Okay, I wrote this one a while ago, but I felt the need to post one last
whine about Season 4 to the list, before I move on to whining about Season 5.
Besides, it's a really good song < g >
Disclaimer: Characters are not mine (duh!) - all Joss's. The lyrics are
from a song called "Everything You Want" by Vertical Horizon. When I first
heard it, it made me think of Riley with Buffy. And no matter what delusions
Joss is suffering from about Fish Boy, it still reminds me. So there!
* * * * * He's everything you want * * * * * Buffy watched herself in the mirror with quiet satisfaction as she brushed her long blonde hair. Her dress clung in all the right places, her nails
were polished and unbroken for a change, her make-up was subtle but
flattering, and she was definitely having a good hair day. She looked just
like an eighteen-year-old girl should look going out to a party with the
perfect guy. Except she needed a bracelet. She started rummaging through the debris on top of her dresser, searching for
the perfect accessory to wear with the perfect dress and the perfect hair and
the perfect guy. "Hey, Buffy," her roommate called out as she came in the room. "Hey, Will." Buffy stopped her search long enough to flash a brief smile at
her best buddy, Willow. "Coven meeting tonight?" Willow nodded as she began her own search, trying to find the book of spells
she bought last week. "You look really nice. Going out with Riley?" "Yeah. Fraternity party. Should be fun." Buffy was distracted by her image
in the mirror again when she noticed a loose thread on the hem of her dress.
Unfortunately pulling it out slightly mussed her hair, forcing her to resume
brushing. "I can't believe your hair is so long now," Willow said without a trace of
envy. "It's like we've changed places. Hairwise, I mean. You know, long
and short." She pulled at one of her own abbreviated locks to illustrate. "I get it, Will. Actually, I used to have long hair in my pre-Slayer days."
Buffy's arm fell to her side as she contemplated herself in a new light. Her
parents would never have let her wear a dress this daring at 15, but she
suddenly noticed some remarkable similarities to LA Buffy, the one she
thought she'd left behind. Shallow self-centered Buffy that she wanted to
forget. The one she used to think of as normal. * * * * * Somewhere there's speaking * * * * * "It's funny," she murmured, more to herself than to Willow. "I never
realized how much…" "Aha! Found it!" Willow triumphantly held her book aloft, before tossing it
on her bed while she searched for her favorite highlighter. "Hey, you know
it's good you're seeing so much of Riley. It's nice to see you happy again.
I mean, you're not over the moon happy any more, but nice, normal everyday
happy is good too. And I think it's all because of Riley." "Hmm? Riley?" Buffy was momentarily confused, but forced herself to recall
the trail of the conversation. "Yeah, he's great. Perfect, even." She
resumed her search for the bracelet worthy of such a paragon. "He's tall, and kind of cute, and smart," Willow enthused, waving her best
pink highlighter for emphasis. "And, okay, there's that whole
demon-torturing Initiative thing, but that doesn't necessarily make him a bad
person. And he's human, that's a plus." "Especially to Mom," Buffy said dryly. "You should have seen her giving him
the two-handed handshake the first time she met him." The look of confusion
on Willow's face forced her elaborate. "You know, one hand in his and one
hand holding his wrist to discreetly check for a pulse." She abandoned her
survey of the top of the dresser and began working her way through the top
drawer. "Gotcha. Well, he passed." Buffy's traitorous memory brought forth the image of one who would not have
passed. The one who didn't pass any "mom" tests. "Yup. With flying colors." She pushed away the memories with a
determination born of months of practice. He was of the past, in more ways
than one, and the past was not what she was about. She was a today kind of
girl. Suddenly her fingers encountered a small flat box. Willow finished packing her books and pens in her backpack and slung it over
one shoulder. "I'm off. Have fun tonight!" She opened the door without
noticing Buffy's lack of response. "Oh, hi Riley. Come on in." Buffy didn't hear a word Willow said. She stared at the jewelry box in her
hand, fighting the urge to open it. She knew what was inside, and she knew
it would drag her back to the past she was trying so hard to…get past. If
she opened this box she would jeopardize everything she'd worked for since
graduation. If she put the box away unopened she would know she had won. * * * * * But under the skinned knees and the skid marks * * * * *
She opened the box slowly. The antique silver cross glowed softly in the lamplight. It was beautiful,
and elegant in its simplicity, and it had saved her life on more than one
occasion. The same could be said for the man who gave it to her. Angel. Buffy ran a trembling finger down the cross as she succumbed to the onslaught
of memories. She still remembered every single moment that she spent with
him; there hadn't been enough of them. Life with Angel was always
tumultuous, and subject to frequent interruptions. And every time some demon
enforced a separation it created a swamping fear for his safety, and broke
her heart just a little more. To be fair, she had to admit Riley, by contrast, was a dependable and
constant presence in her life. His rare absences were always school-related,
and never a cause for concern. Angel always reminded her of moonlight, and not just because that was his
time of day. The mystery, the romance, and yes, the secrets that were hidden
in the shadows, all made her think of him. He would never lie to her, but
there was so much left unsaid. It made him all the more bewitching, and
exciting, and so potentially hazardous to her well being. High noon on a prairie on a sunny day best described Riley. After revealing
the whole Initiative thing (about which she still had mixed emotions), there
had been no more holding back on Riley's part. She knew everything he felt,
everything he wanted, every childhood memory. All in excruciating detail. Life with Angel had been a rollercoaster. Breathtaking highs and earth
shattering lows, but she had never felt more alive. Or so safe. For all the
dangers she knew Angel posed, and they were numerous, his arms were the one
place in the world she felt safe. Humanity depended on her to protect them,
but she never realized until he was gone how she had depended on him to cover
her back. And when he held her close, somehow the bad stuff disappeared for
just a little while, long enough for her to regroup. Riley was more of a carousel-man. The highs and lows of their romance were
relatively minor; it was predictable and safe. Yet he never made her feel
safe. Unless he had his arsenal, and sometimes even then, he was just
another ass she had to save. She would always remember the look of anguish in Angel's eyes when she broke
up with him after their first kiss, before they even had their first date.
Riley, by contrast, looked a little bewildered and faintly hurt when she
dumped him after their first date with the intention of marrying Spike. Angel knew her inside and out, better than she knew herself some times.
Riley knew very little about her, other than vital statistics, and she was
content to keep it that way. * * * * * You're waiting for someone * * * * * In the end, none of that really mattered anyway. Bottom line: Angel was a young girl's fantasy. The tall, dark, mysterious stranger. The older man. The bad boy turned good for the love of a woman.
The one who would love her completely, so much that he would give up his life
for her. The one she let walk away through pride and fear. He was a dream
come true turned the impossible dream. Riley was a lucky Slayer's dream walking. He would get a good job, buy a
nice house and make an excellent father. He would mow the lawn on Saturday
mornings and carve the Thanksgiving turkey and always say the right thing to,
and about, her mother. He would never leave. He was stable and responsible. Friendly and outgoing. Confident and
comfortable with his choices in life. Intelligent. Forthright. Kind to children and small animals. "Hi Buffy." Standing right behind her. Buffy snapped the lid closed on the jewelry box and tossed it in the drawer in one swift motion. She slammed the drawer shut as she spun around to face
Riley, her mind already working on a good line of defense. "Riley, you're," she glanced at her watch, "fifteen minutes late. Which, in
girl-time, means right on time. Of course you are." The only time Riley had on his mind was the good five minutes he'd been
standing in the doorway before he approached Buffy. She seemed to have been
oblivious to his presence until he spoke to her. She had been completely
absorbed in studying whatever was in that little box she'd just hidden away. "What was in the box?" Buffy smiled brightly. "What box?" She slipped one hand under his arm and
grabbed her shawl off a chair with the other. "Come on, we're going to be
more than fashionably late if we don't get a move on." He still wanted to know about the box, but she didn't give him a chance to
get a word in edgewise. All during the long walk across campus to his
fraternity house she chattered about classes and parties and various other
college-related subjects. While she talked too fast and laughed too loudly,
Riley relived a scene from a night at the Bronze a few weeks ago. He'd come back from Christmas break a few days early, both because of Buffy
and because of the Initiative. One night he and Buffy had gone to the Bronze
to dance before her nightly patrol. They'd been having a good time until she
had a chance encounter with an old boyfriend, a guy by the name of Scott
Hope. It was an awkward situation, but they both seemed to be dealing with
it all right, up to the moment Buffy introduced Riley as her boyfriend. Scott suddenly looked at him with, well, the only thing Riley could think of
was pity. Conversation quickly lagged, and Scott made an excuse to leave.
As he walked past Riley, he laid a hand on his shoulder and leaned over to
speak softly in his ear. "I'd wish you luck, but it wouldn't help." Looking down at the blonde head next to that same shoulder, Riley felt his
unease growing. They hadn't been dating for long, but he already loved her
so much. They battled evil every single night, and yet she never showed any
signs of fatigue or despair. She lived life to the fullest, and she was
determined to get the most out of the college experience. Admittedly she
preferred the non-academic side of it, but since he always thought of himself
as too serious he felt they complimented each other perfectly. She didn't trust him, though. He thought that the secrets were over when he
learned about her job as the Slayer, and she learned about the Initiative.
From here on out, they were a team; unshakable and inviolable. Whatever they
didn't know about each other, they would learn. But whatever was in that box meant more to her than the trust between them.
It was part of the past she still wouldn't talk about. When she shared plans
for the future with him, they were vague at best, and never concerned her
personal life. He suddenly realized he'd seen her laugh a hundred times, but
when she cried, she cried alone. He loved her, but he wondered if he would ever really know her. If she would
ever want him to. * * * * * I am everything you want * * * * *
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Spoilers: Up through "Hush," (told you I wrote it a while ago
Rating: PG13 (no sex, but I used one word I think qualifies as PG13)
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why
It's already coming in
Oh and it's rising at the back of your mind
You never could get it
Unless you were fed it
Now you're here and you don't know why
Past the places where you used to learn
You howl and listen
Listen and wait for
Echoes of angels who won't return
to put you together
You're waiting for someone to push you away
There's always another wound to discover
There's always something more you wish he'd say
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why
And I don't know why
Why
I don't know