NOTES: This is an Interlude to the Friends And Lovers series. This is the Friends part. It takes place on the same night that Buff and Angel are having their date. This is not a B/A story but there will be B/A content. No worries.
SUMMARY: Faith is going to be paroled from prison next week so Xand comes to see her.
DEDICATION: To Cim and Nate. I love you guys.

I'm tired. It's been a long drive. Not so much in distance but in mind. One hundred miles of whirling thoughts. Trying to figure out what to say; where to start.

I don't even know why I'm doing this. It doesn't exactly make sense. She and I were never great friends to begin with...

I cut myself off because I know the truth of that statement; we could have been.

She let us down.

We let her down.

It works both ways and that's actually really true. Weird. Who would have thought it.

I laugh to myself and even I know that it sounds bitter.

Things aren't as funny anymore. They're not the same. Not like they used to be when everything made sense. We've all been playing this game for so long that we've gotten pretty to used to being kicked to the dirt.

And then scrapping for a way back to our feet.

It gets old after awhile and I wonder why I'm still doing it. What compels me to enact my death wish day in and day out when I'm on the edge of a whole new life. A whole new world. Dear God, I'm going to be married soon.

And still I slay. Or help to slay rather. I am Scooby.

Hear me roar?

I laugh again.

So why am I here? Why did I come here? To get something off my back?

Yeah, probably.

So many things that need to be said, I guess. So many things that never have been. She failed us. We failed her. Back to the cycle.

It ends.

Oh God, it ends.

****

She chewed her nails anxiously, not sure what this was all about. They had told she had a visitor which meant that Angel had finally decided to say to hell with her request not to come see her.

Good. Finally.

She had put the block in place because she figured that that was what she was supposed to do; do it alone. He'd be more proud of her if she needed less help.

Her entire life had been about that though and now mostly, the silence from his was just heartbreaking. She missed him. It wasn't his fault; Angel was that kind of guy. You told him something and he listened.

"Faith," the guard said. He opened the door to her cell and began to lead her down the hall.

Looking around, she realized that she wouldn't be seeing these walls for too much longer. Her lawyer had managed to get her paroled. Three years of probation plus anger management classes. What a joke.

But freedom.

The guard led her to a seat and then moved away. She brushed her long hair away from her eyes and then reached for the phone. Halfway there, upon seeing the face on the other side of the glass; she stopped.

"Xander," she whispered, not quite believing.

He waved at her and smiled. One of those big doofy Xander grins.

She picked up the phone, her hands shaking a bit. "I..didn't.."

"I know," he said with a smile. "I didn't either but here I am." He took a deep breath. "How are you?"

"Confused. You're the last one I thought would ever come to see me..I mean..I did try to kill you.."

He laughed. "Not the first time a chick has tried to do. Likely not the last. I am engaged to an ex- vengeance demon."

"You like getting your ass kicked don't you?" she laughed. Then she sombered a bit. "Engaged, huh?"

"Yeah..Anya..you remember her?"

"A bit," Faith murmured.

"You're..not happy?" he asked, puzzled.

"No, I am. I am. Just a bit sad. You're..a different kind of guy, Xander."

"I've been told that..it's usually followed by 'ew'," he said with a laugh.

She smiled, "You know what I mean."

He nodded, "Thank you. That means a lot."

She looked down and around, momentarily embarrassed. "So, uh, why are you here?"

"To be here," he said, eyes meeting hers. Just a look at him and she understood why it hurt her that this man was going to be off the market soon. "Buffy told me that you're being paroled.."

"She must be pissed," Faith murmured.

"A lot has changed."

"I know," she laughed. "She died. She came back. She's like Freddy..only..not."

He laughed, "She'll kick your ass if she hears you saying that."

"How is she?" Faith asked, looking at her hands. "I..I worry about her." She laughed. "How stupid is that?"

"It's not stupid..and she's okay. Especially now that Angel seems to be back in her life."

"You're not okay with that?"

"Yeah I am..okay no I'm not."

"Not your life, Xander."

"I know, I know," he muttered. "But they make each other miserable."

"It's only what we see. And those two..they keep everything to themselves." She laughed. "We don't see shit."

"No," he admitted. "I guess we don't. They're not exactly the screaming from the hills kinda people are they?"

"No. Not exactly." Faith chuckled. "So, you've still not answered my question..why are you here instead of at home dishing your girl?"

Xander blushed. It was cute. She looked away. He lifted an eyebrow and smiled at her. She waved him away, trying to come off as annoyed.

"We let you down, didn't we?" he said, quietly.

She blinked and then shook her head. Urgently even. "No. No. Me. I need this to be me."

"Why?" he queried, confused.

"Xander, my whole life..I've been good at making other people feel my pain...but Angel is right. Buffy is right. I did this to myself.."

"We could have helped you more.."

"Sure you could have but I fucked up..my fuck up..not yours." Then she looked up at him. "Angel always say you have to take responsibility for the stains on your palms. It's taken me a long time to understand that."

"Do you know?"

"Yeah. They're my stains. For better or worse and I gotta deal with them. I've carried around so much anger my whole life. I don't want to anymore. I don't want to hurt so much inside.."

"I've never heard you talk this much.."

"Therapy," Faith laughed. "You know, emote..love one another.."

"Hand-holding?"

"No..they always sit me next to Bertha.."

Xander laughed. Then she sombered. "Okay, fine then..no more past..let me offer my friendship for the future.."

She smiled, "Talk about a deal I can't say no to.."

"Be part of my wedding," Xand broke in, eyes on hers.

She stopped, stunned. "No..it's your day.."

"And I want you there. You're my friend. New beginnings, right? I mean..that's what Buffy and Angel are doing tonight by going out on their date..starting over.."

"You're delusional if you think that's all they're doing," Faith snorted.

He shot her a look, "Hey I'm trying here...you're gonna bring out the old over-protective brother vibes again.."

"Sorry, sorry." Then she smiled. "Yes, I'd be honored."

"Good. Good. So, what's the food like in here?"

***

I'm still not sure I quite believe what just happened. I'm lying on my cot now and I think it's probably some time after midnight. Everything is quiet except for the scratching of Luanne from the next cell. All night she hits her nails against the granite. I hate this place.

And yet it's saved me.

Funny how the things you detest can be your saviors in the long run.

Xand was the last one I thought I'd see here and yet he was the one who came to me with an olive branch. Friendship he said.

Angel will be here Friday. He promised that in his letter. He said he'd be here to take me home with him and that I could come to live with them at the Hyperion. I don't know how his team is going to react. We'll see.

New beginnings, right?

Does that mean forgiveness?

Xand is getting married. Good for him. If I'm honest, I know my heart is breaking but I've never deserved him so I'm happy for him and I can settle with friendship.

Buffy and Angel are starting again. Finding a place to hold each other. Good for them. Maybe I need them to believe love can work and last.

I need new beginnings.

Friday. Maybe I get mine.

Friday.

I get mine.

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