Summary: This is part three. Buffy and Angel are getting ready for their first date in years. This follows: Just To See Her Smile.
Notes: No musical obviously. Great ep but B/S is EWWW.This takes place pre the OFFSPRING, post FLOODED. No Darla baby and none of this WTF C/A crap.
Dedication: To Nate and Cim who not only keep me sane but also honest in my writing. Thank you guys. And to the rest of the warriors. Now is our time. We will not be silenced.
Lyrics: Sarah McLachlan- Angel
Title- Jesus Christ, Superstar

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You are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there

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"You're going to see her," she said quietly, voice low. She looked up at him, eyes full of concern. He knew that expression well.

"Relax, it will be fine."

"Things are never fine when the two of you are involved."

He turned slightly, just enough to face her. "Cordy, calm down. Trust me. Everything is okay."

"You always come back..elsewhere.."

He smiled at her, "I am elsewhere."

"Angel," she protested. She reached and touched his arm. "Things get crazy between the two of you..you don't think..you just hurt.."

"No," he said firmly. "Stop."

She blinked.

He studied her for a moment and then his jaw slacked, "Look..things feel different now. Things are different. I can't let her go again. I can't."

"But you can't be with her either."

He smiled, almost like a little boy but with a hint of sadness. "No, not yet, true." He stared at his hands for a moment. "But I can't be away and I don't want to be." His tone was almost pleading for her to understand.

And she wanted to. She did. "Look, I know you love her. I understand what that feels like.."

"No, you don't. You couldn't possibly."

"Okay..I don't," she replied, irritation in her tone. "But I'm trying to.."

"No, you're not. You're being overly protective and I'm a big boy..I can take care of myself."

"Angel.."

"Look..thank you for your concern..I don't know what I'd do without you." He paused a moment and then added, "But I don't know what I'd do without her again."

She nodded slowly, reluctantly accepting and then she whispered. "But you're gonna come back, right?"

He touched her hand, "You're not going to be alone, Cor. All of us are still in this together. I'm coming back. I just need to see her now." He smiled at her then. "For one night, Cor..forget about this place..go out and be you again.."

"I am me."

"Not so much anymore. Is this where you saw yourself?"

"I wouldn't give it up for the world," she declared fiercely.

"I never said you would..I'm just saying..for one night..wouldn't you like to be.."

Gunk-free?" She sighed. "Yeah."

"Then there you go."

She smiled reluctantly. "Ok...just as long as I have a job come Monday.."

"I promise. Now..help me with something.."

She sighed dramatically. "Back to being the secretary.."

****

She stared at herself in the mirror and then took a very deep breath. This was it. Four years later and finally, at last, a date again.

"Be a woman, Buffy," she told herself, still looking at her image.

So different. So very different.

She turned away from the mirror and walked over to desk. Pulling out a small album, she leafed through the pictures. Sixteen. Seventeen. Eighteen. So much had changed. She touched one of the pictures that had been taken the night of her seventeenth birthday.

She heard a knock at the door and turned, tossing the album onto her bed. 'Hey."

"Hey," Xand said, stepping into the room. "Why the sudden urgency."

"I need a favor."

"Name it," he said, flopping down on her bed. He picked up the album and began to leaf through it. He chuckled a bit and looked up at her. "Funny."

"Yeah. Hey...can you..take me on some errands?"

He grinned at her,"Sure..why all the weirdness."

"I'm.." she chewed her lip. "Going to see Angel."

"Ah. Oh."

"Oh. You're not ok.."

"Don't have much to say about it, do I? I'm marrying a demon." He stopped and made a face. "Somehow I never in a million years thought I'd say that. I figured I'd say I was marrying Satan's bride.."

She lifted her eyebrow. He waved her off and then lifted up the Homecoming picture of he and Cordelia. He chuckled.

"So many loves.."

"But you love Anya now.."

"I do. I truly do and with all of my heart. Doesn't mean I don't sometimes miss Cord."

She made a face, 'I don't. She never liked me."

"That's not true. She respected you more than you know. She just didn't like you and Angel. " He pulled her arm so she was sitting down next to him. "Neither did I. We all had our reasons."

Buffy looked down and nodded. "Things are different now.."

"I know. I'm not worried. I trust you."

"I hate that," she said, standing up. "I hate that we have to be trusted together." Then she turned around and looked at him. "But I hate not being held by him worse."

"Then there you go." Xand said, also standing up. He wrapped his arms around her. "I do believe that things will work out. Never used to. I guess that whole gonna be a hubby thing gets in your brain, huh?"

"Something like that," she teased. She punched him lightly in the arm.

He stuck his tongue out at her and then shoved her back onto the bed. He put his hands on her hip, lifted his chin and said, "You actually think you can take me? Silly girl.."

She giggled and put a hand over her mouth. "You're a big dumbass, you know this, right?"

He frowned. "Strong words, little one."

"Uh huh. C'mon SuperXan..we got errands to run."

****

Wesley sat up as he heard a phone slam down in the office. Sliding off the couch he stepped around the wall and looked in. "Cordelia?"

She glanced up at him and blew hair out of her mouth. "Sorry. I woke you?"

"Just a bit. Is everything alright."

"Yep. Peachy."

"So..why don't you look peachy?"

"Angel's going out with her."

"Buffy?"

"Yes." She dropped down to the chair. Then she looked up at him and wrinkled her nose. "I sound like a jealous girlfriend don't I?"

He nodded slowly. "Yes."

"Ewww. Oh so ewww." She shook her head. "She always hurts him. Or her hurts her. And then people end up hurting us. Everytime they get together, I hear the Titanic theme song."

"I'm sorry," Wes said. Then he corrected him. "I mean, yes. I understand where you're coming from. However, it is his life and after everything he has gone through, doesn't he deserve some happiness?"

"Yeah," she said. "But not if his happiness ends up in Angelus.."

"I'm sure they're more careful than that."

"I'm sure they're not. Wes, I lived the real Angelus thing..I don't want to again."

"So what do you want to do, lock Angel up in a room?"

"No, he can socialize with us," she groused. He looked at her for a long moment and she sighed. "Oh I helped him didn't I? I don't like it. I'm not going to." Her voice was almost petulant as opposed to intense.

"But.." he prompted, sitting down next to her.

"It doesn't matter..it's Buffy and Angel. They always do what they want to do. No matter what."

Wes sighed. "Consider it from their point of view. Things must be hard to be so close and not be able to do what any couple should be able to."

"I just don't want him hurt. He's like..."

"Family?" Wes offered.

She looked up at him and nodded. Then she let out a dramatic sigh and stood up. "Ok, enough of this. I don't whimper and bemoan..I've got shopping to do, you know shoes to buy."

Wes smiled, "Of course."

****

He help up the bag. 'You laundered your leather jacket?"

"Pathetic, huh?" she admitted, taking the bag from him. She unzipped it and removed it, feeling the cool leather slide under her fingers. "I haven't worn this in such a long time."

"Why?" he asked, going over to her cupboard. He pulled out a box of Goldfish and began to sift through it.

"Don't eat too many or Dawn will kill you."

"Speaking of..where is she?"

"Out with Wills and Tara. They went to some..fest thingy.."

"A fest thing..sounds like...well..sounds like.."

Buffy nodded, "Uh huh."

"Yeah," he drawled. "Okay...anyways..the jacket.."

She wrinkled her nose. "Oh...I guess..it hurt too much. I slept in it for awhile but it got too painful..after Thanksgiving..even looking at it made me want to cry. Dunno why."

Xander shrugged and poured a handful of the fish into his palm. "So, where ya going with Dead Boy tonight?"

She tossed him an affectionate glare and he chuckled. "I don't know. He just wants me to meet him at our usual place. He says we'll go from there. He's being cryptic."

Xander snorted. "There's a big shock; Cryptic Boy being cryptic."

"Oh shush." She reached up and kissed him on the cheek. "Okay, you have to lean now."

He feigned shock and hurt, "Oh I see...just use me and lose me.."

"That sounds familiar," Buffy said, thoughtful for a moment. Then she waved it off. "I have to shower...and then spend an hour trying to figure out what to wear."

"I'm guessing fifteen outfits tonight.."

"I'm gonna kick your ass, you know that?"

"I do." He grinned at her. "Hey, have a great night, Buffster."

"I will. Thanks Xan."

"No problem." He turned to the door and started to step out but then paused and stopped. "And Buff.."

"Yeah.."

"Be careful."

She offered him a soft smile. "Promise."

****

"Hello old friend," Angel said, sitting down on the hard marble floor. "It's been awhile." He rubbed his hands together and then stared at them

The wall stared at him, quietly, passively. He stood back up and paced over to it, placing a hand against the metal name plaque.

Allen Francis Doyle.

He dropped his head against it and closed his eyes, allowing everything to sweep over him.

Really it was all so much. He'd been trying to move on, to get past her. He had managed to shove everything back. Sure it had never felt real but he'd been surviving.

Until he saw her. And then it was like the bottom had dropped out. He had wondered if she'd look different and she had. Older. And more tired.

But still Buffy.

Still beautiful and still vibrant in her way. Even lost in the ice cold grasp of her despair, she'd still been his sunlight.

He finally moved back to the ground and then stared up at the small box in the wall that was the half-demons' final resting place.

He'd been plagued with thoughts since the moment he's been told she was dead. Was she okay? Was she happy? Was Doyle? Too many friends lost. Too many people he loved. And he with no concept of heaven beyond her touch. Could she ever possibly be content away from the warm blanket of eternal peace? How could he hope to touch her in a way that would tell her that she was his salvation. How could he, with cold hands and cold lips ever hope to warm her?

"I couldn't save you, how the hell can I possibly save her?" Angel whispered to the wall. "Am I just an idiot?"

"Not so much," a soft voice said from behind him. He turned abruptly and stared up into Charles Gunn's face.

"I thought you were going to wait in the car.."

"I'm sorry. I meant to. I don't mean to intrude. " He moved his hand and pointed over to the opposite wall. Shaking, he indicated one of the plaques:

Alonna Gunn.

Angel dropped his head.

"No, don't feel ashamed. I just...wanted to talk to her. A minute, you know?"

"Yeah. Just a minute."

The two men stood in awkward silence for a beat and then Gunn said softly. "I've never met this Buffy. I've heard stories about her and know they're all worried and you know..I'm not keen on having to stake your ass but.."

"But?" Angel queried, looking up at Gunn. He was well aware of the fact that there was still tension between them and yet he had always believed that the young man actually liked him more than he let on. More than he was willing to admit.

"I've never felt love like they're describing.." he took a deep breath. "But if I did, I sure as hell would never let it go. Especially if, the Good Lord willing, I got it back."

Angel nodded.

"Yeah, that's it," Gunn offered, shuffling a bit.

Angel smiled. "Thanks." He turned back towards Doyle's grave and then placed a hand against it. He hold the moment for a beat and then looked at Gunn. "Ready to go?"

He nodded. "Just..just give me a second with her."

"Ok..I'll be in the car."

****

She opened the door and stepped in, smelling the dust in the air. She brushed through the cobwebs and entered the little apartment.

It still smelled like him.

It still smelled like them.

After all this time.

She walked across the room and moved over to the bed. The red coverlet was bunched at the bottom, covered in a fine layer of dust.

It had all really exploded here.

It had all ended here.

She pulled the covers up to her face and closed her eyes. The memories flooded her minds and she could almost feel his hands moving across her body, his kisses across her flesh.

He had said things to her that night. Things in a language that could have only been Gaelic. And he had held her with such care and passion that she could still feel him lifting her, moving her to a more comfortable place on the bed.

Nothing since had felt that good.

Nothing since has touched her so deeply.

They had never understood. It hadn't been just his soul that had been lost that night in a moment of unbelievable passion and indescribable bliss, it had been hers. She had touched a place beyond heaven and beyond Utopia. A place she had been fighting to get back to her entire life.

A place she had when she had died. When he had been holding her; telling her there was no more pain and they had finally made it.

Everything was different now.

She dropped the coverlet and stepped away. Moving to the door, she was met with memories of kissing him, of him asking her what she wanted for her birthday, of telling him how hard it was to leave him.

That was a long time ago.

"New beginnings," she murmured, touching the door. She pushed it back open and stepped out into the stairwell. She looked back into the apartment and smiled.

Really smiled.

She pulled Angel's jacket tight around her, letting it protect her from the blowing wind of the cold Sunnydale night. It felt right.

It just felt right.

Go to the next story Peaceful Easy Feeling

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