >

'The point is, I don't love him.'

< Angel looks shocked but quite relieved >

'There's no love; there's not even...passion. It's nothing compared to what you and I had, but it should be enough, right? I can't expect too much?'

< Angel remains silent >

'Angel, do you remember what you gave as a reason for us not to be together when you broke up with me? You said that us being together, that it was unfair to me. I never agreed with what you said at the time, but now, I think I kinda realise what you meant. Don't you think, that what I'm doing now, is unfair to him?'

< Still no answer >

'Angel I'm not going to beat around the bush. I'm here to ask you a question. You don't have to answer right away, but I suppose if you're not even 99.9% sure, that's not really a good sign, but I'm going to ask you anyway.'

< They stop walking. Buffy takes a deep breath and looks up at him >

'Do you want to give it another shot? I mean us, the you and me thing?'

< Angel looks down, overcome with emotion and also a sort of sadness. When he makes no answer, Buffy speaks again >

'Angel, look, I know the reasons you gave at the time were valid, but listen to me, now. I'm 24 years old, if I don't know what I want from life now, then I'll probably never know. And I know what I want. I don't want children, I don't want sex, and I don't even want a normal life. I want you. I want us. I want my life to be with you.'

< Angel looks up at her with tears in his eyes, but it is a look of sorrow. For a while, neither of them speaks >

'I'm guessing that look means 'no' then.'

'Buffy, you know...'

'How much you love me. I know. God, it's strange that after waiting 6 years to hear you say those words again, they just don't seem to be enough.'

< Buffy, crying now as well, tries to laugh >

'Is it just me? Or does it seem as if every time I come here it's purposely to get my heart broken because it sure feels that way to me...'

< Buffy is sobbing - almost hysterically, and Angel pulls her into his arms in an embrace >

'I'm sorry Angel. I know it's not your fault. I just hoped...'

'I know.'

'Why does it have to be like this? I love you so much it hurts. I just want...'

< Angel squeezes her tighter, they are both crying >

'Buffy. Shh.'

'I can't live like this any more...I don't know what I'm going to do. '

< Angel pulls away and holds her by the shoulders, looking into her eyes >

'Then I'll tell you what you're going to do. You're going to marry him'

< Buffy is shaking her head, the tears welling up again >

'I can't.'

'Yes you can. Love him, raise your children with him, live your life with him.'

'And what about us?'

'Just because you don't see someone, doesn't mean that you can't love them. Just because you don't see me, doesn't mean that I'm not with you.'

'It's not enough.'

'It has to be.'

'I can't live my life with regret. I can't live as the wife of another man, knowing that you're out there...'

'Then forget.'

< Buffy is stunned. She looks at him earnestly >

'I'll never forget. I can't forget.'

< Angel turns to hide his emotion)

'You will. You'll forget.'

< Buffy stares at his back for a moment, and then he turns, about to speak >

'Buffy...'

'You're going to say goodbye to me?'

'Yes.'

'Why?'

'You know why.'

< Buffy doesn't want to know, but reluctantly nods her head, wiping away her tears >

'Then I guess it's 'goodbye'.'

< She turns, about to walk away >

'Wait, haven't you forgotten something?'

< Buffy turns back towards Angel >

'What?'

'Well, aren't you going to invite me to your wedding?'

< Angel smiles at her, and she smiles back >

'It's in the post.'

< Buffy looks at him, not wanting to walk away. Angel is the one who turns, and walks in the other direction. Buffy stares after him for a while, and then turns too. She looks up and around, and notices that it has started to snow >

******

2 months later...

< Evening, a black car drives up to a church, Buffy is in it, dressed in her white wedding dress. She gets out, and smiles uneasily at the people who rush up to greet her >

Guest: What a wonderful idea! A wedding by moonlight...

< Buffy stops, and looks around. Then she walks intuitively towards the side of the graveyard, towards a certain tree. Angel steps out from beneath it >

'You came.'

'I wouldn't miss it.'

'And nothing's changed?'

'I want you to be happy.'

< Buffy looks down, they both know that she won't be >

'Congratulations, Buffy. You look...you don't need me to tell you how you look.'

< Angel steps forward and kisses her on the head. Buffy closes her eyes, taking in the scent of him, as if for the last time. She doesn't move. Angel is the one who turns and leaves >

< Procession up the aisle. Buffy is wearing a veil, but we see that she is crying. They get to the alter; Buffy's husband-to-be is a very normal looking guy. Suddenly, Buffy pulls off her veil, sobbing >

'I'm sorry. I can't...I just can't.'

< She runs out of the church. She looks around for Angel, but he is already gone. She runs down the road, desperately, but there is no sign of him. Eventually she gives up, sits down on the pavement, and starts to cry >

******

Part 2

5 years later...

< < Angel > >

If anything, it was disappointing.

A victorious battle, a flash of light, a pain in my chest, and the pounding I used to long for so badly.

That was it. I was human.

Maybe I should have prayed - got down on my knees and thanked the Powers That Be for my second chance.

I didn't. If anything, I wanted to scream, shout, hit something, kill something, anything that would have told them that I would never thank them for what they did to me. Yes, they gave me life, only a lifetime too late. They denied me happiness, and then gave me life when it was no longer of any use to me.

If only it was a year ago...

But I can't allow myself to think these thoughts. If I did, I would go mad - that is, if I were not mad already.

I thought to myself: What now? A new life? Surely I should be happy?

I can do whatever I want now.

The problem is, what I want, is out of reach.

******

Part 3

< LA - night. We see Angel, looking a little older, walking past a hospital. He stops, eerie music, he has a strange feeling. He turns and walks into the hospital >

< Inside the hospital - it is very bright. Everyone is moving, busy. Angel, alone, stands still, looking anxiously around, trying to figure out why he has this strange feeling. The camera focuses on him, standing in one direction, and a person in a wheelchair and a patient's outfit behind him. It is Buffy >

'Angel.'

< Angel spins around, and sees her. The camera focuses on his face; he is shocked >

'Buffy.'

< They stay like that for a while, one standing and one sitting, just staring at each other. Buffy looks older, but otherwise has changed little. There is a puzzled statement on her face >

'You've changed.'

'I wanted to tell you...'

'What?'

'I'm human.'

< Buffy stares at him. There are tears in her eyes >

'Human?'

'Yes.'

'For how long?'

'Four years.'

< Buffy looks away, she is crying, and then turns back, her voice harder >

'And you didn't even think to tell me?'

'I wanted to.'

'But you didn't. Why?'

'Buffy - do you really think I would?'

< Buffy stands up, angrily >

'No! Of course I didn't! What with all your self-sacrificing crap and the way you always think you're right? Of course you wouldn't! But you know what Angel? The truth is that the only one you're really doing any good for is yourself! You don't care what I think, or how I feel, all you want is to feel like you're the heroic one. You...'

< She is interrupted by a fit of coughing, and nearly collapses but Angel catches her and holds her up, rubbing her back. Buffy coughs violently into her hand, when she stops, she does not move and so Angel continues to hold her. She pulls her hand away and we see that there is blood there. The camera moves to the look of shock and fear in Angel's eyes. Buffy looks up, and their eyes meet >

'Buffy...'

< Buffy faints, this time the nurses notice and everyone rushes towards them and takes Buffy from Angel and into a room >

******

< < Buffy > >

I felt it before I saw him; the strange ache in my abdomen that always preceded his arrival. I could feel him. And then I saw him. He was facing in the other direction, but even from the back, I could tell there was something different about him - something more palpable and vibrant, some force that surrounded him that wasn't there before.

And then he turned, and saw me. I could see that he was surprised, although I knew he must have felt it too.

For once, I wasn't so preoccupied with how much I'd changed, but noticed instead that Angel was indeed different. As impossible as it seemed, he seemed older. I asked him, and it was then that he told me.

Human.

It took a while for this information to sink in but when it did, I felt anger rising up inside me like smoke, and the fact that he was doing it for 'my' benefit made it all the worse.

I thought of all the wasted days and months; the tears that should never have been cried; and the dreams that should have been reality. I thought of the loneliness and the regret, and the fear

He didn't know. He didn't understand

But I couldn't go on. The coughing came again, and I fell into his arms. Even then there was more comfort then there had been since he last held me. For a moment, I forgot about the pain in my chest, and the anger and frustration at seeing him again and was content to let him hold me.

And then I pulled my hand away, and fear made my entire body numb.

How much time did I have left to make things right?

******

An hour later...

< Angel and a Doctor are standing outside a dark hospital room with a window. Buffy is lying inside, asleep. They both look at her >

'What is it, Doctor?'

'Without further tests, we can't be certain, but from the samples we've already taken and the coughing fit earlier - we can be pretty certain...advanced tuberculosis.'

< Angel is silent for a while, he doesn't move his eyes from Buffy >

'Will she die?'

'Not from the TB, it can be treated, but there's more. From the scans we took earlier, we've discovered multiple nodules of a malignant growth in her right lung. There were far too many for us to remove, and it's pretty certain that they're spreading. It's practically useless for us to try to operate.'

'Doctor, will she die?'

'I can recommend specialists with more advanced methods of treatment then we have at our disposal here, in New York or Paris, but at this stage, I'm afraid that her chances of defeating the cancer are slim to none.'

'How long does she have.'

< The Doctor is silent >

'Weeks. Months if she's lucky.'

< Pause >

'Can I see her?'

'Of course. Is there anything that I can do?'

'No. Thank-you.'

< The doctor leaves, and Angel goes into the room. He walks over to the bed, sits down, and looks at Buffy >

'Angel?'

'Yes?'

'Am I going to die?'

< Angel is silent >

'I guess that means yes.'

< Buffy closes her eyes for a moment >

'What is it?'

'They found nodules of a malignant growth in your lungs.'

'And the coughing?'

'TB. There's a treatment...'

'I don't want it. I saw what happened to my mother.'

'This is different.'

'I don't care. I'm not having any treatment.'

< She pauses for breath >

'I want to be with you.'

'Your - husband...'

'He was never my husband.'

< Angel looks up for an explanation >

'I ran out, at the wedding, after you left. I couldn't go through with it.'

< Angel looks down again, absorbing this new information >

'I didn't know.'

'I know, and I'm sorry for what I said earlier. It's not your fault. Let's not talk about it, the last thing I need is more cause for regret.'

< She pauses for breath >

'I don't have long, do I?'

'The doctor said weeks, maybe months.'

< Buffy looks a little scared, but she summons her strength and sits up >

'Angel I want you to get me out of this hospital.'

'Where do you want to go?'

'Wherever you're going.'

< They look at each other, and Angel understands, he heads for the door >

'Angel, wait!'

< Angel turns >

'First, there's something I want to do. We got interrupted back there. I still haven't felt your heartbeat.'

< Angel walks back to Buffy, sits down on the bed, takes her hand, and places it on his chest. He is wearing a dark purple coloured shirt. She spreads her fingers tentatively, a tearful smile on her face. Angel's heartbeat can be heard distinctively. She looks up at him, and throws her arms around his neck. He returns her embrace, and they remain there for a long time, as the camera moves away from them and into the busy hospital corridor >

******

< Later, at Angel's apartment. Angel lowers Buffy onto a bed (they are both obviously naked), and kisses her gently. She kisses him back more forcefully; his hands start to move up and down her body, but suddenly he pulls away >

'Buffy...are you sure you want to do this?'

'I've waited 12 years to do this. I don't care if I'm dying, I might as well die now if...'

< Angel silences her with a kiss >

'OK.'

< She kisses him back hungrily. Angel reaches out his hand to turn out the lamp. Blackout >

******

<< Buffy > >

It seemed as if I had waited my whole life for this moment. Perhaps I had. When he kissed me, when he touched me, and held me so close I could feel his heartbeat; it wiped out the pain of the past, of quarrels and partings, of regret and longing, of the pain of a love forbidden

I sank whole-heartedly into his embrace, wanting to be close to his body, warm now, and still preciously familiar, after so long.

And he asked me if I wanted to do it. How could I tell him that for this, for this moment, for the feel of his lips on mine, his hands on my body, to truly be with him, for this I would die willingly?

So I kissed him back eagerly, hungrily, wanting to be as close to him as possible. Forgotten were the wasted years behind us, the pain in my chest, the fear of death and of being separated from him. All I wanted was for the moment to last forever.

And in my memory, it will.

******

< Later, still in Angel's bed, Buffy is asleep in Angel's arms, and he is watching her, breathing with a little difficulty, but still looking content. He strokes her hair gently >

'I love you.'

< Buffy snuggles closer to him; he smiles and kisses her on her head >

******

< < Angel > >

Afterwards, I lay there, listening to the beat of her heart, watching her breathing as she slept, and although it pained me to see the pain each intake of breath gave her, I had never been happier in my life

It was strange; we could never lie like this, next to each other, without some restraint, some anxiety about the future, some threat looming over us.

Even now, the thought of her leaving me so soon brought a chill to my heart as she lay beside me. She was so beautiful, and yet she looked fragile and vulnerable at the same time

So I held her quietly, relishing the scent of her and the silky touch of her skin against mine, trying to ease her breathing by holding her close. I half wished that at that moment, we could be turned to stone, so that the moment could be frozen forever in time.

******

< Angel is still holding Buffy, but now she has woken up, and is staring into space. Angel is stroking her shoulder >

'Angel?'

'Mm?'

'I want to marry you.'

< She looks up at him. Angel looks touched, and leans down to kiss her gently on the mouth >

'Marry me then.'

'In a church.'

'Or an outside reception.'

'With all the trousseau - a perfect wedding.'

'Like the one we dreamed of.'

< They smile at each other and start to giggle >

******

< The wedding... >

< The wedding is much like the one in Angel's dream in 'The Prom', except that there are lots of people in the congregation, and Angel does not become uncertain as they walk into the sunlight and Buffy does not burst into flames. It is a bright day outside, and as Buffy and Angel step out into it, holding hands, confetti is thrown over them. They get into a car and drive away. Giles, Willow, Tara, Anya, Xander, Cordelia, Wesley and Gunn step to the front and wave to them >

******

Part 4

< < Angel > >

I wondered at the fact that after eternity had been granted me for so long, and I had borne it like a burden, all I seemed to want now was more time. Every second was so precious, and I wanted to spend it with her.

Of course, there were other things. Everyday she had to go to the hospital for a check-up. Then the day would be spent doing things that she had always wanted to do, but had never had the opportunity. We had picnic in the park, we went to the beach, and we walked around in the streets at midday. It was the same for both of us, I marvelled at the way the sun lit up her face, and she couldn't stop smothering me with anti-sunburn cream.

Then there were her friends; many tears were shed. We all tried to persuade her to take the treatment, but she just shook her head. We went to Sunnydale to visit her mother's grave, and my old apartment where I lost my soul on the night of her 17th birthday. We went to see Faith in prison

And then at night, we would go back to my place, and make love. Afterwards we would lie awake, just holding each other. It amazed me that we slept so little, but then again, time was precious. We couldn't afford to lose a single moment.

And before we knew it, 2 months had passed. Buffy's condition had deteriorated, but it hadn't really affected her. I began to hope that the doctors were wrong, that perhaps she was strong enough to fight this disease after all. Then one day, a coughing fit started, and she couldn't stop. I could her hear lungs struggling to take in air, and her whole body shook as she coughed up more and more blood. We went to the hospital, and the doctors refused to let me take her out again. They said that she didn't have much time.

So I sat with her, day after day, night after night, as gradually she seemed to become weaker and weaker. Her body didn't seem to be able to take the wracking coughs. When she slept, it was a fitful sleep; she would toss and turn as if in a bad nightmare. My heart would miss a beat every time she took a breath, fearing it would be her last

I sat there, listening to the obtrusive ticking of the hospital clock, until I couldn't stand it anymore. One day, I took it down, and I stamped on it until I had vented out my anger.

I couldn't bear the thought of time slipping through my fingers, and the thought of the day on which she would leave me looming nearer and nearer, becoming more inevitable by the minute.

******

< The hospital; the middle of the night. Angel is asleep in the chair next to Buffy's bed. Buffy gets out of bed, pulls out the needles and tubes in her arm and chest, and puts on her trousers underneath her hospital gown. She goes over to Angel, and shakes him gently >

'Buffy?'

'Angel - I want to go out.'

'Buffy - you can't. It can make your condition worse, besides...'

'I don't want to hear the reasons, Angel, I don't care about them! Listen to me, I don't have much time. I can feel it.'

< There is a pause as Buffy takes in the look of fear in Angel's eyes, then reaches out her hand to touch his face >

'And I don't want to spend my last moments in a hospital bed. I want to go somewhere with you.'

< Angel hesitates, and then takes her hand, and they both walk out of the room >

******

< The beach, before dawn. A pink line is appearing on the horizon. Buffy and Angel stand by the pier. Buffy is wearing Angel's coat, and he has his arms around her to keep her warm >

'Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I hadn't been called.'

'Well, you would have won all the popularity contests at school, had strings of boyfriends...

< Buffy laughs >

' graduated, and probably married a very rich man.'

'And lived a contented life for happily ever after? Do you really think so?'

'No. I don't. Slaying's not just something that happened by chance, Buffy, it's your destiny.'

'And do you think I've fulfilled it?'

'You know what? I think the Powers That Be got more than they bargained for.'

< Buffy smiles again >

'And what about you? Don't you sometimes wish that Darla had never chosen you that night in the alley?'

'I used to, sometimes, when my soul was restored. And then I met you.'

< Buffy snuggles closer to him >

'The dawn's coming.'

'It's beautiful.'

'It is, isn't it? When you're allowed to enjoy it.'

'It wouldn't be so beautiful if you weren't here.'

< Buffy's statement changes >

'Angel? Promise me something?'

'Anything.'

'Promise me never to say that, think that again. I won't be here forever, and I want the dawn to be beautiful to you if I'm here or not. After I die...'

'Shh. Don't say that.'

< Buffy turns around and faces him >

'I have to. I'm serious. I want you to make the most out of this gift from the powers that be. You were made human for a reason, and I don't want you to give up on it just because of me. Will you promise me that?'

'I promise.'

< Buffy presses herself against him again, and his arms go around her. The camera focuses on the horizon; the sun is starting to rise. Its rays spread and illuminate the solitary couple on the beach >

'Angel? Do you think there's a life after death?'

'I believe it.'

'Then we'll be together again, won't we?'

< Angel holds her closer >

'You have to believe it Angel. If you can come back from hell, nothing can stand between us.'

'Nothing.'

'Then I'm only saying goodbye for a while.'

'Don't say it at all.'

'I don't have a choice.'

< Angel begins to cry and they embrace each other >

'I love you so much. I've lived for 253 years to love you. I've lived a life of pain and denial to be worthy of you, and now they're taking you away?'

'Sometimes I think I feel your pain more acutely than even you do. And I would live ten, a hundred, a thousand times that just to have one day in the sun with you.'

< Buffy turns and sees that the sun has almost risen from the horizon >

'Look Angel. The day's almost here.'

'I don't want it to come.'

'That doesn't mean it won't. Let the sun rise. Let the day do its worst. You've got to make the best of it, for me.'

'What will I do?'

< Buffy smiles faintly >

'The most any man can do - live as best you can.'

< They remain silent for a few moments, watching the sun rising. Then Buffy begins to struggle with breathing >

'Live, Angel. Live for me.'

< Angel doesn't look down, but tears are running down his face. Buffy takes one last laboured breath, and falls loose at Angel's side. The wind continues to blow through her hair, and he continues to hold her, not moving his eyes from the sun, which is now high in the sky >

******

< < Angel > >

Her father wanted a church funeral - an expensive coffin, an officious priest, a whole congregation of guests clad in black pretending to mourn someone they hardly knew, God's blessing - dust to dust, ashes to ashes

I wasn't going to have any of it. Not that I don't believe in God, I do. But what had God ever done for me? Or for her? Everything she had in her life, everything she had accomplished, she had fought and bled for. She didn't need God, he didn't deserve the credit for her life and he did not deserve her soul.

And so it was a simple cremation. I invited her closest friends, and I invited the man she almost married. After all, perhaps he had loved her just as I had done.

And it was done. All that was left of her was ash and dust in a varnished black porcelain urn. I took her to the beach where we had watched our last sunrise together - at dawn, her favourite time of the day. I opened the urn, and let her ashes sift through my fingers, until it was all gone. She was no longer confined in a varnished black porcelain urn; she was as free as the wind. I watched as the ashes disappeared into the brightening horizon, and closed my eyes, breathing in the scent of her that would forever linger in this place.

I didn't cry - after all, why should I? It wouldn't be what she wanted. There had been enough tears. I waited until the sun was risen in the sky, and I walked away.

Once again I was faced with just one question: what now?

Only now the answer was simple; I had promised her that I would live, and that was exactly what I was going to do.

******

Epilogue

51 years later...

< < Spike > >

As I stand here, waiting for the dawn, it's strange, but I think I can smell her.

Oh bloody hell. Now I'm going mad.

But then again, maybe not. Why else would the bastard want his ashes scattered here?

I can feel the wind behind me, dangerous and impatient, as if it can't wait to get its hands on him.

But I'm following orders. Sunrise, he said.

So I wait, and while I do, I think about his life.

He died at 304 years of age, a good run for anybody. I think of all the things that he accomplished, from the Nobel Prize for that cure for cancer, right down to that time I saw him win that beer-drinking contest. As loath as I am to admit it, if it weren't for him, I wouldn't be standing here, waiting for the sunrise with a pulse in my wrist. He's lived more than a lifetime's worth; that's for sure.

And now, he's a pile of dust, and not because some old enemy finally got their hands on him. He's dust because it's what he wanted to be. He lived his life, and he died with no regrets. That's more than I can say for most vampires who were at one time the scourge of the earth but then got their soul back and found redemption in the arms of a pretty little blond. And all the rest of us can do is to try to live up to him.

The sun's rising now, I can feel it. A red line appears on the horizon. Hell I've had enough of waiting, so I open the urn, and pour the ash out in one swift twist. The wind snatches at it, and it's soon up in the air, swirling like a sandstorm. I stand, transfixed. There's something powerful about this moment.

When I look up again, the sun is half way up the sky. It's almost silent, no sound except for the splashing of the waves below, the murmur of the wind, and the soft swish of the new dust mixing with the old

Oh sod it, I'm becoming a sentimentalist.

I stand still for a few moments, wondering at the peace that has fallen over this place, and then I walk away

After all, I haven't any time to waste. I've got a life to live.

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