DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN ANYTHING APART FROM THE STORY SO DON'T SUE ME.
TIMELINE: Buffy Series 5/Angel series 2
SPOILERS: I was made to Love you/Reprise
CATEGORY: Angst
SYNOPSIS: Whilst in LA with her father after Joyce's death, Buffy meets up with Angel Investigations, who tell her that Angel has lost his soul through sleeping with Darla. Buffy sets out to kill Angelus. Will she realise the truth in time? DISTRIBUTION: Sure. Just write me a quick E-Mail so that I can celebrate the fact that people actually want this. Thanks!
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I haven't actually seen these episodes, so sorry for any inaccuracies!
FEEDBACK: Please do.
RATING: 13 - contains mild swearing - no violence - no sex.

<<Angel…>>


I wanted to feel something besides the cold.

I wanted to forget about the pain and the darkness. The bleakness of eternity for which I was destined.

I didn't want to be strong. For so long, I had stayed in the cold so that others could feel the warmth. I had given up life to save the lives of others. I had been a warrior.

I was done with self sacrifice.

For once, I wanted to be the one who walked in the sunlight; I wanted to be the one in the arms of a lover, oblivious to the needs of anyone except myself. I wanted fire and the twisted pleasure of remorseless sin. I wanted power; I wanted to make her scream.

For once, I wanted to be the one who needed to be saved.

So I took her. In the darkness, in the shadows, in the hell where a love such as ours belonged. I took her with a desperation that had been kept behind closed doors for so long; a madness to which she and she alone held the key.

She was my maker. She was my God.

But even when I was with her, I knew that it was the ice that burned, and not our love. It was the sin that urged me, the power that made me dizzy, the pain that made me scream.

It was never the love. She could never make me happy. For a time, I tried to forget; but I knew. Perhaps I had always known. Then why? Lust, loneliness, love?

But no, I know the answer. With her, a part of me had hoped to find the redemption I had once found in the arms of another. In her, I had wanted to feel the tenderness that there had been in the kiss of another, which had once warmed my heart of stone. I wanted to forget, about the pain, the loss, and the longing.

For I am destined to be always without her, to walk the path of eternity alone, without her by my side.

And it hurts more than I can bear.


Perhaps it was the rain crashing down mercilessly on the windscreen, or the eerily moonless sky. Whatever it was, Buffy had a bad feeling.

'Wake up Dawn, we're almost there'. Buffy said softly.

'Mom?' Dawn uttered, almost inaudibly.

Buffy froze. She tried to ignore the tears that were prickling at her eyes. She had to be strong, for Dawn's sake.

'No Dawn, it's me. C'mon, wake up.'

As the car swerved into the Summer's drive Buffy thanked God that she had made the journey safely.

<<Cars and Buffy are unmixy things.>> Her own words at a picnic under the sun came back to her, and the memory of the person to whom they were spoken.

<<Great. Just great. Perfect timing Riley. You're the last thing I need to remember.>> Buffy whispered to herself.

She looked across at her sister, asleep against the window, and felt a wave of tenderness wash over her. Dawn might not be her real sister, but she sure as hell was going to make sure that nothing happened to her.

She opened the door, and got out. She ran up to the front door and found, instead of a much needed father, a note which said:

'To my darling daughters,
Had to leave town on an emergency trip, be back on Friday. Make yourself at home.
Love,
Your father.'

<<Great. Typical. Just when you need him the most.>>

She quickly ran back to the car. The rain was still coming down, hard and fast. She opened the back door.

'Spike! Wake up, we're here.'

The vampire mumbled incoherently.

Buffy punched him.

'Ouch! OK! Talk about a rude wake-up call.'

'You get the bags.'


Buffy walked slowly, trying to sum up enough courage to complete her errand. Already she was getting shivers down her spine, and butterflies in her stomach. She didn't want to do this. Angel was the last person she wanted to face right now.

But was that really the truth? Before, when she hurt, or was upset, the person she had always gone to was Angel. She used to be able to tell him anything. Can that bond change?

Yet surely anything between them had been over long ago? Buffy remembered with an inward wince what she had said to him at the police station on the day of Faith's arrest.

<<'I have someone new in my life. It's very new. You know what makes it new? It's because I trust him.>>

How could she treated Angel like that? No word of what she said had been true. She had always trusted Angel, even when she tried to deny it to herself. She had wanted to hurt him, to feel her power over him, to triumph over his pain; because she had known how much he loved her.

How much he <I>had<I> loved her. After the way she had treated him, she could have no doubts that it was over.

Buffy blinked her thoughts away, and was surprised to find that tears had begun to trickle down her face. She wiped them away quickly as she turned the corner to face Angel's Investigations.

A burnt ruin faced her.

Buffy's heart began to beat faster. Had something happened to Angel?

<<No. NO. They've probably just moved.>> Buffy told herself.


There were far too many of them. Gunn turned around and counted silently. 12 vampires. They were surrounded.

'Wes, hope you're up for a fight.'

'It doesn't appear that we have much of a choice.' Wesley replied, trying to sound confident.

'Good, then let's go'. They began to fight. Wesley shot at a vampire with a crossbow, but it hit somewhere in the abdomen. The enraged vampire pulled it out and charged. Gunn did a roundhouse kick and knocked one of them onto the floor, then jumped onto him and staked him. He was pulled off by another vampire. Wesley had now climbed up onto a low roof and was holding a cross as 6 vampires advanced on him.

<<This is the end. Goodbye world.>> Gunn thought as another punch from the vampire nearly rendered him unconscious.

Suddenly, he felt the vampire turn to dust before his eyes. He blinked to see a small blond girl standing in front of him.

'It's not very nice to punch people, you know.' Buffy said.


Buffy dusted another 5 vampires easily. Then she moved on to the other 6 who were crowding Wesley, now pressed up against the wall.

Gunn watched in wonder as this small girl punched, kicked and ducked, and fought with a skill he had never seen embodied in such a pretty girl.

<<I wonder what sort of demon she is. She fights as good as Angel.>> Gunn thought to himself.

As Buffy finished off the rest of the vampires, she jumped up onto the roof.

'Wesley?' she asked in surprise at the cowering man in the corner. 'Boy, some things just don't change, do they.' It was more of a statement then a question.

'Hello Buffy. Didn't expect to see you, though I can't say your intrusion was unwelcome.' Wesley got up cautiously. There was an ache in his back.

'So, rogue demon hunter, when you hunt demons, shouldn't you bring a real demon hunter?'

'Angel's… indisposed. And, we thought, there's a world in peril on our shoulders and…'

'What? Has something happened to Angel?' Buffy tried to keep the urgency out of her voice. It didn't work.

'No, he's fine. Physically anyway.'

'What do you mean?'

'It's a long story. We should go back to the office.'

'Yeah I tried but it was kinda blown up.'

'We moved.'

'Ah. I thought so.'

'Aren't you going to introduce me to your friend?'

Buffy spinned around as Gunn walked up behind her.

'Oh yes. Pardon me. Gunn this is Buffy. Buffy, Gunn.'

'The slayer? No wonder. I've heard a lot about you.' Gunn said as they shook hands.

'Sorry I can't say the same about you. You did pretty good out there.'

'Good compared to cowering in the corner, you mean?'

'Yeah. That was good. It takes guts to stay away from the corner. Unlike Lady Windon-Price here.'

Gunn chuckled. He was beginning to like this girl.

'Alright. Alright. I think we should go back and let Cordelia know that the mission is accomplished.'

'Mission? You would have made a real great Initiative…'

'Pardon?'

'Nothing.'

For that was another long story.


<<Angel…>>


It has been so long.

The scent has haunted me, always, fresh and intoxicating. It has been so long since I've tasted.

The girl is half dead; her eyes half closed. I know she will not live. The blood, warm still, trickles down her neck. Darla offers her up to me. I know I will take her.

After all, the battle is over. I lost.

As I sink my teeth, so long unused now, into the girl's tender neck, I think I will forget about the torment, the guilt, the longing for redemption. My conscience is dead. Or it is numb.

Perhaps I know that later, the girl's rasping breath and beating heart, feeble now, will plague me. The life I will take to satisfy my hunger, ignored for so long, will return to haunt me. I know, but I don't care.

It is over.

And even so, I remember the last time I took human blood. The last time, long ago now, from one who would die to save me. I remember the pain and the pleasure, the sweetness and the bitter self-loathing that came when she hovered between life and death. The determination. Never again.

As her image returns to me, I feel tears, so rare to a creature such as myself, come to my eyes. They flow freely down my cheeks as I drain the last of the girl's life. They are tears of lost hope, and useless passion.

For I know, that in doing this, I have lost her. And in losing her, any hope of peace, of salvation.

As I let the girl's limp body fall to the floor, and Darla regards me with a sinister smile of triumph, I know that I am a monster again.

I will hunt. I will kill. I will drink.

I will embrace my dark power, and in doing so I will never be free.

I am truly dead.


'Darla's back?' Buffy was shocked. Even during her short acquaintance with Darla, she had seen how dangerous she was, and her power over Angel.

'I guess Angel's having a hard time trying to kill her.'

'That's not what he was doing last time we saw him'.

Buffy was silent.

'Angel and Darla had, um…what I mean is that….' Wesley struggled for the right words. If there were any right words.

'Spit it out Wesley, I'm a big girl, I'm not scared of the big bad words.'

'Angel slept with Darla and now he's lost his soul and he's probably out there killing some innocent souls right now. OK?' Cordelia was tired of Wesley's mumbling.

Buffy was expressionless. A long silence ensued.

'Are you sure?'

'He hasn't been back here since, and we heard some reports that he was drinking.'

'What are you going to do about it?' Gunn stepped forward to ask.

'I guess I'll have to kill him'.


'Wesley, I want you to look after Dawn, and call Giles, tell him to get up here. I'm going after Angel.'

'Sorry, yes, of course, but remind me again, why is Spike here?' Wesley stared apprehensively at the vampire.

'He's in love with her.' Dawn stated, in a matter-of-fact manner.

'Dawn!' Buffy nudged her sister, trying to silence her.

'God, what is it with you and the undead?' Cordelia asked.

Buffy stared at her.

'It's none of your business. Anyway, Spike's good now. He's on my side.'

'Well, if you trust him Buffy.' Wesley agreed. For once he was going to have to rely on Buffy's instincts. 'You'll need him now.'

'I know. That's why I brought him. Spike, you ready?'

'For a good fight? As always.'

'Good. Wish me luck guys.'

'Buffy, are you sure…'

'Look, if Angel's bad, there's no other way. Even if we restore his soul, with Darla around, he'll lose it again. Believe me, this isn't my idea of fun.'

'Then take Gunn. He can help you.'

Buffy gave Wesley a small smile before heading out of the door.

<<This is it.>> She thought.


<<Buffy…>>


This is it then. It's over. Today, either he dies, or I do.

I never thought it would come to this. Or did I?

Last time, I killed him to save the world. This time, it's no different.

But it is different. Last time, I turned him. This time, it was Darla.

I had always thought that it was me. Now I realise it wasn't. It was the sex.

He's no different from Parker. I was nothing special. Just another conquest. Angel never loved me…

It's painful. It hurts, so much. In a week, I will lose the two people that I loved most. First mom, and now, Angel.

I can't imagine a life without him. Even when we were apart, just the thought that he was alive, that he loved me, the hope that one day…

I mustn't think like that. There is no hope, not anymore.

He's not my Angel anymore. Perhaps he never was.

And I must kill him, or die trying.

I can't think which I would prefer.


Buffy saw them first. Her ability to feel Angel led the trio down a dark alley. First, they had come across the corpse of a girl, drained of blood. Buffy averted her eyes. So it was true then, Angelus had returned.

And then she saw them. Darla was pressed up against a wall whilst Angel kissed with a ferocity Buffy had never known. This only served to hurt her more.

<<I was never what he needed.>>

They were both in full vamp mode.

Angel turned first to look at them. Buffy could discern no expression on his face. She pointed a crossbow at him.

'Party's over. Time to clean up.'

'Slayer.' Darla whispered, licking her lips. 'Go get them, Angelus.'

To Buffy's surprise, Angel charged at her. She hadn't recovered before he thumped her hard on the face. She reeled back, from the pain in her face, but also as her heart shattered. Before, Angel couldn't bear to hurt her.

She got up, tears threatening, but the pain making her more determined.

'Guess you're not in the mood for small talk.' Buffy said.

'Let's get it over with.' Angel growled.

They fought, they had done so before, but never like this. Sometimes it was training, other times, it was Angelus, but never like this. Both were willing the other to win, both winced more when the other was hurt rather then at their own pain, both longed for death.

Spike and Gunn advanced on Darla.

'Hello great grand mother. Long time no see.' Spike said.

'Spike. Now why doesn't this surprise me. You were never made to be one of us.'

Spike growled. He picked her up and threw her against the wall.

'It's time I taught you a lesson.'

Spike lunged, but Darla was too quick for him. She jumped up and kicked him. He turned around and grabbed her. They wrestled for a while. Spike delivered a punch, and Darla landed on her back. Gunn held her down.

'Angelus!' Darla yelled, before she was staked through the heart. Spike looked at Gunn.

'You and me, mate? We're a good team.'

Buffy and Angel were still fighting. Angel had knocked Buffy to the ground, and was advancing on her. There was a pain in her stomach were Angel had kicked her, and she clutched it as she saw Angel advance.

<<It's over>> She thought, as Angel came closer.

But no pain came. Buffy opened her eyes and saw Angel fighting with Spike. She used this chance to stand up, and kicked Angel in the back. He flew across the street and landed against a wall. Slowly, he got up, and faced Spike, who was pointing the cross bow in his direction.

He did nothing. His face had returned to normal, and he simply stood, facing his death, making no effort to retaliate. Buffy was stunned. There was a sadness, almost a desperation in his eyes.

And she knew. It was Angel.

'Spike! No!' She ran towards him, thinking only that she needed to save him.

The last thing she saw was the surprise in Angel's eyes as she threw herself in front of him in an effort to push him out of the way, then, a pain which overwhelmed her body as the arrow embedded itself in her back.


<<Angel…>>


It was then that I saw her. Lost in the intoxication of my power over the one who made me, I had tried to push away the feeling that lodged itself in the pit of my stomach. It was then that I turned, and saw her.

She was disgusted. I could see it in her face. It was the demon which showed itself on my face. Before, I would have turned away, hurt by her disgust. But at that moment, I just looked at her.

Nothing has the power to hurt me anymore. When there are no emotions, there is no hurt. I have lost the ability to feel.

But nothing I had ever seen prepared me for the pain which overtook my body. I knew. She was here to kill me. She hated me; why shouldn't she?

I am a monster. She was the light. It didn't matter that she thought I had lost my soul; in a way, I had. She was here to kill me.

And I wanted it. I wanted the end to come. To die at her hands was more than I deserved. I wanted it to be over.

So I hit her. Even though I knew I was only hurting myself.

I thought, this was easier for her. She needed to blame the demon, and I let her, because I couldn't bear to let her see that it was the man who had changed. I couldn't lose what I had once meant to her. To die her enemy, I was satisfied.

After all, I had become my own enemy.

So I fought, and I pretended that I had no remorse. I hit her again and again, each time killing myself a little bit more. It was almost over. I looked at Spike, holding the crossbow, and I thought that the end was near.

I lost my strength then. For a moment, I let the pain resurface, as I willed the arrow to dart through my heart, and to make the pain stop.

It was enough. And she knew.

How could I have doubted it? She could always see through me. She never doubted. She didn't even think before throwing herself on top of me. I had no time to act, before I felt the arrow cutting into her.

And now, she is dying, and it's my fault. Her blood is on my hands.

I am damned all over again.


Angel just lay there, still as the man and the vampire rushed over to Buffy.

'Buffy! Buffy! Come on slayer this isn't like you.' Spike voice trembled with fear.

'We've got to get her to a hospital man.' Gunn put his hand on the vampire's shoulder.

'Should we…' Gunn asked, looking at Angel.

'No, leave him to rot.'

Buffy was lying motionlessly on top of Angel, the blood pouring out of the wound and soaking her clothes.

Angel lay still as Buffy's body was lifted, and he was left alone in the alley.


An hour later, Angel rushed into the city hospital.

He found Wesley, Cordelia, Giles, Spike, Gunn and Dawn waiting outside the surgery.

Dawn was asleep on Spike's shoulder. When Angel appeared, all turned to stare at him.

'I…' Angel couldn't find the words to express his apology to these people he had abandoned in their time of need.

'How's Buffy?' Angel's voice quivered.

'I wouldn't imagine that you cared.' Gile's voice had an edge to it.

'Why are you here? Aren't you all soulless-boy now?' Cordelia demanded.

'No. I didn't lose my soul.' Angel replied, with guilt gnawing away at him.

'And it took Buffy nearly dying to save you to make you see that.' Spike had also stood up now, and he had his arm around Dawn.

'I'm sorry.' Despite how heartfelt this confession was, Angel was aware that it still sounded pathetic.

'I didn't mean to…'

'No! You just happened to sleep with Darla, murder a girl by mistake? Oh right! If you didn't mean to, everything's alright now!' Gunn spoke up for the first time.

'I never wanted to hurt her.'

'Well it would help if you didn't try to kill her!' Spike retorted.

Angel could offer no explanation. Then he noticed that both Dawn and Giles were dressed in black, and remembered that Buffy had also been wearing black earlier.

'Who…?'

'Mom died,' Dawn stated coldly.

This new revelation hit Angel hard. He knew how much pain Buffy must have been feeling.

'I'm sor…'

'We don't need your pity.' Dawn's voice was hard. 'You know what you can do for us Angel? Stay away from my sister and stay away from me before I do my best to kill you!'

Angel had never seen Dawn so angry. He was shocked by the hatred he saw in her eyes.

'You're nothing but a monster Angel, you know that? This is the second time Buffy nearly died to try and save you! Do you have any feelings?'

'I'm not welcome here. I see that now.'

'Too right. You're not.' Wesley too, had stood up. They stood in a row, denying him access to Buffy's row. He looked at them and was sad to know that they hated him, each and everyone of them.

<<Why shouldn't they?>> He asked himself.

Just then a doctor came out of the room and everyone turned to him.

'How is she, Doctor?' Giles asked.

'Surgery was successful. She's going to be fine. She's been asking for someone. Which one of you here is Angel?'

Everybody froze. Angel stepped forward.

'I am.'

'Then come in.' The doctor was holding open the door.

'You're not welcome here. Now go.' Dawn said.

Angel wanted to speak, but couldn't find the words.

<<Perhaps it was best.>> He thought.

And with that, he turned away, and disappeared.


3 days later…

She felt him, as soon as she entered the room. It was dark, and she couldn't see anything, but she knew he was there.

'Angel?' Buffy called, quietly; uncertain whether or not she would be welcome.

'Angel I know you're in here. I can feel you.' Buffy said.

There was a long pause.

'You don't belong here.' A voice said. Angel's voice, but not Angel's voice, for it was cold and distant.

'You're right, I don't. That's why you should stop playing games so I don't have to stay as long.'

A dark shadow emerged from the shadows in the room.

'What do you want?' The voice said again.

'To make sure you're OK.' Buffy's voice wavered. Suddenly she wasn't so sure whether her instincts about Angel had been correct. Maybe he had lost his soul after all?

'I don't need your help.' His voice reassured her. She could tell it was full of pain, and guilt.

'Are you sure about that?'

Angel made no answer.

'Darla's dead now. You're free.'

'Of Darla? Maybe. Of what she did to me? Never.'

'I understand.'

'You couldn't.'

'Maybe not, but I know how you feel. I'll never be free of what you did to me either.'

Angel closed his eyes to push back the emotion. Why had she come here, just to hurt him?

'I'm sorry.' He whispered, knowing how inappropriate this single word was for justifying all he had done to this girl, the only person he would ever love.

'So am I. But it doesn't mean that I'm going to let you give up.'

Angel had nothing to say.

'I didn't nearly die to save you so that you could give up on yourself. And I'm not going to let you do it. What's your plan, Angel? Just stay here and wait until your guilt eats you up? What?'

'You're wasting your time with me.'

'I don't believe that. Angel I saw what was in your eyes before Spike shot the arrow. I know that you still want forgiveness. I know that you're strong enough to defeat this.'

'You don't know what I am Buffy. I'm nothing but a monster. I was created to hunt, and kill. I was born to take life. There's no hope for me.'

'You're wrong. You were doing good here, before Darla. You were making something of your life. Now she's gone. You can do it again.

Listen to me Angel! Don't you see? This is your second chance! I bought it, I was willing to pay for it with my life and I am not going to let you throw it away!'

'It's too late. There's no hope for me now. It would be best if you just leave.'

'Do you think this is where I want to be? Do you think I like having a stab wound in my back that hurts me and reminds me of you day and night? Do you think I do this for fun?'

'Why then? Why did you do it.'

Buffy was silent for a moment.

'Because I love you.'

Angel thought he was dreaming. Buffy's declaration had stimulated all of the emotions he had been trying to suppress for so long back into action. He felt an incredible urge to hold her, to kiss her, to lose himself in her warmth.

He stepped out from the shadows, and took her in his arms. As he kissed her, the passion reawakened the need for peace, the yearning for redemption and the hope that one day he could find it with her, the hope that had previously given him strength. He touched her face, reverently, tenderly, and was surprised to find tears there.

They both pulled away, and as Buffy looked into Angel's eyes, she knew that she had saved him.

She buried her face in his shirt, and cried out all the tears that had been building up since her mother's death. In his arms, she felt safe; and she thanked the powers for giving him back to her.

'My mom…' She began, wanting to share her sorrow with him.

'I know.' Angel replied. The sympathy and the quiet grief that was always present in his voice had returned. Angel was back. She pressed herself closer to him, feeling the sweet longing that there had always been between them, and closed her eyes.

'I wanted to feel something besides the cold…' Angel began.


The slayer and the vampire talked all night. When morning came, they woke entangled in each other's arms. Angel realised that it was the first time he had slept in months.

In some ways, nothing had changed. Buffy would still leave. There was to be no good-bye kiss, no passionate embrace, not even any physical contact. The night was over, and a new day had begun. He was still a vampire, and she was still the one chosen to kill his kind. The battle wasn't over, there were demons to fight, apocalypses to be averted, a soul to redeem.

With a small smile, Buffy was gone.

But the meeting had given Angel strength. The night would be stowed away, in his memory along with the other thoughts of Buffy which kept him going. Whenever he lost his way, he knew that he would always have Buffy's love to guide him back onto the right path. He knew, that one day, with Buffy's help, he would find forgiveness. And there was always the hope that one day, they could be together.

Angel was ready to face the world again.

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