Summary: Angel comes into town with a belated birthday present for his exhausted beloved.
Timeline: A slightly AU universe. Buffy and Angel have been in phone contact since YOKO. This takes place after CRUSH but before THE BODY but after EPIPHIANY.
RATING: PG..may get to PG-13 later.

I don't know when I started listening to sixties bubble-gum rock. You know, the simple be-bop stuff that makes you snap your fingers. Yep, imagine that..a really dead old guy trying to be in rhythm with the Beach Boys. That's me.

It's about two in the morning and the night is pretty cool. All of the stars are out for once. Actually, it's a beautiful night. And of course all I can think about is Buffy.

It's been awhile since I talked to her. Before this whole Darla mess started. Before I started losing my mind and my connection to things.

Our last talk was nice. It was right after Riley had left and she was a tad bit down. It was hard for me to be sympathetic about him leaving but it was easy for me to be angry that she was hurt. I really wanted to kill the guy. She just wanted me to tell her that she was beautiful and could still be loved. That was easier than walking across the street.

We ended the call by telling each other we loved each other. I sigh when I think of that now. After everything I've been through..those words still keep me going.

She would love this kind of night. I smile because I know she'll love what I have planned for her tonight.

***

"Take a shower," Joyce Summers instructed as her 20 year old daughter trudged through the entry hall. The small blonde girl, flanked by her her two best friends Xander and Willow, was covered nearly from head to toe in dirt. Thick and muddy.

Of course.

Buffy nodded slowly, using her fingers to wipe mud away from her eyes. She started undressing as she moved towards the stairs. Almost immediately, Willow placed a hand over Xanders' eyes. The boy chuckled.

"What happened?" Joyce asked as soon as Buffy had disappeared into the bathroom.

"Demon," Xander replied. When he saw the look Joyce gave him, he continue quickly,"It's still muddy outside from the storm..Buffy got knocked down."

"Did she.."

"Kill it?" Willow asked.

"Hurt herself?" Joyce corrected.

"Yes and yes," Xander said with a grin. "I mean she fell in the mud and there was some blood..but she's ok.."

"Nothing broken?"

"Nope. Just cuts and bruises. A typical day at the shop," Willow reassured her. She patted Joyce on the shoulder and then moved towards the kitchen.

Joyce was about to follow her in when she heard a knock at the door. She watched for a moment as Xander went over to the candy bowl on the table and ravaged it. Shaking her head and chuckling it, she opened the front door.

"Angel?"

Xander looked up. "Dead Boy?"

Angel smiled and nodded. Ducking his head under the door, he stepped in. "You look great, Joyce," he said softly, kissing the blonde woman on the head. Joyce blushed.

"Tha..thanks..um..Buffy..you want Buffy?" Joyce blustered, still a bid red from the compliment. Angel squeezed her shoulder and winked.

"Yeah..is she home?"

"Showering," Xander said. "She's a mess."

"Is she hurt?" Angel asked, alarm slipping into his voice.

"No..but where the hell have you been? Willow asked, coming into the room. The petite red-head was carrying two mugs of hot chocolate. "You just disappeared. She's been worried sick about you."

Angel looked down and away. Now was probably not the time or place to start getting into the nightmare that had been his life for the last several months. This was probably not the arena where he was likely to get much sympathy for his choices. Especially in regards to Darla. "Tough times," he mumbled.

"What was that?" Willow asked. "Because I've been hearing..things.."

"Things?" Angel asked, looking a bit uncomfortable.

Willow smiled softly, understanding. "We were just worried."

"I'm okay," he assured her. "Better now."

She nodded at him, "I'll go get Buffy."

****

I'm tired. I'm cold. I'm wet.

It's been a very long night.

They all seem to be getting that way lately. Maybe I'm slowing down. I don't know. Things used to be easier. Or maybe that's all in my head. Lately I just feel so damn tired.

I move across my room and it feels like I'm dragging my body. I can hear Dawn's music playing through the walls. One of those boys bands. I thought she had better taste.

I sigh. I know I'm on edge. My nerves are seriously frayed and this night adventure through the mud didn't exactly help. Sure, it was amusing at the time. Hell, I laughed so hard that I thought I was going to pee. But now I'm home and I'm just plain sore.

And bloody.

I remove the towel from around my body and whistle. There are more cuts and scrapes across me than I had thought there would be. With a heavy and I'll admit it, dramatic sigh, I reach for the first aide kit.

That's when I hear the knock at the door. I close my eyes for a beat and count to ten. I'm really not in the mood to deal with all of the questions about how I am tonight. I'm just tired. Just tired.

Finally I reply, "Yeah?"

"Buffy," Willow says softly, "Someone is here to see you."

*********

She descended the stairs slowly, her legs feeling very stiff and painful. Her entire body ached with exhaustion and she truly wondered if she could actually make the next step. She felt Willow place an hand over her arm, as if to steady her, and she smiled appreciatively.

Willow has come into her room telling her that someone was here to see her but not telling her who. And if perhaps she wasn't so tired, she would have wagered a guess or two. Right now though, she didn't especially care.

"Buffy."

Or maybe again..

"Angel?" she murmured, eyes wide in disbelief. It had been forever since they had spoken and she'd begun to fear the very worst. He hadn't been returning calls or even answering his cell phone and his team had also been unreachable.

"Hi, love," Angel said softly, his dark eyes twinkling. Damn was he beautiful. She blushed and told herself to stop.

"Where have you been?" she asked, keeping herself from rushing into his arms. She was angry at him..angry and worried.

"I've been lost," he replied, his eyes deep with conflicting thoughts and emotion. The little slayer considered pushing on the subject but the decided that it could wait for later.

Instead she merely moved across the room and took him into her arms, feeling the familiar weight and coolness of his solid body against hers. She felt him tremble slightly and almost pulled back but as quickly as it was there, it was also gone. She whispered his name and smoothed his hair, knowing instinctively that he needed this contact as much as she did.

Behind them, Joyce Summers made a motion to usher Buffy's two best friends towards the kitchen. Xander watched for a beat more and then followed Willow in so as to allow the couple their privacy.

****

I worry about my little girl sometimes. Especially lately. The shadows seem darker and her step seems less springy. She looks like she's slowing down. I haven't know about this world she's in for long but I get the main behind it: you slow down, you die.

This year has been so hard on her. It seems like every year is. She's constantly struggling for balance and sometimes I don't think she has a chance. I wish I could do what I could when she was a baby; walk behind her and steady her before she fell.

But I can't.

I look around the kitchen and I see the two kids looking at me. Xander and Willow. Not so much kids anymore. They've been through so much.

And then Xander laughs and I reconsider. He shoves Willow a bit and she giggles. I shake my head and move to fix them sandwiches. Buffy needs these two. I need these two.

I think of my little girl and the big man in the living room. He loves her so much. It's in his eyes. It's in hers. She needs him. Sometimes I wonder if I was wrong is insisting that he leave but sometimes I think I've helped to make them stronger. They seem different now.

I sigh. I want so much for my baby girl. I want to hold her child one day. I want to put up her wedding picture. Right now and with that look in her eyes, I'll accept anyone just as long as he makes her happy.

***

He reached around her, stopping only to peck her cheek quickly, and grabbed her jacket. "Put it on," Angel instructed as he clutched his own leather jacket around him. "And put your shoes on."

"Where are we going?" Buffy asked, running her fingers back through her hair as she tried to pull it up and away from her face.

"Out," he said with a grin. She remembered that smile and it made her heart swell.

Touching his face she said softly, "Are you going to tell me what's been going on?"

He paused, deep in thought. Finally, almost reluctantly, he nodded. "Yes. But only a bit. This isn't about where I've been..it's about where I wasn't."

"Excuse me?" she queried, lifting an eyebrow.

He laughed and then reached under his jacket. Withdrawing a long-stem rose he said in a silky voice, "Happy birthday my love."

****

She imagined that a few hours passed in the time that he was driving. She couldn't be sure however because after about five minutes into the drive, she had simply put her head on his lap and fallen asleep. As she drifted back into the world of the living, she could feel his fingers sifting through her hair.

"How tangled is it?" she muttered, rubbing sleep from her eyes. She moved to sit up but decided to hold for a moment longer, safe and protected in his embrace.

"It?" he queried softly, his fingers still stroking her soft hair. Then he laughed. "Not too bad."

She punched him lightly in the arm and sat up. Running her fingers through her hair, she sighed. "Where are we?"

"You'll see," he said with a grin. He winked at her and turned up the radio.

"Beach Boys?" she asked in amazement. "You're kidding me?"

"I'm not," he laughed.

She shook her head, a hint of sadness in her eyes. "There really is a lot that we don't know about each other, isn't there?"

He glanced over at her, concern shading his eyes. This trip was important to him because it was about them reconnecting, not about them recognizing how far they had drifted. "People change, Buffy. They alter. But I still know you. I would always know you. Even if I couldn't see you."

She blushed, her heart swelling, her throat dry. Somehow, she was at a lost for words. She pressed her head against his chest. "Ok then, my love, take me to my surprise."

****

It's almost two in the morning. I look outside my window and I can see how dark the sky is. There aren't many stars out tonight. Or maybe I just can't see them through the Los Angeles Valley smog. Typical.

I stretch my back and I hear it crack. It seems like every moment I'm trying to loosen my body up these days. I never thought that this would be my life. This wasn't what I had had in mind.

But it's not so bad. Not really.

Cordelia Chase. The Queen of Sunnydale. Secretary to a dead guy. I laugh. It's funny. It really is. No matter how you look at it.

I sip from a wine glass and stare back at the window. I hear him move behind me.

"Delia?" he says softly, wrapping his arms around me.

I smile and reach back to stroke his cheek. He nuzzles into my neck. He kisses me on the shoulder blade and I sigh. My little secret, this man and I.

"I'm wondering how he's doing,"I tell him. And I am. My boss, my good friend, went to Sunnydale on a mission tonight. I hope he's doing well.

"It's Angel, he's smoking," Charles Gunn insists, still kissing me, still holding me. I wonder if this is how Buffy felt and feels everytime Angel touches her. I wonder if this is what she fought so hard for.

"Well he should be," I laugh. "Wesley and I spent hours setting up his birthday present to her."

"She'll love it," Gunn tells me as he takes my hand and starts to lead me through my apartment.

"I hope so," I say, feeling a bit sad. I honestly don't why but I do know that this night may mean as much to me as it does to them.

He seems to know and he looks at me with that amused gaze. He leans forward and kisses my nose. "Buffy will love it. Angel will love it. I've never met her but you say they're epic, no?"

I nod at him and drop my head back so that he can kiss me again. It feel so good. "Storybook," I mumble.

He lifts my chin,"Then they'll find a way to reconnect. Either way, Delia...you and I are just you and I..."

"I know," I tell him. I look down. I look at my wall. I look out the window. I look at him. "But if they can do it..if after they've been through, they can still love each other and find a way.." I take a deep breath and lower my voice. "Then I know I can."

Gunn laughs. He smiles. God is he beautiful. He wraps me in his arms and begins to pull me towards my bedroom. Leaning close to my ear, he whispers, "They'll find a way..love always does."

And who would have thought it? Charles Gunn- a romantic? I smile and look towards my window, silently wishing my best friend well with his beloved.

****

"Wake up, love." Angel said softly, giving the small blonde girl on his lap a gentle push.

She made a noise and groaned. Then she moved her hands to her eyes as if to rub them but was stopped by the soft cloth covering them. "Angel?" she queried, panic slipping into her voice.

"Be calm, sweetie," Angel soothed. She heard the door to his convertible open and shut and then a few moments later he was around on the other side. He opened her door for her and took her hand.

"Angel.."

"Easy," he chuckled. It was amusing too. He could certainly understand her panic at not being able to see and control what was going on but that was the point, wasn't it? "You're okay."

"Okay," she said in a small voice. " I trust you." At first it was tentative but then she realized that she actually meant it and she loosened her iron grip on his hand and allowed him to guide her.

She felt her feet stumble over rock and crunch against dirt. For a moment thoughts brought on by two many late night horror fesrs filled her mind. But it was only a moment. She could smell the cool mountain air as it soared through her body. Her senses were buzzing. It felt so damn good, wherever they were.

"Wait." Angel instructed suddenly. "Okay, step. No..higher." She did as she was told and could feel him guiding her around something very large. She put a hand out and felt the smooth cool surface of a large rock.

"Where are we?" she asked, attempting to strain against the blindfold in order to pick out shapes at the very lease. She felt him slap her hand lightly.

"Stop," he instructed. She frowned. "No..I meant stop. Here. Stop here."

She did as she was told and turned to face him. She felt him stroke her cheek. "You know how much I love you?"

She nodded. "Always," she whispered.

"I was lost," he whispered. She felt him nuzzle against her cheek, the light stuble on his cheek tickling her skin. He pressed a kiss to her lips. "I lost my way and I lost sight of you. I lost hope."

"Oh Angel.."

"Shh...it's a story, love." Angel admonished gently. He ran her fingers past her lips. "I saw darkness everywhere. It was like I couldn't breathe. I know I don't but this was worse..I felt cold inside."

She felt her heart clutch with pain. Things hadn't been easy for her either as of late but to hear him speak in this manner made her almost sick with grief and anguish.

"I let myself fall all the way. Until I hit the bottom. And it was cold and miserable. When I woke up, it was like I could see everything so clearly..darkness is life..life is darkness.." he kissed her lips again. "But there is also light. Always light." He wrapped her in his arms. "And even lost, I've always had you."

"Yes.." she murmured. "Oh baby, yes."

He smiled and reached over to remove her blindfold. She felt him run something soft against her lips. He remove the cloth and she looked down to see him holding another rose. She grinned and then lifted her eyes to look around.

And gasped.

He smiled shyly, "Well? What do you think?

****

He shifted, unnerved by her prolonged silence. In reality, it had probably only been about two or three minutes but in his head, it felt like forever. He opened his mouth to ask her if she liked it but quickly decided against coming off like an overeager teenager.

"Oh Angel," she breathed. "It's beautiful."

And it was. It truly was. Wesley and Cordelia had outdone themselves. Angel stepped back to admire their work.

There were roses everywhere. And of all colours. Pinks and whites and yellows. And then around the soft blue and white checkered picnic blanket was a spray of red rose petals. In the middle of the blanket was a green heater pack, presumably meant to keep whatever was in it warm and edible. Two unlit candles lay on their backs, a bottle of red wine between them.

And if you stepped back and looked out into the night, you could see a moon lying lazily above the valley and the sky as far to every direction as you could imagine. Every star in the sky seemed to twinkle and gleam.

"Oh Angel.."

He turned to look at her, confused and uncertain. "Do..do you like it?"

"I love it," she breathed. Then she giggled, a strange noise to his ears. Things had begun getting better at home, more and more with every single day but just the same, there hasn't been a lot of laughter as of late. It was a nice sound. Sweet.

Spinning around, she grabbed his hand and did a quick twirl, her eyes gleaming the whole time. She was laughing the whole way, loud and racous.

And then, abruptly, she began to cry.

His eyes widened in horror and he jerked forward to grab her. "Buffy?"

She fell to her knees, her sobs choking the air from her body, even as she still seemed to be attempting to laugh. Her body spasmed under the effort it all but the body-wracking jerks continued. He wrapped his arms around her body and pulled her to him. "Shh..."

"Oh God, Angel.." She pressed her face into his shoulder. "I can't do it anymore. I don't want. I'm so tired. I'm so tired."

He began to rock her back and forth in his arms, "I know..believe me I know.."

She looked up at him then, a curious expression crossing her face. "You do know."

"I do," he confirmed, sadness in his tone. He helped her back to her feet and wiped the tears away. "Tough year."

"Tough year," she repeated.

"Tell me about it," Angel instructed, leading her over to the blanket. He took a silver zippo out of his pocket and lit the candles. Laying back on the blanket, he pulled her to his chest.

"Mom's getting better but I can't stop thinking about how I almost lost her. How I can't lose her..." she looked up into the dark eyes of her demon lover. "I..I.."

"I know," he said softly. "Neither do I. I just want to be able to disappear sometimes, put my head under the pillow and not come out. "

"Would be nice."

"Yes, it would," he agreed. "How are you in here?" He pointed to her heart.

"Achy." She sighed. "Things never used to hurt this bad. Even when you and I were hurting..this is worse..I don't want to do this anymore..it's not that I want a normal life.."she took a deep breath. "Angel, I don't want to die."

****

It's almost three in the morning as I drag myself towards my bed. I'm extremely tired and it's been a very long night. I hit the pillow hard, not caring that I'm sprinkling water from my recent shower all over the place.

I feel my girlfriend wrap her arms around my torso and she nuzzles into me. My Anya. Who would have thought it? I sure didn't. I have always wanted this girl but I never ever believed that I would love her.

I drop my head down and sigh. After Buffy had left with Angel, Willow and I had decided to go out to Restfield. Like old times. Just she and I. We bagged two and then went for coffee.

And talked about Buffy and Angel. Just like old times.

Things are funny these days. Riley left to go be military boy and now another vamp has a crush on Buffy. She's not amused. Well that's not true..she's amused by Spike..just not by his obcession. I could tell the guy a few things about unrequited love. I could tell the guy that it doesn't matter how much he loves her, she's not gonna grow to love him. Buffy either loves you or she doesn't..nothing slow about it.

But it doesn't really matter. Buffy thinks he's just going to go away. I don't. It's Spike..he's a weird guy. Weird and pathetic. Love makes you that, I think.

I think of telling Anya I love her and how scared I was that I wouldn't be in time. Weird and pathetic. Like I knew I was going to lose her if I didn't get the words out as quickly as I could.

Now she's lying here with me and I'm still weird and pathetic. And confused. You always wonder what comes next. Like maybe you shouldn't press things..let them come...

I don't know. This has never been my comfort zone. Never. I just go out and do. Best friend to the witch. Right hand man to the Slayer. Lover to the ex-demon. I need prozac.

I reach over and snap the light off. Sometimes I don't want to think about things because they all whirl just too damn fast and no matter how much I try, I can't seem to ever catch up. Maybe that's my curse.

I close my eyes. She pulls me closer and I fold into her. I was right before; I do like the quiet.

*****

"You brought music?" Buffy said suddenly, breaking away from him. There has been just too many moments of silence. Too much time spent with him looking at her, understanding her. All of her. As usual.

"You'll never stop fighting," he said softly, moving to stop her. He tipped her chin up so that she had to look at him. "You're not me, Buffy."

"What does that mean?" she asked, worried.

"I told you..I was lost.." Angel replied, stepping away from her.

She looked at him for a moment, wanting to know more but understanding that perhaps he wasn't ready to talk. The night was young. There would be plenty of time for it.

"Dance with me?" she asked. He looked at her and blinked. She held a hand out to him. "You said that this was for me..a birthday present right?"

"Because I wasn't there.."

"Shush, love..dance with me now."

He smiled," Whatever the lady wants..."

*****

"It can't be done," she insisted, rolling over on the blanket to look at him.

"Sure it can," he replied easily. "I would show you but..then we'd have a problem."

Buffy Summers giggled and then hic-cupped. "I think you got me drunk."

"I think I should be sorry," he said with a laugh. He moved forward and pressed a kiss to her mouth, enjoying the sparks that snapped to life when his lips touched hers. "I think I'm not."

"You wouldn't be..hey..did we ever finish our dance?"

"Yes," he grinned. "I distinctly recall you grabbing my arm and yanking me over here, insisting that you were famished beyond all belief."

"And that's when you got me drunk?" she asked, eyes wide like a child.

He laughed, "You got yourself drunk you little alkie.."

"Alkie? When did you start saying words like that?" she asked, looking up at him suspiciously.

"I hang around with a group of them," he replied, reaching for the food warmer. "There's one more piece of chicken..do you want it?"

"Mmm..yes..mine." Buffy said, sitting up abruptly. She reached across him to grab at the single piece baked chicken that was left in the warmer. He just stepped aside and watched with amusement. She tore a piece off and put it in her mouth, swirling it around with her tongue.

"Yummy.."

"I bet. That's what? Three pieces? Four?"

"Hush. And open your mouth."

"Pretty sure I can't do both," he said with a laugh.

"Try anyways," she replied. "And close your eyes."

"Now you're asking me to do tricks.." he saw her narrow her eyes and wisely decided to do what he was told. Closing his eyes, he opened his mouth, unsure of what was about to be put in it.

What he felt was her fingers guiding a piece of chicken into it. Moaning softly, he hurried to swallow the meat and then went to the tastier offering; her finger. Sucking on it slowly, he opened his eyes to look at her.

"Hi," she whispered. Removing her finger from his mouth, she grasped both sides of his face and pressed a hard kiss to his lips. "Oh baby," she murmured. And then she started to giggle.

"Buffy.." he laughed, pushing her slightly away. "You ARE drunk."

"And you got me that way..trying to take advantage of poor me," she accused, dropping her head against his chest.

"I'm such a scamp," he admitted, his fingers weaving through her hair. "What can I say?"

"Say we'll make it eventually," she said suddenly, her voice abruptly serious.

He blinked and then lifted her head so that he could lock eyes with her. He studied her for a moment,"I sure hope so."

*****

These are strange people. Good people. I've never known people like these ones. It's funny. It's curious. It's wonderful.

And here I am.

I keep wondering how I got here. How I could have possibly. This isn't what I had had in mind. I wouldn't be anywhere else.

Willow came in about an hour ago, looking exhausted. Beat to the bone. She told me that she and Xander had been out slaying. Without Buffy.

It's funny how quickly you feel fear. And lots of other things too. It's like your stomach just goes everywhere that's strange and confusing. You don't quite know which way is left and which way is right.

So this is love?

Okay.

It's scary.

I've always been in control. Even when I really wasn't. Even when I was controlled. By my family. By my fears. I still had some clue where I was going. Just didn't know how to get there.

I would like to say that things make more sense now. Just the opposite..but the confusion feels good.

"Tara?" Willow asks, my name flowing from her lips. It's still strange to hear such love, such poetry. Crazy corny..even I know that.

I turn and smile at her. She's wearing pajamas that have the smurfs on them. They're fairly old and faded and they kinda like male in wear. I suppose they're probably Xander's.

Sometimes I get jealous because I know they have something I'll never touch. I use to think it was old school love but I'm starting to get that maybe it's something no one COULD ever touch. They've known each other since the beginning. They always will.

I accept this because I see the smile in her eyes. I see the way she looks at me. It's strange but it all feels so good.

I hear Willow talk about Buffy and Angel. I've never met him but I envy them. I try to think logically but even I know that love has nothing to do with that. It's about what makes you burn. Willow smiles when she speaks of them. I smile when I think of what they have.

"You ready for bed?" she asks me, touching my arm.

I nod and give her a smile. I want her to know that this is where I want to be.

*****

"What did it feel like?" she asked, her eyes closed as she lay against him. "Was it scary?"

"I honestly don't know what I felt..it was like everything in me had turned black and cold. I was so angry..and so..hard," Angel replied, stroking her hair.

"Did..did you like being with her?"

"Honestly?"

Yeah?" she asked, not really wanting to hear the answer.

"Physically it was amazing," Angel admitted. "But I got past that kind of sex a long time ago. It's empty..even good sex can be bad sex when it has no point..but she reminded me.."

"Reminded you?" Buffy queried, pushing down the pain of imagining him with Darla.

"Of who I was and where I am. I'm not her Dear Boy. It wasn't me..it wasn't who I wanted to be..I was just so cold..and lost..I didn't care..but when I woke up..it felt like everything was being ripped out of me.."

"You thought you were losing your soul?" she asked in a small voice.

"Yes..and no..I thought I was losing my soul..not the physical thing that separates me and Angelus but the part of me that isn't cold..and when I realized it was still there..I realized where I was..and it's not where I ever wanted to be."

She stroked his face, "Oh baby..why didn't you call me.."

"Because I didn't know how..I didn't know how to reach out for you when I couldn't even see myself.."

"But you're not lost anymore, right?"

He smiled and kissed her hair, "I'm here with you aren't I?"

*****

"Hey..wake up," Angel said, leaning over the tiny Slayer. Looking up into the night, he could see that the black was starting to give away to a husky gray; morning was coming.

She was sleeping soundly, her head rested against the soft edge of the blanket. He had been shocked to find the small bundle of thick blankets in the trunk of his car and then quickly realized that his team really had outdone themselves.

"Mm..cold," Buffy murmured, moving closer to his chest. She pulled the blanket tighter around them, her tiny arms encircling him.

"Baby..morning is soon."

She cracked an eyelid and gazed up at him through exhausted blue eyes. "Carry me," she said.

He grinned. "As you wish." Leaning across, he pulled her tight against him, giving her a bit of a squeeze. Drawing his body up, he hefted her up and then cradled her to his chest, rocking her a bit.

He placed her into the passenger side of the car and then went back to get all of the blankets and the rest of the debris from the night before. He packed up quickly and then slid into the drivers' seat. "You anymore awake?"

"A bit," she mumbled, rubbing her eyes. Damn, she looked so sleepy. And so beautiful. "We going home?"

"Soon," he promised. "One more stop."

She looked up at him, a tad bit uncertain but trusting him completely. She opened her mouth to ask him where they were going but decided that speaking would require altogether too much effort.

Reaching across, he clutched her hand in his and brought it to his lips. "G'morning love."

*****

She's beautiful when she sleeps. Hell, she's beautiful when she's awake. Always spitting fire and ice. Always looking at me like she can't figure out whether she wants to kill me..or make love to me.

I realize I like the fire. I like making her angry because then I get to hold her. She likes making me angry because then she gets to calm me.

It's strange; she and I. This wasn't what I'd had in mind. This doesn't fit at all. Cordelia Chase isn't my kind of girl and yet I can't stay away. I fight. I struggle. And when it'd done, I'm still in her arms.

I feel her reach over and stroke my cheek. I hear her mumble that I need to shave. I whisper that I'd rather not. She chuckles and burrows deeper into the blankets. I love this time of day. No pretenses.

I gaze out the window and notice that the night is beginning to release it's hold on the valley. I look around her room and I blink at what I see.

Dennis.

I'm still getting used to him.

He prepares clothes for her and it's almost like he's thinking. He pulls out a shirt and then holds it up as if to study it. A moment later it's back in the closet and a blue one is laid out instead.

Who would have thought it? A ghost in love.

But then hey, that's my crazy world. My boss is done baked on a slayer- his mortal enemy. And frankly, so am I. I'm not a vamp and Delia's no slayer but sometimes we're from equally different worlds.

So why is it that I can't stay away? No matter what I try to do..no matter what I think I can do..I always return to her.

Is that how it is for Angel? Is that what it feels like?

"I want coffee," Delia mutters, giving my leg a squeeze. I startle and then understand.

"What do you think I am? Maid service?" The words spill from my lips almost instantly, reflex like. She looks up at me with a smile on her lips and I lean down to kiss her. "I'll make the coffee."

"Thank you," she smiles. Then she turns to the closet. "No, Dennis..I want something low-cut today."

I shake my head and wonder again how I got drawn into this crazy world. This wasn't what I had had in mind.

So how did I get so lucky?

****

"Where are we?" Buffy asked, her hand firmly in Angel's. She turned a bit to the side and studied her surroundings. "You brought me to an alley?"

He smirked," No..I brought you to the beginning."

"I don't understand.."

"Five years ago, Buffy..don't you remember?" Angel prompted. He saw her shivering and quickly removed his leather jacket. He placed it over her shoulders.

"We met here," she whispered.

"Yes, we did. This is where is started, my love." He reached over and lifted her chin. "But down there.." he pointed towards a set of stone stairs, "Isn't where it ended. It just got deterred."

She followed his gaze and saw the entrance to his old apartment. She nodded slowly, recalling a time that was literally the best of and the worst of.

"There's something I want to tell you about, Buffy..something you should know.."

She lifted an eyebrow, "Am I gonna not like this?"

He chuckled, "I hope you do like it..I hope it means something for us. Because I know..I believe that we have another chapter ahead of us.."

"Tell me," she whispered, curiousity overtaking her. "What are you talking about it?"

"Shanshu," Angel said softly. "I'm going to be human..."

*****

She looked at him in wonder and then she moved her lips. When no sound came from them, she tried again. He watched her with amusement dancing in his dark eyes.

"Human," he offered, a smirk lifting his lips.

She opened her mouth again and finally whispered, "Oh God, Angel."

He laughed, "I don't think so."

"So," she said, looking down, "Will it be in my lifetime?"

He looked at her with sadness in his eyes,"I don't know, love. I don't. I can only do the best I can..and really..I need to do this for more than just us.."

"I know that," she whispered. "It's just..well..I know that."

"Hey, hey," he said, moving towards her. "Nobody is saying it won't happen..besides..you're going to live forever.."

"Angel," she cautioned.

He placed a finger over her lips. "Please," he begged. "Please."

"Oh baby.."

"As it is, I can't imagine a world without you..don't make me think about it. I need to know that even if we're not together today..we have a chance of tommorow. I need that."

"So do I," she murmured. She moved against him and rested her head on his chest. "I get scared about what comes next."

"Me too. I'm in a good place now, better than I was..but I don't like wondering as much as I use to. I think I'd like the picket fence life."

"No, you wouldn't," Buffy said softly. "I wouldn't. We're too much in the world. We can't get out."

"I know. It's a good dream."

"It's a great dream. But that doesn't mean you and I can't be together..even without that silly ol' picket fence."

He smiled, "Truth is.."

"Truth is that that fence would never be for us, Angel. We're too much in this world. We can't just walk away..we know what's under the bed.."

"We always will," he said softly.

"Yeah, always," she agreed, dropping her head back against him. She held there for a moment and would have been more than to content to stay like so if not for the fact that when she looked up into the sky, she could swear that she could see sunlight starting to peak over the hills. She sighed.

*****

I remember her the most on nights like this. And I don't quite know why.

I glance over at my clock and I watch as the big hand slides tiredly towards the twelve and the small hand clicks against the six. I've been awake all night.

Thinking of her again.

She's been dead three years now and yet she is still in my head. And in my heart. I still dream of her. I feel like she is still in my soul.

I get up and pace my room. Finally I walk downstairs. I move into my kitchen and start to prepare myself a cup of tea. Within mere moments, my eyes are drawn to a box sitting on the floor of my living room. I move over to it, forgetting about the steaming kettle.

The box is one I just removed from my attic so that I could go through. On it is written KEEPS. I open it and start to remove things from it. Some are strange and obscure, little gifts Buffy brought back, quite like a small child, from the hunt. A horn from a Goo Demon, a 6 inch nail from a Skank Vamp. Very odd. Things that caught her attention.

I sift through the box and remove a very strange movie poster. Something about demons from the deep. Xanders. I laugh. That boy.

I keep shifting objects and I take out a green and white landard. Willow made it for me. It's in the oddest shape. It glows in the dark. I stare at it for a moment, remembering a time when things seemed so much simpler.

A time when I still had Jenny.

And that's when I see it and my heart clutches. I reach into the box and remove a stained placard. Turning it over, I study the letters on it intensely: Joe-Bob's Monster Truck Rally! Beer Only Two Bucks!

I remember that night so clearly. I hated it then. I cherish it now. What I wouldn't give to have it back and fully appreciate it.

Funny how that works.

We never know we have until we don't. We really do take everything for granted. Every moment of anger..I regret. Every harsh word..I obsess over. The pain in my chest is intense when I think of her.

And when I think that it didn't have to be that way.

I'm not even talking about Angel. It's taken me awhile to separate and understand it all but I know now that the man who is with my Slayer, ultimately my little girl is not the same monster who took my soulmate from me.

My soulmate.

There's a horror in those words. Not because she is it but because somehow, I'm going to have to learn to live without her.

Until I don't.

But not anytime soon.

Buffy needs me now. They all do. There's a warmth there. I see it when I turn the lanard over in my hand. These children are my children and I owe them. And this is what she would want.

So I will wait. And hope she is waiting.

For me.

I smile when I think of that. And I think of the words I will say to her. The first I think of are I'm sorry but then I realize that there are only three that I actually want to say.

I love you.

*****

"Well, here we are," Buffy said, swinging her arms.

"Here we are," Angel agreed. He looked over at her, suddenly feeling awkward and uncertain.

She seemed to notice and somehow or another, that seemed to calm her. A large almost wolfish smile overtook her face and she giggled. Leaning up, she pressed her soft lips to his. "Silly boy," she murmured.

He closed his eyes and inhaled her scent, knowing that it would likely be awhile before they would be this close again.

"No," she said suddenly, reaching up to lift his chin. "No more of this, Angel. So what if we can't be boyfriend and girlfriend..I need you in my life.."

"I need you too," he said quietly.

"Good then." She took a deep breath. "There's a Ren-Faire next week in San Francisco..it's a huge tri-state one.."

"We're there," he said with a smile.

"No, no..love..more than that..I want to actually be there.."

"I don't understand.."

"I know you didn't like the ladies of that time..but I want to have some fun..I want to touch your culture.."

"That's NOT something we can do in public," Angel scolded gently.

She laughed and slapped his arm gently, "You are a naughty little boy. " She leaned closer to him, "Let me see that boy next week."

"Are you sure?" he asked, eyebrow lifted.

"I want to know you, Angel..all of you."

He nodded slowly,"You may not like all of me?"

"Maybe," she agreed, "But at least I'll know and baby..I could never be scared of you. I've seen the worst that you can be..and I'm still here."

"Yes..yes you are."

"Then it's a date."

He nodded, "The lady commands.."

"The lord provides.." she purred. "Now kiss me goodnight and then..where are you staying for the night?"

"A hotel..don't argue..there's a lot I want to think about.."

She looked doubtful,"Don't think too much.."

He laughed,"Don't worry. I've had..an amazing night..nothing can change that. Now..don't I owe you a goodnight kiss?"

"You do," she said, eyes bright and dancing. "After all, this is my birthday present, right?"

"Right," he agreed with a growl, "So come here and shut up." He pulled her tight against him and pressed his lips to her, the passion exploding between them.

She closed her eyes and fell into his arms. Perfect bliss. Perfect. Perfect.

And as the fire of passion rushed through her body, clearing her mind and overwhelming her senses, a gentle rain began to fall.

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